Future Queens of England (22 page)

Gareth smiled at Tony from across the room and mouthed the words ‘well done’.

Uwe looked at Tony.  “
Ja
, okay,” he said, extending his hand.”

Tony took Uwe’s hand and they shook on it.

“Friends?” Uwe said tentatively.

“Let’s not get carried away,” Tony said with a smile, breaking the tension in the room.

Suddenly Marc leapt up and ran to his cupboard.  He rifled through the contents before pulling out some bottles of wine, “I think this calls for a drink,” he shouted.  “Come on, let’s get pissed!”

Chapter
Twelve

“Well guys, last time we played we took a hell of a beating,” Tony said pacing up and down in front of them.  “But we’re not going to let that happen today, are we?” he shouted in an attempt to motivate them.

“No Tony,” they shouted back at him.

He scowled at them.  “Say it like you mean it!” he ordered angrily.

“No Tony!” they bellowed back at him with gusto.

Tony nodded with approval.  “Yeah, that’s right.  It won’t happen again.  We all remember what happened last time, don’t we?”  He shuddered as he recalled the bet he had lost and that now infamous evening at the strip club that followed.  “We’ve trained hard, we have a game plan, we can’t lose,” he stopped and thought about this.  “No.  We won’t lose!”

“How can you be so sure this time?” Bruce said.

Tony stared him right in the eye.  “Who are we playing today?”

“The girls from the lesbian school,” Bruce replied meekly.

“Then you’ve answered your own question then.  We won’t be beaten by a load of girls,” Tony said laughing.  The idea was preposterous to him.

Hugh raised his hand timidly and spoke up.  “Actually, I’ve heard that they are pretty good, Tony.”

“Listen to me!” Tony commanded.  “I’ve seen a lot of films about lesbians in my time and although these programmes weren’t exactly what you’d call documentaries, I do know one thing for sure.”

“What’s that?” Hugh said as he hung on Tony’s every word.

“I’ll tell you,” Tony said smugly.  “The lesbians that I’ve seen in films do not look like they can handle themselves on the hockey field.  This will be a walk-over.”  He strode over and picked up his hockey stick.  “Are you ready to kick some arse?”

“Yes!” they shouted in unison.

“Then let’s do it.”  He stood on the spot and started to stamp his feet in a rhythmic pattern.  Slowly the whole team began to copy him until they were all stamping their feet together.  The tempo of their stomping boots on the hard floor grew faster and faster until eventually it blurred into an excited mesh of noise.

“Let’s go!” Tony cried as he pushed the outside door open and they ran out together in a huddle, picking up their hockey sticks on the way out.

They emerged cheering from the changing rooms onto the pitch as one.  Their feet stomped on the muddy ground.  Their breath billowed up like smoke in the cold November air as they marched out onto the pitch.  Then Tony looked up and saw the other team.

“Hang on,” he said, coming to an abrupt stop.  “I thought you said that we were playing lesbians today?”

“We are,” said Hugh.

“Then who are those blokes over there?” Tony asked.

“They’re not blokes, Tony!”  Keenan replied.

Tony’s face fell as he looked at his opponents.  “Jesus Christ!” he exclaimed in total disbelief.

There before him stood sixteen absolute behemoths dressed in their black and white hockey strips.  All of them had more or less the same haircut, dyed black, parted in the centre and shaved into a step at the back.  They turned to face Tony and his team, waved their hockey sticks and began to jeer.

“My god.  They’re built like brick shithouses,” Tony said in awe.  “Ben, Ben,” he said keeping his voice low so that his opponents wouldn’t hear them, “why didn’t you warn us about them?”

“Well, to be honest, I thought it best not to.  I thought that it might make you nervous,” Ben said sheepishly.

“Oh right, brilliant.  That was a great plan,” Tony muttered.  “Look, we have to make the best of a bad situation, so fill me in.”

“I’ll fill you in, big boy,” Bruce said, almost tripping over his words in his dash to make the most of this innuendo opportunity.

“Not now, Bruce!” Tony said brusquely, “we haven’t got time for that today.”

“Sorry ,Tony, you’re right,” Bruce said apologetically, “please carry on.”

“So tell me then, Ben,” Tony said, prompting him.

“Well, here’s what I know,” Ben said in a whispered tone, taking them into his confidence.  “The captain is known as Lezzy Lex.”

“Why do you think she’s called that then?” Hugh said.

“Shit ,Hugh, just be quiet for a minute,” Tony snapped, losing his temper.

“She is a real ball-breaker and an absolute psychopath.  She’s a man-hater and a queen bitch.  She makes you seem like a Sunday school teacher, Tony,” Ben said, labouring the point.

“Okay, okay, I get the picture,” Tony said impatiently.  “Do you know anything else about them?”

“The only other one that I recognise is her vice-captain, Cunnilingus Carol,” Ben said, looking over his shoulder.

“Wow, as far as nicknames go, that’s a bit of a mouthful,” Hugh said.

“Yeah, don’t mess with her or she’ll leave a nasty taste in your mouth,” Bruce said, thinking the innuendo embargo was over.

“Will you two just shut up for one minute, this is serious,” Tony said, completely losing his cool.

Tony looked back at Ben.  “Anything else?”

“No, nothing else,” Ben said, though his voice didn’t carry its normal level of authority.

Tony noticed a micro-expression flicker on Ben’s face.  “There’s something that you’re not telling me, Ben.”

Ben tried to avoid Tony’s stare.  “No, honestly, Tony, that’s all I know.”

“I don’t believe you.  You’re holding out on me, aren’t you?”  Tony leaned closer to him.  “Tell me!” he ordered.

Ben gulped.  “Well, I didn’t want to tell you this.  But they’re undefeated.  They win the league every single season.”

“What?” Tony gasped.

“Look, I’m sure we’ll be alright,” Keenan said sanguinely, “we’ll just give it our best shot, eh?”

Just then the whistle blew and the umpires called for the teams to prepare for play.  Before they disbanded from their huddle, Tony spoke up.

“We need to go in fighting today.  We really need to be aggressive,” he said, trying to rally the troops.  “You know how much I want this and we’ve trained too hard to lose today.  Just think; if we beat the league champions then we’ll be unstoppable.”  He paused to let his words sink in.  “Are you with me?” he roared.

“We’re with you, Tony,” Keenan roared back.

“Come on, let’s do this!” Uwe snarled.

“Let’s give those lesbians a real pounding,” Bruce said, seizing his chance.

“Go on guys, you can do it,” Ben shouted, swept along by the flood of emotion.

Tony and his team marched onto the pitch to a chorus of boos from their opponents and their supporters.

Ben looked around him at the handful of supporters on their side and shrugged.  “Go on, lads.  Show them what we’re made of.”

Louise trotted out from the main building and walked up to Ben.  “Have I missed much?”

“No, they’re just getting started,” Ben replied.

Louise put her hands to her mouth and shouted, “Come on guys, I know you can do it.”

Tony’s heart quickened on hearing Louise’s voice, and he instantly looked around to find her.  He made eye contact and then realised how desperate this must have appeared and quickly turned back to face the umpires.

One of the umpires beckoned to Lezzy Lex, the away team’s infamous captain.  She walked slowly towards Tony and the two umpires. She was sneering.  Lex got ever closer to Tony but made no indication of stopping.  Tony knew a show of dominance when he saw one and held his position.  She brought her face within inches of Tony’s, but Tony remained there, unflinching.

As the two of them stayed locked in position one of the umpires took a coin from his pocket and spoke.  “The away team gets to call the toss.”

“Heads,” she said, without moving her gaze.  Tony felt the warmth of her breath on his face.  His eyes glinted momentarily; he closed his mouth and belched, then casually blew onto Lex’s face.  Her expression hardened and she breathed hard through her nose to take in what Tony had offered.  Silently Tony admired her brio.

The umpire tossed the coin, he caught it as it fell back to earth and shouted the result: “Heads it is.”

“Let’s do this!” Lezzy Lex shouted into Tony’s face.

“Bring it on,” Tony replied before taking a few steps back into the home team’s half.

The home side umpire ran a few metres behind Tony and took his position.

The away side umpire blew his whistle and Lex cracked the ball back to her team.  The away side umpire followed the ball and Lex charged forwards towards Tony.  She checked to make sure the umpires weren’t looking and then lifted her hockey stick and rammed it into Tony’s ribcage.  Tony gasped and bent double, but refused to fall to his knees.  He took a moment to compose himself before standing up straight again.  Lex seemed surprised to see Tony’s quick recovery.

“Is that all you’ve got?” he said defiantly.  “You’ll have to do better than that
?
”

“Oh, there’s plenty more where that came from,” she replied, and with that she ran towards Tony’s goal.

“Carol!  To me!” Lex shouted as she ran towards the goal.

Her team-mate, Carol, hit the ball back across to her, but Bruce ran and intercepted it.  He turned and chipped the ball to Uwe, who snaked between his opponents as he charged towards the away team’s goal.

Lex barked orders to her team-mates to take their positions in front of their goal.  “Carol, cover the left side.  Joan, you take the right.  Kath, you cover the rear.  Daphne, pull it in closer.”  She started to build a lesbian wall of defence, impenetrable to anything with balls.

“Uwe!  Over here,” Keenan shouted as he ran parallel to Uwe.

As an attacker came towards Uwe he passed the ball at the last minute.  Keenan scooped it up and darted towards the goal.  He lifted his stick and belted the ball towards the goal mouth; a crack rang out across the field and echoed off a nearby building.  The ball raced towards the lesbian’s goal but was saved by their defence line.  This was met with cheers from the away team’s supporters and groans from the home team.

Quick as a flash, Yvonne, the goalie, kicked the ball back to Joan, one of the defenders, who took the ball back into their opponents’ half.  Hugh prepared himself in the goalmouth for the coming onslaught just as Tony had instructed him.  He crouched slightly and raised his hands to cover as much of the goal as possible.  As his opponents came closer he gripped his hockey stick ever tighter.

“Hold your position, Hugh!” Tony ordered as he failed to tackle Joan.

His opponent ran on, passed the ball through Keenan’s legs and into the area in front of Lezzy Lex.  She instantly stormed into the ‘D’ and towards the goal before smacking the ball with all her strength.  The ball left the ground slightly and whizzed towards Hugh’s knees.  The away team cheered as Hugh bit his lip waiting for ball to strike him, and he did not have to wait long.  The ball hit Hugh’s leg pads with a thud.  He let out a small grunt but the thought of the impact was worse than the reality.  He quickly lowered his stick and hit the ball back out onto the pitch towards Paul, his nearest defender.

“Good save, Hugh,” Tony shouted.  “Keep it up.”

Hugh swelled with pride, his smock rippled victoriously in the breeze.  He grinned from behind his hockey helmet and watched Tony and the others race towards the other end of the pitch through the bars in his visor, and the battle continued, with neither team scoring.

Eventually, the away umpire blew the half-time whistle.  Both teams ran towards their own goals to rest and discuss tactics for the second half.