God's Little Freak
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Authors: Franz-Joseph Kehrhahn
God’s Little Freak
by
Franz-Joseph Kehrhahn
Text Copyright © 2013 Franz-Joseph Kehrhahn
ISBN
978-0-620-60237-2
God’s Little Freak
All Rights Reserved
Preface
Soon after I began my ministry in the northern suburbs of Johannesburg in 2005, a teenage boy in a nearby school committed suicide. He had been a friend of one of my nieces and my sister-in-law attended the funeral. There was no clue as to what had led to this tragic loss of a young life, which devastated his family and friends.
As a young graduate in his early twenties in 1969, I had felt suicidal: I didn’t know how to reconcile my homosexuality and my Christian faith. I thank God for the Anglican priest in whom I finally had the courage to confide. He assured me that I was just as God wanted me to be. God loved me – and so I should love myself. It was the beginning of a long journey of liberation.
In 1994 the new South African Constitution included a Bill of Rights, the first of its kind in the world to forbid discrimination on the grounds of a person’s sexual orientation.
Almost 20 years on, the major Christian churches in this country still lag far behind the liberal position upheld by the law. At best, the churches say that they accept and care for lesbians and
gays – provided they don’t express their sexuality. Homosexual women and men should remain celibate. I believe this view to be untenable in the light of modern understanding of homosexuality. Relationships between persons of the same gender can be as fulfilling in heart, mind and body, as those between persons of opposite gender.
The Civil Union Act of 2006 is a natural consequence of our new Constitution, allowing as it does for the solemnisation and registration of marriage/civil partnership between persons of the
same, or of opposite gender. The ministers of gay-friendly churches know the joy of conducting the legal unions and pronouncing God’s blessing on lesbian and gay couples who make the same promises to each other as do their heterosexual counterparts.
And yet homophobia against lesbians and gays is all too evident in our society and much of it is fuelled by those who quote passages of the Bible without regard for their historical context. Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu has been exceptional in speaking out for acceptance and love for those whom God has given a homosexual orientation. In spite of his leadership, most churches are far from being inclusive.
“God’s Little Freak” is a very timely contribution to Christian awareness of what it is like to grow up gay in South Africa. Franz-Joseph Kehrhahn tells the story of Kevin with insight, humour and spiritual maturity, not sparing us a teenager’s struggle with himself, with God, his family and with his teachers and counsellors. Our sexuality is at the very core of our being and has to be integrated with our faith, if we are to love ourselves and so be able to love others.
I hope you enjoy this book as much as I have. I am sure it will lead to lively discussion amongst parents, teachers, teenagers and others – especially in the churches. Most of all, I pray that no lesbian or gay teenager will contemplate taking their own life.
The Revd Owen Franklin
Minister in the Gay Community
Johannesburg, September 2013
.
I
“The storm is getting worse! We’re
all going to die!” shouts a sailor. “We’re not! Keep heading south-west. Do not deviate! Have some courage you bunch of cowards!” he shouts.
The next moment a big wave breaks over the boat. He looks at his crew; tired
– fighting the waves all night. He is so close, he can feel it… It’s about to get light after a long, tiring, night. “I told you to tie everything up! How many times do I have to repeat an order?!” he yells.
“Captain!
Captain! Come and look!” one of the crew shouts while another wave breaks. The captain pulls himself across the boat, holding on to anything he can. The boat moves from side to side and then plunges into the water again. Every step he takes is like climbing a mountain. “What is it?” the captain asks. “Look,” the sailor says and points to the horizon. In the dim light one can see the dark outlines of a mountain in the distance.
“Land!
I discovered a new land across the seas! I knew it! Finally, I’m an explorer with something to show for it!” he shouts.
“
Kevin… Kevin? Hey?!” Kevin is startled.
“Where
are you? You seem miles away,” his grandfather says.
“I was… Never mind. I’m studying for my science exam. I really like science,” says Kevin.
“It is wonderful that you study this hard for science, but be very careful when you study and keep an open mind,” Opa Gunter says.
Kevin looks around.
Opa Gunter continues, “When I was at school before the war, I learned that the smallest particle is an atom and that it cannot be divided. Shortly afterwards, Einstein did exactly that: dividing an atom which I had learned was impossible to do. That’s why I say: keep an open mind, my boy.” He pats him on the shoulder and walks on.
“I certainly will,” Kevin says and tries to find where he has to continue learning.
He already knows about Einstein and the atomic bomb or nuclear power, although they haven’t learned about it at school yet. It gives him something to think about. How much information from today do we believe is true, yet in fact is false? At some stage people thought that the earth was flat and there was no more land to discover. Kevin wants to be an explorer and knows that if he wants to do that, he’ll have to do well in the science exam tomorrow.
“
Opa,
wie lange besuchst du noch bei uns
?“ Kevin asks his grandfather.
“I’ll only be here for another week. I’ll visit
Onkel Dieter during December and then I’ll see who I’ll be visiting after that,” Opa Gunter replies.
“It’s a pity you won’t be coming to St. Lucia with us. I can’t wait to go and get out of
boring old Vryheid,” Kevin says.
“I won’t be any fun. I
miss Oma dearly over Christmas – and I want to have a real German Christmas this year,” Opa says.
Kevin doesn’t reply after that. A
nother hour or so Kevin is satisfied that he understands all there is to know about the exam tomorrow. He wants to go to his friend, Andrew, who lives across from them for a swim. While changing, Kevin speaks to himself about what his grandfather told him about keeping an open mind.
Actually, he is not
only talking to himself. Ever since he can remember, he is in constant dialogue with God. He rarely talks about it though, since he was criticised for it before. He would only talk to his younger sister, Klara, about it, because she talks to God frequently as well. It’s their little secret. For the two of them, it is the most normal thing to do. Their entire family is religious and goes to church just about every Sunday.
Kevin asks
God, “Is there something that I am learning that isn’t true?”
“No, not today
,” God replies.
“W
ould you let me know so that I can find out what the truth is?” Kevin asks. God tells him that if something comes up, he would be the first to know.
Kevin then asks, “God, did
I study enough to get 80%?”
“Of course, maybe even 90%!
” He could hear God laughing. “Most importantly, go swim and enjoy yourself now.”
Comments like these make Kevin and
Klara feel that they are God’s friends. Sometimes when people talk about God, Kevin often thinks that the God they talk about is extremely strict and boring and that they should talk to his God.
He once told his Aunt Sally that
the God she prays to is extremely boring. His poor mother had to jump in and calm her sister down. As a result, Kevin doesn’t really like his Aunt Sally. Luckily they don’t see her often, but this year the two families are going to St. Lucia for the December holidays.
But first, Kevin has to finish grade 6. His older brother
, Marcus, never studies this hard, even though he is in grade 11.
II
Finally, the day arrives
for them to leave for St Lucia. The car and trailer are packed and they are ready to go. Kevin’s father is impatient with everyone.
“Come on! Hurry up, and stop standing around. I want to leave before 6!” his father says.
“I want to be in St Lucia before it is too hot and everyone begins to nag.”
Fortunately, they leave just before 6 and the journey is just over 2 hours. As usual, his father and mother argue about what music they should listen to. It’s always the same. His father puts in a CD and his mother moans. Then his mother puts in a CD and his father moans. T
hen they decide to leave the CDs and rather listen to the radio. His mother wants to listen to East Coast Radio, but his father wants to listen to RSG because it is more informative. He used to like SAFM, but doesn’t like it anymore. Eventually they both lose it and switch the radio off and continue without music. Kevin thinks it is so ridiculous to see his parents argue like little kids about music.
Apart from the music issue, all
goes smoothly and they arrive at St Lucia without any glitches and finally his father is getting into the holiday spirit. When they arrive, they check into the self-catering unit where they will stay for the next three weeks. Aunt Sally, her husband Brian, their son Brendan and daughter Emily are already there. They arrived yesterday and are waiting to have breakfast. Kevin’s father says, “No-one can go anywhere or eat anything until we have unpacked everything.”
Unlike other holidays, the unpacking
goes without any moaning and then they join Aunt Sally for breakfast. Afterwards, Kevin wants to go for a walk. He has always been somewhat of an explorer and a new area to explore is always fun. After the usual “be careful” speech of his mother, he is on his way. He walks along the road until it ends, but then he notices a foot path. He walks further along and finds himself in a forest, which is awesome. The forest has such a fresh smell and he can see some monkeys playing, which is the coolest thing ever. Shortly afterwards, the road splits. He stands there for a while and thinks of the poem, “The road less travelled,” by Robert Frost. Which should he take? When they did the poem at school he thought that he would also take the road which is overgrown. But here, both of them seem similar. So he just picks one and walks on.
“What kind of person do you think I am? The one who takes the road less travelled or the other one everyone seem
s to have been on?” he asks God.
“It depends
on how much courage you have,” God replies.
“Isn’t it actually the same? The one is just more exciting, because one fe
els like an explorer,” Kevin says.
“True, the effort may
be the same, but the first step isn’t. That’s why explorers such as Bartholomeau Diaz, Vasco da Gama, Thomas Cook and Christopher Columbus are people you know about. They were brave enough, but thousands of people before them were too afraid to explore the dangerous seas. Your excitement might be someone else’s fear. If you hold on to this excitement, you will choose the road less travelled and you can most definitely help mankind to find what is true,” God says.
“But there is nothing more to explore.
Every piece of land has already been discovered,” Kevin says.
“If
you talk about geography, yes, everything has been discovered. But there are other areas, like Einstein and the atom, or energy, or medicine. There is so much more to discover,” God says.
“Well, I will be brave enough
, because I want to discover something, too,” Kevin says quite adamantly.
“And you will. You are already on the path that I have laid out before you. When you choose, the paths will look the same in the beginning
, as you saw now in the forest. Later, it will become harder and the question is rather: will you continue on the road that seems to become more difficult and overgrown or will you turn around and find the other way that everyone walks on.”
“So I’m already on a path? Cool! I will push on. I will not give up. I’ve never g
iven up on anything,” Kevin says proudly.
“I know you haven’t, but things will change. I really want you to explore and not fear the road like everyone else. People fear everything and seem to forget how many times it is writte
n in the Bible not to fear,” God says.
“I will not fear. I will push on!”
Kevin says.
Maybe God still wants
to add something, but Kevin reaches an open area, where the forest is cleared and he can see water. He runs towards the water. It often happens that God still wants to say something, but if Kevin doesn’t want to hear God, he can’t hear Him.
The lagoon looks
beautiful. His father had said that a long time ago, it was much nicer when the mouth was still open, but Kevin thinks it is nice enough. Kevin hopes to see a crocodile or hippopotamus, but he doesn’t. He only sees a fish eagle, which is cool enough.
When Kevin gets
back to the lodge, his sister and Emily are playing and Marcus has already managed to find a girl he wants to impress. This happens every holiday and Kevin has made peace with the fact that he’ll hardly see his brother during holidays. Marcus and Brendan, their cousin, don’t really get along, for no apparent reason. They should in theory, since Brendan is only a year older than Marcus. The rest of the family is sitting around the table and catching up on the events of the past year. Kevin’s father wants to go to the supermarket to get a few things that they forgot and Kevin goes along. He has a good relationship with his father, but enjoys it most when they are alone. He’ll do anything to avoid Aunt Sally. It’s just a matter of time before they’ll have a little spat again and then he’ll have his mother and father on his back. They are going out on Uncle Brian’s boat tomorrow. Aunt Sally doesn’t like going out on the deep sea.
Early the ne
xt morning, Kevin, his father, Uncle Brian and Brendan get ready to go out to sea. Marcus decides not to go, since he would rather spend some time with his new chick. “It’s ridiculous!” Kevin thinks. The women all want to stay at home - “which is their loss,” Kevin thinks.
It takes
forever to get onto the boat and finally leave. There are always a million things that need to be done first, which makes Kevin wonder if it’s really worth it. On the boat Kevin and Brendan get to know each other better, which has never really happened before. Sure, he is only a year older than his brother, but for some reason he seems far more interesting to talk to and doesn’t boss him around all the time. He also likes history and science, like Kevin does, but Brendan surely knows a lot more. They only catch two fish, which is a bit disappointing, but overall everyone feels it was great to spend time on the open sea.
Once
back on land, Brendan asks Kevin if he wants to go for a swim, since they are so hot from being on the boat all day. “Brilliant idea!” Kevin says, who also feels like swimming. They grab their towels and off they go.
At the swimming pool
some people are playing Marco-Polo (where Polo is blinded and shouts Marco to everyone else and they reply with Polo), and Kevin and Brendan join in. After a while, some of the people leave and it becomes a bit boring, so they abandon the game. Kevin is impressed that Brendan can swim a full length under water. He tries too, but just manages half way. Later they just stand in a corner chatting about stuff.
Brendan asks
Kevin whether he has a girlfriend. “No. I don’t understand the fuss with girls,” Kevin replies. “My brother is involved with them all the time. They annoy me. How about you?” Kevin asks Brendan.
“Nah, I
don’t have a girlfriend either,“ Brendan replies.
“
You don’t? But you’re so old. Everyone your age has a girlfriend,” Kevin says.
“Not
everyone. I don’t,” Brendan says.“ I don’t even know why I’m talking to you about this. You probably don’t even have hair on your balls.”
Kevin
feels that Brendan says it in a bit of a rude way, but he ignores it. He wonders whether or not he actually has hair on his balls. Come to think of it, he actually doesn’t know. There are some new ones growing around there, but not sure if it’s on his balls. He intensely wants to have a look, but he can’t. Not now!
Brendan
says that it is time to go. All of a sudden, there is a bit of a weird mood and Kevin is relieved that they leave. Back at the lodge, he immediately goes to the bathroom to check. He is amazed that he actually has hair on his balls. “There are so many!” he thinks. He can’t believe that he has never noticed them before. He knows that his brother has pubic hair, but he is much older of course. Is he changing into a man already? What does it mean?
Th
at evening the entire family has a braai. Aunt Sally is already annoying Kevin because she moans about the fact that Marcus is allowed to have a beer. “We’re German. We do things differently when it comes to drinking beer,” his father says. “We allow children to drink while they are still in our care so that we can teach them responsibility with alcohol. Otherwise, they will learn it from friends at varsity. Which would you prefer?” That should shut her up, Kevin thinks. But she still goes on and on. Kevin has had beer before, but doesn’t like the taste very much. He can only imagine how terrible it must be to have a mother like Aunt Sally.
Later in the kitchen he asks his mother why she i
s so different from Aunt Sally. “I would die if she were my mother,” Kevin says. “It’s your father’s influence,” she says. “He taught me to let go a bit. That’s one of the many reasons why I love him.” Kevin suddenly loves his father a little bit more, too.
Brendan i
s sitting alone away from the crowd and is busy on his cell phone. Kevin sneaks up on him. “What are you doing?” Kevin asks. “Chatting to some friends,” Brendan replies. “I just want to tell you that I actually have hair on my balls,” Kevin says.
“Really?
” Brendan says, smiling at him. Kevin is not sure what it is, but when Brendan looks at him in that way, he has an extraordinary weird feeling at the bottom of his stomach. It feels as if all the muscles are pulling together and it is exciting in a way, too. But weird, very weird. His whole body begins to shake. It feels as if he can’t breathe, though he actually breathes very deeply. “Yes,” Kevin says, swallowing loudly. His entire body lightens up. Brendan keeps on looking at Kevin, smiling at him and somehow Kevin can’t look away. He is totally overwhelmed by what he feels throughout his body. Eventually he simply walks away, feeling ever so silly. He can feel he is blushing, but luckily it’s dark enough that no-one can see him.
The rest of the night i
s quiet. Kevin doesn’t feel like talking to anyone. He is trying to understand what has just happened. “What is going on with my body? I’ve never had these feelings before. It is more exciting than anything I’ve ever felt before. Not rugby, playing the piano or travelling to Germany is as exciting as this. What is going on?” he wonders.
At the same time, he finds
it difficult to look at Brendan, because that makes him have these feelings all over again. Yet, he finds himself staring at Brendan constantly as if he has no control over it. “How is it possible that Brendan looks so different from earlier today?” he wonders.
That night, Kevin
cannot sleep. He is tossing and turning and can’t calm down. He keeps seeing Brendan’s face where he is smiling at him. “How weird is that?” he thinks. He hears his brother and sister breathing while they sleep and that bothers him. They aren’t snoring or anything, but he is used to having his own room. After a while he gets up and goes outside. He wants to have a chat with God about it. Outside, there are still some coals smouldering and Kevin adds a few pieces of wood to get a fire going again. He is alone. It is a quiet and wonderful night. The stars look amazing! He feels great.
“God, what hap
pened to me today?” Kevin asks.
“You had a new ex
perience. How was it?” God inquires back.
“You can say that again! New indeed! It was awesome, but I find
it difficult to explain. What is going on? Where is it coming from? Why did Brendan suddenly change? It’s all too weird. It felt as if my stomach wanted to explode - but not like when I’ve eaten too much; in a good way,” Kevin says and he is getting more excited as he is talking to God about it.
“Just be with it,” God says
.
“What? Be
with it? Be with what?” Kevin is confused.
“Just be with the feeling. I’m not going to tell you more. Part of my job is to teach and your job is to learn. But I teach different
ly from the teachers at school. I don’t start with: “OK kids, today we’re going to learn…” and then tell you what you are going to learn. With me it’s different. I give you situations; ideas, circumstances and then you react to them. Your reaction is how you learn. You may discover that one reaction is better than another and so you learn what works for you and what doesn’t work for you. Some people never learn and always react the same way hoping for a different outcome. That’s crazy! The commandments are there because some possibilities should never be an option. Going a route that breaks a commandment is obviously silly, because I told you that there is nothing to learn there,” God explains.