Masturbation
- What's your earliest memory of masturbating
(consciously engaging in sexual self-stimulation)?
I vaguely remember rubbing up against the portion of
the womb where the placenta was attached, because I could get a
better friction there, but I can't recall anything really concrete
until my circumcision. Boy, was that a pain. I had to wait until
almost half an hour afterwards.
- Describe your most memorable masturbation
experiences.
I managed to ejaculate on each and
every one of the attractions in Walt Disney World in one wild
afternoon (except for “It's a Small World,” because I've never been
able to successfully whack it when thousands of children are
singing at me). I was ready for some lunch after that, I can tell
you.
Coming of Age
- When did you start having sex with a partner, and
what were these early experiences like?
By partner, do you mean someone non-related? Then it
would have been when I was 15. We were just learning about each
other, timid and giggly, but we learned fast and the passion built
up inside. In the end it took 17 Federal Marshals to bring us down
on that foggy December night.
- What specific resources did you find most useful in
learning about sex and sexual technique (books, parents, partners,
sex ed class)?
Flash cards, inspirational posters, and by
swallowing the semen of more experienced scouts and ingesting their
RNA.
- What were the most positive and most negative
messages you received when learning about sex?
Most positive messages: keep licking until she's
unconscious, sex is the most fulfilling and beautiful think you'll
ever order, and the less experienced the woman the less likely
she'll know what a penis is supposed to look like. Negative
messages: not in the sink, never defile anyone whose name appears
on your paycheck, and having a woman crap on your chest isn't
nearly as much fun as it sounds.
Sex Play
- What are your favorite sexual activities that don't
involve penetration? (massage, oral sex, mutual masturbation,
etc.)
Chartered accountancy. No wait,
that involves penetration. I enjoy coating myself in a thin film of
30 weight motor oil and standing naked by the road where passing
motorists can slap my penis at 35 to 40 mph. I read about it
in
Readers Digest
.
- What types of online sexual entertainment or
communication do you enjoy? (cybersex, chat, reading/writing
erotica, etc.)
Asking Jeeves dirty questions. Reloading the
excite.com home page over and over and over. Getting into a wild
sex chat with Eliza.
- Please describe your experiences with sexual power
play.
I tried to dominate and utterly humiliate a woman
once, breaking her spirit and bonding her obedience to me forever,
but she was on a different bus and didn't see me.
Penetration
- Please describe what types of vaginal and/or anal
penetration (fingers, fist, penis, dildo, plug, vibrator, anal
beads, etc.) you particularly enjoy.
Fingers, at least 12. An entire George Foreman
grill, with burgers. A small micro cassette recorder, so I can play
tapes of Sousa marches on it and confound passersby. A souvenir
Statue of Liberty model, life size, with tourists. Oh yeah, and
Batman.
- What are your favorite positions for
penetration?
On my back, held aloft by six young maidens of
virtue pure. Or doggie style, whatever works.
- Do you use lubricant; why or why not? If you do,
what type do you prefer?
Hell yes, otherwise she'd get a good look at my
actual penis. I use whale fat, because the dogs just won't stop
licking it.
Sex Toys
- Please describe your most enjoyable, amusing and/or
disappointing experience with a sex toy.
That would be the Bellows Incident, and I am
forbidden by my vows to speak of it.
- What sex toys do you wish existed?
A blowup doll the size of a Macy's Day Parade float,
just so I can watch it float down 5th Avenue, deep-throating
lampposts and hapless drum majors.
Fantasies
- Please describe your (current) favorite
fantasy.
I did dream that seven cows, fat-fleshed and well
favoured, were standing in a meadow. And, behold, seven other cows
came up after them, poor and very ill favoured and leanfleshed,
such as I never saw in all the land of Egypt for badness. And the
lean and the ill favoured cows did eat up the first seven fat cows.
And then they all screwed.
- Have you identified certain recurring themes in
your fantasies, or have your fantasies changed over your
lifetime?
Hot dog buns are invariably involved, as are washing
machine filters and blonde customs officials (has to be blonde).
Oh, and lots of blowjobs. And Batman.
- What specific books, magazines or videos reliably
fuel your fantasies?
Small Farm Today
, and the movie
Unforgiven
.
Communication
- What have been some of the most difficult subjects
to raise with a sexual partner?
My growing attraction for her best friend, her
younger sister, and her mom (woo!), my intricate series of
supportive undergarments, and my desire for her to lie there
perfectly still and pretend that she's just been exhumed.
- What techniques have you found to be most (and
least) successful in discussing sex with a partner?
I find that imprisoning a lover
into a dark, soundproofed room and withholding food and water for a
few days makes one surprisingly eager and accepting of just about
any sexual act, no matter how depraved or sickening, as long as she
gives me a blessed drink of… I mean, as long as
one
gives one’s
lover
a drink of water and maybe a
ham sandwich.
Safer Sex
Please describe your experience
with safer sex accessories (condoms, dams, gloves, saran wrap,
etc.). If you do not practice safer sex, please tell us why you
don't.
I find that by dipping my genitals in plaster I can
avoid all but the most stubborn pathogens. For my lovers, I insist
on using dental dams constructed of boiled leather and brass,
strong enough to turn a sword thrust. What is lost in sensation is
more than made up for in peace of mind. I don't use gloves though,
that's going too far.
How has your attitude about safer
sex changed (or not) over your lifetime?
Where I used to merrily copulate with everyone I met
in the clinic, now I have become terrified of random airborne STDs
and wear a deep-sea diver's suit at all times.
Miscellaneous
Is there any other specific
question or issue you'd like us to address?
I think it's be really interesting if you asked a
lot of women how discriminating they are, how easy it is to seduce
them (with sure fire examples), and what their home phones numbers
and evenings schedules are.
- If you've already read The Good Vibrations Guide to
Sex, what comments and/or feedback do you have for us?
Did you guys really try all that stuff? Even the
icky stuff? I mean, ewww.
Remember, head to www.goodvibes.com and give 'em
your own, hopefully more useful answers. There are lots of people
in the world that will get their sexual information from the
answers you provide, and if that doesn't scare the bejesus out of
you nothing will.
Note: the survey is, sadly,
completed, but you should pick up
The Good
Vibrations Guide to Sex
anyway and see what
we’ve wrought.
(Survey questions reprinted from
The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex by Anne Semans and Cathy Winks,
copyright 2002, with permission of Cleis Press)
-------------------------
My New
Year's Resolutions
We got past another one. Another holiday
filled with rampant consumerism, family squabbles, gift imbalances,
too much food, too many last-minute K-Mart presents, and a happy
yet vaguely disappointed feeling. No wonder I love it.
And now we're just in time for another
man-made festive occasion: New Year's! Unless of course you're
Jewish, Moslem, Hindu, Chinese, or a member of any of the other
minorities that make up a majority of the people on the earth, and
apparently they don't count.
This is the time of year when we think
fondly back on all the things we've accomplished over the last
year, have a drink, and then solemnly vow to never do any of them
ever again. Usually the way it works is that you have some vague
ideas about stuff you should do better. Then you wake up on New
Year's afternoon in a puddle of what you really, really hope is
your own vomit, and you are convinced to the sticky bottom of your
soul that you have to hurry up and be a better person or else God
will get you for what you think you did last night, so you'd better
do some pushups or something. Self-help motivation is a wonderful
thing. Ready? Let's begin.
* I resolve to stop treating women like
pieces of meat without feelings or aspirations or hopes or dreams,
because when I do that they get all pissy and won't let me stick my
hand in their shirts.
* I resolve to ease up on using the left
hand all the time. This is the year for Mr. Righty!
* I resolve to never try to use transmission
fluid that way again, no matter how dire the need.
* I resolve to do my very best to avoid
resting my testicles on a radiator.
* I resolve to never again fire live rounds
at anyone that hasn't specifically asked me to.
* I resolve to do my very best to avoid
resting my testicles on a Shriner.
* I resolve to go to the gym at least three
days a week, or however often the blonde in the Nike shorts and the
not-quite-big-enough t-shirt shows up.
* I resolve to do my very best to avoid
resting my testicles.
* I resolve to never again think that people
with cell phones are “asking for it.”
* I resolve to treat every other living soul
I meet exactly as I would wish to be treated, i.e. by pulling down
their pants and going down on them, no matter when or where I meet
them, and no matter what service may be going on at the time.
* I resolve to read the dosages much more
carefully from now on.
* I resolve to stop yelling, “Sit the fuck
down!” during Saturday morning library storybook time.
* I resolve to rent at least one movie a
week that doesn't include the word “cockmaster” in the title. Or
the description. Or the credits. Or in Roger Ebert's review.
* I resolve to stop training my dog to
attack anyone wearing a tie.
* I resolve to stop masturbating so much
during PTA meetings, at least until they bring out the little
cookies.
* I resolve to give the psychiatric interns
a bit more slack next time.
* I resolve to stop firing off the fire
extinguishers in movie theaters, no matter how much those bastards
in the back rows deserve it.
* I resolve to stop calling Sunday morning
prayer radio shows to request “Smack My Bitch Up.”
* I resolve to always, always, always make
sure the person I'm cybersexing is really female, of age, and not
affiliated with any law enforcement agencies. Fool me once, shame
on you…
* I resolve to observe all applicable
restraining orders, no matter how inconvenient.
* I resolve to stop thinking of Jehovah's
Witnesses as mere receptacles for my lust.
-------------------------
What It Was,
Was Porno
I guess if'n you had to pick a beginnin’,
it'd be that Saturday night at the lodge when Fat Jimmy brought in
a brand new porno tape for us to watch. Now, I want you to know we
ain’t all perverts or nuthin, it wasn't no regular thing with us.
Most regular thing was drinkin' an' fightin' over sports and
generally carryin' on, and then drivin’ home the fellas what got
outside a few drops too many or makin’ ‘em comfortable wherever
they lay. But on the occasional Saturday night, when spirits are
runnin’ especially high, one of us’ll call out to whoever’s closest
to the TV to stick in one of them nudie tapes, and we’ll all pull
up chairs and watch it.
We get pretty rowdy them nights, calling out
suggestions and general comments, but since we’ve had those same
four tapes for pretty near 10 years now there weren’t much new for
us to offer. We all knew all the words, such as they was, and we’d
call ‘em out during the show in a chorus. Last year one of ‘them
tapes broke, just snapped in two, and you ain’t never seen a more
sorrowful buncha fellers in your life, I’m tellin’ you. We still
got the box but it just ain’t the same.