After that, Sybil join the local PNP group and she start go down the local kindergarten school one afternoon a week to sit with the little ones and help them with their reading and writing.
‘Yu want come wid me?’
‘Sybil, I not hardly got no schooling. And even that was shameful wid me meking a laughing stock a myself every time I open my mouth.’
‘Yu know enough to sit with a five-year old.’
I think on it and then I say, ‘You gwaan. I got no intention a going down there to mek a fool a myself.’
‘Of the rarest Chinese jade.’
Henry say Yang Pao been visiting the house up Lady Musgrave Road.
‘Yu mean your house?’ And he nod. ‘What he doing up there?’
‘Visit with Fay, or more like, Cicely.’
‘What yu mean?’
Henry wait. I can tell he not happy ’bout what he got to say. So even before I hear it I know I not going like whatever it is he feel so strong I got to listen to.
‘He visiting with Fay.’
‘Yu say that already.’ But Henry don’t want to say no more.
‘Yu mean visiting? Like in
visiting
?’
And he just say ‘Yes.’
‘How long this been going on?’
‘A time, I know that.’
I not going say nothing to Pao. I want him to tell me of his own accord because it seem to me that it should be him that bring up the subject a Fay Wong, not me. But weeks come and weeks go and the months pass by but still there is not a single word from him about Fay. Not a whisper. Not a slip. It as if the woman don’t even exist.
So I turn cool. I not tek no initiative with him. I just let him do what he do. Then one day we laying in the bed and outta the blue he say to me, ‘Did I do something, Gloria? Something wrong, all them years back?’
‘How yu mean?’
‘Something to vex yu?’
‘Vex me?’
‘Why yu mek me start paying yu?’ He pause and then he say, ‘Or was it because I was weak, yu know, crying like I did?’
I look at him leaning up there on his elbow staring down at me with his hand resting on my naked stomach.
‘It wasn’t nothing to do with that.’
‘So what was it to do with?’
‘I tell yu at the time. It was to do with business.’
And even though I could see his mind working on something, he didn’t say nothing else. He just get up and dress himself and reach in his pocket for the money he put on the table.
When he reach the door he turn to me and say, ‘That was well over four years ago and yu telling me that nothing changed in all that time?’
He stand there waiting for an answer that I didn’t have. And then he turn ’round and walk out.
Henry say Pao done ask Miss Cicely if he can marry Fay.
‘Marry Fay!’ I so shocked it mek Henry worried, like maybe he think he shouldn’t a tell me.
So I say, ‘Thank yu Henry.’ But still he anxious and waiting for some other reaction from me. Me, I only feel disbelief that Pao could go and do a thing like that.
‘Where he know her from anyway?’
‘Chinese Athletic Club.’
I let the news sit with me for a moment and then I say, ‘I cyan understand what your daughter would see in a man like Yang Pao.’
‘Is Cicely. Fay not hardly talk to him. That is what maids say anyway.’
I start to mek myself breathe as slow and even as I can because now there is a growing pain in my chest. Tight like I cyan catch no air at all.
‘So yu going let her marry him?’
‘It not up to me, Gloria. Is Cicely decide.’
‘Not Fay?’ And he just shrug his shoulders like the conversation already gone beyond anything he can talk about with any certainty.
So that was it. Miss Cicely say yes and the deal was done. A couple days later when Pao come over the house I blurt it out.
‘Is it true what I hear ’bout you marrying Fay Wong?’ I just say it because I couldn’t tek the shame of standing there while he mek his announcement like it was the news a the year. And he admit it like a schoolboy that the teacher catch cheating in an examination with a look on his face like, ‘Give me the punishment and let it be over.’
‘I can’t marry you, Gloria, you know that.’
‘I didn’t expect you to marry me.’
‘So what you expect?’
‘I didn’t expect you to go marry somebody else.’ And I think to myself, ‘Especially somebody like Fay Wong,’ but I nuh say it. I don’t want to be saying nothing ’bout Fay. I didn’t even want to be hearing her name mention to me ever again, never mind have it pass over my own lips. All he got to say is he got to give his children a name. And I think yu could have give any child we have a name.
I turn away from him and I start cry. I didn’t want to do it. I even mek a promise to myself not to. But it just well up inside a me and it come out no matter how much I try to breathe and swallow it down. When he rest his hand on my shoulder I just shrug it off and tell him to get out because I couldn’t stand to even look at him.
Sybil and Beryl, Marcia and Auntie, none a them surprise.
‘There is only one reason why this thing upset yu so much.’ Sybil drag on her cigarette.
‘And what would that be?’
‘That yu forget yu a whore.’ And then she say, ‘Who going marry a whore when they can marry Fay Wong?’
That night I lay in my bed and I weep. I sob like I never know sobbing before even though I know Sybil right. What man in his right mind would do that, marry a whore? Fay rich, she beautiful, she educated, she light-skin. What I got to offer when yu comparing me with a woman like Fay Wong?
But in truth I didn’t know what I was crying for. It not like I think I wanted to be married to him, or married to anybody come to that. Because what would I do being somebody’s wife? No, it wasn’t that. And in the end through all the tears and commotion that I was muffling into the pillow I realise what it was. It was jealousy. Jealousy that even though I was his first I wouldn’t be his only woman no more. Maybe I wouldn’t even be his woman at all. That was what hurt because I remember how much I miss him that time he stop coming to the house. And it ache me to know that somebody else was going see the funny way he smile and hear the way he laugh from deep down in his belly, even sitting bolt upright in the bed sometimes when something amuse him bad. And how he talk. And that nod. And the singing, sweet and low late at night or early in the morning. And that smooth, smooth skin. But it was more than that because that feeling a jealousy go way back. Back to the time I find Barrington with Marcia and discover that I wasn’t the only one.
A few days later Pao come back and I know what he want because he still nuh understand how it is that I could ask him about Fay before he tell me. But I not about to bring Henry into it, so when I see the car pull up at the kerb I quickly run and shut the door. That way, he got to knock. I tek my time to go open it, and when I get there I just look him up and down and then reach for the handle and close the door in his face. I didn’t even say a word to him. I just leave him standing there and a few minutes later I watch the car disappear down the road.
The next time he come I let him walk in and sit down in the front room. And then I go out. I pick up my purse from the kitchen and walk out the back door and tek myself into town. Not to do nothing in particular, just to walk and call into Times Store for a coffee and browse the counters at Issa’s. I didn’t even buy nothing. I just feel the quality of a piece a cloth, and admire a vase, and try on a pair a shoes in the Bata shop. And then I go see Mr Ho and check how he doing now that the Lynette thing pass him by. He good. Business fine. And that please me.
When I get back to the house Marcia tell me that Pao sit down there for a good hour. Just waiting like he got nothing better to do. And when she tell him I gone to town he so surprised he didn’t know what to do with himself. He just carry on sitting there like maybe he would stay never mind me having no intention a seeing him that day.
The Friday night he show up. He stand in the doorway and just look at me. I see him, but I had no idea what was in his eyes. Whether it was rage or repentance, or sadness or jealousy at me teking a drink and exchanging a few words and a joke with some a the customers.
When I go ’cross the room to hand him the envelope he step outside on to the veranda so I have to follow him. I am standing there with the money still in my hand when he start to complain ’bout how I treat him this week, so I have to tell him how much him marrying Fay Wong hurt me and how it put me in my place as his three-time-a-week whore.
‘Gloria, it not like that. It not like that at all.’ And then he give me some long speech about a beautiful tiger running wild that a man admire and love and how caging the tiger would kill it spirit because it wouldn’t be strong and independent no more, it would just be laying there in the cage waiting for this man to feed and clean and entertain it, and tend it when it sick. And that would be vexing because instead of running free and full of life, the tiger would be lazy. And the man wouldn’t get no pleasure from this tiger no more because it would be dead and he would be the one that kill it.
So I say to him, ‘That is all about you. You ever think that maybe the tiger, as well as wanting to be free, also sometimes want some security and some rest so maybe it don’t have to fret every day ’bout where the next meal coming from or how it going defend itself against everything out there that want to hunt it down. That maybe the tiger want to be able to look forward to some support and company, especially when it getting older and it not so independent, or strong, or beautiful. That maybe the tiger just want some day to find some peace?’
All he say to me is how I don’t need no cage to have all that. I just stand there on the veranda listening to him and the sound of the crickets on the evening lawn, and wondering who I think I am to be punishing him the way I did or talking ’bout peace or company. I fret so much ’bout what I mean to him when it was me that close the door between us. It was me that turn myself into his three-time-a-week whore. Me that tell him, ‘I am what I am.’ Me that had no answer for him when he ask me ’bout what had changed over all these years together. It was me. Because being a whore is what I am in my own head never mind what Yang Pao think.
The wedding happen at Holy Trinity Cathedral on a bright Saturday morning with half a Kingston inside dress up like it a royal coronation, and the other half a the town outside to witness the grandness and splendour. It was a rich do. And even though I didn’t want to, Sybil and the rest a them talk me into going.
‘Yu nuh want to go see it for real?’
No I didn’t. It was already real enough for me. All that tek me there in the end was wanting to see what he look like all suited and respectable on his wedding day. And what Fay would look like. And see the two of them step together outta the front door of the cathedral into the noonday sun. So I go and I see him in the white suit and her in the dress that flowing so much behind it tek two women to run along fixing and fussing every move she mek.
I think, what kinda marriage this going to be? Fay wouldn’t even tek his arm as they walking down the path. They get in the car and I see him gaze out the window up at the white cathedral dome. And then the car move off and I wish I had decide to go do something else rather than stand out there in the street looking at Henry as he watch the car disappear down the road.
They go up to the north coast for the honeymoon and spend a week in a hotel in Ocho Rios that Henry tell me is a most beautiful and peaceful place with it own sandy beach and luscious gardens. It call the Jamaica Inn and Henry say it the place that the American movie stars stay when they up there. Why Henry think I need to listen to all a this I don’t know. It seem like he don’t trust himself to decide what he going tell me and what he not so he just give me everything and hope for the best. Me, I don’t want to hear none a it, and I want to hear it all. Maybe it better to know rather than not even if it pain you. Maybe the pain comforting. At least that way yu know you still feeling something, which is better than feeling nothing at all.
I nuh see Yang Pao for a good month after the wedding. And then one day he just show up at the house. He come in the room with a face on him like he want to smile but he nuh dare do it ’til he see what kinda mood I am in. I wait for him to say something. But his lips cyan move. Then he bring his hand from behind his back and he got a narrow oblong parcel that he open out in his palm to show me.
‘I got this for yu.’ It wrap in some pretty green tissue paper.
‘What is it?’
‘Open it and see, nuh.’ And then he do a smile even though it sorta nervous. I cyan even bother reach out my hand to tek it from him. So he push his arm towards me and motion like gwaan tek it.
‘What yu bring this here for?’
‘Gloria, please. I want to give yu something. Something nice. What is wrong with that? It not like I ever give yu anything before.’
‘And yu think this is the time to do it? After yu go marry Fay Wong?’
He just look at the floor like I tek all the wind outta his sail, and his hand drop a little as his shoulder fall.