***
Thirty! Time for some serious deep-dishing!
I get up on my knees and ram it home. Jesus! Damn, that feels good!
I stop immediately cuz I could feel my balls tightening up and I
know if I shot off that fast she’d be mad. Um, um… third baseman?
No, no, math, do math. Eleven times eleven is a hundred and
twenty-one, eleven times twelve is… jeez, I'm not gonna make
it…
***
Finally he began to move, with an aching
slowness that allowed me to feel every ridge and valley on that
blessed invader. Back and forth, maddeningly slow, until out of
desperation at my own condition I began to rise against him,
arching my hips and lunging to meet him as he descended. Ah, sweet
heaven, I cannot describe the sensations as he silently taught me
the ways of being a woman! Striving together to bring each other
such pleasures as we could never achieve apart! My blood sang in my
veins and crashed in boiling waves in my brain as we clung to each
other with our arms and legs and minds. Just as I could hold back
no longer I gazed deeply into his fevered eyes and saw his passion
ready to release. Suddenly he moved with a terrifying intensity,
thrusting into me with maniac strength, finally driving me over the
edge of insanity and into the screaming abyss.
***
Oh shit, I'm losing it! I was okay 'til she
started moving, goddamn, here it comes… ah yeah! Yeah! Fuck yeah!
Yeah! Take it you bitch! Unh!
***
Sweet merciful God! Ah! My mind explodes
into a thousand scintillating bits as the universe pours itself
into me and fills me with power and heat and searing hot liquid. I
am the earth, fecund and new and rolling with volcanic explosions,
and lightning has struck me, again and again, to create life! When
the sensations finally fade after a thousand years, I looked up to
see my demon lover gazing at me with a boyish grin and a lover's
sure knowledge. I threw my arms around him and held him tight, at
once embarrassed that any person could have such perfect control
over my body and mind, and filled with delight that it was this man
and that we were now together for eternity.
***
Damn, that was good. Jeez. Maybe now we can
skip all that dating shit and get straight to the humping from now
on.
Wonder what's on TV?
-------------------------
Chapter and
Perverse
I'd like to talk about sexual perversity,
the scourge of our society. I am completely and totally against all
manners and categories of sexual perversity and I hereby call upon
all of our upstanding citizens to…
What? Oh, no, you can still
do that if you want. That too. There? Yes, I don't mind if you want
to stick it in there, as long as he doesn't. Excuse me? Oh, sure,
whip the hell out of her, consensually, if you please. No, no, you
misunderstand me. I'm talking about
perversity
.
perversity
(
per-vûr´sî-tê
) noun 1. The quality or
state of being perverse, deliberately acting against others. 2. An
instance of being perverse, obstinately persisting in an error or a
fault; wrongly self-willed or stubborn.
No Particular Dictionary, It's All
Good
I don't care what you do with your bodies,
or even your partner(s)'s body/ies, provided everything is
consensual all around and you leave a tip. But it's those damn
little sexual perversities that get me riled. And don't tell me
that these are just coincidences. Ha! That's what they WANT you to
believe!
Here's some examples:
* Cats and small dogs are oddly attracted to
thrashing humans and always always always pick the precise wrong
time to suddenly lick your face or check out that fascinating
smell.
* Small children always break in and try to
interfere (“You're killing mommy!”)
* Older children will come home while you're
helplessly pushing the dinner table centerpiece around with your
head. And they'll bring their friends unexpectedly.
* When you most need it to be up, it won't
be. Begging doesn't help. Neither does screaming, crying, thinking
about Drew Barrymore or even having one more beer, “to take the
edge off.”
* When you most need it to be down, it won't
be. There is absolutely no polite way to explain or adjust a
recalcitrant erection during, say, a christening.
* Most small car shock absorbers can't
absorb as many shocks as you'd think
* Condoms can sense ovulation and become
correspondingly weaker. Condoms never break under rigorous testing
procedures but let them sniff one egg and pop goes the weasel.
* When your rhythm is perfect, when you're
both rushing towards the end, when you're slamming your parts
together frantically, harder and harder, that will be when it slips
out and tries to make a new entrance with varying degrees of
success.
* If you're giving a blowjob and you pull
away to say something, you'll get it in the eye. Scientific fact,
it's been proven in one laboratory test after another.
* Pockets of gas that would have waited for
nature to take its course during any other times are remarkably
insistent during intimate moments, and they’re always louder than
usual.
* No matter what the
duration of the encounter may be, your fingers/tongue/jaw will
always cramp and wear out at the
exact
instant
that your lover was about to go
over the edge.
* It doesn't matter how well you hide your
vibrator, it will always make a surprise appearance at the most
potentially life-ruining moment possible, such as your mom visiting
or your new boyfriend coming over. If your boss is over and your
vibrator makes a surprise appearance, it will still be wet, and
possibly still be running.
* When unexpected guests spot your
unexpected sexual aid, it will never be the elegant and beautiful
toy you use 99% of the time. It’ll be the foot-and-a-half monster
one with purple veins that your friends bought you as a gag
gift.
* You will never be able to get out of the
knots as fast as you thought you could, and now your priest will
never visit your house again.
* Menstrual perversities are another book by
themselves. At least.
* Your partner is never as ready for that
first surprise spanking as you think they are.
* Whatever remote area you choose for your
romantic outdoor rendezvous will, the next morning, invariably turn
out to be the location of the annual National Boy Scout
Jamboree.
* Mosquitoes are especially cruel to outdoor
lovers - they'll let you almost finish first.
* Your ex-lover will always get a better
next lover than you will.
* Your next lover will always have a better
ex-lover than you do.
* No matter how carefully you hide the
pictures your lover took of you in the hot tub, they will magically
present themselves at your next family gathering. If you lock them
away where they can’t possibly be found, they will show up on the
Internet the next day. It just happens.
* If you were to duck into the bathroom just
as sexual contact was about to commence, you would be able to see
the brand new pimples still forming on your previously smooth lower
regions.
* The day you meet your
“love-at-first-sight” dream mate is also the day you figured no one
would notice if you wore the ratty gray underwear with the ragged
holes and the mysterious jelly stain.
* Don't ever call out names, even if your
memory is perfect. You're just asking for trouble.
* If cramps are alien to you, if
charley-horses never happen, if your back has never in your life go
out on you, they will all happen the first time you make love to
your new love.
* You're watching a porn movie, you've
reached the perfect, save-it-for-last scene and you're about to
pop. Guaranteed you'll lose it just as the scene switches to either
a fake male orgasmic reaction or a house exterior establishing
shot.
* You won't when he wants to, he'll be
asleep when you do.
* UPS, RPS and Federal Express
delivery-people are specially trained to wait until they hear
bedsprings before ringing your bell.
* The phone will always ring 35 seconds
before climax, unless there are extenuating circumstances:
* If it's a salesperson or survey, it'll
come just as everyone involved in the sex act is completely in the
mood
* If it's a friend calling, it'll happen
right in the middle so you have to make a snap decision to either
hang up politely and try to keep going, give it up and finish the
conversation, or keep going while you're talking and hope that they
are somehow oblivious to your obvious state
* If it's your lover calling while you're
with someone else, everything freezes. Everything.
* If it's your mom, it'll happen .05 seconds
before climax. Sorry.
-------------------------
Jim Jackson,
Clitoris Hunter
[Theme song plays as we see images of a
burly man in outback gear fly past us: standing in front of a jeep;
creeping through bushes outside a beauty salon; rappelling down the
side of a cliff; crawling across the roof of a sorority; working
his way across a chest-deep river; moving stealthily through a mall
disguised as a cellular phone booth, etc. Final scene is the show's
logo, swooping in from above: Jim Jackson, Clitoris Hunter! A
departure from the usual logo, this one has “Celebrity Edition!”
added to the bottom. The logo rushes towards us and we zoom through
the “o” in clitoris to see today's show. Jackson is standing on a
sidewalk outside an elegant restaurant, wearing a red vest, black
pants and white shirt buttoned to the neck. He is still unshaven,
wearing his trademark Australian bush hat.]
[sounds of traffic]
JIM:
G'day, and welcome to “Clitoris Hunter.” I'm Jim Jackson, and
tonight we'll be going after a particularly tasty specimen -
Academy Award-nominated actress Jacqui Harmony, star of “The Last
Barhopper” and Disney's “Gargantua and Pantagruel.” Now, as you
know, approaching a big star requires confidence, stealth, and a
hunter's knowledge of the terrain. I happen to know that tonight
Ms. Harmony will be dining at Chez Frommage here in Los Angeles,
and that's where we are now. My assistant Bill--
BILL:
Hi!
JIM:
--and I have scouted out the area over the last week, hiding
in the bushes and observing the native wildlife, and I believe I
have come upon the ideal camouflage so that I might steal up on
this rising and influential young lady, and bag her.
[sound of car driving up, car door]
Oh, excuse me. Yes sir?
DRIVER 1:
Here ya go. Be careful with it now, it's an
import.
JIM:
Oh, yes sir, I will. Bill, could you…?
[JIM jumps in the car and squeals off.
There is a distant sound of metal crumpling against something large
and unyielding]
BILL:
Jim is now parking the man's car, both to cement his disguise
and to help defray the costs of our show. Here he comes
now.
JIM:
(out of breath)
Right. We should be
seeing her any moment now…
[Another car drives up]
Oh Christ.
DRIVER 2:
Hi, here ya go. Hey, what's up with that car over
there?
JIM:
Ah, which one, sir?
DRIVER 2:
The one that's on fire?
JIM:
Irritable bowel syndrome, you never know when it'll strike.
Thank you ma'am, enjoy your meal. Be right back.
DRIVER 2:
Oh my god…
[She watches, horrified, as Jim peels
off]
BILL:
Any moment now we'll see Jim's remarkable tracking skills in
action as he tries to accurately locate Jacqui Harmony's clitoris.
Wait! Wait, I think I see… yes! It's Jacqui Harmony now, with her
current boyfriend and the co-star from her latest movie
Not My Proctologist
, Lucas
Fromm. Jim better hurry if he wants to… Here he comes! Ooh, this is
going to be tricky!
JACQUI:
Hi, park it somewhere close, would you?
BILL:
Yes ma'am. Um, say, um, could I have an autograph?
LUCAS:
Oh jeez…
JACQUI:
C'mon Luke, gotta be nice to our fans. Thank you, I'd love to.
Your clipboard?
BILL:
Yeah, that'd be…
(coughs, lowers
voice)
ahem, that'd be great. Right
here.
LUCAS:
Bad enough you have to make us late with your damn “I don't
know what to wear, I don't know what to wear!”
J
ACQUI:
(smiling sweetly at
Bill)
Shut up, Luke. I'm really sorry about
this, he's still pissed about the Golden Globes.