Gaudete (6 page)

Read Gaudete Online

Authors: Ted Hughes

Mrs Walsall draws a half pint, watchfully, for Garten. His chirpy rat-nervy manner makes her feel deep. He is being vivaciously familiar with the pensioner under the window. Old Smayle, who is the vicar’s nearest neighbour at the top of the village, lives with his granddaughter, Felicity. Garten courts Felicity. Nightly, stormily, unhappily.

Garten is fishing for the vicar. He is venturing jokey, overbalancing insinuations, as he sips. Felicity mentions the Reverend Lumb too often.
 

Old Smayle defends the vicar.

He admires him. The vicar, he declares,

Has realised that his religious career

Depends on women.

Because Christianity depends on women.

For all he knows, all those other religions, too, depend on

                                                                        women.

What would he do for congregation these days

Without women.

Old Smayle has read it. The church began with women.

Through all those Roman persecutions it was kept going

                                                                   by women.

The Roman Empire was converted by a woman.

And now the whole thing’s worn back down to its women.

It’s like a herd of deer, he says, why is it always led by a

                                                                           hind?

Christianity’s something about women.

His narrowed eye-puffs pierce right to the crux of it.

Christianity is Christ in his mammy’s arms –

Either a babe at the tit

With all the terrible things that are going to happen to

                        him hovering round his head like a halo,

Or else a young fellow collapsed across her knees

With all the terrible things having happened.

Old Smayle’s eloquence pours from his travelling library.

His eyebrows arch, hoisting his whole baggy face.

His eyes are seriously amazed

At what such things evidently boil down to.

Something about mothers – maternal instincts.

Something about the womb – foredoomed, protective

                                                                       instinct.

Instinct for loss and woe and lamentation.

So men have lost interest. Smayle knows.

Garten has forgotten his own stare.

He is fascinated and out of his depth and wondering

What Lumb is on to.

Evans, the blacksmith, has paid for a half.

He lifts the glass

In fingers that are the masters

Of all the heavy agricultural steel

In the district.

He can be quiet, with a nod.

Betty has come back, looking just as usual.

Garten is disturbed and confused.

He wants to include Evans somehow on his side, in this

                                                                       groping.

He watches Betty’s high-tension boredom.

He keeps an eye on Mrs Walsall’s solemn listening.

He glances from one to the other.

He fancies something is darting between the two,

Escaping him among the crannies of these women.

Evans’ wife is vivid and tiny,

Startling, like a viper.

A magnet for local scandal fantasies, spoken and

                                                                    unspoken.

Her incongruous Sunday-School cosy chatty manner

Does nothing to tame her deadly glance.

It has the effect of an outrageously lewd cosmetic.

She is Secretary of the local W. I.

What goes on at those W. I. meetings?

The words suddenly blurt out of Garten and he stares

                                                         after them wildly.

He plunges deeper.

He asks Evans if he’s ever read the book of minutes.

He is afraid of Evans. He brazens himself, feeling the

                                                eyes of the two women.

He bets that’s a book of revelations

Real religious stuff.

Evans weighs Garten with a little easy smile,

A little glance, from little slow wolf eyes.

It would be more interesting, Evans dare say,

To know what’s going on, this minute,

Over in Garten’s bungalow.

The Reverend Lumb’s little van

Seems to have broken down at the gate.

Old Smayle’s merriment

Garten’s instantaneous exit

And the sun crossing one more degree

Bring the reaching of the landscape roots

A fraction closer

To the vicar’s body. 

Ten years a widow

Is made up at noon.

In the garden hut

She sits back on top of orange-crate rabbit cages

While the Reverend Lumb lifts her into bliss.

The cages creak, the inquisitive rabbits

Try to get a view.

She reaches out to fasten the door’s yale

Without losing her advantage.

The flimsy cages start to collapse.

The widow and Lumb sag, clutching at other cages

Which come toppling,

Bursting open, spilling two ferrets,

Creamy serpents.

The widow clings in position, contorted.

Lumb cannot be distracted.

He pushes aside cages, and rabbits struggle out.

Her consternation gazes sidelong at them

From eyes that seem only lightly fixed to her body

Which cares nothing about rabbits

And which Lumb now overwhelms.

He is rapt. His communion

With Mrs Garten is especially deep and good.

She starts to cry out. He urges her cries.

Garten, finding the housedoor open and the house empty,

Hears the sounds.

He runs to the hut door, he kicks at it.

He forces in among the tumble of cages

Which the vicar is attempting to stack.

Mrs Garten is pulling a ferret from under cages.

It is attached to a crying baby rabbit.

She screams at Garten for help.

Lies on her bed, on her side, gazing into the crook of her

                                                                          elbow.

She has sobbed herself stale.

But still hard sighs keep trying to bring relief.

She lies back and watches the clouds.

They are toppling across a snow wilderness.

Stunted fir-trees stoop under drifts.

A girl is struggling across a snow lake

Into the wind.

Closer, closer, the eye runs.

The girl turns, looking back.

The girl is Janet, her dead sister.

And she herself is a wolf, circling her dead sister

And wanting not to be recognised.

She does not want to frighten her poor sister

Who sees only the wolf

Which has followed her a long way

Waiting for her to weaken.

Her dead sister is crying and forcing herself on.

And now turns again, pleading something

But the wind blows the words away.

She watches, with a wolf’s interested eyes

Till her dead sister falls.

Now a wolf is killing her where she lies.

Her dead sister lies in the snow.

Her eyes and mouth, already freezing,

Are once again dead.

She starts to howl out over her dead sister who lies in the

                                                                           snow.

A wolf crying and snarling jumps up on to her bed

                                                                     suddenly

And she screams and jumps upright

In her empty room.

The clouds

Tumble their clumsy bursting baggage

Beyond the window frame

Over the glare, the gloom-dark tree-glitter

Of the day

Where the moments march unalterably.

Emerges from his updated, bleak, deserted roadhouse at quarter to one. A brief shower has gone over, loading the greenery. The bluebell-blue cloudmass now huddles to the horizon woods. But the sun soars freely, somewhere behind high parapets, and the black road steams like a vat. He is numb-edged with too much noon alcohol. Dark-edged. He aims himself at his car, parked solitary out on the desert of blue asphalt.
 

This bulging green landscape oppresses him.

The thick weight behind his eyes oppresses him.

He cannot stop thinking of that dead girl’s grey-pink parched-looking lips. The alcohol has dissolved his self-protection, a little. He pauses. His whole body craves pause, and time, like an exhaustion, while he thinks. He feels a great need to think. What was it he wanted to think about?

The air is warm. A nauseous sweet aniseed scent, an overrichness. Like an over-sweet melting sickness in the pit of his stomach. It is reeking from the creamy masses of the hawthorn blossom.

Jennifer’s insinuatingly amorous lamenting tones seem to have entered his blood, like a virus, with flushes of fever and shivers, and light, snatching terrors.

He stares at the piled hairy flowers, hedgerow beyond draped hedgerow. Hushed and claustrophobic. He imagines the still Sargasso of it, rising and falling, right across England. Funereal. Unearthly. Some bulky hard-cornered unpleasantness leans on him. He ignores it steadily. He searches for his car-keys, preoccupied, watching the mobs of young starlings struggling and squealing filthily in the clotted may-blossom, like giant blow-flies.
 

He drops his car-keys in a puddle.

Bending to pick them up

He bumps his bald brow on the car-door handle,

                                                                   glancingly

But enough to jar off his spectacles

Which drop to the asphalt, where they lie, half-

                                                                 submerged,

One lens webbed with cracks.

This awakening into his own world is nevertheless

                                                                  satisfactory.

His body is still moving beyond him, its limits blurred.

Getting into the car energetically, with a new grasp of the

                                                                day’s course,

He clips the side of his skull, just above the ear,

On the brutal edge of the car-roof.

He sits dazzled with pain

And with rage at the petty error of it, as his eyes water.

He deliberates control –

Carefully cleaning the spectacles, and the cracked lens

                                especially with meticulous caution –

It flakes out under his thumb, the rim blinks up at him

                                                                      empty.

He aligns the spectacles on his nose.

He must insist now, on control

Of every second as it chooses to come.

With firmly applied care, he steers out on to the road.

But he has drunk too much.

And the finality of that dead girl lies at the centre of the

                                                                          day

Like an incomprehensible, frightful dream.

And her live sister is worse – all that loose, hot, tumbled

                                                                      softness,

Like freshly-killed game, with the dew still on it,

Its eyes still seeming alive, still strange with wild dawn,

Helpless underbody still hot.

For minutes, driving in third gear, Westlake forgets

                                                                 where he is.

While what she said about Lumb goes on and on in his

                                                                           head

Like a taunt.

Because he has known it all the time,

And now he only has to look at it, and there it is.

His wife

And the Reverend Nicholas Lumb

Fit together, like a tongue in its mouth.

His numbness has freed his concentration.

Under this new, naked lamp-bulb

He probes for the deepest nerve of his damage.

He jerks into top gear –

Ending thinking.

His alcohol dullness has settled

To a hurtling lump, a projectile –

He turns in at the gate of his home

With the sensation of finding his trap at last tenanted.

And the lilac secretness of the drive’s curve brings him suddenly to the vicar’s van, tucked up against the back-porch, almost in under the wisteria drapery.
 

Westlake’s foot presses the lawn verge.

His fingers leave his car door

Just touching its frame but not closed.

He contemplates sabotage to the detestable blue van.

He sidles burglarishly down the side of his own house.

His heart is pounding turgidly, yet he feels light and

                                                                    separate.

Like a man falling, feeling nothing of the glancing

                                                                      impacts.

He rouses himself, a deliberate attempt

To realise afresh what he is about.

With his hand on precisely that brick of the corner of his

                                                                  own house.

He looks at his watch

Where the second hand jogs busily in its ignorant circle.

He watches it, rejoicing absently at the comparative

                                                          slowness of time,

And his own freedom in it.

He observes, with a self-mesmerising stillness,

The peeled-back gorges of his rose-blooms, leaning poised

                                                                        in space.

He marvels again that they are precisely where they are,

Neither an inch this way nor an inch that way,

But exactly there, with their strict, fierce edges.

He moves his head.

Through his unglassed eye, conveniently long-sighted,

He watches the young effortless horses,

Roistering flamily on the slope opposite.

Whole minutes pass.

His feet move. He peers into the grey sterility of his

                                                                       lounge.

As if he had abandoned it all, years ago, in some

                                                               different life.

As if he had just returned, after half a lifetime on the

                                                 other side of the world.

The front door. The familiar dingy smell of the hall.

He stands at the bottom of the stair.

Weightless, in the balance of decision.

He feels light-headed and inadequate for this preposterous

                                                                      business

Which nevertheless he proceeds to tackle.

Climbing the stair nimbly

Loading his double-barrelled twelve-bore as he goes

And pocketing other cartridges.

He pauses just short of the door. He remembers, absurdly, that fully-clothed men jump into the sea for much less. He explains to himself yet again, more distinctly, and with a pedantic solemnity of subordinate clauses, that what
he hears is indeed the crying of his wife at some bodily extreme, which can have only the one explanation. But as his brain mounts its annihilating court-case, which will need only the precise, annihilating words, his body has already moved convulsively, and the door bursts open.
 

At once he sees

That his expectations have been cheated.

His wife is lying fully clothed on the bed.

She is being hysterical in her familiar style,

Rolling from side to side

As if to escape some truth which threatens to scorch her

                                                                             face.

And the Reverend Lumb

Is sitting at the foot of the bed, considerate as a baffled

                                                                        doctor.

His calming hand detains her slim ankle.

In one flash Westlake understands

That his accurate intuition

Has been forestalled and befooled

By this goat-eyed vicar.

In spite of what it looks like

Something quite different is going on here,

Even under his very eyes,

And if he could only see clear

Through the vicar’s humbug soelmn visage

And his wife’s actress tragedy mask

It would be plain

That her writhing and cries are actually sexual spasm,

And that the Reverend Lumb, who seems to be gazing at

                                                                            him

In such cool spiritual composure

And mild secular surprise

Is actually copulating with her

Probably through that hand on her ankle

In some devilish spiritual way.

This crazy idea strikes Westlake like a thunderbolt. And even if it is not so, even if he cannot actually detect them performing neck and neck there together in front of him, that is purely accidental, and as remote as any other coincidence, a coincidence inside-out. Anyway, he needs no proof.
 

Doctor Westlake levels his gun.

The vicar stands and knocks the muzzle aside.

Dr Westlake swings the gun and knocks the vicar’s

                                                                    cheekbone

With the barrels. The cartridges explode

Tearing the side of the vicar’s head, a skin wound.

The two grapple and separate.

The doctor’s wife watches, silenced.

The vicar expostulates reasonably and the doctor knocks

                                                him down with the gun.

He fumbles to reload the gun.

The vicar twists it from him and spears it through the

                                                                      window.

The doctor runs from the room, down the stairs and out

                                                             into the garden,

Retrieves the gun, reloading it as he re-enters the house,

And listens.

The Reverend Lumb’s van is turning out at the front.

Westlake runs and from his doorstep fires twice.

One of the van’s rear windows goes black

As the van escapes along black rips of gravel.

The doctor spins his gun into the roses.

He pants seriously, feeling for his heart’s place and

   staring after the van, squinting as if into the sun’s glare.

Huge hammers of blackness reshape him,

Huge hammers of alcohol,

Huge hammers of hellishness and incomprehension.

With a renewed effort of doggedness

He collects the gun, gets into his car, drives away out. 

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