LUCAS:
I am not!
[JACKSON comes running up and stops on the
other side of the elegantly manicured bushes next to the
restaurant. He is breathing heavily and seems to have a stitch in
his side, but at the first sight of JACQUI he drops immediately
into a crouch and peers at her through the branches.]
JACQUI:
(to BILL)
Anyway, thanks a lot. Here
you go. What's this on your clipboard, anyway?
[BILL tries to hide the paper — JACQUI's
itinerary, on “Clitoris Hunter” stationery — from her and a brief
struggle ensues. Meanwhile, JACKSON skulks around the car and eases
forward, step by step. The background music turns dramatic. A small
crowd begins to form on the sidewalk around them.]
JACKSON:
(voiceover)
I saw my
chance. While her attention was on my assistant and their sissy
fight, I worked my way around her. I remained downwind at all
times, as ingénues have an incredible sense of smell, plus I had to
avoid the direct gaze of her mate. I knew I had to time it just
right…
[With a triumphant cry JACQUI wrests the
clipboard away from BILL and turns to show it to LUCAS. With the
speed of a jungle cat JACKSON sprints forward around her other side
and thrusts his arm down JACQUI'S stretch pants.]
JACQUI:
Hey! What the hell are you… whoa!
JACKSON:
(voiceover)
I was
fortunate in that she was wearing Lycra, which has an easy give so
that I could get in there before she had time to react. If you'll
remember, last week's target was wearing Faded Glory jeans which
made my job that much tougher.
LUCAS:
What the fuck are you doing to her, man? Goddamn pervert, get
off…
(he moves to manhandle JACKSON
away)
JACQUI:
Whoo! Oh god, god!
JACKSON:
Easy mate, I'm Jim Jackson.
[LUCAS changes expression instantly.]
LUCAS:
Wow, the clitoris hunter? Aw, man, I watch you every fucking
week, man!
(he starts looking around for
the camera and finds it, grins widely)
Yeah!
(he flashes a double thumbs
up)
[Meanwhile, JACQUI is twisting happily
around JACKSON'S arm. JACKSON has a grim, determined look on his
face. BILL works around him with the hand Arriflex, getting
close-ups.]
JACKSON:
Now, the… unh… celebrity clitoris is a different
beastie from our usual prey. It can be easy to find, like with your
Angelina Jolies, your Drew Barrymores and your Judi Denches, or it
can be a hidden thing like with your Sandra Bullocks or your
Hillary… almost… ha! There she is!
[JACQUI shrieks once and wraps herself
tightly around JACKSON, who gently pries her off and, never losing
his grip, uses his other hand to carefully spread her across the
hood. JACKSON is sweating now, but his self-confidence is apparent
as he takes out his hunting knife and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y cuts around
his hand until he can lift the piece of fabric away to expose
JACQUI'S entire groin. His right hand never stops stroking, and he
uses his left to delicately spread her sweet flesh to reveal his
right forefinger squarely on the ridge of JACQUI'S clitoris. LUCAS
and the crowd gather around.]
JACKSON:
Isn't she a beauty? It is truly amazing that such
a common creature is so incredibly difficult to find, but it takes
years of training and practice, as well as a certain natural
cunning.
LUCAS:
(looking close)
Wow. So that's what it
looks like.
JACQUI:
Yeah, right there, right FUCKING THERE, yeah, yeah…
JACKSON:
Now she's a shy beastie, and likes to hide under
her little hood, but let's just see if I can coax her out, shall
we?
[He drops his face down between her legs,
and she convulses once before flinging her arms wide and grabbing
the gull-wing mirrors for support.]
BILL:
What Jim is doing now is soothing the clitoris with his own
tongue, hoping to relax it enough so that it trusts him and is
comfortable with its surroundings. He's very good at it.
LUCAS:
I'll say.
JACQUI:
Jesus! Fucker! Jesus! Fucker!
[Around them the crowd begins to applaud; a
few take pictures. From behind JACKSON can be seen pulling his head
back and forth, darting here and there almost too quickly to be
seen. His hands are deft and sure. BILL steps up with a Jim Jackson
brand neckerchief and JACKSON wipes his face. JACQUI'S clitoris is
extremely visible now, and we switch to BILL'S handheld camera for
a closer look.]
JACKSON:
(voiceover)
See that
pulsing bit, that's the clitoral glans, at the end of the shaft.
(On the screen a small arrow appears, pointing as JACKSON speaks)
These lips here, these are the… hold still girl, that's the way…
thems the crura. Very sensitive they are, all by
themselves.
LUCAS:
(voiceover)
Right there?
JACKSON:
(voiceover)
No mate,
that's the labia majora. Easy mistake, they tend to run together,
but an experienced guide knows. Ah, she's latherin'. Better back
up, this could get nasty.
[We're away from the close-up and the crowd
and LUCAS are being gently but firmly moved back by BILL.]
LUCAS:
What's he gonna do now? Is he…?
BILL:
Yes, Jim is a true sportsman, and doesn't believe in
unnecessary cruelty. He only hunts what he is prepared to
eat.
JACQUI:
YES! YES! Lick it lick it lick it lick it lick it lick it lick
it lick it suck it YES! AHHHH! AHHHH! AHHHH!
BILL:
Well, that's all for tonight's “Jim Jackson, Clitoris Hunter.”
Thanks for watching.
[Theme song plays, credits roll over
slow-motion shots of JACKSON licking long and hard, JACQUI twisting
the car's windshield wipers into knots, and LUCAS beaming
excitedly.]
-------------------------
MOOP BEEP
BEEP, My Baby
== (click) Hi! Thanks for calling Sassy
Jessie's Automated Sex Line, the hottest, sexiest phone sex line
around! This is Jessie, and I am soooo glad you called me. I just
got out of the shower and ran to the phone, and I'm dripping all
over the place. Do you like watching me drip? ==
“Oh, hell yeah, baby, I'm gonna—”
== I need your credit card number, honey.
Let's get that out of the way so we can get on with it, I need you
so bad. Just enter the number and the expiration date on your
phone, and press the pound sign when you're done. Oh, hurry,
please! ==
“Damn, damn…” BEEP MOOP BEEP BEEP, MOOP MOOP
BOOP MOOP, MOOP BEEP BEEP BOOP, BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP. BOOP.
== Ooh, I love the way you did that, you're
so forceful, and so good with your finger! What's your name, lover?
==
“Uh, it's Johnny.”
== Oh, I love that name! It's so easy to
scream! Would you like to fuck me, [JOHNNY]? ==
“Yes! God, yes!”
== How do you want me? ==
“I'm gonna grab you and—”
== Just press 1 for straight sex, 2 for
rough sex, 3 for S&M, and 4 for more choices, or press 9 to
hear the list again. Hurry, baby! ==
“Shit, um…” BEEP
== I like a man who knows what he wants! Are
you hard, [JOHNNY]? ==
“Oh, yeah.”
== Can you see me here, standing naked in
front of you? Water is dripping from my long, blonde hair and
running down over my face, between my lips, down my slender throat,
and cascading over my breasts. They're awfully big, aren't they?
Here, let me hold them up for you. Mmmmm. Do you think they're too
big, [JOHNNY]? ==
“No way! Damn, I'd like to take them and
lick—”
== That's so sweet! I like them too, they're
so much fun to squeeze and my nipples get so hard! You can play
with them if I can play with your cock. Can I see your cock,
[JOHNNY]? Can I see how big I made you? ==
“Oh, yeah. Just hang on… there.”
== Oh, god, it's sooo big and sooo hard! I'm
aching to feel that way up in me, JOHNNY! Can I suck on you,
[JOHNNY]? Can I kneel in front of you and suck you right down my
throat? Just say “yes,” “no,” or “operator,” now. ==
“Yes! Yes! Hurry…”
== (click) We’re sorry, all our operatives
are currently busy with other calls, but your call is important to
us. ==
“What the goddamn fuck!”
== Please hold on. (click) “. . . —ean, oh
what can it mean, to a, daydream believer, and the, homecoming
queeeeeen! Cheer up…” ==
“Fuck!”
== (click) How dare you touch yourself
without permission! You slimy little worm! ==
“What?”
== I'm going to ram this staff so far up
your pasty ass you'll remember me every time you swallow! Come here
and lick my heels, now! ==
“Who the hell—”
== Are you going to kneel before me, insect?
Press 1 for “yes,” or 2 for “no,” now! ==
“Operator! Operator! Shit, maybe 9…”
MEEP.
== (click) I like a man who knows what he
wants! Are you hard, [JOHNNY]? ==
“Well, not really—”
== Can you see me here, standing naked in
front of you? Water is dripping from my long, blonde hair and
running down… ==
“Dammit, I'm paying by the minute for this!
Maybe 9 again…” MEEP.
== (click) Hey, little fella! ==
“Oh, hi, um, are you the manager? 'Cause I
think I—”
== That's a right nice-sized unit you got
there, [JOHNNY], looks to be about as big as mine! Let me haul mine
out and we'll put 'em side by side and compare! ==
“Jesus, where did I—”
== Here, I'll give mine a little stroke and
you do the same over there, where I can see you. Do you like
watching me stroke myself? You like watching my balls bounce when I
do it? ==
“NO! Where the hell is Jessie?”
== I thought you did, I can see you getting
even harder and thicker, just like I like. You ever had any sailor
ass, [JOHNNY]. If you ain't had sailor ass, you ain't never had
ass, and I got a tight one all ready for you. Would you like that?
Just say “yes,” “no,” or “operator,” now. ==
“NO!! JESUS!!”
== (click) I like a man who knows what he
wants! Are you hard, [JOHNNY]? ==
“Goddamit…” MEEP.
== Oooh, [JOHNNY], stick it way up my cunt,
agh! It's so big, and it's so good! ==
“What the fuck? Did we skip—”
== I'm gonna come! I'm gonna come! Can I
come now, [JOHNNY]? Are you ready to come with me? Press 1 for
“yes,” or 2 for “no!” ==
MEEP!
== (click) Woof! Woof! Hey, looks like Rex
really likes you, [JOHNNY]. I'll tell you a secret; Rex is a very
special dog. If you spread just a little peanut butter all over
your—” ==
“SHIT!” MEEP! MEEP! BEEP BEEPITY BEEP BOOP
BEEP!”C'mon, c'mon…
== Ohhhh, [JOHNNY], that was so good. Oh
god, I have never come that hard, ever! God, [JOHNNY], you're an
animal! ==
“But I—”
== You have got to come back tomorrow night,
if I don't get that again I'll just die! Will you come back?
Please? ==
“Well, I didn't—”
== Oh, you have to! I'll make it so good for
you, like you made it so good for me. Please come back, [JOHNNY]!
==
“Yeah, I guess I could—”
== (click) Thank you so much for calling
Sassy Jessie's Automated Sex Line, the hottest, sexiest phone sex
line around. Your call may have been monitored for training
purposes. Good night, and I hope we hear from you again real soon!
==
-------------------------
6 Nights of
CRRRRRRAPPY Sex
So, you've mastered the Art of Love. You are
inhumanly aware of your lover's erogenous zones, personal
preferences, and secret desires, and you know unerringly when to be
sweet and gentle and when to get rough. Every sex act, no matter
how quick or spontaneous, ends in soul-satisfying simultaneous
orgasms, and you are both capable of holding each other on the
ragged edge of sweet release for hours at a time until you can time
your explosions with the slow rising of the sun.
So why are you getting bored?
Simple, really — you need contrast. How can
you really enjoy the heights of sensual mastery if you never have a
bad fuck anymore? You can't truly appreciate the hard-earned
mastery of your own body if there's no chance of losing it thirty
seconds after you unzip.