Authors: EMME CROSS
The final notes of “
Panis Angelicus
” had barely faded before the small audience let out its collective breath and broke into applause.
The twelve-year-old singer was going to study at Julliard and there was even enough money left over in the scholarship to allow his mother to accompany him to New York City. The business of the morning complete, Linus and Sunny wandered into Gustavia in search of lunch. They settled at the Carl Gustaf Hotel where Linus had taken a suite, enjoying canapés and wine and the harbour view from their perch in the dining room.
“So how’s my favourite innkeeper?”
“If I’d known you were coming, I would have saved you one of the villas but we’re booked solid through to the end of March. I’m working on renovating the two other properties Mimi left in trust for Bliss — the old house in Corrosol and the two bedroom condo in Gustavia. I’m turning into a slum lord.”
“As if there were such a thing on St. Barts. It’s just as well the villas are booked. It’s a little soon for me to stay so close to Mimi’s — still too many memories. As for the foundation, you’ve done a terrific job sorting through all the candidates. But what a collection!”
“I know,” nodded Sunny savouring her array of mini quiches and marvelling at how well the mascarpone, sage and plum went together. She ticked off the list on her fingers. “A plumbing apprentice in France, an aspiring doctor going to McGill University in Montreal and an opera singer heading to New York to follow his dream. I like to think that Mimi is smiling down on them, wishing them well.”
“I don’t know how our budding opera singer will be able to fulfill his obligations and return to work on St. Barts.”
“Who knows? Maybe he’ll entertain at midnight mass or sing at a New Year’s Eve party. Speaking of which, why are you hosting one? You hate that kind of thing.”
Linus gave an embarrassed shrug. “I lost a uranium mine to Ivan.”
Ivan Ivanoff was a rival billionaire and had produced two of Sven’s movies, including the one where he and Sunny had first met.
“The deal was that the loser would pay for a party and host it. The bastard cheated. He had somebody on the inside and I ended up losing the mine. That means I have to slap on a tux and pretend to be interested in all the celebrities and hangers-on. That’s why I want you and Sven to come. I’ll need some normal people to talk to.”
“It means getting all dressed up and having my hair and make-up done, so you’ll owe me!” She blushed and set aside her foie gras. “You know I’d do anything for you. I can never repay you . . .” Sunny’s voice trailed off as she remembered how Linus had saved her life and that of her unborn child from the tsunami.
“Enough!” The voice that brought a thousand boardrooms to attention snapped her out of her reverie. “Stop being grateful. I should be grateful to you. Saving your life was the best thing I’ve ever done; it’s the thing I’m most proud of. It helps,” he said softly, “that it was your life. And Bliss. Stop thanking me. If you feel the need to pay me back, there is a way you can help me.”
“Anything.”
“I want to take the boat out to Rockefeller Beach. I want to go back to where everything happened and finally remember. And I want to say goodbye to Mimi properly.”
Taking her hand, he looked into her eyes. “I can’t imagine being able to do that without you.”
The only response from his dining companion was, “when?”
* * *
Sven’s arms were overflowing with diapers, beer and mail when he stopped by the harbour to take a break and sort through his parcels and letters. It was another perfect day in St. Barts. The boats were crisscrossing the harbour hunting for a berth and the sun was shining. Why then did he feel so at odds?
“What are you reading?” Sven looked up to see Reverend Nelson approach through the stone gates of the greenery beside the church.
“I can’t make heads or tails of this letter. Can you read French?”
“Come into the garden. It’s a nice cool oasis in this heat.”
Once they were seated on a stone bench surrounded by a fragrant array of roses, he put on his reading glasses and had a good look at the letter.
“Evangeline Rousseau! The French actress?”
“Yeah,” shrugged Sven. “She keeps writing me since Henry died but I haven’t understood a word. I didn’t want to ask Sunny to translate.”
After a quick glance and a blush, the cleric agreed these weren’t the kind of letters one would share with one’s wife. “What’s going on? I wouldn’t have thought she’d be your type, and she’s almost as old as your mother.”
Sven explained how Evangeline had propositioned him during the filming of
The Barbarian King.
He’d pretended to be involved in a homosexual relationship with Sir Henry Clover. With Henry dead, Evangeline had been writing non-stop on embossed and heavily scented paper trying to rekindle what she considered to be their aborted affair.
“You’re turning down Evangeline Rousseau? Subject of untold numbers of adolescent fantasies?”
“If you met her, you’d understand that she’s better in fantasy than in reality. Besides, I’m married. Happily!” Sven added.
“Sunny is looking a little peaked these days. I thought maybe something was going on. No,” Reverend Nelson said, holding up his hand, “she hasn’t said anything, but I can always tell.”
He waited. Clergymen are champion waiters. As he expected, Sven filled in the blanks, recounting in fits and starts what happened in London after Henry’s death.
“So, Sunny’s forgiven you but you haven’t forgiven yourself. The two of you always fall into the same pattern. You never meant to harm her in any way, you’re certain of that? I wouldn’t be able to counsel you if I thought otherwise.”
“Never,” said Sven emphatically. He’d spent much of his time in the past few weeks going over the night Henry died. He knew he’d been drunk and needed Sunny but he also knew he never wanted to hurt her. She had fought back because she’d had a flashback to Clyde’s attack on her. If he hadn’t been so drunk and upset none of it would have happened. He would have been able to contain himself. That was why, ever since that night, he had barely touched her. He’d stayed away, avoiding going to bed at the same time as Sunny, ignoring her unspoken pleas for intimacy. He was running out of excuses. He didn’t ever want to hurt her again and if that meant that their sex life had gone from boil to simmer, so be it. That was the price you paid to protect the ones you loved.
Reverend Nelson studied his face. “I believe you. Besides, there’s no way Sunny would stay in an abusive relationship; she has too much self-respect. People always make the mistake of thinking that because someone’s nice, they must also be weak. I’d suggest you talk to someone about your father’s death. It seems to have been some kind of trigger and you need help dealing with the trauma. Let me think on this for a while. What’s that?” He pointed to the book in Sven’s hand.
“It’s from Henry. He willed me his old edition of Romeo and Juliet, signed by Sir Laurence Olivier.”
“Quite a legacy. Apt. I always think of you and Sunny like that.”
“But they died!”
The Reverend smiled and patted his shoulder. “They always do. But before they died, they lived, passionately. I can’t imagine asking for anything more.”
* * *
While Sven was confiding in Reverend Nelson, Sunny was pouring her troubles out to Linus. It all began when he asked for a kiss.
“What?”
“I’m here to deal with the past, and a huge part of that is Mimi. I’m dealing with the fact I couldn’t save her from the tsunami. But another big part of my past on St. Barts is you.”
Linus stared with compelling eyes at his companion and Sunny stopped, the spoon halfway to her mouth. “I fell in love with you.” He waved way her usual protestations that he’d been mistaken. “I need to deal with my feelings for you before I can move on. I want to move on, Sunny,” he said, holding both of her hands and gazing into her face, willing her to understand. “I need to move on. You were right. I am missing something in my life, some connection. Love, I guess. Anyway,” he said with a shake of his head, “I can’t move on until I put the past behind me. That means being certain I’m over you.”
Sunny was lost for words. She loved Linus, but she’d never looked at him in a romantic light until the day before the tsunami, when he’d kissed her. She’d been seven months pregnant with Bliss at the time, separated from Sven by geography, time and circumstances. She blushed, remembering her response — the heat, the gush of moisture between her legs, her tingling breasts. Her shock that Linus —
Linus!
— could arouse such an erotic response. She’d put it down to hormones and locked it away in a corner of her mind.
“This is a lose-lose proposition. If I kiss you and feel nothing but you feel something for me, then our friendship will collapse. If we both feel something, then I’ll have cheated on Sven. Things may not be great at the moment but I can’t do that. Plus, the way things are between my husband and me right now, I’m liable to feel something for you just because I’m so frustrated. I’d rather just leave things as they are.”
She took his hand and looked straight into his eyes. “I love you Linus, but not that way. And whatever you may think, you don’t love me either, not really.”
“We’ll have to disagree on that point.” He sighed and changed the subject. “What’s the problem between you and golden boy? With the awards and the baby, I would have figured he had everything a man could want.”
“We’ve hit a rough patch. It happened after Henry died. It dredged up memories for both of us. I’m dealing with it. I’m back in therapy and that’s really helped but Sven, well, you know Sven. He isn’t dealing with it. He’s trying to bury his feelings and in the meantime he won’t come near me. Linus, I even tried seducing him,” Sunny added, anxious to confide in someone. “If Mimi were here I’d ask her for advice. I don’t feel right asking his mother or Reverend Nelson. You’re a man of the world. Tell me what to do. I got new fancy underwear and lit candles and touched him and . . . nothing. He patted me on the head, said he was tired and went to bed.”
Linus didn’t know whether to be excited or appalled. Imagine turning down Sunny! He shook off the image of her lying in the candlelight wearing nothing but filmy lingerie. He responded with a bitter laugh. “You haven’t lost your charm. You have more charm than is legal in most countries. Sven just needs a little push. Get all dressed up for the party and let him see what he’s missing.”
The parcel arrived first thing on New Year’s Eve morning. Sunny was next door delivering homemade croissants to her villa guests and stocking their refrigerators with freshly squeezed orange juice and champagne for their celebratory mimosas.
Sven opened the box, unveiling a swath of moss green satin amidst the tissue paper. There was a glimmer of a sparkle — a diamond and emerald tennis bracelet. The note read
“No T-shirts and shorts tonight. Love, Linus.”
The bastard, thought Sven, picking up the baby’s soother and shooing the dog away from the box. He just swans in with jewels and a fancy dress. Sven and Sunny had limped through the Christmas holidays with strained smiles. He spent his days with the dog or the baby and Sunny filled the hours with renovation plans and her island friends. He never would have believed two people could live in the same house and spend so little time together. She ran in the morning, then saw to her villa guests. He ran in the afternoon. They filled the tense evening silence with friends or their daughter.
They hadn’t made love in weeks. Not that she hadn’t tried. On Christmas night she had confronted him wearing a pale pink lace merry widow and stockings. Sunny wearing stockings! She was his present, she said, begging to be unwrapped. It was all he could do to turn away. But he had, saying he was tired — again.
Night after night he was tired. Or busy. Or Bliss was teething. Or he was expecting a phone call. Night after night he turned away from the hurt look in his wife’s eyes and ignored his own desperate need for release. But he couldn’t give in, not after London. Not after he’d hurt her that way. He couldn’t trust himself around Sunny. He knew he was obsessed with her, with how she tasted and felt and smelled. The feeling he experienced when he was inside her was indescribable; comforting and exciting at the same time. But after London he didn’t trust his self-control. Some nights, when the cravings got too bad and she’d gone to bed alone, he’d watch the video he had made of the two of them making love when she was pregnant with Bliss, and remember.
* * *
“Simply gorgeous. I can’t believe you did your own hair and make-up.” Judith’s eyes lit up in admiration.
The dress Linus had sent was rather daring for Sunny. It was moss green silk, matching perfectly with her eye colour. There were wide straps leading to a bodice made up of two bands, one barely covering her breasts, the other hooked to a full, ballerina skirt.
Sunny was wearing the emerald and diamond tennis bracelet and the diamond chandelier earrings Linus had given her as a wedding present. Her hair was pulled to one side, falling over her shoulder and down her back in a cascade of curls and waves. She’d taken time with her make-up, learning from the professionals who’d prepared her for red carpet occasions. Her freckles were muted, her blonde eyebrows pencilled in, her eyes huge, accentuated by emerald green and gold shadow. She’d outlined her lips in nude and filled them in with a luscious shade of golden brown lipstick, remembering to use gloss to highlight the plush pillowy center of her lower lip.
“After almost three years of being in the spotlight with your son, I’ve learnt a few tricks. At least now I don’t poke out my eye when I put on mascara. I can even manage high heels. Are you okay looking after Bliss tonight? I can get someone in if you’re expecting company.” She twinkled at her mother-in-law. Sunny knew that when Judith came to St. Barts she had a long-standing affair with Inspector Hubert, the island’s top cop.
“Any company I may or may not be expecting will arrive long after this one is asleep. Let me take the puppy as well. Sponge and I will take Bliss for a walk around the harbour to see the lights and all the dressed up celebrities before bedtime. That way, you and Sven can have some time alone. I know you could use it.”
Judith didn’t mean to pry but she was aware things weren’t right between her son and his wife. She hadn’t walked in on them making love in weeks. It wasn’t normal.
“New Year’s Eve is about new beginnings. Maybe tonight Sven and I can make a fresh start.”
* * *
‘International Bright Young Things’ by Jesus Jones was blaring from the speakers at Ivan’s compound. To gain entry, Sunny and Sven had to show their invitation to four sets of security guards, who looked dangerously officious in their severely cut suits and earpieces.
Linus was waiting, twirling Sunny around to admire her new dress.
“Perfect! Doesn’t your wife look perfect, Sven?”
The actor tried not to scowl. “She looks very nice.” Actually, Sven thought Sunny was ravishing, which is precisely what he wanted to do, ravish her. It would take every ounce of willpower to stay away from her, not to nuzzle the down on her neck or trace the underside of her breasts first with his fingers, then with his tongue. The swell was just visible beneath the abbreviated bodice of her gown. Giving his head a shake, he made an excuse and went off in search of a less titillating view.
Sunny’s shoulders sagged at Sven’s abrupt dismissal. It seemed there would be little to celebrate this New Year’s Eve. She spotted Ivan’s wife, Ivanka and the two talked about child-rearing while Sven navigated his way through the throng of Hollywood royalty. He was one of them now, an Oscar winner, but he would have done anything to be able to spend this evening at home with Sunny and their daughter. Ignoring the piles of cocaine being hoovered up in the bathrooms, and ducking past the copulating couples, Sven realised that this wasn’t his scene, not any more. He couldn’t believe how little he missed it. He no longer needed the momentary high when he was recognised or the ego boost of a quick, anonymous blow job. He had a family. He had something real. Disengaging himself from the small talk, he went in search of his wife. At least he could watch her from a safe distance. He saw her on the dance floor. Linus was whispering in her ear, making Sunny laugh. She was radiant.
Linus noticed Sven glowering in the background and a mischievous twinkle glinted in his eye. “Come down to the pool. I have a surprise for you.”
“Not another surprise! I would have thought the dress and bracelet were enough. Don’t worry. I haven’t gotten the dress dirty so it and the jewellery can go back tomorrow. I know how these things work. I was careful to mention where they came from to the reporters outside.”
“They’re not borrowed,” said Linus, with a light kiss on Sunny’s cheek as they descended to the pool area. “They’re presents.” Before she could protest he added, “How many birthdays and Christmases and anniversaries have I missed? If it makes you feel any better, the bracelet is for Bliss and you’re borrowing it from her until she’s older.”
Sunny wasn’t sure if she should accept his generosity. It felt wrong, even dishonest, given how she had cut him off earlier in the week and dismissed his feelings. But then she remembered what her therapist had said about people being responsible for their own actions. If this is what Linus wanted to do, Sunny would let him. She quashed her misgivings and murmured a quiet “thank you.”
At the pool, Sunny remembered all those nights during filming when Sven would wait for her with a towel after her swim. They’d kiss or talk and make plans. Those were happy, expectant times. But Linus wasn’t feeling nostalgic. Making sure Sven had followed, he said rather loudly, “Now, I want that kiss. You promised me.”
Sunny blushed with embarrassment. All she could think was that Linus was expecting payment for the damn dress and bracelet after all. This wouldn’t end well. She tried reason. “We talked about this. I don’t feel that way about you.”
He yanked her into his arms, whispering urgently in her ear. “Play along. Sven’s watching. Let’s make him jealous.”
Sunny tried to pull away, shocked. “What are you doing?”
“You said he was acting distant. If I know Sven, nothing will bring him to heel faster than a little competition.”
Then all the weeks of pent up frustration bubbled forth. “How dare you? Who asked you to interfere in my private life? In my marriage?”
It was Linus’s turn to look shocked. “I’m helping you out, you idiot. You should thank me,” he hissed.
“Thank you?” Sunny’s voice rose in anger. “I never asked for your help. I certainly have no interest in being a pawn in your silly macho games.”
Sven arrived at the pool having overheard bits and pieces of their conversation through the music drifting from the party above. Blue eyes blazing, cheeks flushed with anger, he shouted, “What the hell are you doing? Giving her jewellery. Luring her down here!”
Linus was spoiling for a fight. He had more than two years’ worth of anger stored up against Sven. “Okay, golden boy, bring it on. You’ve got it coming. The way you treat her! Leaving her when she was pregnant! Ignoring her now! A stray dog would be a better husband. But I guess you still aren’t housebroken, are you?”
But testosterone was no match for oestrogen and Sunny stepped between the two presumptive combatants, ignoring their clenched fists and set jaws.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
Both men turned in surprise. In their fury, they’d forgotten that Sunny, the supposed object of their fight, was still there.
“You’re going to fight? Over me? You are both . . .” She fumed, grasping for words, finally settling on the good old standby, “assholes!” Then she gave vent to a long string of evident expletives in languages ranging from Arabic to Zulu, barely pausing to take a breath. She closed her eyes to compose herself. When she opened them again they had taken on an ominous glitter.
“Go ahead. Fight. I hope you hurt each other. Sven, kick him in his left ankle, that’s the one with the pins from the tsunami. Linus,” she said turning to her host, “hit him in the balls, if you can find them.”
Both men gasped.
“Cowards! You’re both cowards. Linus, you hide behind these fake feelings for me rather than go and find someone you could really share your life with. Sven, don’t get me started. I’ve never met anybody so afraid of everything. Love, fatherhood, making a mistake, you name it!”
“Of hurting you!” he bellowed.
She marched up to him, eyes blazing, standing toe-to-toe, glaring up into her husband’s face.
“I’m not a fucking damsel in distress. I’m a strong independent woman who is fed up with you. And you!” She turned to give Linus a scathing glare. “Trying to manipulate and coddle me. Pretending you know what’s best for me.” She took a deep breath and continued in a way that would broach no interruption. “I’ve travelled around the world with only my dad for company. I was almost raped and murdered but I battled back. I built up a successful business. On my own. I lost one child. I went through almost an entire pregnancy. On my own. I survived an earthquake and a tsunami. I don’t need either of you!”
She paused, and her words rang out above the muted sounds of music and laughter from the party above. Sunny lowered her voice. “I don’t need you, either of you,” she repeated. “But I want you both in my life.” She was pleading now. “Linus, I want you because you remind me of Mimi. Because I cherish your friendship and counsel. If that’s not enough, you can . . . fuck off!” She seemed as surprised by her comment as he.
Sunny was on a roll. “And you. My husband. My beloved.” She scoffed. “You can fuck off too!”
“Sunny!”
“I need you to stop shutting me out. I want to really share your life and feelings. Did you even listen to the vows at our wedding? In good times and bad? We’ve hit a bad patch and what happened? You disappeared. You stopped touching me, stopped wanting me.” She was crying now. “It would have hurt less if you’d slept with other women. At least then, I could have pretended they were available and more attractive than me. But the way you’ve been since London? I can’t even kid myself you want me anymore. It’s not fair. You can’t teach me about sex, about love and then just turn away. You promised me! You said, if you ever stopped wanting me, you would tell me. I trusted you!” she finished, her voice rigid with condemnation.
“I don’t want to hurt you!”
“I’d rather face ten attacks from Clyde than what you’ve put me through these last few weeks. Broken bones heal,” she said, unconsciously fingering the wrist that had been broken during Clyde’s attack. “Broken hearts don’t. You’re breaking my heart.”
With that she turned on her heel and stalked off into the night, a furious blur in moss green silk.
The two men stood by the pool in silence.
Sven spoke first. “What was that?”
Linus was as shocked. “Mimi always warned me Sunny had a temper. I never would have believed it if I hadn’t seen it. That was amazing.”
“I didn’t even understand everything she was saying. When she’s upset she starts talking in all these different languages.”
“I got
scheisse
.”
Sven realized he’d been holding his breath and exhaled. “She’s right, you know. I don’t give her any credit. My wife is the strongest person I know and I treat her like she’s this fragile flower.”
“I’m no better,” Linus responded. “When she was alone and pregnant I deluded myself that I’d fly to her rescue. When I finally could during the tsunami it just kind of solidified that idea. Stupid, when you think about it. She was the strong one. She kept me focussed when my ankle shattered. She swam and got the boat. I can’t tell you how terrifying that was, to watch her almost be swept away by the currents and the debris. She never gave up. She kept her head until we found a safe place to wait for help. If anybody saved us, it was Sunny,” he said in a moment of realization. “My ankle was crushed. I was in a lot of pain. I might have given up when Mimi disappeared but Sunny wouldn’t let me. She was almost seven months pregnant with Bliss, and she wouldn’t let me give up. She made me focus on the future, on my family.” He sat down with a thunk, as if his legs could no longer support his weight. “I should be thanking her for saving my life, not the other way around. Typical male hubris.”