Garden of Serenity (22 page)

“Oh, in the name of the Creator, we’re not going to get anywhere like this.” Jahara stormed into the great room, grabbing one of the large silver candlesticks off the dining table. Carrying it in both hands like a bat, she stalked to the corner of the room and with a warrior’s cry, swung high, taking down the camera in one power hit. The pieces rained down on the carpet in a shower of plastic, metal and wires. She did the same to the one in the kitchen, and all the other rooms. Until at last she returned to Brenimyn’s startled face, his hands frozen over the pack. She destroyed the blinking eye in the bedroom. Jahara beat at the shattered pieces on the floor, trying to relieve some of her frustration.

“Take that, you crappy piece of machinery. Get out of my life.” She kicked at the largest piece, sending the camera lens bouncing off the corner walls. It came to rest at Brenimyn’s feet. Her throat was raw from the screaming that had come out of her with the destruction. A hot lump pressed painfully at the spot, making her eyes water. She would not cry. She couldn’t lose Brenimyn, but she didn’t want him to stay out of pity.

“Now. Talk.” Jahara banged her palm on her forehead. “Not in my head, but with your mouth. Let’s argue like civilized people do—loud and rowdy. Give it to me. All of it, Brenimyn. I deserve it.” Dropping the candlestick, Jahara shifted on her feet, her hands waving in invitation.

“Why bother to talk? What’re you going to tell me, Jahara … more lies? You lie to me. You lie to Merenith. Do you even know the truth anymore?” Brenimyn threw the pack on the floor, his clothes spilling from the top. “You tell me one thing, then in the blink of an eye, tell Merenith something different. The worst part is … you lie to yourself, Jahara.” His voice was dangerously calm.

“How dare you?” Jahara pointed her finger at him. “You don’t know me. You don’t know what I was before I came here.”

“I guess that’s the point, isn’t it?”

“Hey, you were the one who chose me. You’re the one who pulled me into your prophecy.” She waved her hands in the air. “Some vision your birth-sister had when you were young. Well, you know what, Bren? Maybe I’m not that person.” She pointed at him. “I’m no warrior. I didn’t ask to come here and bring about a new world order. My world was working just fine for me before they dragged me here, kicking and screaming.”

He slanted her an assessing stare. “If that’s how you feel, Jahara, there’s nothing more for me to say.” He bent, picked up the pack and slung it over his shoulder. “When you know what you want, they’ll be able to find me. I’ll tell them you’ve chosen another breeder.”

“What I
want
?” Jahara balled her fists at her sides, her frustration turning to anger. “What
I
want?” She laughed, throwing her hands in the air, turning her back to him. “I know what I want.” Wrapping her arms around her chest, she tried to protect her splintering heart. “I want to be free to love you. I want not to hurt Merenith’s feelings.” She held her hand up and ripped off the ring, turning back to him and shaking it in the air. “This? This stupid thing was supposed to make me believe in love. And now that I do …” A caustic laugh escaped as she tucked it away in her pocket. “And now that I do … I realize I’ve had it all wrong. That the whole world has it all wrong!”

Her vision blurred in the wash of tears she tried unsuccessfully to control. “What I really
want
is for my healing powers to work like fairy dust and have everyone magically be happy. I want to stop working so hard to figure out my place in this world. But we don’t always get what we want so easily, do we, Bren?” She threw her shoulders back, facing the pain in his eyes.

“I know only one thing for certain and that’s how I feel about you.” Cautiously, she stepped toward him. “I’ve learned more about myself since arriving here than all my twenty-eight years combined. I know that love is not something you control. It sneaks up on you and wraps itself around your heart. It comes when you’re not looking for it. I know, because I’ve searched a long time and when I finally stopped looking, it blindsided me.” Jahara continued slow, measured steps toward the man she loved.

“True love is so intense it steals your breath and makes you dizzy with the power of it. It fills all the missing holes in your soul and makes you complete.” She stopped moving. “What I didn’t know, but have come to understand, is that my heart was looking for a man, not a woman. And not just any man, but you, Bren. I’ve only known women in my life. I wanted things to work with Merenith, not knowing she wasn’t the one.” She stood toe to toe with him, looking up into his eyes, hoping he wouldn’t push her away.

“I love you. That’s no lie.” She took his hand and splayed it over her womb. “I want more of what you gifted me with today. I want your children. I won’t give them away, because they would be created in our love. I could never lie about that. What you heard on the communicator was the lie. I don’t want you to go, Brenimyn, but if you don’t believe what I’ve said … well … then I don’t want you to stay. Because I also understand that love is a choice. One we make every day. I
choose
to love you.” She put her other hand on the stubble of his cheek. “But more importantly, I choose to let you love me. I didn’t have to accept what you offered, just as you don’t have to accept what I freely give. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but that’s part of loving someone too. I don’t understand it all, but I’m willing to learn.”

Dropping the pack, Brenimyn’s hand covered hers. “Jahara, I loved you before I knew you. I believed you loved me, but to hear you speak to Merenith …” He dropped his gaze to the floor and swallowed hard. He filled his lungs with a shaky breath before looking back at her. “I didn’t know which was real. I’ve never loved another. I can’t imagine the confusion you must feel. But what you said had me believing what was happening between us was the lie. I was afraid you’d chosen her. It wasn’t anger that had me packing my bags, it was terror. I felt my heart rip from my chest as you talked to Merenith. I wasn’t sure it would continue to sustain my life.”

“Brenimyn, I’m sorry. I am so sorry.” She laid her cheek on his chest.

Putting his face on the top of her head, he brought his arms around her back, pulling her tight against the solid wall of his chest. They stood like that until their hearts found their rhythm and beat as one.

* * * *

“Merenith, I’m so glad you’re there.” Jahara sat in the office in front of the video-communicator. Though Brenimyn was next to her, he wasn’t in view of the screen.

“What happened that made you leave so quickly? I’ve been worried. Was there an emergency?” Merenith touched the screen. “Was it the breeder you healed? Is she all right?”

Jahara smiled over at Brenimyn, her fingers laced with his on his thigh. She squeezed his hand. “No … and yes.” She looked back at Merenith. “Mer, I know I’ve only been here a short time, but so many things have happened. I want to tell you about them.”

“I have no plans. I have plenty of time to talk. What’s up?”

“Mer, I want you to meet my breeder. But I think it’s important you two meet face–to-face.”

“You know that’s impossible. Only breeding females are allowed in the Garden proper and we both know he’s not allowed out.”

“I understand that. I think there’s another way. I want to try something. I don’t know if it’ll work but I’d like to try.”

“Jahara, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”

“I need you to meditate with me …”

“Now?”

Jahara laid her palm on the video-communicator screen as if she could reach out and touch the woman. “Yes, Merenith, now. Look at me. Focus on me, the way we’ve done before. I want you to think of our first outing at the river.” Jahara’s head tingled and she knew Brenimyn was making a telepathic connection with her. If this worked, he would be the conduit that took them all back to that place in the forest.

“Meditating on the vid-com? You’re not making any sense.”

“Trust me. Just try. Focus on the river. The spot where we went into the mountains with the horses.” She needed a place they knew well. “Imagine the wind and the rushing water. Hear it. See it. Feel yourself standing there with me.” Jahara’s tone was sing-song, soft and lilting. Her eyelids grew heavy with the power of meditation.

Then she was there. Standing next to Brenimyn, their fingers still entwined. Jahara smiled at him, knowing none of this would be possible without his gift. “Thank you.”

“Go to her.” He nodded his head.

Merenith stood with her back to them, looking out over the river. Her hair danced in the gentle breeze coming off the rushing waters. Her skin glowed in the sun’s rays, giving her an ethereal radiance. The woman had never looked so vulnerable.

“Merenith.” Jahara walked to her.

“How’re we here?” Merenith touched Jahara’s shoulder. “How can I feel you?” She looked around. “I can smell the forest and hear the rush of the river.” She turned back to Jahara, confusion furrowing her brow. “We’ve never meditated so deeply.”

“It’s a gift.”

“A new talent you developed at the Garden?”

“No, not mine.”

Merenith shot a look over Jahara’s shoulder then back at her. She opened her mouth to speak but couldn’t make sense of the man sitting serenely in the shade of a pine and the
gift
Jahara spoke of.

Jahara gently touched the woman’s arm, bringing her attention back to her. “Merenith, sit with me. We need to talk.”

“Jahara, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know how, but I would like to know
why
I had to do this now. Why couldn’t this wait until next week?”

Jahara pointed to a rock behind them. “Please Mer, just sit.”

“I don’t want to sit.” Merenith rolled her eyes and laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. “Oh, this is classic. I thought I’d be the one to start this conversation.”

Jahara just stared at her, not understanding her meaning.

“Oh, come now, Jahara, you arranged all this to tell me there’s another.” She threw her hands in the air and walked to the edge of the river. “You’ve always wanted more from our relationship than I was ready to give and now, when I decide to try, you’ve found another?” She turned back to Jahara. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

“Mer, it’s much more complicated than that.”

“Complicated?” Merenith picked up a stone and heaved it into the churning waters. “It’s not really. A simple yes or no would suffice.” She threw another rock.

“Yes.”

Merenith turned her. “I’m not really surprised. Despite how hard I tried, we never really fit together did we? There was always something missing.”

“We both tried, Mer. I wanted so badly for you to be the one. When I came here, I had convinced myself I could live without all the pieces of my heart. But that was before …” Jahara didn’t know how to continue.

“Before someone else caught your eye.” Her words sounded so bitter.

“I wasn’t looking if—”

“I didn’t suspect you were.” Merenith lifted Jahara’s hand. “It wasn’t really a commitment ring, but obviously you’ve fallen in love if you’ve taken it off already.”

Jahara fished the ring from her pocket. “I took it off today. Right after your call when everything became very clear for me.” She looked back over her shoulder at Brenimyn.

“You’re not …” Merenith scanned Jahara’s face then over to Bren and back at her. “Oh no, don’t even … it’s not possible.” Her gaze darted again from Jahara to Brenimyn. “You don’t know what you’re doing.” Stretching her arm, Merenith shook her finger at the man placidly sitting with his face turned to the sky. “There’s something unnatural about this. I can feel it.”

“Merenith, he’s telepathic. Brenimyn brought us here so I could be with you.”

Merenith laughed out her disbelief. “Telepathic? A man with gifts? Right. And I suppose you’re going to tell me you’ve found a talking horse and a singing rabbit at the Garden as well.”

“Mer—”

“No, Jahara. This is crazy talk.” She turned and began to pace.

“I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. And Bren isn’t the only male I’ve met with gifts.”

Merenith laughed. “What lies has this man been telling you?”

“Think about it. Genetically how could offspring, whether male or female, not develop traits of both parents? How could males not have gifts as well? I think women just want to ignore the possibility so they don’t have to admit men are our equals.”

“And I suppose you’re going to tell me he’s the one you’ve fallen in love with?”

Jahara stood her ground.

“Oh, no. No. No. No. And hell no!” She took Jahara by the shoulders and squeezed hard. “Even if you never come back to me, you can’t ruin your life this way.”

“I’ve learned much from—”

“Don’t say him. Just don’t say it.” Merenith spun around in a circle. “It’s not real, Jahara. None of this is real. Don’t you see how he’s tricked your mind? I don’t know how he’s doing it, but he’s taken hold of your common sense, hidden it deep and filled your head with crazy thoughts.” Her voice softened as she took Jahara’s hand in both of hers. “We both know there’s not a man on this earth who is capable of loving. He’s a
breeder
, for goodness’ sake. He was raised to copulate, to impregnate women, what does he know of love?”

Merenith’s words cut deep. Holding her own rage at bay, Jahara kept her tone even. “He was kidnapped from the Garden as an infant and raised by his Dame. He grew up with his birth-sisters. He knows love.”

“If you believe that, then be with him at the Garden. Let him stay in your apartment. Be together. Bear your two offspring, but then come back to the world of reality, Jahara. You’re fooling yourself if you think it can be otherwise.”

“But it can be. I’m not the only woman who believes. There are others at the Garden. Men and women in loving relationships. They—”

“No!” Merenith held her hands up between them to stop her words that no doubt sounded impossible. “This is insane. You’re talking about changing the natural order of things.”

“The time is now. I’ve come to believe that.”

“Only a revolution could change our world. You can’t be—”

Jahara nodded. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”