Glazov (Born Bratva Book 1) (13 page)

Kathleen

Days turned into weeks, and I felt like a part of me had died. Yafon followed me everywhere but told me nothing. Time after time, I’d resisted the urge to pound my fists into his chest and demand an answer. It would do me no good to fill out a missing person report because the police couldn’t care less if my husband had met his demise. I would get more information through Glazov’s branch of the Bratva. The only thing about going that route was they weren’t going to tell me anything until they were ready. I’ve never been a patient person, and all this waiting was bringing out the worst in me.

I kept trying to convince myself I had not fallen in love with him. Unfortunately, my emotional side wasn’t listening to all my logical arguments. I felt broken inside, like someone took a plow and ran it over my heart, leaving nothing but raw flesh in its wake. I ached inside, like there was an empty hole where my soul should be, pulling me into a bottomless vortex of pain, and it wasn’t the good kind of pain I’d come to crave.

I hurt all the time, and it took all my strength just to keep my face impassive and not fall apart when I was in public. Not knowing whether he was dead or alive had my soul in anguish. It felt as if I was in mourning, like I was grieving his death. Day after day, the cycle went round and round. I went from grief to hope, only to be crashed against waves of reality when another day passed without any word from him. I just needed some answers so all this would end. As badly as I hated to admit it, I was a cliché who needed closure.

I believed the reason I’d tried to convince myself that our relationship was nothing more than sex was because it was so taboo. We are taught from the time we are little girls to stay away from troubled men when we grow up. I had watched my mother as she drifted from loser to loser, and I swore I would never be like her.

I knew Glazov wasn’t like that, but I also knew what society said about controlling men. His control over me stemmed from something different though; his control stemmed from his sexual preferences. He enjoyed being dominant in the bedroom, and that dominance crept into other areas of our lives. Though I was a strong, independent woman, it still sexually aroused me to fight against him, to push him into taking me. It was the basis of our sexual chemistry. He had created a hunger in me for rough sex and dominance. Maybe we were wired differently than other people, except there was no
we
now, only
me
.

Every scenario possible ran through my head. He left me for another woman. He was dead. I think Yafon would know if he died, though, and I think he would tell me. Perhaps he is off on some business trip, but why would he keep me in the dark like this? Over and over, my mind tormented me, trying to figure out what happened, but I never got anywhere. I always ended up back at square one with no answers.

I didn’t know what was going on. All I knew was that a part of me had died.

How could he be so cruel as to come into my life like a whirlwind and sweep me off of my feet, only to disappear without a trace?

I hated him. I hated him because he made me love him.

None of this made any sense. I simply could not fathom why he would do this to me.

I got so angry, and I felt beyond stupid when I told myself he would come back for me. How could I be so weak?

My life became a series of days that all ran together. I called it the groundhog effect. I just went through the motions. Without Glazov, there was no longer any passion. He was the only passion I had ever known. He was the only family I had ever had, and he was the only person that had ever been there for me. Where was he?

It was all I could do to function. I felt dead yet anguished. Once again, he had managed to layer emotions so that I was in a constant state of confusion.

Kathleen

“Kathleen, you need to go to the doctor. You can’t go on like this. You don’t sleep, you don’t eat, and you cry all the time. I have already made the appointment for this afternoon. I’ll go with you.”

Robin’s voice sounded distant. I could hear that she was talking, but I was so disconnected from everything that it didn’t matter what she said to me.

This was the first time in a long time I wasn’t mad at her for putting me in this situation. I was so far removed from everything that I just didn’t care anymore. I needed closure. If he was dead, then so be it. I would mourn and move on, but I was caught in neutral like this, unable to move forward without knowing what had happened. Would I read it in a newspaper that he was dead or with another woman?

Closure… Closure… Closure… I ached for closure…

Yafon

I never let the girl out of my sight. I’ve grown to care about her deeply as a friend, but my first allegiance is to my boss.

I can see the poor girl is torn up inside, and it is all I can do to not tell her where my boss is. We are doing what has to be done to keep her safe.

The FBI will never leave her alone now that they know she is connected to Glazov. It is only a matter of time before his enemies catch wind of her, and that could also be detrimental to the girl. I will continue to keep my boss’s location a secret. There is no other choice. I’m only doing what has to be done to keep her safe. Short-term pain for the girl means long-term safety.

There were times I was so angry with my boss for the way he chose to deal with this matter, but trying to talk to Glazov when he has his mind set is like dealing with a brick wall. He makes me as crazy as he makes his woman.

I understood why he was doing what he was doing, but watching the effect it had on his wife was as agonizing for me as it was for her. He wasn’t here to watch her waste away into nothing, but me? I had to watch it first hand, and there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t want to break down and tell her the truth.

Kathleen

I stared at the doctor seated in front of me in disbelief.

“Yes, Kathleen, you are for sure pregnant. You are eight weeks along. You had to have noticed that you missed your periods.”

“I attributed it to stress.”

“Do you want this baby?”

“Absolutely.”

He patted my leg and smiled. “Then let’s get you started on prenatal vitamins and a good healthy diet. I also want to schedule a sonogram, Kathleen.”

I don’t know how to explain it, but news of my child gave me a renewed desire to get on with my life. Glazov was no longer a part of it. He had done one good thing, though. He had given me a reason to forget him, and now I would make a life for my child and me. If the bastard wasn’t dead, he would soon wish he was because it would be a cold day in hell before I ever let him near me or my baby now. He had abandoned us for no good reason. There was never a good reason to abandon your family, and that’s what he had done. Suddenly, I felt as if I had something I hadn’t had in a very long time. I was taking back control of my life.

I eyed Yafon in the mirror as he drove. “I don’t need you anymore, Yafon. I’m pregnant, and I have no time for a man who would leave his wife and child. I will get an annulment as quickly as I can arrange it. Drop me off at my house.” I breathed in deeply and took a moment to gather my thoughts before I made my next statement. “You’ve been really nice to me, a good friend. I don’t want to be rude to you or to take what Glazov has done out on you. Thank you for all that you’ve done. I’ll always consider you a friend. I just need to close this chapter of my life and make a new beginning for my child and me.”

It felt good to say that, to take control of my life. It was time to move on. For the first time in a month, I slept well and wasn’t plagued with thoughts of Glazov.

I slept in my own home. I slept surrounded by my own things and with my dear, sweet baby tucked safely away in the comfort of my womb. This was our home. It was the place that I would offer
my
child security, warmth, and love. I would get an annulment so my baby didn’t have to grow up with the last name of a gangster. There wasn’t a judge in the country who wouldn’t grant me an annulment after I told my story.

Once again, life was good…