Sybil and Beryl come to the hospital with Marcia and Auntie. And they love the baby and fuss her.
‘What we going call her?’
And I say, ‘Esther.’
‘What, after Mama?’ I just smile. And Marcia smile back, a genuine warm-hearted smile, which is the first time she do that since I can’t remember when.
Marcia got the baby rocking in her arms whispering to her, ‘Baby Esther, this is your Aunt Marcia, remember that.’
When we get back to the house Marcia tell me that Mama and Babs coming to town to see me. ‘They hear the baby come and they going tek the bus from Savanna-la-Mar tomorrow.’
I can’t tek in what she saying to me.
So she say, ‘I send them a telegram.’
I wait a minute and then I say, ‘I write her a letter yu know, but she never write back to me.’
‘That was because yu never say nothing to her and she didn’t know what she should be saying to you.’
‘Yu know ’bout it?’
‘She tell me in a letter I get little while back.’
‘Yu been writing to her? Since when?’
Over the top a the baby in her arms she say, ‘Since I run from Miss Vilma and yu send me back and I didn’t have nobody to tell how I feel so I start write to her.’
‘And she write back?’ Marcia just nod her head.
‘She never ask yu nothing ’bout how come I nuh write to her?’
‘I tell her yu busy and that yu say for me to keep her up to date.’
‘Yu tell her everything that gwaan?’
‘No, but she not no fool, Gloria. That is one thing she is not.’
When Mama come I realise that it was fourteen years since I see her. And in truth she almost look like a stranger to me. So much had happened in that time. I wasn’t a child no more. I was a woman living a life completely different from the one she knew or the one I expected.
She come in the house and hug and kiss Marcia but she didn’t know what to do with me. She just stood there across the room with the little gifts in her hand and never take one step towards me. All she do was reach out her arm until Auntie come and take the things from her and she turn and throw herself ’round Auntie in a genuine act of gladness at the sight of her.
When they finish I just say, ‘Thank yu for coming Mama.’
And she say, ‘Yu all right? Di baby all right?’
And I say, ‘Yes.’
And that was it. The moment was gone because the next thing I know she was sitting down with the coffee cup in her hand and Beryl was serving cake.
Auntie proud-proud. She ‘Esther this and Esther that’. Every little thing Esther do she want show and tell. Plus with Marcia, Sybil and Beryl it some gathering of women that is for sure.
Late evening Mama come out on the veranda when I out there taking in some night air. She sidung there in the dark with me and for some long time she nuh say nothing.
So I say to her, ‘Yu all right?’
She breathe three slow deep breath and then she say, ‘I not going ask yu no question ’bout what gwaan here all these years. I reckon if yu wanted me to know the two a yu would a tell me by now. It enough for me to see that yu alive and well and got yuself a good home. I not even going ask yu ’bout the baby papa. That is your business. I would be the last one to talk ’bout who is anybody papa.’ She stop.
So I ask her, ‘Yu want me to fetch yu something cool to drink?’
‘No, I want yu to just sit there a minute and listen to me.’ She pause. Then she say, ‘Yu a mother now, Gloria, to a beautiful baby girl that yu pleasure me by calling Esther. So I thank yu for that. It is a honour. Truly.’ She wait a little before she carry on. ‘Being a mother is a very important thing. Yu know that? It is a very special bond yu have wid that little one. She is your life now.’
‘What all this about Mama?’
‘Bear wid me.’ I wait.
‘Yu know how yu always use to joke ’bout Marcia being my favourite daughter? Well, she not my favourite, but she was my first born.’
I turn full ’round and face her in the half-light coming from the street lamp.
‘I raise yu like my own, but yu not.’
My mind was swirling. ‘Yu mean after all these years yu going tell me that somebody else my real mama?’
‘Gloria, I didn’t born yu but yu as much mine as if I did.’
‘So who born me?’
She move her head like she motioning inside the house. But I cyan see what she doing in the dim light, so I get up and walk over to her.
‘What yu just do wid yu head?’
And she just say, almost in a whisper, ‘It Auntie.’
The whole a me freeze to the spot. And then I just say to her, ‘I don’t believe yu.’
‘I wouldn’t mek up a thing like that, Gloria. Why would I do that? I telling yu now because I think it time. Yu have little Esther now and I think yu will understand why it important that yu know. Is Auntie that the real grandmother, not me. She deserve to have that blessing, especially now the two a yu in the house together wid the baby. Yu cyan understand that?’
I stare at her firm and hard like maybe if I look with enough conviction I would be able to see the truth.
‘Why she nuh keep me?’
‘That is for you and Auntie. She got to be the one to explain everything to yu.’ She wait and then she say, ‘She had her reasons I can tell yu that.’
‘So the day yu tell me my papa die, who was that?’
‘That was yu papa for real, Gloria. But yu have to talk to Auntie ’bout that.’
When I go back inside I didn’t say nothing to nobody. I just look at Auntie with the baby in her arms and she look back at me like nothing different, so I wonder if she know ’bout what Mama tell me on the veranda. And then she shift her eyes off me and start talk to Beryl and I think to myself that one day I will be ready to ask her all the questions that only now is coming into my head. But that day is not now. That day I got to prepare for.
A week later after everybody go back to country Pao turn up. He bring some peanut brittle but since Esther only two weeks old I think maybe it for me so I just say thank yu and I rest it on the table.
He stand there like a loose end and then he say, ‘I glad to see yu get yuself some help anyway.’
‘What yu talking ’bout?’
‘The old woman there.’ And he motion his head toward the kitchen.
‘Yu mean Auntie?’
‘That what yu call her? Well whatever, good yu have some help.’ And after a while he say, ‘Especially with the baby and all.’
Then he walk over to the cot and peer into it with his hands hold firm behind his back.
‘Baby girl, eh?’
‘Yes.’
He stand there a minute looking at her and then he sit down.
‘Yu want pick her up?’
He think on it and then he say, ‘No, it OK. She sleeping sound.’ After that he think some more and say, ‘I don’t know nothing ’bout babies, Gloria. It best you be the one to do wid it.’
‘Yu don’t have to know nothing. Yu just sit there and I will rest her in your arms.’
So he reposition himself fixed and steady in the chair and hold out his arms. I pick up the baby and place her head in the crook of his elbow and he sit there as still as a statue with that same concentration I see before on his tai chi face. And then he start to cry. Just a slow little trickle that was running down his cheek.
‘So this is our baby eh, Gloria? You and me. I never dreamed in my life I could make anything so beautiful.’
Then he tek his little finger and put it near her lips and she open her mouth and draw it in and suck. He sit there looking down at her almost like his heart wasn’t even beating except I could see that it was. It was. Beating, and full of a joy he never could have imagined.
‘Did yu ever think a this, Gloria? All them years back?’
‘No.’
‘Me neither.’
And it was then, with him sitting there holding Esther in his arms and crying, that I see the love that was in him and feel the contentment that was in me and realise that regardless of what happen before me and him had created one perfect moment.
The next week I feel bad when Henry tell me that Fay have a baby boy but the labour hard. I was ashamed of the meanness of my thoughts towards her laying up there in the private hospital. Because the way Henry tell it she had blood pressure so bad they start think she going get epileptic. And she was pushing but the baby breech and wasn’t coming and finally when he mek it, the child blue from head to toe. And how the doctor think the two of them was going die. And how they have to call another doctor to come sew her up because she tear so bad. It made me feel guilty that Esther come so easy. And for the first time I actually feel sorry for her, Fay.
When Pao come by he say he call the baby boy Xiuquan after Zhang Xiuquan.
So I say, ‘That is good to honour Zhang like that. He been like a true father to yu.’
‘Zhang been everything to me. Ever since I was a boy. I owe him.’
‘I know that.’
‘If it wasn’t for Zhang I wouldn’t be nobody.’
So I just say it again, ‘I know that.’ And I think to myself that baby, being a boy and name after Zhang, and from his legal married wife, always going mean more to him than little Esther, sleeping so sound in her cot.
Two years since Esther born and Pao still come over the house. But not so regular. It a different thing now because since Esther come I reckon it time for him to stop paying. That was my way to make it more like family.
‘Stop paying? Yu sure that is what yu want?’
‘Yes, I sure.’
He think a little while and then he say, ‘That mek things different between us.’
And with his back to me and the money in his hand, he reach into his pocket for the roll he always carry and fold the bills back on to the wad. Then he turn to face me and say, ‘Yu still going tek other customers?’
‘Pao, I not been doing that for a very long time. That was how come I know for sure Esther was your baby.’
He want to smile but he stop himself. And then he turn ’round and walk out and just as he reach the door he say, ‘It wouldn’t a matter yu know. She your baby and that is good enough for me.’
But even so, he can’t hardly bring himself to pay Esther no mind. He don’t even seem to notice how she growing into a bright and cheerful little girl. And how she happy to see him every time he set foot in the house. Rushing up to him with her arms outstretched like she expecting something. And how, if yu tek away her black skin, is him she resemble not me, with the little nose and pout ’round her mouth. All he can manage is to say a good morning or afternoon to her. That is all.
Me, he happy to talk to ’bout how excited he is because the newly crown Queen Elizabeth coming to Jamaica for two days on her way to Australia and he done get a invitation to some big reception at Kings House for Fay’s mama and her little sister to go meet her. Why he think I should care about any of this I don’t know. Especially since I tell him right after he go marry Fay that I didn’t want to hear nothing about her.
I intrigued by the high society he moving in though, so I say to him, ‘Where yu get the invitation?’
And he say, ‘Clifton Brown.’
‘Yu mean the police sergeant?’
‘What is it wid you and this policeman?’
‘What yu mean?’
‘What I mean? Every time I mention the man it like yu jumping on hot coals. Yu nuh know that?’
I think on it and then I say, ‘I just don’t understand how come you and him so tight.’
‘What did I say to you? I say I would get that man to do a thing or two for me. That is what I say and that is what I do. And all that hullabaloo over Ho and the mix-up in North Parade and everything else. Gone. Every little misunderstanding taken care of. That is Clifton Brown doing his job fighting corruption downtown. Handy and reliable, that is Clifton. Plus, he know how to keep his mouth shut. So that mek him just about the most perfect policeman yu could have the good fortune to come across.’ And then he start strutting ’round the room like he vex with the conversation. ‘Anyway, what is it to you?’
I don’t feel like I want to say nothing to him so I just let the silence rest between us.
Then he say, ‘How Esther doing?’
‘She fine.’
‘Good.’ And just so, he turn ’round and leave.
Esther is fine all right with Auntie doing everything for her. She need feeding, changing, putting down to rest, soothing, entertaining, Auntie is here. And in between seeing to the baby she is cooking and shopping and cleaning and doing everything that need doing.
I say to her, ‘Auntie, yu want us get some help? Yu don’t have to be taking on to yuself every scrap a everything that need doing yu know.’
‘Yu cyan just leave me to do what meking me happy?’
So I let it pass. I know that she not just doing this for Esther. She doing it to make up for all the years she wasn’t my mother. All the years she feel she owe me. And I grateful. Because without Auntie it would be just me here trying to be a mother, trying to understand how to make Esther feel like she belong just like how Mama never do for me. But even though Auntie so attentive day to day, I would hate for Esther to think I nuh love her. God forbid that she should grow up like me, feeling alone and deserted. So every night when I say goodnight to her and wish her a peaceful sleep I bend over and stroke her hair and whisper ‘I love you’ and hope she will remember that sound in her ear for as long as she lives. And know that I love her. Love her with such a determination that I will never give up. Not like what Auntie do to me.