But how can you relive those feelings of
helpless fury, lack of communication, and determined impotence?
We're here to help. What follows is a list of suggestions for you
and yours to add to your godlike sex life as an occasional reality
check. Just rip each one from your monitor and follow the
instructions.
Ancestor Worship
It is an age-old guideline that if you want
to see what your wife will be like as she ages, you have only to
look towards her mother. Now's your chance to show your lady that
you'll still be deeply in love and lust with her in her declining
years by spending the day emphasizing how attractive you find her
mom. Discuss her probable future appearance (“Honey, I just love
those crows-feet you're getting! Rowff!”) and make sure she knows
that you don't care what gravity is doing to her.
At the end of the evening, surprise her by
ducking into the bathroom and allowing her to see the sexy outfit
you've laid out for her: purple jogging pants, an oversized
Garfield sweatshirt, support hose, a pair of those nurse sneakers,
and a shawl. Make sure you call out her mom's name a few times,
too. Just think how relaxed and flattered she'll be!
Ingredients: old lady clothes, old lady
shoes, Vick's. Vapor Rub
Hail, Hail, the Gang Was All Here
You know what your husband likes, and you
know how he likes it. But do you know what one of the best parts of
his sex life is, the part he doesn't share with you?
Telling his friends about it. Nailing a
righteous babe like you, over and over again, just isn't complete
unless he can lord it over all his buddies. You wouldn't believe
the sheer pleasure he gets from being the absolute center of
attention when all of his drunken friends hang on his every word as
he describes exactly what you do under the sheets. And you can
help! What better way to prove your husband's manliness than by
showing all his friends exactly how lucky he is? Fuck 'em all!
Pick a day when you know
he'll be out until evening, and then invite all his friends, one by
one or in groups, to come sample what he's been tapping. Just
imagine how envious his friends will be, knowing that your man can
get what they're getting
any time he
wants
!
That night, you can whisper to your man how
much luckier he is than all of his friends, or at least all the
ones you could reach. He'll be bursting with pride!
Ingredients: a buncha guys, a few more, one
of those “Take A Number” machines, a lot of beer, and one last guy,
for luck.
Simultaneous Submission
Has your lady been dropping some interesting
hints recently? One of the most compelling hidden fantasies is to
be completely helpless and at the mercy of another for your sexual
gratification, and this is a wonderful gift to present to your
lover. But make it a surprise — some simple, fast-closing
restraints can be purchased at any good sex shop or sub-code
sanitarium, and you can attach them to the corners of the bed under
the covers. Romance her all evening, seduce her into the bedroom as
only you can, and lay her back amidst the sheets. Then, while she
stretches languorously, swiftly snap the restraints around her
wrists and ankles before she can react. As you stand away from the
bed, I guarantee you'll see the light of passion burning in her
eyes as she tests the restraints one by one and smiles an
anticipatory smile at you.
Disrobe, slowly, letting her fires build,
and then quickly rush over to the closet doorway where you've
attached four more restraints. Snap yourself in before you can
react and then pull tightly until you can't reach to release
yourself. Now you're both ready to enjoy the hot, pulsating
explosion of complete submission.
Ingredients: A nice dinner, some mood
music, eight scary-looking leather restraints, and an understanding
neighbor within screaming range.
Tools of Power
Ever see that scene
in
9 1/2 Weeks
where Mickey Rourke blindfolds Kim Basinger and then feeds her
right out of the refrigerator, not only exciting her but arousing
every single woman in the theater? Why should your man miss out on
this?
However, most guys don't react as strongly
to the sensual possibilities of food (although they do like
watching you eat an ice cream cone), so you need to take them
somewhere where they can feel comfortable in their surroundings as
you startle and tease them with unexpected sensations.
The garage.
Blindfold him slowly and tightly, making
sure he can't see, and kiss him lightly on the lips. Take his hand
and run it quickly and lightly over your own body to get his
interest, and then lead him into the garage. The familiar scent of
grease, hot metal, and kitty litter should inflame his senses. Take
his clothes off, letting your hands tease him here and there, and
then sit him down in front of the water heater. Now tantalize him
with the sensual touch of everything on the garage shelves until he
can't take any more! Pipe wrenches tighten deliciously, belt
sanders provide lip-biting friction, the claw-end of a hammer
offers some intriguing possibilities, duct tape can keep him where
you want him, and you'll be amazed what a simple Black and Decker
electric screwdriver can do to that bundle of sensitive nerve
tissue, the prostate. Keep some kerosene handy for cleaning up
afterwards.
Ingredients: everything in the toolbox, an
entire Sears Craftsman socket set, a wood vise, and the gallon size
jug of WD-40. Yeah, baby!
My Little Hooker
Roleplaying is a great way to liven up your
sex life, it says so in all the manuals. Wouldn't you like to enjoy
that heady thrill of picking up a strange woman for some no-frills,
no-commitment, no-last-names fun? I'll bet if you asked, your
ladyfriend might be more interested than you'd think. She'll have
the excitement of being a mysterious lady of the evening, someone
so sexy that men would pay anything for her, and in a perfectly
safe situation. Let your imaginations soar!
Prepare yourselves separately and arrange to
meet at a bar across town. Enter the room casually and order a
drink, then look around and check out the merchandise. Hey, who's
that ravishing creature over there? Think she might be
interested?
Flirt with each other at the bar and then
escort her out to your car. You might be surprised how forward she
is in the car. Drive her to a motel, sign in under a fake name
while she watches and then carry her and the booze over the
threshold. Do you notice the new edge to her arousal? Can you tell
that pretending to be a wanton is just what she's been
wanting?
Once inside, close the door and lock it.
Gulp down half the booze in one shot and then grab her by the hair.
Rush her through a cold and heartless sex act, ideally one she
won't usually do, and remind her constantly that you're paying for
this. Now it's time to break out the heroin!
Ingredients: one cocktail dress, a pair of
stiletto pumps, 3 cans of hair spray, some quarters for the condom
machine, and a fistful of crumpled twenties.
9-1-Wonderful!
A quick and easy one. Want to make your man
feel strong, animalistic, and brutal? Today's society prefers men
to be gentle, sensitive, and calm, forcing your guy to constantly
fight against hundreds of thousands of years of conditioning.
Wouldn't it be liberating to let his inner beast out, just
once?
Help him realize his secret, unrealized
fantasies of rape and sheer, overpowering, atavistic he-man
behavior by playing it to the hilt. As soon as he walks in the door
tonight, scream as loud as you can, claw him across the face, and
run into the bedroom. Slam the door, draw the children close to you
and call the police. If he gets in, make him fight for every
pleasure. Throw all the fixtures at him, kick him in the goolies,
and above all, never stop screaming. He'll get an incredible rush
of alpha-male dominance, briefly, until help arrives.
Ingredients: good lungs, pepper gas, a
phone with speed-dial, and bail.
-------------------------
Do You Want
to Play “Questions?”
“Hey?”
“Hmmm?”
“You awake?”
“Why? What's up?”
“Would you like to make love?”
“Think you can compete with my dream?”
“Who's my competition?”
“Can you beat Mel Gibson?”
“Patriot Mel or Lethal Weapon Mel?”
“Would you believe Chicken Run Mel?”
“Mind if I try?”
“What did you have in mind?”
“Shall we see what develops?”
“What's that developing down by my
leg?”
“How'd that get there?”
“Does it bite?”
“Why don't you see?”
“Is it safe?”
“Are you scared?”
“Are you kidding?”
“Hey. what's this?”
“Ooh, what are you doing?”
“You like this?”
“Can't you tell?”
“What's this little button for?”
“Ahhh, what if I do this?”
“Ummm, you want me to lose it right
here?”
“Can't last the whole ride?”
“Are you impugning my manhood?”
“Are you gonna use it or what?”
“Can you move your leg over a bit?”
“Think you can find it, hero?”
“Ah, think you can ?”
“Is it in yet?”
“Doesn't it hurt, having your pelvis
dislocated like that?”
“Would you wake me when you start, so I
don't miss anything?”
“Think you'll notice
this
?”
“Whoo, who kicked you in the ass?”
“You gonna move or what?”
“Sure you don't mind it being pinched in
half, mmmm?”
“Wouldn't you be disappointed if I was left
with only twice… ooh… the normal equipment?”
“Getting modest on me… eee… EEE?”
“Gonna be my little puppy and turn
over?”
“Why, afraid I'll see you sweat?”
“Can't take the thunder?”
“There, you like me like this?”
“God, has there ever been a more perfect
ass?”
“Oh, you gonna be nice back there?”
“Ummm, you mind if I get some EXercise
in?”
“AGH, you tryin' to split me?”
“Who's your daddy?”
“Wha… ha ha ha ha, are you serious?”
“Should I use a deeper voice?”
“Could you just fuck me, please?”
“How could I re… oh, jeez, what are you
doing?”
“UNH, UMM, wanna UNH race?”
“Ah, you want… AH… me to lose it?”
“AAAAHHHH, are you ready?”
“Are you? Aieee eee eee, are you?”
“AH, GOD?”
“BABEEEEEE?”
“Did you come?”
-------------------------
Happy
Fucking Easter
The alarm began blaring, on schedule, at 6
friggin' o'clock in the morning. The fact that I was the one who
had set it in the first place still didn't keep me from snarling
and swiping it to the ground with my massive forearm before
crawling back into my cave and…
…and sighing and rolling over and waking
Kelly up, dammit. “Hey hon, time to get up.”
“Wha? I'm still s'eepin', go 'way. I'ma kill
yu.” Kelly isn't a morning person, either.
“We gotta get the Easter baskets out before
the kids get up. C'mon, you were the one who didn't want to stay up
last night. Move it, Easter bunny.”
She sat up groggily and held her head in her
hands. “Yeah, yeah. Hippity hoppity.”
We pulled ourselves together just enough to
pretend we were awake, got up and somehow managed to stumble around
and locate all the Easter crap we had hidden in various hidden
caches around the house. I did catch her grabbing a quick nap in
the hall closet, but one poke in a soft spot and she was moving
again. We had gone to great lengths to stash everything as
carefully as possible, so the odds were good that at least a third
of it would be a complete surprise to the kids. Kelly, wrapped in a
terry cloth robe, staggered downstairs with plastic baskets and
plastic bags full of assorted plastic goop and headed off to turn
them into pleasing arrangements of holiday joy, while I was
assigned the task of sneaking out to the front yard and raiding the
trunks of the cars for more hidden loot. I came out ahead of the
game — I just suffered cold wet feet, but she had to actually start
thinking.
Or perhaps not. I suspect that had I seen
her creations at any other time besides the rosy dawn I would have
shrieked and tried to hit them with a stick. There on the kitchen
table were three brightly colored baskets, stuffed unevenly with
unnaturally bright green grass and filled with candy that had
rather obviously been dumped straight out of a bag. She had missed
a few times, and she had missed the entire table at least once.
However, since I hadn't had to make them, I thought the baskets
were the most beautiful things I had ever seen in my life. We
scattered some toys about, left some new church clothes nearby
where they wouldn't get trampled, and I made a half-hearted attempt
to prop up the Easter cards my mom sent. Kelly grabbed the last bag
of candy, plopped onto the couch and pronounced us done.
“Happy Easter, you wild bunny, you,” I said.
I sat down next to her and carefully rammed a humorous pair of
bunny-ears-on-a-hair-barrette on her head. She gave me a withering
look. Oddly, the ears helped.
She pulled a fuzzy ear tip down where she
could peer at it. “How exactly did the manifestation of the central
event of Christianity result, through the centuries, in me wearing
these goddamn ears and setting out huge heaping buckets of
chocolate?”