“No problem, you just limit yourself to
drinking with one hand at a time and I'll catch up pretty quick.
Hey, what's going on over there? They watching the game? Who's
playing?”
“Chasey Lane and Juli Ashton, I think.”
“Yeah… what?”
“They're watching a porno, man. Porno
drinking game. Hey, you wanna get toasted fast, that's the way to
go.”
“What, like that Bob Newhart game where you
drink when someone says 'Hi, Bob'?”
“Oh, there's shitloads of drinking games.
Every popular TV show has one, and there's about a zillion Star
Wars drinking games. The thing is, you drink when certain things
happen or certain things get said. Sometimes you take a drink,
sometimes you have to slam whatever you're holding. You up for
it?”
“Um, I…”
“C'mon over. Hey guys, mind if we sit
in?”
“WHOOO! Drink! Drink!”
“What? What happened?”
“Too late for that one, man. One of the
girls just said, 'I've never done this before,' that's a drink.
Drink up!”
“Oh, right…” (gulp)
“Drink, Jimmy! He's going down on her!”
“Why didn't we drink when she was blowing
him?”
“Cuz that happens in every movie, if we did
that people'd be passing out during the opening credits. You gotta
wait for the more occasional things. Like that! Drink it all, Jim!
Quick, she's coming! Okay, he's driving it home. Now, fill up your
mug, you're gonna need it.”
“Why? What's up?”
“You gotta be ready in case they… there!
They switched to the under-the-balls camera angle! Now you have to
start drinking and keep going until they switch angles again.
Go!”
“Okay…” (gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp,
cough, cough, gulp, cough, gulp, cough, ack, koff) Jesus, how long
does it last?”
“Hell, that one angle lasts longer than my
whole evening, man. Wipe your face, we've got a long way to go. Hey
barkeep! Fill 'em up!”
“No ones drinking now, what's up?”
“Aw, he's just fucking her. Be thankful they
don't keep switching back to the under-the-balls shot, I almost
died of alcohol poisoning once during “In & Out & In &
Out”.
“So we're good for now?”
“Just for a minute. Okay, they're coming up
to the money shot, get a mouthful of beer.”
“Oh, god, why?”
“Cuz when he pulls out for the popshot, you
spit. Thar she blows! (gulp) Ptooey! Ptooey!”
“Spaaauugh!”
“Nice one, but it looks better if you spit
it out in three tight squirts.”
“Jesus Christ. No wonder you get blotto on
this.”
“Yep. We've got a bit of breathing time
while they do plot shit, so I'll give you some tips. Okay, you
really should drink out of bottles for this game. Long necks are
the best, for obvious reasons. There's a whole separate set of
rules for bottles. See, if she deep throats him you gotta drink
with as much of the bottle in your mouth as you can handle. If she
wraps her tits around him while she's blowing him, you have to
stick your hands in your shirt and use both of them to grab your
beer, and then chug.”
“Does anybody ever make it all the way
through?”
“Sometimes, when the union guys come in.
Okay, she's sucking on both of those guys, so take both of these
bottles.”
“What? Wait a minute…”
“C'mon man, do me proud! If it was a guy
with two girls you'd have to drip from two mugs into your mouth at
the same time. Don't spill man, don't spill!”
“Mmmggllphh! Cough, cough. Shit. Oh, well.
what's next. Why is everybody looking at me?”
“I told you not to spill, boss, now you're
the gangbanger. You're just fucking lucky that wasn't Peter North
in that scene, you'd have had to finish off whatever you were
holding.”
“What the hell is a gangbanger?”
“Don't worry about it, it probably won't
come up… oh, shit, sorry dude. You're the gangbanger all
right.”
“What the hell does it mean?”
“See all those guys standing around the girl
on the pool table?”
“Yeah? So? What, I gotta drink out of
everyone's beer or what?”
“Hey, that's pretty good, but no. You just
sit there, and when they all start shooting, everyone stands up
and—”
“What… Hey! Motherfucker! Agh, goddammit!
Get the fuck away from me! Jesus!”
“—
pours out their drink on
your face. Better learn to swallow faster, that's always my
advice.”
“Yeah, thanks a whole hell of a lot. Jesus,
look at this.”
“Hey, there's worse. We could be watching
German porn.”
“No thanks. Dammit. So what… oh, yuck! Why's
everyone throwing up! Ayuch! What the hell does that mean?”
“Huh? I don't… oh, I see. It's not a regular
rule.”
“What the hell is it, then?”
“It means Ron Jeremy took his pants off
onscreen in a movie made after 1985. Oh, wow.”
“Ewww, I see what you mean.”
“Yeah, I'm all sober again now. Let's go
home.”
-------------------------
All We Want
for Christmas Is…
Ah, Christmas, our economic and religious
shot in the arm. The time for all of us to reflect on our loved
ones, and the spirit of giving, and what the fuck to give our loved
ones when they won’t goddamn tell you what they want for Christmas
and you have to guess and you know it’ll always be wrong. The time
for everyone to rush out and join what is apparently every other
human being born since the beginning of time who have all decided
to go to the same mall and write checks without bringing ID. And
unless you are exceptionally fortunate, you and your loved one are
in the same frustrating position you were in last year — you have
no earthly idea what to get them.
Or, worse, you have no idea
what to ask for. I mean sure, there's stuff you want, but if you're
like me you either save up and buy it yourself or you hope your
Significant Other will somehow guess what you want. It's like a
gift loses its appeal if you have to ask for it. Shouldn't she
know? Months before Christmas my wife will start asking me what I
want and I always go blank. Moments before I may have been thinking
“Gee, I'd sure like to have a graphics tablet, or
The Simpsons
Second Season
DVD set, or the hardback
Alias
collection, and that 6’ gargoyle at Spencer’s
would look pretty cool in the bedroom,” but as soon as she asks —
voomph. I got nuthin', it's like my brain was an Etch-A-Sketch and
as soon as she asked someone snuck up behind me and shook it. So
when she asks what I want for Christmas I usually say something
smart-ass like, “A blowjob, why?”
Ladies, this may sound familiar. You ask a
guy a serious question and he answers with some lame toss-off
answer like that. Well, speaking for guys around the world, I'm
here to reveal the sincere and honest truth:
We're serious. We really do want a
blowjob.
And so I'd like to present to you all the
entirely plausible reasons why you should grant your guy a little
Christmas cheer under the covers next Monday morning.
* It's cheaper than a set of tires.
* He was really, really good this year.
* You don't have to worry about the vagaries
of the United States Postal Service.
* If you don't do it, Santa has to.
* You can probably talk him into giving you
a backrub right afterwards.
* Who are we kidding, you can probably talk
him into giving you a new living room set right afterwards.
* 10 minutes and your shopping is done.
* You don't have to wade through crowds to
get his gift (if you do have to wade through crowds, maybe you
should rethink this relationship)
* You don't have to worry about where to
hide his gift beforehand.
* It's a pretty safe bet that at least this
year his mom won't be able to get him anything better and outclass
you.
* You don't have to worry about your credit
card balance, bank account or grocery money.
* You can make him make those weird little
whimpering noises.
* His balls ring, are you listening?
* You don't have to worry about getting him
the wrong brand, the wrong color or the wrong model.
* Depending on your technique, you probably
don't have to get batteries.
* It's one less gift you'll have to
wrap.
* It's extremely unlikely he gave himself
one before you could give him yours.
* It's so refreshing to finally enjoy having
one of your gifts returned
* You can put a ribbon on your own head and
give him a “bowjob”.
* You don't have to worry about whether or
not he already has one.
* It'll never be one of those presents he
just pretends to like and then “accidentally” breaks the first
day.
* You won't have his entire family watching
him open his present and muttering about it, unless you have an
exceptionally open attitude about these things.
* You don't have to keep track of the
receipt.
* It'll fit. I promise.
* You don't have to worry about the online
company going bankrupt before shipping.
* It's the hot gift this year, like robot
dogs, GameBoy Advanced and those damn scooters, and you don't have
to scurry store-to-store to get it.
* He'll be much more relaxed when your
family arrives and maybe this year you can avoid the traditional
after-dinner “are you all fucking insane?” speech.
* You can go back to sleep right afterwards,
honest.
* The Santa at the mall told him he'd get
one.
* Away in this manger, there'll be room for
some head.
* You can use the extra cash for your own
present.
* You can wrap red ribbon around it and make
a candy cane. ? With any luck he won't wake up until you're almost
through and you can avoid the inevitable cries of “Suck Dasher,
suck Dancer!” and “Oh sweet Jesus, here comes Santa Claus!”
* If you wear those little jingly bell
earrings you can get a sleigh bell sound going for a nice holiday
effect.
* You won't see it for 75% off in the stores
the next day.
* You'll have the satisfaction of knowing
that for him the rest of this joyous day is all downhill, except
maybe for the football game.
* Selfless giving is the true meaning of
Christmas, so why not give him some.
* You get to eat the milk and cookies that
were left out, with perfect justification.
* Every time you swallow, an angel gets her
wings.
* You might get it back next year.
God, I hope this works…
-------------------------
Hey Kids!
Sex Survey!
In honor of Good Vibrations’ 25th
anniversary, Hoot Island favorites Anne Semans and Cathy Winks
updated their best-selling sex manual,
The
Good Vibrations Guide to Sex
, and they
asked for reader input. As they did in the two previous editions,
they asked for anonymous feedback from women and men of all ages,
backgrounds, and sexual styles. I posted links to this survey and
urged my readers to take the survey, both to help out with one of
the best how-to sex books I’ve ever read, and because I knew my
readers would blow their curve.
I took the test myself, of course.
Sexual Arousal and Response
- Please describe your experience of any or all of
the following: women: orgasm, multiple orgasm, ejaculation, G-spot
stimulation; men: orgasm, multiple orgasm, orgasm without
ejaculation, prostate stimulation.
I have experienced women, orgasm,… oh, wait, I see
now. Okay, I've experienced orgasm a few zillion times and I don't
regret a single one, except maybe the one during my indictment. I
achieved multiple orgasm only once, and I can't remember a single
detail, although from what I can tell on the security tape I really
enjoyed it. I have never experienced orgasm without ejaculation
because that's just wrong and probably communist. I have never had
my prostate stimulated voluntarily, or at least that's what I keep
telling myself.
- Please describe how your experiences of desire,
arousal, and orgasm have (or haven't) changed over the course of
your lifetime. For instance, how have your experiences changed with
age, during pregnancy, upon becoming a parent, while on medication,
after surgery, etc.
My desire has steadily increased since puberty, to
the point where I am now masturbating more or less continually. I
managed to stave it off briefly for my SATs, prom night, and most
of my wedding ceremony, and since then I have been unable to appear
in public. Powerful sedatives and a pair of boxing gloves helped me
get through the birth of my children, and in case of necessary
surgery my doctor has been instructed to only use a local
anesthetic and to keep out of the way. I did stop cold for a month
three years ago for no medically apparent reason, which was a good
thing as it allowed me to finally accept the Bronze Star, which I
then used brutally (although without, let me stress, stimulating my
prostate).
Self-image
- What factors have had the biggest influence on your
sexual self esteem?
My enormous wang, for one. The Federal tax rate. My
Bronze Star. Ginger Lynn. Oh yeah, and Batman.
- How has your sexual self image changed over your
lifetime?
Ever read
The Picture of Dorian Gray
? Like
that, only dirtier. And with a bigger wang.