Meryl:
Carol! I told you that in confidence, when we was grown and
you were worried you touched yourself too much! You have no right
to broadcast it that way!
Susie:
(loudly whispering to the others)
I
saw that pillow, too. Worn down to the feathers.
Meryl:
Hmph.
Susie:
(overly dignified)
And it's
“Susie.”
HI:
Ladies, masturbation is a perfectly natural, healthy practice.
There's no reason to be ashamed of it in this day and
age.
Meryl:
There's also no reason to discuss it here. And it's much more
natural than what she used to get up to!
Susie:
What do you mean?
Martha:
Tastes almost zactly like the toddies Jackson used to make f'r
me on Saturday nights. . .
Meryl:
I heard the boys talk about you. You used your
mouth!
Susie:
(laughing)
Yup, yes ma'am, I surely
did! I heard about you from yer husband, too. He said you
didn't.
Meryl:
I am not going to dignify that with a response! Not to you and
not to him!
Susie:
That's okay, we decided you were just REpressed.
Martha:
Give me a toddy right after supper, when we was sitt’n ‘round
the fire. Right nice, it was, and he made the best ones. Especially
when he wanted me to rim him.
Meryl:
And just what is that supposed to mean, “we” decided? How
often did you two talk about me?
Susie:
Every Wednesday, while you was at choir practice.
Meryl:
Every…
Susie:
Well, not
every
Wednesday.
Martha:
Nope, Saturday was the night, that was hot toddy
night.
Susie:
Most Wednesdays we hardly mentioned you at all.
Martha:
Always made me two of 'em, so I could use the second to rinse
my mouth out afterwards. He was a considerate man, Jackson
was.
(Everyone slowly turned their attention to
Martha)
Martha:
(dignified)
You don't think I'd rim
somebody stone sober, do you?
Meryl:
What…?
Susie:
It's a mouth thing, you wouldn't understand.
(to Martha)
Did you
really?
Martha:
Honey, Jackson was in his 80's. I had to rim him for a good
half-hour just to make it stick far enough out to pee!
(she and Susie break into giggles)
Then on
Sunday
nights…
HI:
So would you say that sex has always been with us, but our
attitudes and comfort level have changed?
Meryl:
Oh, fuck off.
-------------------------
Valentine's
For One
Valentine's Day! Most romantic of holidays, a day
(and night) to celebrate the powerful relationship you've forged,
with hard work, love and communication, with your significant
other(s). Sure, it's a combination of several pagan holidays and
Roman bacchanalian celebrations hammered together and relentlessly
pushed at you by soulless corporations to sell greeting cards,
candy and roses, but is that any reason not to go with it? Love it
up!
However, there are those of you who will be alone on
this day. You may be single, or widowed, or your lover may be
unavoidably occupied very far away. Many of you feel Valentine's
Day to be a mockery of your solitude, an insult added to your
injury. I say thee nay! Valentine's Day is meant to be a
celebration of love eternal, no matter what your immediate social
situation may be. Spend it with the one you truly love! The one who
will never leave you, no matter how bad things get. The one you can
say anything to, the one you can touch wherever and whenever you
want without fear of awkwardness or misunderstanding, the only one
in the world that truly understands you and loves you anyway. Your
dog.
For those of you who have no pets, spend the day
loving yourself. Take a 24 hour period and cherish yourself the way
you were meant to be. Learn to love the person who truly owns your
heart.
First thing in the morning, welcome yourself with
breakfast in bed. Granted, you won't have the element of surprise
you might ordinarily, but you'll get to enjoy both the
little-sneaky-kid feeling of doing something special and the
wonderful feeling of being pampered. Bring your tray back to bed,
cuddle up under the blankets and watch cartoons while you
dine.
Be sure to get up early enough to get ready.
Remember, you're going out tonight! Groom yourself thoroughly —
brush, shave, pluck, tweeze, shape, wipe, whatever you'd do for
your hottest date. When you shower, however, take your time. Soap
yourself thoroughly, letting your hands roam over and down your
curves, no matter how many curves you have (or don't have). Close
your eyes and relish in your touch — let your slippery hands slide
along your throat, brush your nipples, glide down your stomach and
slip between your legs. Go ahead, lose yourself in the sensual,
well, y'know, sensations. Don't take yourself too far — you want to
heighten the anticipation, not lose it in the shower. Towel
yourself with the biggest, fluffiest towel you own and get ready
for work.
After making a few quick phone calls, head out to
the car and find the love note you left for yourself. Isn't that
sweet? Secret love notes can be left anywhere you're likely to find
them, whatever your personal circumstances — tucked into your car
visor, in your briefcase or lunchbox, tacked to your kitchen
bulletin board, stuffed into the top of your garter belt, maybe
slipped into a file you know your Chief of Staff will be handing
you later. Be creative.
At work, check your messages or voice-mail and smile
to yourself as you hear the message you left yourself an hour ago.
Gives you a warm feeling, doesn't it? Your secretary or the guys at
the plant may look at you funny, the jealous, small-minded fools,
but they'll really be surprised when the bouquet arrives. Don't let
anybody see the card (although you should chuckle to yourself as
you read it, and blush if you can. What a hot little number you
are!). Later in the afternoon, sneak off to the bathroom or lock
yourself in your office and allow yourself to think about what's to
come. Close your eyes and whisper gently into your ear (fake it,
c'mon, work with me here) all about what you want to do with
yourself later. Get good and worked up, then go back out amongst
your co-workers and try to hide your condition. Isn't it wicked
getting your lover worked up at work?
After work, head straight home. It's time to start
feeling sensual. Lay out your clothes so everything's ready, then
luxuriate in a long, hot bubble bath. You need to unwind and start
feeling like a lover. Pour in lots of bubble stuff — bath salts,
dishwashing detergent, those little soap ball things that are
supposed to dissolve but always leave little deflated skins
floating around in there with you — and just experience the moment.
Feel the heat of the water on your skin, and the sense of steam
rising past your face. Lather yourself completely and, still laying
in the hot water of the tub, pour bowls of cool water across
yourself. Let your hands roam a bit and see how close you can bring
yourself to climax without going over, then jump out of the tub and
get ready. Your fanciest outfit, jewelry, scent, the whole shebang.
Hurry, you've got reservations!
Well, reservation, anyway. When you show up at the
restaurant, explain to the maitrè de that your partner is an ER
nurse on call, but you expect them to show up any minute. This will
help keep your server from sniggering at you when they bring your
drinks. Make sure that you request a table by a window — they'll
think you're watching for your lover to show, when you're really
using the reflection to gaze into your own eyes. You'll even get
better service, as your server will feel sorry for you the more it
seems that you've been stranded. With a little luck you could even
get the waitresses to come line up and sing to you and bring one of
those little cakes. Get up to go to the bathroom, find a server
that hasn't seen you yet, and have a drink sent to your table. If
you're feeling exceptionally daring, head to the bathroom, take off
your underwear, stuff it in your pocket, and return to your seat to
enjoy the illicit sensations. Enjoy a fine meal, but take it easy
on the wine, you don't want to get out of control.
When you leave (tip well), don't go straight home.
The night is young! Take yourself on a carriage ride, stroll on the
beach holding hand, go to a horror movie and hug yourself during
the scary parts, play mini-golf and giggle when you catch yourself
cheating, pull yourself into a dark alley, slam yourself into the
wall and roughly thrust your hand down between your legs for the
fast, brutal thrill of it. Share an ice cream cone.
When you do head home, be coy. Smile knowingly when
you let yourself in and see the champagne and candles. Oho, what
did you have in mind? Stretch out on the couch and spend some time
talking to yourself. What are your true feelings? What do you want
from a lover? What turns you on? What fantasies do you have that
have never been fulfilled? As you get closer, touch yourself
lightly on the face and caress your throat. Open the top buttons of
your shirt, or slip a few fingers into your neckline. Feel the heat
of the room and the richness of the champagne as they both combine
to bring fire to your cheeks. Close your eyes and let your hands
wander as they will. When you've gone as far as you can with
clothes on and you're still thinking reasonably clearly, head to
the bedroom.
Light just enough candles to see and then drop onto
the bed, ready and eager. Strip your clothes off like an animal,
flinging them away without ever taking your eyes off yourself. Grab
yourself savagely, uncontrollably, undeniably. Ravish yourself
quickly and violently the first time, to satisfy the hungry
cravings that you've been cultivating all day. You can’t get enough
of your sweet ass, this is no time for gentle loving. Grab your
hair and pull your head down, if you're flexible enough. You can
sit on your hand for five minutes to deaden it if you want to feel
like someone else is touching you. Once you reach the ragged edge
of orgasm, hold yourself there for several long, agonizing minutes,
and then rake your fingernails across your nipples as you bring
yourself to a screaming finish. After your breathing becomes
regular again, you can continue to caress yourself the rest of the
night.
A few last-minute tips:
Be careful with your alcohol intake. Getting
yourself drunk is crude and disrespectful, and imagine how
embarrassed you’ll be if you can’t get yourself up! Also, the use
of date-rape drugs such as GHB or roofies to take advantage of
yourself sexually is reprehensible, as well as being somewhat
problematic. Should you wake up the next morning and you suspect
that you might have abused yourself, call the police immediately.
Don’t shower or bathe, no matter how much you feel you want to. Be
ready to give the police a good description of yourself. Have the
strength to stand up to attackers like yourself, it’s the only way
you’ll be able to get past this and move on with your life.
Even though the buildup is incredible and the entire
day tremendously romantic, don’t assume you’re going to “get
lucky.” You should never take yourself for granted like that, and
communication is the most important thing in your relationship with
yourself. Try to be sensitive to your feelings. You start acting
like you owe yourself sex and next thing you know you’re out on
your ass.
Don’t call your friends afterwards. It’s
understandable that after a night like that you’d want to brag, but
it’s just not polite, to yourself or to them. What are your friends
going to think of you if you violate your own privacy just so you
can boast that you got yourself off three times in a row?
Next morning, be sure to call yourself. It's the
least you can do.
-------------------------
Sex au
Jus
I met her by the rice pilaf sneeze guard.
She was ladling rice onto her plate while trying, unsuccessfully,
to balance a salad bowl in the crook of one elbow, so I reached
around and rescued the bowl. She was startled and burst into a
grateful smile, which dropped like a rock when she recognized me.
Ah, well. The smile had been worth it.
“Thanks, Robbie,” she said, looking down
again. I waited until she was finished scooping up mushrooms. She
took her time, obviously hoping I'd set the bowl down and leave,
but finally she took a deep breath and met my eyes.
“You're welcome,” I said. “C'mon, I'll help
you back to your table. Where you at?”
Her lips twisted, like she was swallowing
lime juice, and then she jerked her head towards the back, away
from the rest of our co-workers. I followed her to her table and
set the bowl down, then sat across from her. Before she could start
to complain or throw things I asked, “May I join you? If I go back
I have to pretend I haven't heard Jim's fishing story for the 50th
time.”