On a sigh, Emerald rolled her eyes, her annoyance growing impossibly bigger. “Sugar, we all have to answer to our maker. That has nothing to do with any of us anymore. She’s dead. She did apologize and regardless of the motives, I believe she was sincere.”
“ ’Bout as sincere as a queen bee sayin’ she swear off honey! She ain’t tell James sorry. What about bein’ sorry for runnin’ off and leavin’ him just because she wanted to be young, single and free? What about bein’ sorry for being a Jezebel?! Answer me that!”
“Sugar, none of us are—”
“A demon in a dress! She was a STD late, and a whore bath short. By the time she apologized, y’all was grown and then you ended up being stuck paying for the damn funeral all by your lonesome. What about them other two kids of hers that got doted on, huh? The ones she actually raised? She ain’t even tell them they had other siblings, what kinda fraggle naggle snap crackle pop shit is that?!”
“She told them, Sugar…” Emerald’s emotions tapered, and she began to feel nothing at all from the callous words hurled her way. A surreal coldness infused her blood, making her feel detached, icy. She’d stretched and grabbed a hold of something dead, something to allow her reactions to turn off like a faucet. She’d mastered this in the past; surely it could be utilized again for the sake of her sanity.
“Yeah, she told them when you was grown! They said it themselves and she ain’t even know her own daughter died, Bea, your little sister, until she sent for you while she was dyin’ her damn self. Poor excuse for a damn human being. That funeral situation wasn’t right and you know it. You wanted to have yo’ mama so bad though you went on and done it. I was surprised at you, Emerald.” Her disapproval dripped all over her words, seasoning the rotting meat of her cruelty just right.
“It wasn’t about me having my mama again, Sugar!” The death of her emotions shoved in the ground and covered with dirt, she burst free, coming to life once again. “The woman needed to be buried and time was ticking. What was I supposed to do? Let her decompose while you berated her corpse?! You are really awful sometimes, Sugar. Where is your compassion?”
“My compassion for her ended in the same bin as her virginity… gone fast and so damn long ago.”
“I don’t have to be heartless just because she was! You and Daddy raised me better than that.”
“We taught you not to play the fool, too. I see that lesson was lost in translation. Them kids of hers ain’t buy shit but a bucket of cold ass chicken for the dinner afterward. How was twenty pieces of chicken ’spose to feed a hundred people? What was they supposed to do? Take a lick and pass it like communion? It wasn’t even KFC; it was from some man sellin’ it out the back of his dirty truck down the road there yonder. We all could’ve gotten salmonella! If that wasn’t a kick in the teeth I don’t know what was! I don’t blame you completely though. Some of this was James’ fault. He had a problem. He saw she wasn’t worth a pissed-on penny early on, but still tried to spend time on her. She should’ve been put on the fastest bus to Hell as soon as he found out about that first affair. She shoulda been on Sesame Street, her legs always wide open for the letter of the day… letter ‘V’.”
“Sugar…”
“And that ‘V’ ain’t for vagina. It’s for venereal disease. Do you know what a venereal disease is, boys ’nd girls?”
“Would you stop it?! That’s so ignorant to say. You don’t have to be promiscuous, Sugar, to get a sexually transmitted disease.”
“You should be proud, Emerald. You ain’t nothing like her, praise Jesus, so please don’t think this was a reflection on you.”
“Oh good… ’cause I was worried about that.” Emerald rolled her eyes and tossed the sandpaper to the side. It had been a rough morning in more ways than one.
“You and Celine weren’t anything alike, ’cept how you look. You look just like her, ’cept you got James’ eyes…”
“I know.” She smiled sadly into her lap.
“That’s the only reason I ain’t ask ’im to take ’er somewhere to get a blood test. See, Emerald, back then, them DNA tests didn’t exist. You had to take one of those blood tests if you were a whore and didn’t know who yo’ baby daddy was, and they cost a whole lotta money. We all got the same eyes; that’s the only reason why I knew as soon as you were born that you were his.”
“Well, thank goodness for your detective skills and instant DNA radar.”
“Don’t be gettin’ smart with me, Emerald St. Claire. You might be almost fifty, but you ain’t never too old to be put in your place.” The woman’s voice shook on the other end like fruit on a vine.
Emerald’s lips crimped at the ends, happy she’d upset the old woman. She was driving her insane, and as far as she was concerned, Sugar would have nothing to talk about if there were nobody in the world messing up for her to judge and tear down; even the ones dead, buried and in the ground weren’t safe from her constant scrutiny.
“She was pretty though, real pretty,” Sugar continued. “And that’s why I always say that I question God’s judgment sometimes. I just don’t say it out loud.”
“What do you mean?” This piqued her interest. She’d never heard Sugar give her mother a compliment before.
“He gave Celine all that pretty hair. Now, don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t good hair.”
“What do you mean it wasn’t good hair? Isn’t good hair the same as healthy, strong hair?” Emerald looped a strand of her own around her finger and gave it a gentle tug.
“Naw. Good hair is soft. Your mama’s hair was nappy, but it was long, thick, and real dark, and when she got a hot comb and some good grease to it, it went to the bottom of her behind… so nice. She must’ve had some Indian in her.”
Emerald grimaced and rolled her eyes.
Sugar always talking about good and bad hair…just ignorant. I can’t stand it.
“God gave her pretty skin, too. It was smooth… and those pretty lips… not too thin, not too big… She had a real nice shape on ’er too, and she knew it. I wasn’t ’shamed to tell a woman she was nice looking because I knew I could hold my own, too, but I didn’t hold a cup of water to Celine. Most women didn’t.”
Emerald swallowed down more words. She double hated when Aunt Sugar would go into these sorts of rants. Aunt Sugar was stunning, even in her old age—not a wrinkle on her mocha colored face. However, she struggled with the effects of colorism, believing anyone lighter than she was somehow exalted, more beautiful. Mama wasn’t even light-skinned, but with her toasty brown complexion, she hovered somewhere in the middle in the spectrum. It broke Emerald’s heart but she knew there was no use in trying to discuss the matter with Sugar; this stuff had been ingrained in the old lady since she’d been a little girl living in the south. She’d tried but was only met with more nonsensical rhetoric.
“But she was my friend, so I felt safe for some reason. Silly when I think about it. Anyway, God made that woman the center of attention and that’s all she knew; it spoiled her. She ain’t try to better herself, ain’t try to get a trade, go to school, nothing. See, I had me a job for over thirty-seven years, even ’foe I was married. Your mama though? Shiiiiid… She just lived off men. The only school she attended regularly was the Institute of Prostitution. She got straight A’s and majored in ‘Flat On My Back’ economics.”
“Sugar! I’ve let this go on long enough. Why do you think I’d want to talk about this? You’re going on and on and this is your worst time ever!”
“I was tryna beat my old record.”
“How can you be okay acting like this, saying these things? She was
still
my mother!”
“ ’Cause you need to know the truth about your mama.” The snubbing tone of Aunt Sugar’s tone sent her over the edge.
“I
know
the truth about her, Sugar!” Her voice rang throughout her townhouse, almost shocking her own self. “I
know
she wasn’t faithful to my father, okay? I know she was wayward and lost! Don’t you think I had to think about all of that every damn time I woke up in the morning? That I kept being reminded my mama was nowhere to be found?!” Angry tears welled in her eyes, surprising her so. “Everybody else had their mamas. They may not have had their daddies, but they had their mamas—and I was the odd woman out. Do you understand how rough that was for me? You couldn’t, or wouldn’t be doing this right now, stickin’ the knife in deeper and deeper. I’m not going to sit here and listen to this one second longer. I tried to let you get it out of your system once and for all, but you just don’t know when to stop. Now change the topic or I’m finished talking.”
“I’m not saying it to hurt you, Emerald.” The old woman’s tone softened. “I’m saying it because I’m mad that she took advantage of my niece, even during her last seconds on this Earth, and nobody gave me a chance to grieve, too!” Sugar’s voice shook with rage and pain. “Nobody asked me how I felt about it! Nobody cared that I felt a special kinda rage towards Celine, ’cause she was my friend! I’ve never forgiven myself for this, either. I set my brother up with her, Emerald…
I’m
the reason his life was ruined. I’m the reason for it all.”
Emerald paused and reflected over the notion as Sugar sobbed on the other end of the line.
“I… I never knew that. I mean, I was aware you all knew each other, but I didn’t know you got them together. Matter of fact, I asked Daddy how he’d met Mama, and he said it happened at a picnic.”
“He did… but I made him walk up to her. James used to be kinda shy around girls, but he liked Celine. Every time she come around the house, he would get to smilin’. I didn’t care for Celine too much at that point even though she was still my friend at the time, but that was the only person James seemed to have an interest in. Back then, I thought maybe they’d do each other some good, rub off on one another. Celine would make James less shy, help him laugh and live a little. And James would show Celine to have some respect, be grateful… find out how a good man acted… one that didn’t use her for sex or expect her to look like a doll all the time. I had all these silly fantasies in my head, but just as my great grandson’s song goes, ‘You can’t turn a Hoe into a Housewife.’ What band did that song? They shoulda played that at her funeral, amen.”
“Sugar! You’re starting again.”
“I’m sorry baby, I am, but you aren’t the only one upset about the whole damn thing. James been dead two years now, and I woke up today and looked at my calendar…”
Don’t say it… I already know, and I was hoping you forgot…
but now it makes sense why you’ve been going off like this!
“Today is his birthday, and I called you this mornin’ because I knew you’d remember it too, and maybe…” Emerald’s heart broke a little as she heard the woman sniffling, fighting back more tears. “I thought just maybe we could lean on one another, help each other out today. I’m in bad shape, Emerald… I’m sorry for the things I’ve said in anger this mornin’, but I’m hurtin’ so bad, baby. I never forgave myself for pushing him into the arms of your mother… but then, of course, if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have
you
…”
Emerald ran her knuckle against her cheek, wiping away a tear that threatened to make it down to her chin.
“I got your five cousins, baby, nothin’ but boys. You’re the closest thang to a little girl I ever had, and it made you all the more special to me and your Uncle Kirby. Even after all of these years, I’m protective of you, Emerald. Last thing in this whole world I’d want to do is drive you into the arms of pain, but I ain’t got nobody to talk to. Your Uncle Kirby don’t listen to me; all he wanna do is hang down there at that bar, watch TV, or sleep. My boys don’t wanna hear none of this neither. You also say you don’t want to hear no part of it, but when is someone going to hear me out and listen? I’m bashing your mama, and I suppose that ain’t right but every time I tried to tell you how I felt, no matter how bad it sounded, I’d stop midway or you’d cut me off. I just got so much pent up inside… so much…”
“Sugar, neither I nor all the King’s Horsemen could ever stop you from saying anything and everything you want to say.” The old woman burst into a laugh until it slowed and simmered, leaving a trail of silence between them, but one that softened the mood.
“You think I’m mean, Emerald?”
“It’s no coincidence you live on a street called Grim Avenue. You
are
mean, Sugar… just a mean old lady walking around killing people’s good mood,” Emerald teased behind a tearful chuckle and wiped another tear from her right eye.
“Am I?” The woman cackled. “I guess a little bit. I’ll have to pray on it I suppose, but let me tell you something. I’ve always worried about you, told James that all the time, too, because a little girl needs her mama. I did the best I could from long distance, here in Waco, but nothing can replace a child’s mama. You turned out just fine though, divorced ’nd all, ’cause prayers work.”
“I could feel your prayers.” Emerald made her way to the kitchen sink and poured herself a glass of water from the tap.
“When Bea died, I was overcome with grief. She was just a baby, but you were my strength, Emerald.”
She felt more tears welling in her eyes and fought them as she looked down, her vision blurry, proving it was far too late to get off the emotional rollercoaster now. The glass teetered in her hand. Daddy’s birthday was proving to be a bit too much. He was gone too early—far too soon, just like her little sister, Bea.
Bea had suffered with sickle cell anemia. The little girl was so young during the time of her passing, but she still recalled Bea’s strawberry shaped face and wide smile.
“James lost a good job racing around to the hospitals, the clinics, everywhere he could go to have her looked at. He was determined to help his baby girl, but he was boxing with the Devil, Emerald, so the odds weren’t in his favor. You know diseases are creations from the Devil now, don’t you?”
“Sugar, I think that no matter how we look at it, whatever I, you, or anyone else believes, we know they aren’t good. Bea’s death happened only a few months after Mama left, and I think… I don’t think daddy was ever the same after that. I think his heart was broken so badly by that point, he could probably never make a full recovery.”
They were quiet for a good while.