Geli Voyante's Hot or Not (14 page)

‘I sort of know how you feel,’ I can’t help but delight. Look
, we’re
bonding
.

‘Oh?’

‘Let’s just say Tiggy,’ I’m gloating – so much for grown-up behaviour, ‘that I’ll be doing
everything
to keep Theo happy. You should see the bruises on my body from last night!’

Her
face momentarily flickers in… disgust? Jealousy? No, it must have been disgust – ever since Eric, she’s learnt to keep her mouth closed regarding sexual conquests.

‘He is a catch,’ she manages to say, turning her features
back into a smile.

‘He
definitely is.’

We smile at each other once again. Falsely. It’s time for me to go.  

‘Anyway, I’d better get going,’ I say. ‘I’ve not even started my column.’

‘Sure,’ she replies, standing up as I do. ‘Good luck with that.’

‘Thanks.’

It
’s definitely awkward now. We’re just stood here, staring at one another, and I’m deciding whether I should extend the olive branch and hug her, when she holds her hand up for the air-five gesture. I can’t help but laugh, but I do air-five her before heading to the elevator with an awkward “take care”.

As I turn to press the
ground floor button so I can flee the Gherkin for the day, I see Tiggy standing at the door watching me go. She looks like she’s crying. I can’t understand why and I’m almost tempted to go back and see if I’m right, but the lift doors close and take me down instead.

I arrive home to find Glinda in tears. Not as alarming as it sounds because this is quite a frequent occurrence, I am sad to say.

‘Hey G.’ I flop
onto the sofa where’s she sobbing. ‘What’s up?’

I don’t mean to be cruelly dismissive, but it really does happen a lot. 

She flings herself into my body in response. My bruises from Theo don’t thank her.

‘I broke up with Jeeves,’ she manages to wail out between deep breaths.

Wait? What? I knew it would be Jeeves-related, but
Glinda actually
broke up
with Jeeves
? Glinda who adores Jeeves, Glinda who has always maintained she can’t live without him, even if that means living with him and his other conquests. This is
huge
. I wondered why I hadn’t heard from her this morning when I was at work. Now I know why.

‘Oh, Glinda,’ I soothe
, stroking her hair when she can’t answer me because of her heaving sobs. ‘What happened?’

Eventually, she calms down enough to tell
me. She tells me how she arrived at Sticky Fingers to find Jeeves all over some waitress who was sat on his lap, giggling precariously. How Jeeves didn’t even seem ashamed, so Glinda let it slide.
Again
.

That was until the waitress tipped Glinda’s
Moscow Mule
over her and she rushed out in tears. The bastard did follow her and took her back to his where she finally told Jeeves exactly what she thinks of his womanising ways, and how she wasn’t going to put up with them any longer because they were through. Then she left.

‘
Where did you stay?’ I ask.

‘
I checked into the Ramada.’ That’s quite close to us.

‘Why didn’t you come home
?’ Poor Glinds.

‘I just wanted to be... alone. I didn’t want to come back to the flat in case Jeeves came here, plus I have Daddy’s credit card for emergencies… Did he come round?’ She asks in a tiny, heart-breaking voice that makes me want to kill him.

‘I don’t think so,’ I say carefully.
I don’t want to add “because I was too busy screaming the flat down and orgasming to hear the doorbell ringing” as is the truth.

‘Oh,’ she says.

I can tell she is about to start crying again. ‘That doesn’t mean he didn’t,’ I hurriedly put in, even though I know I shouldn’t let her have false hope. It’s a delicate balancing act.

‘He probably didn’t,’ she says.

I can’t answer her though because the doorbell, ironically, rings.

‘Probably the postman,’ I say.
I know Glinda thinks it is Jeeves.

‘Probably,’ s
he agrees with all the conviction of a bad liar.

I get up and
answer the door hoping it is… ah, no. Not unless Jeeves has secretly jacked in his job and is now working for the Royal Mail. Needless to say, it’s
not
the postman. 

‘What do you want?’ I snarl
.

‘Is she h
ere, Geli?’

H
e looks aghast, but not aghast enough to look dishevelled and red in the face like Glinda currently is. Jeeves looks impeccable in a trendy male model sort of way, which he’s not, but he is creative director for a promotions company so it’s his job to keep in the loop.

Jeeves, or Paul Jeeves as he’s more formally known, is a twenty-eight
-year-old man who should know better but doesn’t due to a combination of looks and the nature of his job. He’s more likely to conduct meetings in the VIP areas of London’s trendiest hang-outs than in the boardroom. Voted most likely to become the eternal bachelor at school, his school chums are forever amazed that for the past two years he has declared his loyalty to Glinda… his one-night stands notwithstanding.

However, despite his impeccable exterior,
Jeeves’ tone suggests he has
suffered some inner turmoil because I’ve never heard his voice falter once in the two years I’ve known him. He always comes across as sounding like a semi-prat – think dastardly James Bond villains from the sixties meets Alan Partridge – that’s Paul Jeeves personified. He’s stirred (sexually), never shaken (emotionally). Until now.

‘She is,’ I carefully say. ‘But she’s through with you.
’

I
take the executive decision that Glinda won’t want to see him, knowing full well she will.

‘Geli,
please
.’

He really does look dreadful now I study him more carefully
– in fact, his eyes do seem a little bloodshot. I had assumed red contacts – with Jeeves you never know what he might view as “on trend” – but has he actually been
crying
?

‘No, you listen to me,’ I hiss at him
, crying or no crying. ‘She’s put up with your shit long enough. How could you ever be stupid enough to believe she sanctioned your dalliances?’

‘I know, I know,’ he
tries to pathetically defend. ‘But–’

‘But you did,’ I say
, cutting across him, prodding him in the chest. He winces, and I do on the inside. My body
hurts
. ‘Not realising she only let you off because she thought she’d lose you all together if not. You do not deserve her Paul Jeeves,’ I tell him. ‘And you have some serious making up to do
if
, and I stress
if
, she even entertains the idea of giving you another chance.’

‘I know, I know,
and that’s why…’ He fumbles in his pocket, pulling out a ring box. ‘I’m going to do it properly this time.’

He pops open the box to reveal the most
sparkly ring I have ever seen. It must be at least five carats of diamond, Asscher cut, and it is dazzling. Better than Tiggy’s ring easily. I can’t believe it, I can’t believe
this
…
Jeeves
is going to become an honest man because I know for a fact Glinda will say yes. Oh God, that’s another one lost to marriage.

Before I can formulate stunned words to
Jeeves’ declaration, I hear Glinda call me.

‘You stay here
. I’ll be two minutes,’ I hiss, shutting the door on him and heading back to the living room where Glinda is looking at me expectantly. ‘It’s Jeeves,’ I tell her.

Glinda is currently looking far from the perfect girl for Jeeves to propose to. Her face is all red and puffy and her hair looks like she’s
a contender for the scariest scarecrow award. She’d win it as well. This is not how she would want to remember her proposal scenario.

‘
Oh?’

I can tell she
is contemplating her appearance and it destroys me to see her look this unhappy, but I know what will make her happy. I know
who
makes her happy – Jeeves, Jeeves who is outside with a ring that will make all her dreams come true.

‘He’s going to take you out for lunch,’ I
decide, thinking how Jeeves should propose to Glinda. ‘Go and get ready and I’ll find out where.’

‘Do you think I should
go?’ She sounds almost childlike now.

‘Glinda, do you love him?’
I sigh.

‘More than anyone,’ she breathlessly whispers.

‘Well go and get ready,’ I say gently.

She nods and scampers off. I head
back to where Jeeves is waiting outside our front door. He looks…
nervous.
Another first.

‘Go
and book somewhere nice for lunch,’ I order him. ‘And for her sake, be bloody romantic Jeeves. And nice. Don’t even look at whoever takes your order. Stare at Glinda the entire time and
then
after you’ve explained what a bastard you are,
then
you propose.’

H
e looks both amused and worried at the same time.

‘I mean it, Pau
l Jeeves,’ I say, prodding him in the chest again. ‘If you think you can just propose to right away your wrongs, you are sorely mistaken. You are going to be humble and grovel first because she deserves that.’

‘
OK, OK.’ He throws his hands up in mock surrender. ‘I hear you, Voyante.’

‘You
’d better, Jeeves,’ I say sternly. ’Now, where are you going to take her?’

‘
The Savoy
.
It’s where we had our first date.’ He smiles.

He’s in luck – it closes for refurbishment in a few days
’ time.

‘Good man,’ I say
begrudgingly, but I’m glad he’s remembered where he first took her. I can’t help my mind wandering to Theo proposing to me though...

‘
Now, go and buy her some expensive flowers or something, and I’ll have her there by… half one,’ I say after glancing at my watch and applying some Glinda-maths.

‘OK.’
I’m glad he’s being agreeable and not in a sarcastic way, even if he can’t keep the amusement out of his voice.

‘Good luck,’ I whisper as I close the door.

I don’t head to Glinda’s room straight away, I head to the kitchen to make us tea. I need a moment because, even though I’m thrilled about Glinda and Jeeves, I can’t help but feel a sting. Especially when I throw in Tiggy’s engagement. Everyone seems to be settling down and I want that too. I guess it’s more plausible with Theo in my life but I can’t shake this impending sense of Trouble and loneliness. I guess it must be because I’m so used to relationship failure that it’s not hard to perceive every potential possibility in terms of doom and gloom.

I really need to have that chat with Sara and get her to psycho-analyse me soon, but now I have to pick Glinda a suit
able engagement-proposing outfit so she’ll cherish this memory for the rest of her life like she deserves to.

‘Hi G,’ I say, popping down her tea on her dresser before I make my way across to her wardrobe
to rummage through it.

‘Am I doing the right thing meeting him?’ she asks me
whilst frantically trying to do her make-up.

‘You are,’ I confirm. ‘You’re meeting him at
The Savoy at half one, so there’s no need to rush your hair and make-up,’ I instruct as she over-does it with the blusher to resemble Coco the clown more than Coco Chanel.

‘Oh,’ she says softly. ‘That’s where we had our first date.’

‘A-huh.’

‘Did you tell him to take me there?’ she demands, shooting me a look.

‘I promise, he came up with it on his own.’

She smiles at that. ‘Oh!’ she says suddenly, all thoughts of heart-break and misery out of the way
now everything is right with Jeeves again – he really does have it too easy, but if G is happy, then that’s all that matters. ‘How was last night?’

I can’t help but smile broadly in response
. Now the Jeeves crisis has been averted, I know I can freely bask in my glory. I quickly fill her in on the evening and the events of this morning, minus the sex stupidity. I really need to check in with Theo about that one... that will be a fun conversation.