STAN
: Not since junior high school, Bill, and I didn't have a
thousand women to use it on. Here we go!
RING
ANNOUNCER
: And now, wearing the blue hat,
weighing in at 185 pounds and sizing up at 9 and one quarter
inches, Tha-ROBbin ROBin REEEEEEDwooood! Let's get ready to
FON-DLLLLLLLLLLE!
[Horn sounds, audience goes wild]
BILL
: Wow, strong start there, Stan, the first lucky lady is down
and he's in there!
[Sounds of loud sex, audience cheers]
STAN
: That first lady is Lisa Ann Reeves, Bill, and she won the
toss backstage. She's a cabin attendant for Delta Airlines and
enjoys country music and mint-flavored dental floss. You can see
Robin using his patented swivel-hip action to get her off
quick.
BILL
: And it's working, Stan. These women are using HootGoo to
make sure they're ready for immediate penetration, and for the
ladies on deck we have a team of fluffers making sure they're moist
and ready, but it looks like Lisa brought something of her own to
the table.
[Sound of woman
orgasming]
My God, there she goes! Her toes
are pointing, they're pointing, she's definitely tossing one off!
Just under a minute, that's incredible!
STAN
: That's the mark of a true athlete, Bill. He's at the top of
his form and he's looking good. You can see that Lisa has quickly
rolled out of the way and the next woman is stepping up to the
plate.
BILL
: She's Carol Gilhooey, a librarian from Red Bank, New Jersey,
and it looks like the Throbber is giving her the “on top” spot as
he jockeys for position underneath. She's game, she's throwing a
leg over… and he's in! She's hooked up and moving like an oil pump!
This is fantastic! Look at him go!
[Audience reaction, more loud sex]
STAN
: An unexpected move, Bill, but a good way to stay flexible
early in the game. Conserve his strength, let her do the work.
Notice the careful manipulation of the clitoris, you can tell he's
in complete control here. Smart thinking, and just the sort of
thing that he–
BILL
: WAIT! The Throbber looks surprised! He's jerking, he's… yes,
it's his first orgasm of the evening!
[Sounds of a male orgasm, audience
cheering]
BILL
: Stan, Robin was expecting to last much longer than this
before his first popper. Will this affect his chances?
STAN
: It's hard to say at this point, Bill. He's a trooper, he can
still recover as long as he… oh my god, I don't believe
it!
[Sound of snoring, audience booing, with a
strong undercurrent of female laughter]
BILL
: He's… he's… he's fallen asleep, Stan!
STAN
: This could just be a temporary setback, Bill, he can still
bring it around–
BILL
: He's goddamn asleep! Son of a bitch. We're scheduled for 8
hours of live TV, Stan! What the hell do we do now? You wanna take
over down there?
STAN
: Um…
(brightly)
Let's see the playback on that last move!
BILL
: Oh, Christ. I lasted longer than that on my honeymoon. I'm
outta here.
[Footsteps, door opens, loud audience
booing, door slams. There’s a long pause, with the booing audience
still faint in the background]
STAN
: Well, uh, this has been the World's Greatest… uh, Gang Bang,
sponsored by HootGoo. Please stay tuned for the post-event analysis
with Bob Costas and Ron Jeremy, coming up next.
[Music rises, fades]
-------------------------
MY PENIS
IS…
* my constant companion
* a convenient handle to get me out of bed
in the morning
* the tie-breaking vote when my brain and my
heart just can't decide on the next dating move
* occasionally cute and cuddly, especially
right after
* an excellent source of flexible dry heat,
very good for chest colds
* friends to more people than I am,
somehow
* a handy impromptu washcloth hook
* a magic toy that doesn't need batteries or
nuthin
* a fun way to flip M&M's to my mouth
when I'm in bed and bored
* capable of cracking walnuts after a few
weeks of forced inactivity
* an impressive-sounding 152,400
microns
* known to curl up and flee within my body
at the first sign of danger, such as angry bikers or really cold
pools
* just like my very best friend — shows up
when I don't want him to, doesn't show up when I do want him to,
and seems to like really strange women
* an obvious target for hurled onion
rings
* just the right size to wear G.I. Joe's
helmet
* the bane of my wife's 3 a.m.
existence
* a sturdy book prop for reading in the
tub
* entirely the wrong thing to present in
court as a surprise witness. Who knew?
* useful for keeping my front pockets
apart
* always there for me
* gifted with the ability to change my mood,
attitude, and intelligence level with just a twitch
* gradually being trained to respond to
simple voice commands, such as, “are you awake?” and, “thanks for
going shopping with me, now what do you want to do?”
* the exact color of latte, with cream
* a manly 1. 524e+09 angstroms
* completely confused by y-front shorts
* entirely capable of meeting, wooing, and
seducing a woman before my brain realizes what's going on and why
we're all headed to the parking lot
* well-trained and respondent to my touch,
like a show dog
* ultimately in charge of the TV remote
* perfect for scooping out the lint
trap
* the outward manifestation of my
testosterone-laced, whipcord-muscled, utter machismo-drenched
manhood, out in the open for all to see and admire
* not at all the thing that those kids at
the bus stop were expecting
* better when shared, just like love and
french fries.
-------------------------
Guess Your
Fetish
Do you have any idea, any idea at all just
how sick and twisted the people around you really are?
You do? Seriously?
Good, you'll ace the quiz. Each of the terms
below is an actual clinical term that describes a specific sexual
kink, preference or action. All you have to do is guess which
definition is accurate. Go wild. You sick fuck.
1. A harpaxophiliac is aroused by:
a. Aborigines
b. being robbed
c. a Marx brother
d. stringed instruments, especially upright
- oh god, upright – ones
e. wigs.
2. Bradycubia refers to:
a. an overpowering attraction to Marsha
Brady
b. an overpowering attraction to Greg
Brady
c. an overpowering desire to watch Greg nail
Marsha
d. a sex technique where the male slowly
thrusts in and out of his partner's vagina or anus
e. a sex technique where the male slowly
thrusts in and out of Greg and/or Marsha Brady
3. If you're an ochlophiliac you really get
off on:
a. crowds
b. summer squash
c. Scottish accents
d. the Spider-man bad guy with the arms
e. spitting off highway bypasses
4. If a lover offered you a little scrotal
infusion, it means they're about to:
a. kick you in the nuts
b. kiss you on the nuts
c. help you kiss your own nuts, with ropes
and a fence puller
d. let you force your scrotum into one of
their orifices
e. inject a saline solution into your
ballsack until it looks like a hairy water balloon
5. A wild evening of formicophilia would
require
a. a hydraulic jack and a can of
Fix-A-Flat
b. a kitchen countertop with a hole in
it
c. a jar of honey and a jar of ants
d. a wire brush and a bottle of iodine
e. a pile of dirty laundry
6. A stupprator is only sexually interested
in:
a. newlyweds
b. virgins
c. uniformed people
d. comatose people
e. stupid people
7. A gomphipothic person would be intensely
aroused by the sight of your:
a. Social Security card
b. Aunt
c. Jesse Helms hand puppet
d. Incisors
e. anorak
8. If you hop in the bed of an ophidicist,
watch out for:
a. snakes
b. beetles
c. novelty lunchboxes
d. piles of sand
e. unspooled cassette tape
9. If your lover offers you a quick round
of genuphallation it means you get to stick your dick:
a. in your lover's armpit
b. in your lover's toaster oven
c. between your lover's earphones
d. in a moistened light socket
e. between your lover's knees
10. Kokigami is the art of wrapping the
penis in:
a. aluminum foil
b. piping hot towels
c. darling little paper or cloth
costumes
d. bacon and held in place with
toothpicks
e. hundreds of rubber bands until it looks
like a balloon animal
11. If you engage in amatripsis it means
you masturbate by:
a. stroking your penis with your own
heels
b. rubbing your labia together
c. rubbing up against a public official
d. thinking about pop stars
e. rubbing fistfuls of money all over
yourself
12. An albutophiliac would just lose all
control in your:
a. hiney
b. lobby
c. attic
d. sprinklers
e. socks
13. Tripsolagniacs could probably pick up a
cheap thrill at:
a. the local beauty salon
b. the local grocery store
c. the local cemetery
d. the local courthouse, especially the
witness stand
e. the local slaughterhouse, especially by
the runoff area
14. If a thlipsosist sneaks up behind you,
you're about to get:
a. hugged
b. mugged
c. showered
d. goosed
e. pinched
15. Siderodromopjiliacs are aroused to a
remarkable degree from:
a. voting
b. soap operas
c. trains
d. a guy named Sid
e. scuba suits with the nipples cut out
16. Hoot Island patrons would probably
appreciate a knismolagniac - they get get turned on from:
a. laughing
b. tickling
c. falling off furniture during sexual
congress
d. falling off a municipal bus during sexual
congress
e. engaging in an act of sexual congress
with a member of Congress
17. Which word does not mean “arousal from
person of same sex”:
a. iterandria
b. uranism
c. sexual inversion
d. selglalia
e. lung-yang
18. I could be considered a nanophiliac
because all of my lovers have been:
a. short
b. incontinent
c. indiscriminating
d. big busted, thank heaven
e. blind, deaf, and apparently unable to
smell
19. Pareunasthenia is a fancified word
for:
a. a sexual attraction to sea bass
b. male masturbation with the hole in a 45
rpm record
c. sex involving runny cheese
d. a desire to pollinate flower displays in
store windows
e. a limp willy
20. Perhaps the strangest fetish of all is
normophilia, which refers to:
a. an attraction to fat guys on
barstools
b. a desire to have sex the same way your
neighbor does, but better
c. a preference for being ravished by
William, Duke of Normandy
d. those only aroused from acts considered
normal by their particular society or religion
e. a fetish for men with penises of exactly
average size, to be determined by means of a measuring tape, a
micrometer, a weight scale, and the latest copy of Cosmo
Answers:
1 b, 2 d, 3 a, 4 e, 5 c, 6 b, 7 d, 8 a, 9 e,
10 c, 11 b, 12 d, 13 a, 14 e, 15 c, 16 b, 17 d, 18 a, 19 e, 20
d
All terms taken from Encyclopedia of
Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love. I recommend it; it's
guaranteed to make you feel better about your own twisted
perversions.
-------------------------
Porn
Drinking Game
“Hey, Jimmy! Glad you could make it,
dude!”
“Me too, man. Didn't think I'd make it. Yo!
Beer over here!”
“You got some catching up to do, Jimbo, I'm
way ahead of you. You look like you could still legally drive, and
I know your daddy taught you better than that. Where's your
manners?”