Be funny.
91% of the Playboy bunnies who wrote their own
data sheets included “sense of humor” in the turn-ons section, as
far as I can remember. Girls like to laugh, and they like people
who can make them laugh because they can relax around that kind of
guy, unless he gets laughs by, say, pulling household objects out
of his nose. A guy that can say just the right thing at just the
right time is obviously perceptive and sensitive enough to know
just how to touch her. Funny men make the best lovers.
Okay, granted, women prefer funny men who
are also drop-dead gorgeous. And yeah, it's really easy for funny
guys to fall into the “best friend I can tell anything to but would
never dream of having sex with” slot. I hated that slot. I lived in
that psychology torture chamber for 6 years. I always had lots of
close female friends, the ones that kept telling me “only you
really understand me” and then turn around and describe how they
blew some guy they just met last night, I just wanted to sneak up
behind her with a rope and…
Ha ha! Yes sir, a sense of humor is all you
really need. When she's laughing she's not affecting a worldly
pose, she's being human, and that's right where you want to get
your basic supermodel. Also, when things start getting really
intimate, you can't go wrong with a good hemorrhoid joke.
Turn her down first.
The novelty of it is sure to get her interested.
As soon as she's within earshot, like the other side of the bar or
just one balcony up, proclaim loudly that “No, I'm sorry Tyra, it
just wouldn't work out between us. We're too different, and as
exciting as you are I still want to see other people.” See the
tricky psychological twist in there? Now she'll go crazy wondering
why she's not good enough to hold your interest. At least I think
she will, haven't tried this yet. But it feels right. You should
probably also drink a lot.
Be gay.
Just think of the possibilities! She'll trust you. She'll
confide in you (see above). She'll undress in front of you. She'll
invite her friends over to try and convert you. My god, I can't
imagine why no one has thought of this before, it could
work!
Okay, she'll probably just marry you to
cover her own homosexuality from the paparazzi, but you'll still
probably get to see her naked, and that's more than you get now,
right?
Well, I've done all I can here. Next week
we'll go over your failures, and we'll discuss how to take the
easier step of converting your current old lady into a supermodel.
Hey, why buy the milk when you can put a dress on the cow, am I
right?
-------------------------
POV
The moon breathed bright blue light through
the lace curtains, light that caressed my skin with icy hot
fingers. I twirled once, twice, letting my light summer dress swirl
around my legs for Robert's enjoyment. Even though I didn't dare
look at him yet, still I could tell that I had captured his
complete attention. The evening had been more perfect than I had
dared hope for. Romantic music, elegant dining, a walk on the beach
trading ever more daring flirtations and caresses, and now I was
throwing caution to the wind and bringing him into my rooms where
the walls were suddenly far too close to contain our passions. His
eyes were glittering, shining in the night air, and I could feel
the intensity of his stare like a physical thing as it traveled,
slowly, across my body. He claimed me with his gaze, and I waited
trembling for him to take possession of his new prize.
***
This has to have been the dullest goddamn
night I've ever had, she has to fuck me now. Jesus God, please let
her fuck me now, maybe a little head action.
***
My breath caught in my throat when he took a
step towards me. In the theater and on the beach, he seemed a
virile but charming man. Here in this enclosed space he seems a
barely-controlled tiger, a powerful, caged animal eager to let his
hunger consume the both of us. I wonder if I'll be able to handle
that which I have called forth? He's taken only a single step;
could he possess that much steely control? For I could plainly see
the most visible evidence of his lust for me, pulsing beneath his
clothing, twitching promises and ecstasies. A wave of scarlet
emotion swept through me and I went to him, casting aside any
pretensions towards dignity or my ladylike demeanor.
***
Oh yeah, she wants it, she just scoped out
my dick. Don't want to look desperate; I'll let her come to me.
C'mere, you hot slut, c'mon and… no! No! Don't just stand there!
What the fuck is she doing?
***
I stopped before him, trembling. Our eyes
never left each other, even as my hands leapt to my breast and
began to tug at the buttons on my lavender lace blouse. The soft
cloth pulled deliciously across my drum-tight rosebud nipples and I
gasped as the chill night air touched my exposed skin. I had to
have him, had to have his fire, had to feel his touch, had to
surrender myself completely to his rampaging attack and pray that I
regained some small scrap of consciousness afterwards.
***
Goddamn, she has got the sweetest knockers!
Billy swore they were fake, ha! Sumbitch owes me $10 now. Let's
see, he'll probably be at the bowling alley by the time I get out
of here… Jesus, if I touch her I'm gonna pop, I know it. I'm
throbbing like a diesel rig. Baseball, baseball… Dream Team!
Starting pitcher… Koufax? Seaver? Maybe Palmer…
***
He stood there, dark and handsome, silently
daring me to come closer, making me come to him. His masterful
command of my emotions only increased my desire, and the courage of
my wanton act seemed almost childish in comparison. I could feel
the heat between my legs infusing my thighs with electric pulses of
energy, I could feel my very womb clutching in the maddening desire
to be filled. He remained stock still even as I put my arms around
his neck and cried out when the bristles of his chest hair brushed
across my tender, tightening nipples. I pressed myself to him,
pushing my body to mold to his hard contours, only thin layers of
cloth separating us from our rapturous bliss.
***
CATCHER! Ivan Rodriquez! Um… shortstop… oh,
fuck it. I grab her and start kissing her hard, shoving my tongue
into her mouth like there was beer in there. Grabbed a big round
funbag in each hand, did a little hip-thrusting move into her cooze
and started laying the moves on her. Chicks dig it if you
tongue-kiss for at least 15 seconds before you go for her twat,
shows you're sensitive and shit. Six-one-thousand,
seven-one-thousand. . .
***
His muscular tongue thrust itself down into
my willing mouth, quickly overpowering me and laying to waste my
last few lingering thoughts of resistance. I felt my breath leave
my body as I clung to him, cradled in his steel-cabled arms and
fighting to return passion to match his own. Just when I thought I
might be able to simmer my boiling blood and allow thought to guide
my actions, he pulled away from me with the timing of a bullfighter
and thrust his hand into my skirt, completely taking me by surprise
with his audacity and nerve. His thick fingers flexed between my
legs, darting here and there in a maddening, unpredictable
whirlwind that nearly caused me to swoon with delight. Helpless
with the sensations, I tried to thrust against his fingers but I
could not match his movements or find his rhythm and the efforts
left me breathless and aroused beyond belief.
***
Where is the goddamn thing? Is that…? No,
that can't be… I think that's a mole, but… son-of-a… just rub,
dammit, you'll hit it sooner or later.
***
My arms fell to my sides as I collapsed
against him. No worry of falling; he held me easily, one arm around
my shoulders and one hand alternately caressing and stroking the
very spark of my fire. Not content to pluck the strings of my
fleshy lute, his hand roamed where it would, exploring my deepest
secrets as no man ever had. I felt as if I were a doll, picked up
and pleasured by a giant as I rode on his hand.
***
Christ, she weighs a ton! I work the button
and get her good and wet 'til she's begging for it, and then drop
her on the bed so I can get my pants off. Oh, yeah, this is gonna
be good!
***
My giant released me to fall from the
heavens to bounce on a cloud, and he stood over me like a gathering
storm, preparing to drench me, buffet me and strike me with
lightning, again and again. I laid myself open to him, with no more
control over my fate than over the sky itself.
***
That oughta be enough, she's dripping. I
yank my belt open and drop trou. There he is, my best buddy. Nine
solid inches of manmeat and it's all ready for her. I stand there
with my hands on my hips and wait for her to start gobbling.
***
He revealed himself with a flourish and my
last bit of resistance melted away. I don't flatter myself that I
am irresistible, but what other man on this earth could remain
flaccid in this situation? His love and his respect for me were
made manifest by his simple demonstration of vulnerability and
trust. Where I had been nervous before, now I was completely at my
ease and my feelings of wantonness returned; reaching up, I touched
his member hesitantly, like stroking a baby bird. Like that bird it
stirred beneath my touch and so I laid it on my palm and kissed it,
lightly, as it began to stretch and rise to greet me.
***
She gulps me with no problem at all, somehow
working my massive cock all the way into her mouth until her nose
hits hair. I let my hands drop to my sides and just pump back and
forth into her soft, wet, hungry mouth until I can barely see
straight. She wants my spooge, I can tell, I just hope I can keep
it from blasting ‘til I can get some puss. God, this is so
great…
***
What a wonderful present he gave me! Just
when I was mentally preparing myself for ravishment, he puts me in
control and at ease, and so naturally I became even more lascivious
and hungry for him. He looked down at my ministrations with a calm
smile, and I ached to force a passionate response from him. I
wrapped my hand around my new toy and stroked from the base to the
tip in long, even strokes while looking him straight in the eye. He
closed his eyes for a moment and gasped, and suddenly my fingers
were forced apart, struggling to touch each other around the hard
velvety shaft as it grew with every throb. It was a mighty beast,
proud and firm, with a thick mushroom head and velvety skin
stretched tight over a taut muscle. He stood perfectly still as I
ran my hands back and forth across him, exploring his every hidden
pleasure and crevice until there was no part of him that was
unfamiliar to me. By now the cicada cry of my womanhood was buzzing
for attention, surely he could hear it? I could hear nothing else.
Surely he would take pity on me and grant me my deepest
desire?
***
Just before I lose it and blow all over her
face, I pull her off me and push her back to the bed. She spread
herself with her fingers, begging for it, but I had other ideas in
mind. I knew what would drive her wild, cuz of what Jimmy told me
his brother told him, and I needed a minute to throttle back before
I blew a load over her sheets. I grin at her and plant my face
right into her muff.
***
God help me, I was undone! When he eased me
gently back amongst the sheets I closed my eyes and tried to
prepare myself for his rough entry, but he surprised me once again.
My demon lover's tongue struck like snakebite on my most private
places, leaping here and there before his mouth opened and he all
but devoured me. I writhed and tossed my head back and forth as his
ravenous mouth took me in entire, and a small voice in my drowning
consciousness feared he would not stop until I died, while the rest
of me feared he would.
***
I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I
know I lick this part, I think, but am I supposed to stick my
tongue in here or what? She's no help; she jumps around no matter
what I do. God my neck is getting sore. How long do I have to do
this before I can stop without her getting mad? I need to talk to
Jimmy some more… Okay, thirty more seconds and then I fuck her
before my tongue falls off. One-one thousand, two-one
thousand…
***
Mindless and animal, I rode his powerful jaw
and danced on the tip of his tongue until the surges nearly
overcame me. Again and again he brought me to the very brink of
ecstasy, always stopping with the precision of a master musician. I
was breathless and shaking when he sensed that I was nearly dead
from pleasure, and he moved up to rise over me. Oh, has there ever
been a greater moment in my life, when my one true love looked down
upon my naked form and found me fair? For I could see the fires in
his eyes, banked but not cooled, and I ached to draw out that flame
and blend it with my own. He entered me then, without warning or
preamble, and made me his forever. But again he surprised me,
because after his single masterful thrust he stopped, filling me
utterly, and kissed me with infinite gentleness. It was as if he
wanted my body to know that it was forever his, the attitude of a
man entering his house for the first time. I was possessed.