“None taken,” I said.
“I was driving around yesterday looking for
it and I saw the ad. It never occurred to me it would be you
kids.”
Teres smiled. “We pick up the darndest
things.”
Mrs. Sullivan tucked George, with
difficulty, into her purse. It bulged. A lot. “Well,” she said with
a bright smile. “I suppose I'd better find a better place to hide
him, eh?”
Before I could stop myself, I spoke up. “You
should ask Kim, Mrs. Sullivan. You two have a lot in common.” Kim
stopped staring at her mother just long enough to fix a malevolent
glare on me, silently assuring me of unbelievable amounts of pain
in my immediate and unavoidable future.
Her mom grinned and pulled Kim into a hug.
“Yeah, I know. We both have lousy taste in men.”
Kim's voice came out muffled and timid. “But
great shopping skills,” she said. Mrs. Sullivan just laughed and
took her by the arm as they both walked out the door.
“So what kind do you like?” we heard her mom
asking.
Teres and I sank onto the couch and looked
at each other, lips and jaws struggling, until the car sounds
faded, and then we let ourselves laugh it out. It took a while. The
hilarity of the situation, plus the underlying dread of certain
Kim-based retribution, took our breath away and we just
howled.
Finally I calmed down enough to say, “That
was way more about her family than I ever wanted to know.” Teres
just kept giggling that great laugh of hers. When the knock on the
door came she was still curled up, shaking, so I got up to get
it.
The two men standing there wore identical white
short sleeve shirts, black pants and ties, and they both held
familiar-looking pamphlets and bibles. What the heck, I figured.
After spending the day discovering the kinky inclinations of our
immediate neighbors, a little harmless religious proselytizing
might be refreshing, and it'd do us good to talk about something
that doesn't involve lubrication in any obvious manner. Besides, we
still had some chicken left. “Come on in, fellas. What can I do for
you?”
They looked at each other nervously, and
shuffled their feet. Finally one of them spoke up.
“We heard you found something…?”
-------------------------
Are You Sexy
Enough?
“How to Give Her 15 Screaming Orgasms Before
She Gets Both Her Shoes Off”
“We Review the 100 Best All-Natural,
Water-Based Non-Carcinogenic Lubes”“
“Can You Last An Hour, Or Are You a
Failure?”
“How Can I Tell If My Lover’s Prostate
Tastes Right?”
Lifestyle magazines are full
of handy sexual tips these days. Due to various social and economic
rules that are closely tied to mankind’s baser instincts, it is
exceedingly rare indeed to find anything on the newsstands that
doesn’t have the word “orgasm” somewhere on the cover, up to and
including
The Christian Science
Monitor
and
Highlights
. And it can be difficult to
wade through this heaving onslaught of material without getting the
feeling that you might be somehow… lacking? Not as well versed in
the tantric Vedas as you should be? Do you find yourself unable to
quickly analyze your partner’s state of arousal by pheromone level
alone? Have you screwed enough people to constitute a sufficient
statistical universe? Is your score in the Purity Test
distressingly pure?
Well, Hoot Island does have its standards,
and we expect our readers to make the grade. Just take this handy
quiz to see if you have what it takes in today’s hip, savvy
boudoir:
To me, Sex is…
a. something to be shared between two people
in a loving, committed relationship
b. something to be shared with that redhead
over there
c. something to be shared between seven
people in a loving, committed relationship
d. a supremely athletic event that’s getting
ruined by amateurs and corporate sponsors, like surfing
e. more necessary than air
My favorite sex toy is powered by:
a. “C” batteries
b. a car battery
c. a turbine engine
d. an intricate network of gears, pulleys,
waterworks and pack animals
e. a small, self-contained nuclear power
plant
The last place I had sex was:
a. in bed, with the lights off
b. on the dining room table, with the lights
on
c. on the dining room table at the Embassy
Hilton, with the lights on
d. in an Esprit V8 going 160 mph through a
mountain pass at midnight, with the lights off
e. inside a coffin, during a cremation
I judge a man's sexuality by his:
a. length
b. length and width
c. imagination
d. length, width,
and
imagination, and
credit rating, and golf handicap
e. network of scar patterns
What are the only utterly necessary steps
of any sexual encounter?
a. male orgasm
b. intercourse, male orgasm
c. foreplay, intercourse, male and female
orgasm
d. foreplay, multiple mutual orgasms,
intercourse, multiple mutual orgasms, intercourse, multiple mutual
orgasms (repeat)
e. Stamping ground, flapping arms while
displaying cheek pads in aggressive display, hooting loudly,
flinging dung at rivals, building a nest to attract the female
butcherbird, orgasm, consuming mate and depositing eggs in
still-warm corpse
I judge a woman’s sexuality solely by
her:
a. hooters
b. sensual, confident attitude
c. willingness to have sex with me
d. hooters and willingness to have sex with
me
e. willingness to have sex with me and any
three of my buds
How many of your lover’s erogenous zones
have you successfully located?
a. 12
b. 35
c. all of them
d. only the ones on my lover’s actual
body
e. all of them, and I created three
more
Judging from your own experience, what is
the average length of a man’s penis?
a. 9”
b. 10”
c. 11”
d. a and c
e. I add the sum of all the lengths and
divide by the number of man currently in bed
How do you keep track of your lovers
afterwards?
a. my diary
b. reading
The National Enquirer
c. collecting CDs of every band I’ve
had
d. a dedicated computer database, online so
it can be updated from anywhere, instantly
e. my staff handles that sort of thing
I learned about sex from:
a. my
parents/uncle/aunt/teacher/coach/parole officer
b. my schoolmates
c. porn videos
d. porn videos starring my parents
e. directing porn videos starring my parents
and my schoolmates
My first time was:
a. gentle and loving, with someone I cared
about
b. wild and animalistic, with someone
handy
c. a carefully crafted media event to help
debut my new perfume
d. as number #257 and #263 in the “World’s
Largest Gang-Bang 2”
e. recorded by three separate amateur
astronomers on two different continents as a new sighting
Safe sex means:
a. condoms, foam, those little rubber things
the girl sticks in
b. getting a complete blood test and medical
history back to the crib
c. wearing your seatbelt during
d. making sure the knots are within
reach
e. knee pads, support cables, two burly
spotters, and making sure the safety is on
What’s the longest sex act you’ve ever
experienced?
a. an honest 3 minutes, by God!
b. halftime
c. the duration of the cab drive from Camden
to Parliament, not counting the stop for drinks and
preventatives
d. the duration of the plane trip from New
York to Zurich, not counting the break for dinner but including the
movie
e. it began on Bastille Day, 1991, and has
been peaking steadily since
You discover that your new lover is
married. What do you do?
a. end it immediately, it’s not worth the
heartache
b. continue until discovery is imminent,
then get the hell out
c. stay in the relationship until you have
drained it of every drop of potential pleasure, then bring the
whole marriage down in flames
d. leave immediately, preventing closure,
then make a point of re-entering your lover’s life in a dramatic
fashion every few years to keep things interesting
e. immediately seduce your lover’s spouse as
well, either simultaneously or in sequence, to keep things
fair
Oral sex is:
a. okay, I guess
b. better than anything on this earth,
except for the World Cup
c. the best way to shut someone up,
ever
d. the very best way to say “good
morning!”
e. the only proper study of a lifetime
How far will you go on a first date?
a. a chaste kiss, if the rest of the date
has been agreeable
b. a passionate kiss, if we really hit it
off
c. oral sex, either as a promise or as the
best way to get them to leave
d. an all-nighter, but only if it’s
understood that I never do that sort of thing, that’s what I always
say
e. I might be willing to conceive a child,
but the medical fees have to be Dutch treat
Anal sex is:
a. dirty and nasty and specifically
prohibited by God
b. okay, if you must insist, but only for a
special occasion such as an anniversary or perfect bowling game,
but get it over with and don’t ever tell anybody or I’ll poison
your coffee
c. something to be approached with care,
with someone you love and trust implicitly
d. something to be approached with bear
grease
e. what you do after everything else on your
body is used up
I think the first time you make love to a
new person, you should:
a. be very certain that this is what both of
you want, and then go slowly and gently
b. get good and drunk and go at it like
crazed ferrets
c. be respectful and get her aroused
gradually, using just the one fist
d. probably get their name, at some
point
e. probably discover their gender, at some
point
If someone ever took nude pictures of you,
how would you respond?
a. with affronted dignity and the barest
suggestion of a possible lawsuit
b. with flattered “thank you”s
c. with wild sex and some photography of my
own
d. with tips on lighting and
composition
e. with legal injunctions against sale or
distribution until contracts can be signed that grant me all rights
regarding reproduction in any and all forms of media, especially
cinematic productions or webcasts
After sex, how long do you wait until you
tell your best friend?
a. until after the relationship is over
b. until the next day, at lunch
c. until I can reach the phone without
offending
d. until I can figure out which of the
tangle of bodies in the bed is my best friend
e. I never tell, they can damn well buy the
book like everybody else
Scoring
Give yourself 1 point for every “a” answer,
2 points for every “b”, 3 points for every “c”, 4 points for every
“d”, and 5 points for every “e”. Add ‘em up and find yourself
below.
20 — 39 points:
I’m sorry, but I’m afraid this book really isn’t
for you. Perhaps you might consider reading a nice religious tract,
or keeping bees, or whatever it is that boring people
do.
40 — 59 points:
Not bad, not bad at all. You’re very nearly sexy
enough to hang out with us, but you’d be, metaphorically speaking,
the guy that always gets sent for beer.
60 — 79 points:
Now we’re getting somewhere. Sexy, adventurous,
relatively uninhibited, selfish enough to be exciting in bed and
insufferable everywhere else. You’d do anything someone asked you
to, but you’re not at your best when it comes to inventing your own
moves. I’d do you and even admit to it afterwards.
80 — 99 points:
Yow! You’re a smoking hottie and you’ve got rock
stars hanging around your front doorstep waiting for you to come
out. If only they knew your heart belongs to… well, you. You’re
impulsive, exciting, and ready to drop everything and go at it
wherever you are. You’d bang the priest during your own funeral if
you could get the book out of his hands, and we love you for
it.
100 points:
You are a sex god/dess, and I can only assume that
your love slave filled out this questionnaire under your precisely
screamed orders. You certainly wouldn’t have had the time. You
don’t play at destroying marriages, you bring down governments. You
are the destroyer manifested in supple flesh, and we kneel before
you. Carefully. Or else you’re just a total slut, but that’s good
too.
-------------------------
How Was Your
Service?
The following is, as close as I can remember
it, a verbatim conversation held in bed one cozy morning: