‘At least Antoinette was free in her head. She tek di name and she mek it her salvation no matter whether she fit in or she a island like yu say on that plantation in Haiti. You got di name but yu still not free in yu head. Yu still got di chains a slavery wrap ’round yu soul. The chains a all di generations that come before yu and everything that happen to yu since yu born. And even though yu stop yu dirty business this long time back, yu still a slave to it in yu head.
‘The good Lord say we have to repent for di sins we commit and forgive dem that sin against us. But we have to forgive ourself as well for di sins that get commit against us. Nobody ever mention that part, but that, Gloria, is di hardest part. When yu do that, that is when yu will set yuself free. And you, like Antoinette, won’t be no slave no more.’
I sit there looking at her a good long while remembering Ernesto’s letter ’bout having a forgiving heart and then I say, ‘What about you, Auntie? What about the sins that commit against you?’
‘That is another story. A very long story for a different time.’
I go with Esther to see Father Michael and what she want is for me to see how he talk to her. Or listen more like because in truth the Father not saying that much. He just sit there with his hands folded in his lap, and every now and again he ask her a question or repeat back what she just say to him. But it not no question like I would say, ‘How yu doing baby?’ He giving her clues. And the other thing I notice is he talk to her like she smart and got a head on her shoulders. Like she can think for herself. And that is right because Esther older than her years.
So she tell him ’bout the conversation me and her have ’bout the school uniform and such and he say, ‘How did you feel after that? Did you feel listened to?’
‘No, because I never got to say anything I really wanted to.’ He just sit there and nod. And then she say, ‘About how it feels with him not loving me.’
‘And the things the girls said about your mother?’
‘Yes.’ And then she take a sideways glance at me and say, ‘I felt ashamed. And I was angry that they knew and I didn’t.’
He take a hand and stroke his face, round the cheeks and lips and jaw. ‘How, I wonder, would a mother tell a child, especially one of your tender age, a thing like that?’ But the way he say it make it clear he didn’t expect an answer. He was just ruminating on it.
And what I realise is my conversation with her always full of excuses for Pao. Defending him and chastising her. And even though I might be thinking all sorts of things ’bout what a rough time she having and how he could do better, I never say it. All I say is, ‘He is your father and he love you.’
Father Michael is calm. His voice is even and gentle. He not forcing her to accept anything. She can say whatever she want and he will listen to it. And the way he talk to her is open. Not like he telling her but more like he thinking about things himself. Mulling it over in his mind. So after that, I realise it was me. Me who had to change. Because all Esther was doing was following my cantankerous ways.
On the way home I say to her, ‘I didn’t mean what I said to Pao about the two choices. I was just trying to provoke him.’
‘I know.’
‘And the other thing, about the past . . .’
‘Was a long time ago.’ And then she say, ‘And the Cuban? Is he in the past as well?’
And I just say, ‘Yes.’
‘What she called?’
‘Loretta.’
‘Loretta?’
‘Loretta.’
‘How long she and you . . . yu know?’
‘Since independence week.’ And then Marcia stop. And I just look at her because I can’t believe what she is telling me.
‘Yu already meet her.’
‘I did?’
‘Remember the meeting you and Sybil organise independence week ’bout how women going contribute to building Jamaica’s future? And the play they put on? Well, the woman that come from Miami to help write it, that was her. Loretta.’
I take a deep breath and hope to God that Auntie stay out the house long enough so I can talk sensible to Marcia without no interference from her. I think the supermarket trip must take her at least two hours so I reckon we still got time.
‘So what yu asking me?’
Marcia take a sip of the sweet sorrel and let her eyes pass over the bougainvillea that busting purple all over the fence.
‘I asking yu what yu think.’
‘What I think? This is Jamaica, Marcia!’ I pause and then I say, ‘This woman mean that much to yu that yu willing to tek all the nastiness people going throw at yu never mind the brick through yu window or the fire they going set over that house in Franklyn Town?’
She ease forward on the chair and rest her elbows on her knees. And then she clasp her hands together before she start talking.
‘When I first meet her I think she smart. She smart, Gloria, yu know that. The way she talk ’bout women and power and such yu know this woman read a lot a books and she thinking and turning ideas over in her mind all the time. Everybody wanted to talk to her and listen to what she got to say. We all like bees ’round a honey pot. And it not only because she bringing new thoughts to people’s experience, it because she got energy. And she funny, Gloria, she really funny. I cyan remember the last time I laugh so much. Sybil say Loretta’s energy and humour is magnetic.’
‘So Sybil know all about this?’
She just nod her head. ‘And afterwards I ask yu if we could tek her up to Ochie for a few days in Henry’s house and yu say yes. And that is when it start.’
‘With Sybil and Beryl in the house!’
‘Gloria, yu got to share rooms. You know that. So Sybil and Beryl share, and me and Loretta.’
I lean over to her and I say, ‘Keep yu voice down. I don’t want all a this news carrying on the breeze to the whole street.’
So she sit back in the chair and reach for the glass. After she finish drink she rest it back on the little round formica table next to her.
‘It not like anything I ever experience in my whole life before. It was different and lovely. So lovely yu cannot imagine. Kissing a woman, Gloria, it is lovely.’
‘Don’t talk to me ’bout kissing no woman. This is Jamaica, Marcia.’
‘Being with a woman is like being together in a gentle flowing river. It is soft and soothing and calm. And everything is like it moving in unison. So yu can’t even tell any more where you end and she begin. And it is all giving. There not nobody taking nothing from the other one. Both of yu is giving and receiving in the same measure. It equal. It honest.’
She stop, and I think thank God because I don’t know if I want to hear any more. It horrifying me. But then I think who am I to be horrified about anything that anybody does? Me, of all people.
‘Marcia, Jamaica not got no patience for this sorta thing.’ But she don’t say nothing, so I say, ‘What Sybil and Beryl say ’bout it?’
‘Sybil think Loretta wonderful. She love Loretta for everything she got to say ’bout women and men, and power and resistance. Beryl, she just glad to see me happy.’
‘Yu happy Marcia?’
She lift up her head and turn to me. And then I see a curious look in her eye. It almost like pain, but it not pain. It confusion.
‘Yu nuh happy then?’
‘I am happy, Gloria. Happier than I ever imagine I could be. I just don’t know if I ought to be.’
‘What yu mean?’
‘Like if it right for someone to feel so happy over a perversion. I mean, Gloria, it not really natural is it?’
‘Yu think what yu been doing with them men all these years is natural? Did it feel natural to yu?’
She think on it and then she say, ‘It feel like what a woman supposed to do. Yu know, do it with a man. That is God’s way.’ She stop and then she start again. ‘I did have a real man yu know. Eugene.’
‘So who that?’
‘Just a man I meet. But he didn’t know nothing ’bout the other business.’
‘And what happen?’
‘He vex me and I couldn’t get over it. So after that I was angry wid him all the time over every little thing and it wear us both down.’ She wait. ‘And then there was Milton.’
‘Yu do it with Milton?’
She smile. A big broad smile. ‘I tell yu before how he was hanging ’round the place every Friday night watching and waiting while Hampton collect the money. I could see it in his whole body what he wanted, so yes. And it was nice, yu know. He sweet and young and eager to please. Milton was like a little treasure ’til Hampton tell him he had to get himself a proper woman.’
And just then I see Auntie stepping outta the taxi cab and the driver rushing to the trunk to offload the Hong Zi grocery store bags. She come back sooner than I expected. He carry the groceries to the veranda and Auntie reach in her purse for his tip and he was gone.
‘Esther not back from school yet?’
‘No Auntie, she got her choir practice.’
‘Well, I going unpack these things. You two want some coffee or something?’ And she disappear into the house.
Well, I think, maybe it not such a revelation. Maybe I should even have seen something like this coming. Some serious way that Marcia was going take one step beyond, because she been hurting her whole womanhood. But another woman?
I lean over and whisper, ‘So this is why yu been going to Miami? Not just the shopping like yu tell me?’
‘Yes, and Loretta come down every month as well. And we got the telephone every night.’
‘Every night! So it serious then this nine months since independence?’
‘I think so. The thing is, Gloria, she coming down for the celebration next weekend and I want yu to meet her. Meet her properly.’
We sit there quiet for a spell and then I say, ‘This Loretta, she been with a woman before?’
‘She never been wid a man, Gloria. She never even seen a grown man naked.’
So come Saturday I go over to East Kingston to the church hall I organise for the evening. The place full-full. It was a joy to see all these women crowded into the room drinking rum punch and eating curry goat and rice, and talking with so much excitement and expectation. It was a relief as well after all the weeks we spend at Party meetings, church groups and school gates. Even the emergency room at the hospital. Wearing out shoe leather telling women to come enjoy some fun and entertainment ’bout the life of women in Jamaica.
Then Marcia walk ’cross the room to me with this woman by her side. She is tall and slim and black and beautiful. I remember her, looking like she should be running in the Commonwealth Games not sitting down with a pen in her hand writing no plays.
‘This is Loretta.’
I reach out my arm and shake her hand while I notice what a sparkle her eyes got to them.
‘So nice to meet you.’ That is what she say in her Miami-American voice, which is fine, except me, I got no voice. I got no idea what to say to this woman. So I just stand there thinking to myself so this is what a homosexual woman look like. And then I realise how foolish that is because I got no idea how many of them are standing right here in this room with me. Because when yu look, yu can’t tell nothing. After all, who would see Marcia and think a thing like that?
Sybil come over to where we standing and I say to her, ‘Good turnout gal.’ And she laugh. Then she say to Loretta she need her and the two of them walk off with Sybil glancing at me over her shoulder like, ‘So now yu know.’
Ten minutes later we all sitting down in front of the stage. And what happen next was the most incredible display of Jamaican womanhood with women singing songs and acting little skits and reciting their poems. They so clever with the words and so brave to be standing up there performing in front of all these people. Not trained actresses, but the ordinary, everyday women we meet on the street and at church and outside the school gate. And the fun they poke at how women and men gwaan with each other was unbelievable. It cut right through all the manoeuvring we do this way and that, all the blustering and ranting and piggishness you get from men, and the conniving that women do to get what we want. I laugh so much I thought my belly would bust. Even the two nuns standing at the side was laughing. Though every now and again they put their hand over their mouth like maybe they nervous ’bout enjoying themselves too much.
But it was seriousness as well. Because all the joking aside there was a message. A message about how we need to take charge of ourselves and our lives, and stop playing all the same damn-fool games we doing since the beginning of time, and give up acting like we too weak and too stupid to do anything worth doing. That we have to behave like the intelligent and courageous people we are. And always have been.
Then almost like my eyes deceiving me, I see Marcia standing there in the spotlight saying she got a poem to share. I turn and look at Beryl sitting next to me but she just give me a quick glance before putting her attention back on the stage like she knew it was going to happen. And after all the clapping and cheering, because this audience very enthusiastic to listen to any woman who got the nerve to get up there and say more than two words, Marcia begin.
‘Di man dem come, di man dem go.
Deh mek their vibration and tek their jubilation