God's Little Freak (6 page)

Kevin and Michael
are sitting in a huge hall listening to a piano duet, a four hand piece by Franz Schubert. While listening, Kevin thinks about how far he and Michael have come in just over one month. They are secretly “together.” He has wanked several times with Michael. They often kiss, but now they French kiss each other, which is more exciting. He likes everything about Michael’s body and Michael certainly likes his. Twice they fell asleep while holding each other, in what have become regular sleepovers. Kevin wants to do everything with Michael - go explore, play music, do sports, play all kinds of games - and he can’t wait for the summer so that they can go swimming.

After their first kiss and
discovering how they feel about each other, it is now easier for Kevin to concentrate when playing the duet. Even if Michael touches him, it is not distracting at all.

The Schubert duet finishes
. It is a difficult piece of music and Kevin knows he would never have been able to play it. It was too difficult for the pianists too, because they made many mistakes. While everyone is clapping, Michael reaches over and squeezes Kevin’s hand gently to wish him good luck.

The Master of Ceremon
ies announces, “And now, Michael Krippner and Kevin Schrödinger will play the Four Hand Sonata in C (K 19d) by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.”

They walk
up to the stage and sit down at the piano. They are a little bit nervous, but Kevin is good at debating and speeches and Michael performs a lot before an audience, so they can handle it. Michael counts them in and off they go. Both of them have perfect focus and enjoy playing.

After the p
erformance they get up to give a bow to the audience. Just as they bow, Michael grabs Kevin’s hand and they bow together. Kevin feels a bit awkward about this.

“
It went so well I feel like giving you a French kiss right here,” Michael says when they sit down. Kevin giggles and actually feels the same. They have performed together and there is something very special about that. He feels even closer to Michael than before. Michael has already played his recorder piece earlier and still has to play the First Movement of the Moonlight Sonata by Ludwig van Beethoven as a solo performer. Kevin can’t wait for that, because Michael said that with every note, he’ll be thinking of him. Kevin knows this will be true, because Michael doesn’t seem to have to concentrate that much when he plays.

When Michael plays
the Moonlight Sonata, Kevin has goose bumps numerous times. He has heard it several times before but today it is more special by far. He enjoys watching Michael play. At the end, when the audience begins to clap, Michael winks at him before he takes a bow. Kevin smiles from ear to ear and looks down at his hands.

At the end of a very long
day, the prize ceremony starts an hour late at nine o’clock. They had to squeeze the competition into one day because most of the competitors live far away and can’t travel back and forth. Most of the children are already sleeping somewhere in the hall and it looks quite bizarre. Michael and Kevin cannot stop commenting and laughing about the lady who presents the prizes. “She has so much make-up on because she tripped and fell into her powder box!” Michael says.

The first category announced is for woodwinds, which Michael won playing the recorder. After that, several other categories, like brass inst
ruments, strings and percussion follow. The whole affair is dragged out by unnecessary pauses before announcements. Kevin is getting more and more impatient. “It doesn’t seem like these people are organised at all,” he tells Michael.

Finally, it’s time for the piano duet award. Kevin is so nervous. He rubs his hands on his upper legs ove
r and over to clear the sweat from his hands. Finally, the Master of ceremonies says, “And the winner is... Michael Krippner and Kevin Sch... and Kevin Schringer.” Kevin gets up and laughs. “Nobody ever gets my surname right,” he tells Michael while walking up to the stage. He is delighted that he won and even more so that he didn’t let Michael down.

Micheal
goes on to win the piano category, which is the biggest category of all and also the prestigious ‘Best interpretation of a classical work’ prize. While Michael walks up again to collect this prize, Kevin feels an immense sense of pride. “What an honour to know someone who is so gifted! And to know that he won this prize because he was thinking of me while playing the Moonlight Sonata,” he thinks while clapping along with the audience.

On their way back, Kevin
and Michael are sitting at the back of the van. Winning all those prizes impressed everyone and Kevin admires Michael a lot. He knows that Michael had more to do with them winning than he did, but he still likes to win. Michael is extremely tired and eventually falls asleep on Kevin’s shoulder. Initially Kevin has a “What would people think?” thought, but then also thinks that it is dark and nobody can see anything at the back. He likes it that Michael rests his head on his shoulder, but he himself can’t sleep.

In his mind he i
s thanking God for the wonderful experience and that they won. He thanks God for someone as special as Michael. He doesn’t understand how the feelings he has for Michael just get bigger and better all the time, like there is no end to them.

He is
also thinking about his Confirmation in October. How will that work? What will happen between him and Michael? He doesn’t want to stop whatever this is with Michael. Will he have the same feelings with a girl? And what girl? He hardly ever thinks about girls. He only notices that a girl looks nice if someone says, “Wow, look at that girl! She’s really pretty.” Then only he looks at her and thinks, “Oh, she is pretty! Who knew?” Since he has been with Michael he notices that he doesn’t look around as much at other boys anymore. He is less curious about the package they are hiding under their pants and he doesn’t want to wank with anyone other than Michael. He still has these weird feelings in his stomach sometimes when he speaks to certain boys that look cool, but rarely. He wonders if all of these observations are signs that his catechism is paying off and that he is already changing. Maybe Michael’s influence helps him reduce the thoughts of other boys with their naked bodies and the urge to want to wank with them.

When
Kevin sees the sign, 10km to Vryheid, he wraps up his thoughts. He has been thinking about everything from Newcastle and they have been on the road for more than an hour already. What should he do about Michael? He doesn’t know. But he decides that since it seems like a good thing that Michael is in his life, he’ll just be with it for now.

It is early October and spring is
in full swing. The fires that often surround Vryheid in winter have come to an end and everything is green and beautiful. Kevin isn’t sure if the weather has anything to do with it, but both he and Michael can’t keep their hands off each other. As luck would have it, of course, neither’s parents had a problem with their sleeping over and because Michael is often home alone there is more than enough opportunity.

Kevin and Michael a
re busy smooching again in Michael’s room. Michael goes down and starts to suck his willy. Kevin hisses at him, “What the hell are you doing?!” “It’s called a blowjob,” Michael says and continues. Kevin thinks it is way too strange. He had thought about it before, but didn’t think one would actually do it! It felt awesome! He has a completely different feeling in his willy and thinks that Michael should also find out what it feels like. Kevin says that he wants to do it too and moves down to Michael’s willy and starts sucking it. “You have to suck it, not bite it!” Michael protests. “Get your teeth out of the way!” Kevin feels a bit silly, but then gets it right. He actually likes giving a blowjob too, and receiving it. He figures out that if they lie in a certain position, both of them can give and receive a blowjob. Afterwards they finish with a wank.

Kevin wonders
how Michael came up with the idea of a blowjob and asks him while they were getting dressed. “I don’t know. I thought about it before and now tried it and you liked it, didn’t you? It’s the same way I figured out how to wank,” Michael says.

Kevin is surprised and asks,
“Did you figure out how to wank by yourself?”

“Yes, of course. Didn’t you?” Michael asks.

“Eh, no. My cousin…” Kevin begins.

“You didn’t figure that out by yourself? I was like ten or eleven…”
Michael interrupts.

“Yeah
, all right, we all have a different way…” Kevin interrupts him again. He feels a bit out done by Michael. Michael is curious about how Kevin got to wank and gets ready to ask a question, but then just exhales without saying anything.

K
evin then thinks of something else he and Michael have never spoken about. He asks Michael, “Do you ever feel guilty about what we do, because sometimes I do.”

Michael frowns and says,
“No, to me it feels exciting when we are together. Why should I feel guilty about it?”

“
Because some people think it is wrong when two guys do something sexual. What do you think?” Kevin asks.

“Nothing.
Some guys like boys and some guys like girls. There’s nothing more to it,” Michael says.

“Do you tell anyone
about it?” Kevin asks?

“
No. It’s no one else’s business,” Michael replies.

“And what about God?”
Kevin wants to know.

“What about God?”
Michael asks.

“I’ve been readi
ng up on the matter. There is a lot of information on the internet,” Kevin says.

“On the internet?
” Michael says and begins to laugh. He says, “If you put the word gay, all you see is porn! How did you find any information?”

“
Porn is not my thing, but I figured it out. I’m serious here,” Kevin says firmly. “Some people say it is OK, but far more seem to say that it is wrong and that we will go to hell. And there’s Mr Van Kerken who never seems to stop his moaning about gays, and Lady Gaga and all things evil,” Kevin says.

“Oh, that asshole!
I’m so glad I don’t have class with that idiot anymore,” Michael says.

“But
don’t you respect your teachers?” Kevin asks.

“Not all of them. Come on, we have some stupid teac
hers who don’t know much. Mr Van Kerken is one of them. He is supposed to teach history and he doesn’t do that well. What is there to respect?” Michael says.

Kevin i
s surprised at Michael’s attitude and exclaims, “But we have to respect our teachers!”

Michael shakes his head
, showing doubt, and says, “OK, maybe we have to respect them. But we don’t have to believe every word they say. He’s a nutcase!” Michael sighs, “OK, let’s talk about this, because you begin to worry me. I never realized you had problems with this. Some say that we choose to be like this, right?”

“Yes
,” Kevin says.

“So when did you choose to like boys and not girls?”
Michael asks.

“I don’t remember. Actually, I never did. It kind of just happened
with some weird feelings with my cousin,” Kevin says.

“Same with me.
Those against gays don’t know because they are not gay. They can’t possibly understand this,” Michael says.

“It’s not as
simple as…” Kevin says.

“It is!” Michael raises his voice, interrupting Kevin
. He gets frustrated with Kevin. “Look, I’m left handed and you are right handed, right? When did you choose that?” Michael asks.

“I didn’t. It happene
d automatically,” Kevin replies.

“Same with me -
just automatically - I am different from you. But my grandmother, who also writes with her left hand, was beaten with a stick until she wrote with her right hand when she was in school. She often tells me how lucky I am to live in a time when they don’t do that anymore,” Michael says.

Kevin is quiet and thinks for a minute. What Michael has said makes great sense and is a good argument. “He should be a debater,” Kevin thinks.
He realises it is the same argument of the earth being flat, the sun revolving around the earth, the atom that cannot be divided and all of those things that were once believed to be true, but then proven not to be true. “I understand what you mean. It’s just difficult, you know,” Kevin says.

“
It’s not supposed to be difficult. Don’t you trust yourself and your ability to tell right from wrong?” Michael asks.

“I do, but I have my doubts,” Kevin says.

“And those doubts are put there by idiots. Take it from whom it comes. And don’t take it from idiots!” Michael says, “Mr Van Kerken is an idiot!”

It is clear to Kevin that Michael has
thought about this topic a lot and to him it seems quite simple. Michael tries to change the subject to something lighter. “When you did your research, did you come across the word
faggot
?” he asks, smiling.

“
Yes, and I saw a poster when some church people were marching in a parade that said ‘God hates fags.’ But I don’t know what a
faggot
or
fags
are…”

Michael starts laughing and says
, “A fagot is a woodwind instrument that is often used in a symphony - or philharmonic - orchestra. It is long and hollow and just about in the middle, is the mouth piece where the player blows to play on it. So,” (and he laughs again)” if a fagot player blows on it, it looks like he is giving the instrument a blowjob!”

Kevin i
s laughing too and says, “Really?”

“
Yes, well actually, in English, they call it a bassoon. But in German and Afrikaans it is fagot,” Michael says and opens one of his music books to show him what a bassoon looks like. Kevin looks at it and laughs while holding his hands in front of his mouth.

Michael goes
on, “The funny thing is, that the fagot – the instrument – represents a man that gets a blowjob, so
all
men who have received a blowjob are technically
faggots
!  And the one that gives a blowjob is a fagot player!” Michael is laughing hysterically. “Kevin, you have to laugh it off,” he says. “These people don’t know what they are talking about. You know more about history than I do and if history tells us anything, it is that most of the time, those with the loudest voices turn out to be wrong.”

“You’re right. I’m gla
d that we had this conversation,” Kevin says and Michael hugs him.

Kevin kno
ws that Michael is right, but he still has his doubts. He explained it perfectly well and backed up his arguments with facts and used great examples. Michael promised to join him as his debating team mate next year when he is also in high school. However there is a ‘but’ with what Michael says. “There is always a ‘but’ and the ‘but’ is about religion,” Kevin thinks.

That night he i
s trying to reason things out in his mind. He is restless in his room, making everything neat and tidy and sorting out stuff. “Could most of the churches be wrong? And most people on the internet?” he wonders. With every argument there is a counter argument and Kevin is filled with doubt.

There i
s a soft knock on his door. “Come in,” he says. It’s his sister, Klara. She walks in with a teddy bear in her arm and her eyes look as if she doesn’t like the light. He’s surprised to see her up so late. “Aren’t you tired?” Kevin asks. “I am. I was asleep already and dreaming about something and wonder what are you thinking about?“ she replies.

“What I’m thinking about?
Nothing. Why do you ask?” Kevin asks.

“I do
n’t think you are being honest. Why don’t we chat as much as before?” she asks.

“I’m busy OK. There’s my Confirmation coming up and so on. And how can you possibly kno
w what I’m thinking?” Kevin says in a way to ridicule her.

“Because
while I was sleeping, God said that I should tell you that if you clear your mind and be quiet for a while you would be able to hear him talk to you. That’s how I know. Good night,” she says, turns around and walks out the door.

Kevin i
s stunned by what he just heard from his little sister. He actually freezes up. He tries to calm his thoughts and become more peaceful, but whenever he does that, he finds his mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts. Eventually, he decides just to talk about whatever he thinks of to God and hopefully he will hear what God wants to say to him.

While he is
talking about his upcoming Confirmation, he suddenly hears God say, “Your intention and expectations of your Confirmation are highly questionable.”

“I know, God. It is the most important thing for me. I’m trying my best to understand it and you know that I’m trying my best. I spend m
ore time on it than schoolwork,” Kevin says.

“I agree with that. I am with you, always. However, you seem to want one thing and
live another and that is contradictory. Can you not see that? That is why you don’t have peace now because you are in conflict with yourself; you are fighting a war within yourself and therefore cannot hear me. I feel like I’m losing you. Our relationship is not what it was,” God says.

“
It’s my sin, isn’t it? It’s driving us apart,” Kevin mumbles.

“
It’s about sin, yes, but
you
are driving us apart. You must evaluate your hopes and choices,” God says.

“
I don’t know what to choose, because I don’t know what is right and what is wrong and you don’t want to help me,” Kevin says.

“
I cannot help you to choose. That is what you should learn. If I tell you what you should choose, then I might just as well not have given you free choice. If you didn’t have free choice, you would have to do everything I say, which means I am your commander whom you have to obey, like a robot. While you are on earth, that is not what I want. What I want is a relationship with you so that we can function more or less as equals. This is not about being right or being wrong. There are simply choices that will help you to learn and grow as a human being and there are choices that will not help you to learn and grow,” God says.

“Learn about what? Can’t you speak like a normal person? I only understand half of what you say. I’m frustrated!” Kevin
exclaims! He tries to listen, but it is hopeless. He wonders, “Why is it that he cannot communicate as well with God as he did before? Is his relationship with Michael now more important than his relationship with God? Or is it his sin?” He thinks for a while and then comes to the conclusion, “It must be my sins because God said that it is my fault. Am I not changing quickly enough for God? I don’t want to be like this anymore!”