If you had mostly C answers:
There are some deep-seated problems here,
ones that you'll need to address immediately. It's not too late! If
you and your genitals really want to make this work, and you're
both willing to make the necessary sacrifices, you can still make
this relationship last. You may also consider seeing other
genitals, to make sure that you're really right for each other.
There are many doctors that can help you with this, at increasingly
affordable prices.
If you had mostly D answers:
Get out, immediately! You are locked in an
abusive relationship, one that can only damage you later. You
should immediately contact a voluntary clinic for advice on how to
get out of the house safely. They can also advise you on the best
ways to remove yourself from the vicinity of your genitalia
completely, and how to get a restraining order. This will be very
difficult for you — victims of genital abuse almost always resist
being physically separated from their abusers, but I assure you
it's all for the best. Genital abuse invariably leads to blindness,
moral decay, sleep deprivation, and, in extreme cases, charley
horses. Seek help.
-------------------------
Truth in
Seduction
“Hi, Joe.”
“Hey, Bill. Beer?”
“Thanks. Say, who looks desperate and
non-judgmental tonight?”
“Hmmm. There's Jackie crying over by the
jukebox, her divorce just came through and her husband brought a
date to the final signing. The blonde over there, she's pissed at
her mom right now for trying to control her life so I'd say she's
ready to defy some authority, and Sara Jean at the end of the bar
is just plain horny.”
“Sounds good. What's she drinking?”
“Tonic water, but she's pretending it's
gin.”
“Send her one from me, willya? Thanks.”
“Here you are, ma'am.”
“Oh, thank you. Which pathetic jerk is this
from?”
“Bill, over there. The pudgy one with the
puppy dog eyes and the hard-on you can see from here.”
“Sigh. Best I can do right now, I guess,
since I have such a low self-esteem and don't feel I deserve anyone
decent. Thanks.”
“Hi.”
“Hi, thanks for the drink. I suppose this
obligates me to listen to your lame and unoriginal sexual offer
now?”
“Yup. I just came in and I couldn't help
noticing that while you're sure as hell not the most attractive
woman here, you're probably the easiest. Can I flirt with you and
toy with your hopes for a bit before we go back to your place and
fuck?”
“Sure. I'm looking at you like you're slimy
and congenitally insane, but I've secretly decided to get laid
tonight no matter what. My name isn't really Mindy but you can call
me that, since if I give you my real name you might stalk and kill
me.”
“Great, now I don't have to find somebody
else. I'm Matt, as far as you know, and I'm hoping you don't notice
the un-tanned skin on my ring finger.”
“Noticed it when you came in, but I won't
mention it if you won't. Obviously your wife must be a total bitch
or you wouldn't be here, and maybe I can break you two up. Come
here a lot?”
“Oh, no, she's great, I'm just a complete
bastard who can't keep it in his pants. I come here once a week,
plus I hit on my co-workers. You?”
“This is my first time here, I've never been
quite this desperate before. My failed relationships have forced me
to lower my standards until the best I can hope for at this point
is that you're not diseased, impotent, or homicidal.”
“Just herpes, but it's not active right now
so I wasn't going to tell you. I can get it up most of the time
after about half an hour of frustrating oral sex, and I wouldn't
put my mouth near your muff for all the gin in Virginia. So, you
got a roommate? I can't take you to my place, for obvious reasons,
and I'm too cheap to pop for a motel.”
“Oh, I always tell men I don't go down on
them, but then I always do because I can’t stand all that whining.
I'm really bad at it, and then I get mad when you won't do me. I
actually like hours of foreplay before I even start to get excited,
but I never expect to get it.”
“That's okay, I'll make sure to use a lot of
K-Y so it won't matter if you're interested or not. Roommate?”
“Yeah, a female friend who's much more
attractive and will probably steal you if there's the slightest
chance that I'm really interested. She's agreed to stay out of the
apartment tonight, but she'll sneak back in later and listen
through her bedroom wall. This is boring, you gonna proposition me
or not?”
“You know it, I've been drinking steadily
and you're looking damn fine, although I'll regret it tomorrow and
then tell my buddies you had bigger tits and a snatch that could do
needlework. I'll drive, but don't look in my glove compartment or
you'll see my real name on my registration and I'll have panic
attacks all night.”
“No problem, I'll just copy the information
from your driver's license while you're in the bathroom trying to
rinse off my perfume before you go home. That way I can look up
your phone number so that when I inevitably fall in love and obsess
on you, I can call you day and night.”
“Join the club, baby. Let's go. My wife
expects me home by 10.”
“Okay, I'll need the extra time for a crying
fit in the bathroom.”
“Night, Joe! Thanks for the tip, it really
came through! I'll tell you my exaggerated version tomorrow
night!”
“Yeah, thanks, Joe! I’m looking forward to
this meaningless encounter right now, but tomorrow I’ll be wishing
I had just settled for buying more batteries.”
“Night, you two. Ah, love. I never get tired
of it.”
-------------------------
Gender
Bending
Here's a fun and easy way to gain new
appreciation for the opposite sex, which could lead to widespread
acceptance of the trials and tribulations of the genders and,
ultimately, to a cease-fire in the battle between the sexes. A
worthy goal to try to accomplish in our lifetimes, the same span of
time which has seen so many other incredible leaps in psychological
perception and sexual equality, so get to it, you lazy
bastards.
What you're going to do is take an afternoon
and see exactly what it's like for your lover during those moments
of utter ecstasy that you've been taking for granted. You will
become your lover.
Ladies
- You are now a man. Mazel tov.
And you need to learn how to please your
woman. (those readers who prefer same-sex fun — please modify the
exercises as necessary). Let's start with the easiest -
fucking.
Exercise 1
- Get on your hands and knees and place a pillow
in front of your waist. Start thrusting.
Basic
- Try to grind and pound the pillow into the bed using only
your hips and leg muscles. Keep it up, constantly, for 10 minutes.
It's a bitch, isn't it?
Intermediate
- Kiss the pillow while you do it. If you're
feeling particularly cocky, fondle the pillow while thrusting in
such a way as to maximize your own excitement while never missing
the pillow’s label. Don’t lose your beat.
Advanced
- Do it on the carpet or on a tile floor, without
knee protection.
Expert
- The second you're finished, jump up and go get a
towel.
You can try alternate positions if you like.
Try pinning the pillow against the wall and pound away. For true
verisimilitude, buy a dildo and harness and seat the dildo loosely,
so there's at least a 10% chance of it falling off during the
maneuvers.
Exercise 2
- Take a dress shirt, one with a stiff collar, and
lay it flat, face up, buttoned to the neck. Lay down on top of it
so that your chin is on the second button and your tongue just
reach the collar.
Basic
- Unbutton the collar with your tongue. You can use your hands
to hold the sleeves but that's it, you've got to unbutton the
collar with your tongue's strength and agility alone.
Intermediate
- Button it back again.
Advanced
- Have a partner hold the collar and keep moving
it while you're exercising. It also helps if they can grab your
hair and ears and yank your head around.
Expert
- Cut through half the threads holding the button on. Now do
the same exercises, but don't let the button fall off.
You may find that repeated
strokes will get the button to
just
where it's about to slip through the buttonhole,
and then your jaw gives out and it slips firmly back in place. At
this point your partner should whack you over the head, turn over
and go to sleep, and then not talk to you for three
days.
Guys
- You didn't think you'd get away so easily, did
you?
Exercise 1
- To get the full effect, you'll need to do this
on the living room floor. You can lay pillows down first, and a
protective cup might be advisable. First, grab the couch, tilt it
so that the back of the couch is facing down, and hold it up while
you lie down under it. Spread your legs. Wider. Wider. Now lower
the couch so that the back of the couch is pressing against your
pelvic girdle.
Basic
- Start pounding the shit out of your crotch by alternately
raising and dropping the couch. Do this for 10 minutes.
Intermediate
- Kiss the couch and yell things like “Do it to
me, Conan!” with a straight face. Raise your hips just as it
hits.
Advanced
- Hook your ankles around the edges of the couch
and hang on. Keep dropping it.
Expert
- Drop the couch a final time and then leave it there to
simulate a sleeping partner. You may want to have a friend acting
as a spotter. If your friend is present, have them use a turkey
baster to squirt a pint of chilled crème rinse underneath your
butt.
Note - any other item can be substituted for
the couch, provided it's taller than you, awkward, and weighs at
least 200 lbs. A full-sized punching bag is ideal, and a Navy sea
bag stuffed tight with dirty, yard work-type laundry can add extra
realism.
Exercise 2
- Assemble the following items: a banana, a
cucumber big enough so that your fingers barely touch around it, a
water pistol filled with milk and lemon juice, and a 1992
Chevette.
Basic
- Peel the banana and quickly ram the entire thing into your
mouth. Pull it in and out for 10 minutes. Do not vomit. After 10
minutes, remove the banana and inspect it. For every obvious groove
dug into the banana's surface from your teeth, you must do another
10 reps.
Intermediate
- Take the cucumber and lie down on your bed. Hold
the cucumber in your fist, pointing straight up. Position your head
over it and, bobbing up and down, ram it down your throat for 10
minutes. Pretend you really like doing it.
Advanced
- This requires a friend's help. Fill a water
pistol with a mixture of warm milk and lemon juice. Have your
friend hold the pistol at waist height as you kneel down and begin
throating it. At an unspecified time (but no sooner than 5
minutes), your friend should, without warning, fire the pistol as
fast as possible, ideally while holding your head in
place.
Expert
- Wedge the cucumber between the seat and the back of the
front seat of the Chevette. Sit in the passenger side and lean over
until you can take the cucumber in your mouth. Have your friend
move the seat forward until your head is stuck, painfully,
underneath the steering wheel. Go to it, you sexy thing. For a real
challenge, replace the water pistol with a garden hose and see how
far you can get it down your throat before your friend abruptly
spins the faucet wide open.
Obviously these are simplistic versions of
the acts involved, but they can give you a real perspective on the
physical challenges your lover must overcome. Following these
exercises can give you a glimpse into the burdens that accompany
your pleasures, and encourage you not to take your lover for
granted. You’ll appreciate your lover, and what they do for you,
and through this appreciation can develop a true understanding and
consideration of your lover’s wants and desires even as they begin
to truly understand your own.
Okay, I admit it. I really wrote this whole
thing in the hopes that someday your wife will come home and find
you humping the couch screaming, “Do me, Conan!” at the top of your
lungs.
-------------------------
You May Now
Kiss the Brides
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today
in the presence of this company to join together Jackie, Kathryn,
Emil, Eric, and Steve in the holy bonds of matrimony.
This ceremony represents their desire to
publicly proclaim their love for one another, and their devotion to
a relationship that is far beyond that of friend, companion, or
even lover. They wish to marry, in the eyes of their family and
friends, in the eyes of God, Gaia, the Buddha-nature in all of us,
and the absolute absence of any higher power, respectively. Theirs
is not a shallow love, but a love tested by time and hardships
until it is tempered and true and able to withstand all trials,
except for Eric who just moved in last month.