Girl Code (13 page)

My whole body stiffened so suddenly that Leo noticed immediately. He stopped kissing my bare shoulder and looked at my face with apprehension.

“Tabitha?” he whispered my name. He knew what was coming. He knew it because he knew me. He knew me so fucking well, better than anyone, even Leslie, so in a way, it wasn’t fair. “Don’t,” he said, trying to sound firm, but his voice carried a small tremor. “Don’t think about it. Baby, please look at me.”

A long, shuddering breath left my body as I put my hands on his chest and shoulder and pushed. He moved off of me, but when I sat up, he took my face into his hands. He looked scared, like I was about to rip his life away from him.

“Tabitha, don’t.” The tremoring was more pronounced and I felt…god, I felt terrible, but I was also frightened and bursting with guilt and shame.

“You…you have to go,” I whispered. My tears fell unchecked, but I didn’t really try to hold them back.

I stood up and searched the room for my shirt with my arms crossed over my chest.

“Tabitha, stop fucking pushing me away,” Leo said, also on his feet. His voice was still on the shaky side, but it was also laced with anger.

I found my shirt and slipped it on quickly. I used the sleeves to wipe away my rapidly falling tears.

“It was a mistake,” I managed to say, looking at his feet because I could not look into his wounded eyes. “I’m sorry, but it was a mistake and you have to go.”

“It wasn’t a mistake,” he said sharply. When he moved toward me, I backed myself into a corner like a small, helpless animal. “Tabitha…” His voice broke.

“Please, I’m sorry, but you have to go,” I sobbed. “I was wrong, we were wrong. She’ll never forgive me.” Never ever—she’ll never, ever forgive me.

He was silent for a long time, but I knew he was still in the room with me, even though my eyes were covered by my hands. I knew because I could smell him, that wonderful scent that usually calms me, and I knew because I could feel him. My whole body still tingled, was still charged by his presence.

Finally, when he spoke, there was a hard edge to his voice. It sliced through me, sharp and injurious.

“If I go this time, I’m not coming back. This is fucking torture. I want you, Tabitha, for the rest of my life, and I know you want me, too. You said it, you said you loved me.”

“What I feel is...it doesn’t matter what I feel,” I said weakly. “What matters is Leslie.”

“Fuck Leslie!” he yelled so loudly that my head snapped up and I met his hurt and angry eyes.

“You don’t understand!” I shouted at him. “You don’t get it.”

“I love you,” he said desperately. “That’s what I get, that’s what I understand. You love me and I get that, too. What I don’t get is why Leslie is any part of us. I know she is your best friend and I know she will be hurt, but she and I were never meant for each other and she knows that. She said that to me when we broke up, Tabitha. If she really loves you as much as you clearly love her, she will not interfere and she will try to support you. What I had with Leslie was nice at times, but she was right, we didn’t belong together. You and I belong together. This is real. This—” He pointed at the floor between us. “—is our real world. We belong together.”

My shoulders shook with the force of my weeping. Leo stepped toward me, looking stricken and helpless as he watched me, but I put my hand up to make him stop. I shook my head and he deflated. He looked like I just put my fist into his chest and ripped out his heart, his lungs, and everything he needed to exist.

“I won’t come back this time,” he said, his voice remarkably calm considering the expression on his face. “I will never come back for you. Is that what you want?”

No, but I had done enough damage already.

I nodded so slightly, I wasn’t sure that he saw it, but his face stiffened again. He had seen it. He got his answer.

He said nothing more before walking out of my bedroom. A few seconds later, I heard the front door open and slam shut. I knew he was really gone then. My body became grounded and dull and I was pretty sure my heart slowed to a lifeless, dead stop.

Chapter Eight

One year after I forced Leo out of my life, I met Xander. Well, I didn’t meet Xander as much as I acquainted myself with him. We passed each other on campus over the years, but we never actually spoke besides the obligatory pleasantries if we happened to be in close proximity.

During the summers, the student population was significantly less than the fall and spring semesters. I didn’t carry a full schedule during the summers, but I still took an extra class or two so that I could finish my classes ahead of schedule and have more time to work until I officially got my degree. When I wasn’t in class, I was working at either the school library or a small diner not far from campus. That summer, Xander started coming in every morning for breakfast. He was always alone and seemed content to be alone as he sipped his coffee and read his newspaper. Whenever I’d stop by his table for a refill or to take away empty dishes, we would chat. I liked listening to him talk. He had a fading British accent that I liked to hear. He had moved out of England when he was eight, but he had not completely shaken the accent.

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” he said one day after about two weeks. He slid out of his booth and handed me a few folded bills.

“I’m off tomorrow,” I said with a happy sigh. “From both jobs and no classes.”

His eyebrows had popped up over his light brown eyes, and a warm smile spread across his handsome face.

“You know what that means, right?” he asked me.

“That I can wear my ugliest pajamas all day long without shame?”

He laughed. I smiled. I liked his laugh. It was rich and deep, but not so loud that it drew the attention of others.

“It means that I don’t have to eat breakfast alone tomorrow,” he said, watching me with a light smile.

I understood his meaning immediately. Man, he was cute. His blond hair was dark and wavy and he had dimples in his cheeks when he smiled. Dimples! He had an average build, but I liked his look.

“No, you don’t have to eat breakfast alone.” I smiled.

His grin was heartwarming. “I’ll see you here tomorrow morning, same time I always come in.”

He had started to walk away, but I stopped him with a gentle touch to his arm. “Xander?”

He looked at me expectantly.

“Can we meet at Denny’s instead? I really don’t want to come into work on my day off.”

He chuckled and patted my hand. “Sure. See you tomorrow morning at eight a.m. at Denny’s.”

After I had cleared off his table, I unfolded the money he had given me and was surprised to find a small note folded inside.

“Tabitha, I’ve been coming in here every day for two weeks eating these crappy pancakes, trying to get up the nerve to ask you out. Really, the pancakes are disgusting, but when I sit down you have my order memorized and you say ‘Good morning, Xander. Are you having your usual?’ and I like hearing you say that while you’re smiling at me and pouring me a cup of that god-awful coffee. I like our little routine, even if the food sucks. Maybe we can eat sucky food together someday?

Xander”

I laughed, hard and loud, and people were definitely looking at me. I laughed so hard that tears came to my eyes. It was the first real laugh I’d had in a very long time. I folded the note and tucked it into my pocket.

It was time for me to take a break, which usually consisted of a cup of the ‘god-awful’ coffee and a mediocre blueberry muffin, but when I was about sit down in my usual spot in the corner, I glanced out into the parking lot after a clap of thunder sounded nearby. It was pouring outside and I almost missed the rather familiar car. It was Xander’s car. I had seen him getting in and out of it almost every day for two weeks. It had only been a few minutes since he walked out, but I expected him to be gone already.

I don’t know what possessed me to do what I did next, but I left my coffee and muffin at the table, grabbed the umbrella I had stowed behind the front counter when I came in that morning, and dashed outside into the storm. As I dashed to Xander’s car, the passenger’s door was thrust open. I halted and stared for a moment. Did he see me coming?

I made my feet move and without thinking about it too much, I closed the umbrella and slid into the seat and closed the door. I looked over at Xander, who was looking at me with an amused expression.

“What are you doing out here in this rain?” he asked, shaking his head.

Oh, god. I didn’t know what I was going to say when I got out here.

I cleared my throat and fidgeted with my thick braid. “I’m on my break.”

“Yeah? So, why are you out here on your break?”

“I guess I’d rather be out here than in there drinking a cup of god-awful coffee.”

He sighed. “It really is the most disgusting coffee around.”

I laughed, and then he laughed.

“Denny’s pancakes will be good,” I promised.

His shy smile made my heart pitter-patter. My heart had not pitter-pattered since Leo had been around…

“How long do you have for your break?” Xander asked.

“I have another twenty minutes.”

“A lot can happen in twenty minutes,” he said as he put his hand on the back of my seat and leaned toward me.

“Like what?” I asked as my breath caught in my throat.

He stared at me intently and I was suddenly feeling rather giddy, but I bit my lip to keep myself from giggling.

“We can discuss why the hell the food here is so terrible and how the place manages to stay open,” he said with a big grin.

I laughed again.

We talked for the rest of my break, but we didn’t wait for breakfast. I went to his apartment that night and after that, we were always together.

“I can’t believe you’re moving three thousand miles away,” Leslie said a little more than a year later.

Just before our one-year anniversary, Xander proposed and asked me to move to San Francisco with him. He had been offered a job there a couple of months before, and I was so sure that our relationship would come to an end. I wanted him to take the position, but I didn’t think I had what it took to be a part of a coast-to-coast relationship. Fortunately, I didn’t have to find out whether I had it or not.

“It’s exciting, and scary,” I said to my old friend.

We were sitting in my bedroom at my parents’ house. I was there for a week, getting myself sorted before my big move. Our relationship was still very strained, but surprisingly, they all seemed genuinely disappointed that I was moving so far away.

“I can’t believe you’re engaged either,” Les said, shaking her head. “I don’t even know him. It feels weird that I don’t know your fiancé.”

“You just met him before he flew out three days ago,” I said as I taped up another box.

“Yeah, but I don’t know him really. I just know what you tell me when we talk.”

Which wasn’t very often. I was losing her a little more each day to her new life and new friends. My guilt for what happened between me and Leo still clung heavily to me, and I still believed losing her was some kind of punishment. I had tried to tell her about Leo three times, and each time she had cut me off and changed the subject. It almost felt like she knew what I was going to say and didn’t want to hear it, but that was impossible. Only Leo and I were aware of what happened between us and I doubted that Leo told anyone.

I looked at her, taping up one of my boxes, and knew that I had to at least try to tell her again, even though I was clearly past it. I guess I was past it. I was engaged to another man and about to start a new life with him.

“Les,” I said a little while later.

“Hmm?” She was distracted as she thumbed through our old yearbook.

“There’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” I said as nervousness began to creep up. “We should have had this conversation a long time ago, really.”

She looked at me. It felt like her blue eyes were seeing right through me.