Henry announced that he was the dee-rector
and that he needed quiet on the set so he could commence to
dee-rectin’. Fat Jimmy was mannin’ the camera, which he had stuck
on top of a hay bale for support. Tollie and the Judge were busy
sweeping loose hay up into a pile in one corner for the love-nest.
I was a trifle concerned over the Judge’s presence, since for one
thing I wasn’t sure which side of legal we was currently on, and
for another because Judge Jackson is also the town preacher. If’n
you wanted to be picky you could say it’s a violation of that
church and state thing, but ‘round here we figure if anyone’s gonna
be a’judgin’ you it might as well be someone up to the job. But the
Judge seemed as supportive as anybody, he was a regular at the
lodge meetings after all, and he was doin’ the lion’s share of the
sweepin’, so I let it be. As for Tollie, sweeping up stuff was just
about his speed, but he’s all right.
Finally everything was ready, Dolly Sue had
had her motivation explained to her – we told her that a city
slicker was gonna come in and for her to vamp him, she said she was
way ahead of us – and we was ready for our first scene. I was there
to handle script emergencies, Junie was there to keep an eye on me
and to act as a chaperone for Dolly Sue, sort of. Fat Jimmy was
cameraman, Tollie announced he was the key grip and was holding on
to his truck keys just as hard as he could while never once takin'
his eyes off Dolly Sue, and no one had the nerve to throw out the
Judge. Dolly Sue didn’t seem to even notice. She just kept smiling
and twirling around and crackin’ her knuckles, so I guess she was
findin' her muse. Henry was just about to kick ‘er off when the
judge stood up and led us in a prayer.
“Oh Lord,” he sez, “bless us this day our
endeavor, and smile down upon us as we celebrate your gift of
procreative ecstasy.” Henry looked fit to bust. Me, I was wonderin’
about the propriety of praying just before a porno shoot, but Junie
looked happy about it and I use her for my conscience since hers
works better'n mine so I let it slide. The judge went on for ten
more minutes, talking about male and female He made them and how
her breasts were like twin rows and stuff like that, and then
finished off in high style, blessing each and every one of us
before calling out for an ay-men. Henry crouched back down, after
looking around to make sure nobody was planning on jumping up and
notarizing us or anything, and then he yelled action.
Dolly Sue was pitching hay and singing a
little song to herself. She looked awful pretty, just the sort to
turn a young man’s head and any other parts he might have handy.
She also wasn’t moving much actual hay, but I reckon no one’d
notice. There was a noise outside and she jumped, looking straight
at the camera like we told her not to and saying, “Oh my, who could
that be.”
After a struggle the door opened up and
there stood Wilbur in my best Sunday-go-to-meeting suit and holding
my old suitcase, looking just as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a
room full of rocking chairs. He stood there for a long couple
minutes before Henry hissed his line at him. “Hello, I am a
salesman passing through!”
Wilbur nods and looks back towards Dolly Sue
and he sez, “Hello, I am a salesman passing by.” Henry yelled cut
and we all got into an argument about whether or not the actors
could ad-lib. Finally everybody got back into position and we
started again. Wilbur walks back in, looks lost for a second, and
then yells out, “Hello! I am a salesman passing wind!”
After the fifth take we settled on letting
the actors say whatever they felt moved to say if they would just
get on with the comminglin’ part. Me, I figgered Wilbur Tubbs was
nervous and couldn’t remember his mama’s name just then, and maybe
if’n he got his wick wet he could settle down and think straight
again, and then we could shoot the dialogue scenes. Henry assured
our actors that this sort of thing happened in movies all the time,
when they’d shoot ‘em out of sequence and then piece ‘em together
later. Wilbur Tubbs sez, “Then why’d he write it in this order,
then?” Dolly Sue nodded in agreement but I could see a smirk on her
face when Wilbur spoke up. Guess his fears about a squeaky voice
had some bite to ‘em, poor guy. Anyway, Henry explained to ‘em how
they had to pretend they had already had their talk and were about
to get all over each other. Dolly Sue lay back on the hay right
off, but Wilbur Tubbs turned candy apple red. Dolly Sue smirked
again, it didn’t look like she had much patience for any man didn’t
know how to grab her right. Probably not much experience with it,
neither.
Henry yells action and Dolly Sue just
reaches up and hooks a finger over Wilbur Tubbs’s belt and pulls
him over to her. She opened up that belt faster than I think he
could, and reaches right inside with one hand while she grabbed the
back of his head with the other and just kissed his head off.
Wilbur Tubbs’s pants started to drop, me and Junie and the judge
were leaning forward to see better, and it looked like Wilbur was
startin’ to kiss her back outta sheer self-defense and then Tollie
sings out, “Lay that pipe down, brother!”
After another break where we explained to
Tollie that it was okay to yell out when you was watchin’ movies
but it didn’t work the same when you was makin’ one, and if’n he
yelled out again we’d take his keys away and make him wait outside,
we jumped back to the filmin’.
Wilbur Tubbs seemed to be a bit more
confident now; he was already slobberin’ all over Dolly Sue’s face
and wriggling out of his britches afore Henry could start us
rolling again. Dolly Sue whipped off her dress, displayin’ her
considerable charms, and she opened her arms to welcome Wilbur
Tubbs right in, all squeaky-voiced six feet three inches of
him.
I’d be lying if I didn’t say I expected
Wilbur to fire his pistol in the first few seconds, and I was all
ready to reassure him that it was okay. He was as eager as a puppy
at the food bowl and just about as graceful, and I watched him
close for signs of any premature embarrassment. However, I began to
suspect that my kindly reassurance was a mite unnecessary, along
about the second hour.
Now I want to tell you something here. I
have met great men in my day. My father did two tours in Vietnam,
my uncle helped capture Porkchop Hill in Korea, I’ve seen
congressmen and senators speak and I shook Jimmy Carter’s hand once
when he swung through on his campaign tour. But I have never in my
life had such respect for another man as I did that day for Wilbur
Tubbs.
That boy plowed her wide and plowed her
deep, flipped her over and drove her up over the side of the hay
bin and then across the floor in wide circles, both of ‘em
hollerin’ and thrashin’. That second hour he eased up on pounding
her for awhile and spent some time committin’ a sin that Dolly Sue
seemed to especially like, unless all that screamin’ was just her
actin’ style. My wife Junie is a big fan of that particular sin
herself, and she told me later that she watched real close the
whole time and if Dolly Sue was actin’ then they might as well just
ship her all the Oscars and close the place up.
After Dolly Sue started pulling out handfuls
of her own hair we made Wilbur Tubbs stop for a bit, and Henry
pulled him over to the corner of the barn and started flappin’ a
towel in his face and encouragin’ him. “You done good, Wilbur, you
done real good. You need some water or a beer or sumthin’? Anything
you need, we’ll get it for you. Goddamn, Wilbur, you’re a natural
or I’ve never seen one. You wanna point that thing away from me?”
Meanwhile Dolly was laid out wide and pantin' 'n' sweatin' like
she'd just run around the yard carryin’ the tractor. June hurried
over to her with a blanket and some water and patted her cheek 'til
she could sit up. The whole time Junie was fussin' over her, Dolly
Sue never took her eyes off Wilbur Tubbs and she was givin' him a
look like you might give a puppy after he stood up and fixed your
transmission. We all were, really, I think we was all in some sort
of shock.
Fat Jimmy was peerin' at the little window
on the camera, reviewin' the proceedin's and whistling under his
breath. The Judge was fanning hisself with his hat and shaking his
head, smilin'. And from the way he was actin', I believe that
Tollie done disgraced hisself. Never did let go o' the keys,
though, can't say he slacked in his job.
Wilbur Tubbs was bobbing back and forth,
trying to see around Henry while Henry kept trying to give him
advice and pep talk kind of stuff, and Dolly Sue had dropped her
blanket and was trying to get past June. Henry got the idea it was
time for Round 2 and barely got out of the way before our two porno
stars were on each other. He yelled, “Action, dammit!” and dove out
the way.
This time it looked as though Dolly Sue
intended to have the upper hand, and right off she grabbed Wilbur
Tubbs by the business end and commenced to showin' him her hot dog
eatin' techniques. She had him slammed up against the wall afore he
could move and she gobbled him up like she was bein' timed and
graded. Damn shame you can't get a scholarship or a grant or
somethin’ for this sort of thing, ‘cause that girl was a artist,
pure and simple. She never stopped movin', she seemed to have a few
more hands than usual, and I'll be switched if I know when she
bothered to breathe. I had to remember to blink now and then, and I
found myself hoping that June was paying attention and picking up
some pointers.
Wilbur took it about as well as any man
could; he grabbed the rafters over his head with both hands and
just howled. Jerked his hips back and forth, raised up and down on
his toes, snapped his head from side to side and looked for all the
world like a man who got his whanger caught in a wood chipper and
found out he liked it. He didn’t put up with it near as long as she
had, it weren’t more than ten minutes afore he grabbed her
shoulders, spun her around and over the railing, and proceeded to
rebore her proper. Dolly Sue was a’holdin’ on to the railing and
pushing back for all she was worth, just a’moanin’ and a’screamin’,
and buckin’ and thrashin’, and anybody walkin’ in for the first
time woulda thought they was havin’ a murder, although it weren’t
too clear which one was doin’ the murderin’. It was a sight to see,
I’ll tell you that, and it was all I could not to play along at
home, if you know what I mean, Junie was clutching my arm and kinda
rubbin’ up against me, ladylike, while she watched ‘em, and poor
ol’ Tollie done passed out. The Judge, he was standing perfectly
still but he had a shiny sweat all over his face and his eyes
looked like if they didn’t get oiled soon they was gonna freeze up.
Henry weren’t even tryin’ to dee-rect anymore, they hadn’t paid him
the slightest bit of attention yet and I think he realized right
off there weren’t anything he could tell ‘em to do that was any
more excitin’ then what they was doin’ already; he just sat back on
his hams and goggled at ‘em. Only person didn’t seem too affected
was Fat Jimmy, bless him, who didn’t miss a lick and kept swapping
full tapes for new ones as fast as he could.
Finally we could tell from
the screams that they was both rompin’ on home or else having heart
attacks. Dolly Sue was buckin’ faster and faster until she suddenly
stopped dead, just flat
stopped
, and stood still and took
everything that Wilbur Tubbs could throw at her like she was savin’
up. Wilbur pounded her faster as he slid into his big finish and
Dolly Sue hunched her shoulders and pushed back once, hard, and
then threw her head back and shrieked this long, happy yell that
echoed off the walls and startled the spit out of all of us. Wilbur
Tubbs started jackhammering twice as hard as before, which I woulda
sworn was impossible and unsafe besides, and then he let out a roar
that matched her shriek and they both shuddered into the closest
thing to a religious experience that I’ve ever witnessed, and it’ll
do ‘til one comes along.
It was a long few minutes of stunned silence
after the spasmin’ finally stopped before it occurred to Henry to
yell cut, and by then Fat Jimmy had lowered the camera for the
first time in four hours and wiped tears from his eyes. June seemed
to come back from wherever she had been and she ran over and threw
a blanket over Dolly Sue and gave her shoulder a little pat, and
then dashed back and grabbed me by the hand and yanked me out of
the barn, yellin’ over her shoulder, “We’ll go get some
refreshments, y’all just wait there!” I almost fell over myself
trying to keep up with her (having a bit more than usual in my
jeans to deal with, you understand) and was trying to come up with
the right thing to say to deal with whatever had fired her up so
hard, when she bust into the kitchen with me right behind and she
turned around and started ripping my pants open right there.
About ten minutes later me and Junie,
dressed and hair combed, came back out with a load of sammiches and
a case of beer. Wilbur Tubbs and Dolly Sue was dressed again, but
they was staring at each other like they wanted to get undressed
right away. Henry and Fat Jimmy was watching the playback on the
little video camera and giving out low hoots, the Judge was sittin’
on a haybale fanning himself with his hat, and Tollie was still
out, although it looked like someone had tossed a bucket of water
over him. We commenced to handing out beer and vittles and Henry
looked up and put on his biggest grin and said, “Friends and
neighbors, I think we got us some porno.”
Not much to tell about the rest of the day.
Henry and Fat Jimmy insisted on shootin’ some plot, so once he
found out the nekkid part was over the Judge threw Tollie in the
back of his truck and took him home. Wilbur Tubbs and Dolly Sue
seemed content to do anything anyone asked them to, so long as they
didn’t have to get more than lunging distance away from each other.
Things seemed under control, so after leavin’ a plate piled high
with biscuits and ham me and Junie turned in early to take care of
a few things we hadn’t finished addressin’ earlier. My Junebug was
livelier and louder than usual, and usual was pretty dang good, so
since I hadn’t changed any I had to assume that makin’ porno movies
agreed with her.