Authors: LD Davis
“What the fuck were you thinking, Kelly?” Dad asked gruffly as he rubbed his forehead between his thumb and forefinger. I was under the impression he had asked her this question several times before I arrived. The hysterical laughter was cut off before it began when Dad dropped the F-bomb. I had only ever heard him say damn or hell, never anything worse than that, and never directed at my mother. Their relationship was…I don’t know…they weren’t affectionate, at least not that I knew of, but they had a very amicable relationship. He always treated her with respect and honor.
He looked at her again. The fury was still there, but disappointment, sadness, and confusion also shown on his face. “What the fuck were you thinking?” he asked again.
I looked at my mom. I wanted to know, too. I wanted to know what the fuck she was thinking. I also wanted to know where the fuck Tack was. Why the fuck wasn’t he there to deal with the fuckery he had fucking caused.
The hysterical laughter threatened again and I actually had to pinch my lips together to keep myself quiet.
“He doesn’t mean to hurt us,” Mom said with a trace of desperation in her voice. “He’ll get better, Theo. It’s just a phase. It’s just a phase and he’ll pull himself together soon and he’ll pay us back. I know he will. Tack’s a good boy.”
“A good boy?” I finally spoke up. I looked at her with disbelief. “He’s not five, Mom. He didn’t steal a candy bar from the grocery store. He’s twenty years old and he stole thirty thousand dollars.”
“I know that, Tabitha,” she snapped at me. She was ready to spit more words in my direction, but my dad cut her off.
“Kelly, you went behind my back and borrowed from our 401K to cover Tack’s tracks. Did you think about those consequences? Did you think about the money you took away from our future? More importantly,” he said, putting his hands on his hips, “did you think about Tabitha and her future? A large portion of the money Tack took was meant for her education.”
Oh
. I inhaled deeply as it dawned on me. Tack had scholarships to pay for his education, and the money my parents had originally set aside for him was used for his medical bills and one and a half stints in rehab. I was sure that I could nail down a decent scholarship or two for school, but nothing was for sure, and it went without saying that I’d still need financial help. My dad had never wanted Tack or I to be stuck with financial aid bills that we would never be able to pay off, but my mom and Tack pretty much screwed me.
My odd urge for neurotic laughter was gone and replaced with anger. I glared at my mom and waited for her to answer my dad.
She looked at me with maybe a flicker of regret, like maybe she was a little sorry, but not really. Turning her eyes back to my dad, she said, “Well, we can still help her a little, and there are financial aid and scholarships. She can get a job.”
I didn’t mind having to get a job, and if we couldn’t afford my education just because we were poor or because the money had to be spent on a mortgage, car payments, and other costs of living, I would understand. I would be the first in line at the financial aid counter, but that wasn’t the case. My mother’s blind love for my brother extended to no one else, not even her own daughter.
God that hurt. It tore into me like a sharp blade, chopping away at my insides.
“Kelly, it’s not just her education!” Dad yelled, making me jump. “You have completely scrambled our resources, do you not understand that? Do you not see what you have done? It’s not just thirty grand gone, Kel. The money you took from the 401K, the loan you took out behind my back, and I’m sure that Tack will have to go back to rehab any day now.”
My eyes bulged. “She took a loan out?”
Dad picked up a stack of papers off of the table and started throwing them, physically tossing them at my mom.
“Our crippled savings, a fifteen thousand dollar loan, and a horde of credit card bills,” Dad said vehemently as the last of the papers floated to the floor at my mom’s feet.
“What did you expect me to do!” Mom shouted. “My son was in pain, Theo!”
“It’s called fucking withdrawal, Kelly!” he shouted back at her as I flattened myself against a wall, blinking back tears.
“It’s painful! It can kill him! Don’t you give a damn about that? And he’s better as long as he has what he needs, he’s better. He doesn’t get upset, he’s not in pain, and he feels better. Why can’t you see that? I would rather give him what he needs than to see him out there on the streets, getting hurt or killed doing something desperate.”
“Maybe he needs to be on the streets,” I said harshly. It hurt me to say that about my brother, but he really wasn’t my brother anymore. He hadn’t been in some time. “Maybe he needs a dose of cold reality. Maybe he needs to know what it’s like when his mommy doesn’t supply him with his nose candy.”
Her brown eyes narrowed on me. “Someday, Tabitha, I pray that you have a child that you love so much that you would do anything for so that you will know how it feels. Maybe then you won’t make such ridiculous suggestions. You have no idea how much…” She clutched at her chest as tears brimmed in her eyes. “…how much you can love a person, and what you’re willing to risk for them.”
The blade pushed in deep and twisted and twisted and twisted. If it were a real blade, I would have been bleeding out, dying on the floor.
“You’re right.” I nodded. “I have no idea, and I have no idea what it’s like to be loved like that, either.”
Her mouth fell open and her eyes widened as if she just then comprehended what she said and what it meant for me.
“Tabitha,” my dad started gently, but I didn’t want to hear it. He was really not much different than my mom; though he didn’t love Tack obliviously in the way that she did, he wasn’t exactly a fan of mine.
“Forget it, Dad,” I said, hitching my backpack further up on my shoulder and straightening my back. I swallowed hard, refusing to cry in front of them. I took a step toward my mom, just one small step. I was about to say something so incredibly horrible, so mean and so heartless, and something so unlike me—but then again, like my brother, I was changing, too. “You go on and keep supporting Tack’s habit. Then when he overdoses and dies you’ll know how it feels to kill someone you love so damn much.”
I didn’t expect it. Not even a little bit. I didn’t even have time to prepare myself or to move because it was so unexpected. My mom moved so fast that even my dad didn’t have time to react before her hand cracked against my cheek—not once, but twice. She hit me so hard that tiny dots of white danced in my vision, and I was literally stunned. I stood there, blinking as my father pulled her away from me. A hand closed over my arm and pulled. I followed without hesitation as the strong hand led me up the stairs and into my room. It was only when the door closed and Leo stood before me did I even remember he had been in the foyer the entire time.
“Shit, Tabs,” he whispered as his fingers trailed over my stinging cheek. “Are you okay? Of course, you’re not okay. Shit, Tabs.”
I stared blankly at him for a few seconds as reality set in. My brother had a serious drug problem. He had stolen tens of thousands of dollars and probably financially crippled my family, and I knew it wouldn’t end there. I knew things would only get worse. And my mother…we never had much of a relationship since she was always focused on Tack, but for the first time in my life, I actually felt like she didn’t like me at all. My cousin Mayson, who I admittedly loved the most between her and Emmy, was just as out of control as Tack, if not worse, and…just gone. Just like my brother, gone. Before the drugs, my brother was…everything. He gave me the love I never got from my parents. He cared for me, protected me, and made me laugh and smile and feel wanted. I adored him, I looked up to him, and I respected him…and all of that was just fucking gone.
I burst into tears and Leo didn’t hesitate before pulling me into his arms. As usual, he smelled like the sea, citrus, and leather; it soothed me just as well as his hands circling on my back.
“I know I’m being stupid for crying like a small child,” I said and tried to pull away.
“Stop,” he said gently and pressed my head back to his shoulder. “You’re not being stupid. You’re scared and you’re heartbroken. You have every reason to cry.”
“I feel…” I struggled not to cry harder, struggled to keep the large wailing sob that was sitting in my chest from breaking free. “I feel so fucking alone here, and my mom…I don’t know what I ever did to her to make her hate me like that.”
I felt Leo stiffen a little, and his voice came out icy at first. “Your mom should have never said any of that shit to you, and I’m not going to tell you it doesn’t matter what she thinks, because it does. She’s your mom. You want her to fucking like you and love you, that’s natural, and she should, but don’t waste any more tears on someone like that. There isn’t anything wrong with you, there is something wrong with her. And, Tabs…” His voice softened again and his body relaxed against mine. “…you’re not alone. Maybe here in this house it may feel like it, but you’re not alone. You have Leslie, and you have me and Sandy and your other friends. You’re going to be okay.”
“Don’t tell me everything is going to be okay when everything is clearly insane,” I argued as more tears streamed down my cheeks, soaking Leo’s shirt. “My mother hates me. My brother is a hardcore drug addict and thief. My dad will probably hide his head back in the sand by the end of the day. Mayson is…god, she’s just so out there right now. She’s going to get hurt or just die, and Emmy is a selfish bitch. Oh yeah, and I don’t have college money or any money really because my mom is a lying, manipulative bitch. Clearly, nothing is going to be okay.”
“I didn’t say that everything would be okay, Tabitha,” Leo said sternly. His arms held me closer, tighter. “I said that
you
will be okay. You are strong and brave and wicked smart, and you have the support of people that do love you.”
I stood up straight and looked into his eyes, my brows pulled together in a question. I was about to ask him if he loved me, like my mouth was open and poised to ask the question when we heard the front door slam. I untangled myself from Leo’s arms and rushed to my window. Tack’s car was parked outside. I didn’t know what I was expecting, but before I could even turn back around, yelling began downstairs. My dad was shouting, Tack was shouting, and my mom was shouting. I always lived in a relatively quiet home. The loudest person in the house was Tack, and that was just because of his large personality. No one ever fought like that before the drugs, and it was scaring the hell out of me, especially with Tack’s newly acquired potential for violence.
I didn’t know I was crying again until Leo came to me and cupped my face in his hands.
“You’re going to be okay,” he said soothingly. “What’s happening down there can’t touch you in here. You are going to be okay.”
Something smashed against a wall downstairs. I looked toward the door with wide eyes and a tight chest.
“No, don’t think about it,” Leo said, gently turning my face back to his.
“I have to go down there.” I was frantic. “Someone can get hurt.”
“
You
can get hurt,” Leo argued.
I didn’t know why I cared. Obviously, none of them cared about me, but I did care and I was scared shitless. The more I listened to the shit-storm downstairs, the harder it was for me to breathe.
“Tabitha, calm down,” Leo said softly, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs.
When I could barely focus on his words, he did, I guess in his mind, the only thing there was left to do short of tying me to a chair. He kissed me.
Lips soft and full pressed delicately against my slightly opened mouth. A tiny, shocked whimper stumbled out of my throat and slipped through my parted lips even as my eyes closed on their own accord. Slowly and firmly, his lips moved against mine as the sounds of fighting downstairs became something that was happening far off in the distance. The curve of my bottom lip was gently tugged between two lightly moistened lips, and I was surprised by how good it felt, and even further surprised by the little moan I let free. I felt like I was falling into a dream. I had that not quite here and not quite there, disoriented feeling. I didn’t know if the shirt my fingers were gripping and twisting was real or not. The pain in my chest had numbed, and I wasn’t sure if it was ever really there. I didn’t even know where I was anymore, because all I saw was darkness and the only thing I could hear was the frantic beating of my own heart.
Tentatively, Leo’s tongue glided into my mouth, testing, tasting, and searching. Reflexively, my own tongue collided with his and that time, the moan came from his mouth. Something very stupid happened then. Mandy Moore’s “Candy” started to play in my head. Candy, sweet, sugary, delicious and addicting. Oh, god,
candy
…candy that I could consume day after day and never tire of it. It was perfection for my mouth, exciting for my taste buds, and made my heart spin and leap and pirouette. And his particular brand of candy was galvanizing, making my entire body tremor with electric power.
My bedroom door slammed open and I was jolted back to reality with a soft, wet noise as our lips pulled apart. Before the horror of what we’d just done could bloom, I took in my brother’s red face and the tears that were falling out of his eyes and everything else was forgotten.
“I’m sorry,” Tack choked out in a sob. “I fucked everything up for you and I’m sorry.”