Good for Now (Book One of The Now Series) (11 page)

Chapter 26

Julie

I arrive at the property in awe; it’s breathtaking. I look at the address making sure it’s the one Lynn had text. It looks way out of my price range by a few hundred thousands.

It’s a mini Mediterranean; the terra-cotta barrel tile roof is gorgeous. And I especially love the fuchsia bougainvilleas around the property. It also appears to be on a large lot, there are two hedges on both sides of the property, adding as a buffer, increasing privacy.

I receive a text from Lynn, saying she is running late and that I should go next door to the neighbor’s house on the east side to Ms. Joan's place.

I look to the left seeing Ms. Joan's house, which is similar to the property for sale. Just as I gather my things, I see whom I am assuming, is Joan walking out.

I wave as she looks my way and she waves back. So far I am even liking her.

"Hi Ms. Joan, I am Julie White, Lynn said it was OK for me to talk to you about the house. I hope I am not bothering you," I say.

"Nice to meet you, so you are interested in my neighbor's house?"

"Yes, I am. It’s beautiful."

"Why don't you come over until Lynn gets here, I have a copy of the property listing you can have it with pictures, but I can answer any question you have. I know the house and the owner well."

I could already see that nothing got past her, she was all eyes and ears. I question if I wanted to have a overly watchful neighbor, would she harass me if I didn't take in the garbage can in the day trash was picked up. I was feeling like this was too good to be true.

"Great, well how old is the house for starters?"

"It was built in 1950, but it was restored in 1990," Joan says. "You know they don't build houses like they use to, this house and next door are built for life. I wouldn't feel safe anywhere else. They survived hurricanes that happened in the last ten years.

"Nice to know, how many bedrooms does it have?"

"It's a three bedroom with a den, just like mine. Actually my house is exactly like the neighbor’s with the exception that everything is opposite of each other."

"Oh, I see, so the kitchen is on the opposite side and the living area too?" I ask.

"Yes, dear. What kind of work do you do?"

“I’m a lawyer.”

"You look like a lawyer...are you married?"

"No, not ready for that yet."

"Not to be noisy, but you are an attractive woman, there must be boyfriends," Joan asks.

"There was but not now," I reluctantly say, not wanting to say more, yet feeling Joan was only trying to be nice.

There is a ring at the door. It’s Lynn.

"Oh, hi Julie, I see you have met Joan."

"Yes."

"She is a lovely girl," Joan says.

"Yes, she is. I remember when she was a little girl. Her father is a loyal client of mine."

I turn red and ask Lynn to keep seeing this property a secret until I decide.

"But why? Lynn asks. "Your dad would probably help you with the down payment."

"He would, but I want to do this on my own," I say, and just as I said what I did, I see Joan smile.

"A girl after my heart," She says. "Never rely on another person, especially a man, even if it’s your father."

Lynn giggles looking at Joan, "You never seize to amaze me Ms. Joan. Shall we go next door Julie?"

"Yes, let's go. Ms. Joan will you come along?"

She smile, "I'd love to show you around."

I follow Lynn and Joan to the front door of what I feel to be home already. If I were to take a gamble in my life, it would be to buy the house without having to look at it. I already loved the outside.

"So here we are," Lynn says as she turns the lock and opens the front door.

The foyer is just like Joan's, with the exception being the house was empty. I hardly listen to Lynn, focusing my hearing on Joan. She managed to tell me everything I needed to know.

"I'll take it."

"Wise choice," Lynn says. "I have the for-sale and purchase contract in the car. I'll be right back."

"It will be nice having you as a neighbor."

"How do you know the sellers will accept the offer?"

"Because I am the sellers, that is my deceased husband and I," Joan says.

"What? How can that be?"

"You see I, or rather we, didn't want to sell the property to just anyone, I wanted a neighbor I could pick without having to deal with being prejudice, and loves the place like me," Joan says.

"I get it now, you are quite brilliant," I say.

"No one has called me brilliant, until now."

"I am sure they have thought it, many times."

"However, there is one condition of selling the house," Joan says.

"Oh, what is it?"

"If you want to sell and I am alive, I have the option of buying it back for the price I sold it to you."

"OK, I am not planning on selling, I love it," I say.

"Bingo, you passed the second part of my test, there is also a third condition," Joan says.

"Really? Or did you just make that up?"

"My third condition is if I need some help, legal help I mean, you will help if you can. I have a few last wishes I want to make sure will happen when I am gone."

"Sure, as long as you look out for me," I say.

"Oh, yes you can count on that, I have eyes behind my head. So when you are away, working I will be watching.”

Chapter 27

Julie

A week later I see Violet for the second time.

"How was your week?” she asks, looking my way, our eyes connecting.

I stretch my legs, feeling a bit faint, suffering the after math of hurrying to make my appointment.

"Good, really good.”

“How so?” she asks.

I take a deep breath, not knowing what to tell her first. “Well, I’m in the process of buying my dream house, which I am very, very excited about, and I submitted a few resumes at the courthouse."

“Well done, good for you Julie. I’m sure you will hear something soon.”

“Actually, I got a call today for a job interview next Wednesday. I am nervous.”

Violet looks up from her pad, “Fantastic, and don’t worry. You will do well, and it fits with the theme of moving on with your life,” Violet says, writing in her yellow pad.

"I hope so. I had this strange feeling the other day. I felt like if I didn’t make a move in my life, I may not be able to later on and that desperately scared me. I felt panicked. Does that make any sense?"

"It does, it is common to act on urges that scare you, it’s emotional reflexes, if you will. People have panic attacks because they are afraid, but once you face the fear, like a bully, the panic usually goes away or isn’t as strong.”

“It makes sense, but I hate the feeling of one rising, where you start have trouble breathing, and all you want to do is run away.”

Violet looks down at her lap, “I can relate to those feelings.”

I look surprised at her, “Really?”

“Yes, I have learned how to minimize them, but they still come and go. Oh, just so you know strong women have them the most,” she says with a slight smile.

I smile, liking her rational. Still surprised to know she doesn’t seem like the type to have panic attacks, but she does, which makes her more humanlike.

“How do you feel about Kevin?"

I take a deep breath, feeling sick just the mention of his name, “Honestly, I am scared, I am torn, because in the back of my mind I think he is going to come back. I know it’s silly. I mean come on he left me, and didn't even have the decency to really end it. He just said he needed time to think things through, so I get in my moods. Of where I really hate him, to where I really love him, and then I think he is somehow trying to protect me. I just don't even know what to think anymore. I wish I could just move on,” I say.

“I like that phrase move on, what do you feel that really means?”

“Um, to leave the past behind and not care to look back.”

“You pretty much it the definition on the nail.”

“At least I know that much,” I say, trying to make light of this somehow. Could it be that I don’t want to move on, and that is why I can’t. Still I don’t feel hundred-percent that is the reason either.

"Do you feel you would be able to move on, if he were to formally break it off, meaning if he did face to face?"

"Yes, I do."

"I see, would you be surprised to know that if even if he did break-up with you face to face, you would still be feeling the same way," Violet asks.

"Really? I would think I would be able to move on, if he did.”

“Not really, I have seen many who have had the face to face break-up, still left with questions unanswered, still thinking they weren't really broken-up. The reality is, you are the one who has to break it off in your mind and heart. If you believe you are broken up, you are. Does this make sense?"

"Yes, but still I feel if he did the face to face break-up, it would somehow force me to move on, it would give me something to remember whenever I would think about him, having a mental image,” I say.

My eyes start to water, damn why am I so emotional? I have taken the steps to move on and I feel it in my bones that I am ready, but then I start to miss him and us.

“I just wish there was a way I could just erase every memory of Kevin.”

“Well, that is not possible, but pinpointing what was the cancer in the relationship helps.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well, what do you feel was the downfall of your relationship?” Violet asks.

"I really can't say, other than he repeatedly cheated throughout our relationship, and I like a stupid, naive girl believed him when he said it wasn't his fault, saying that the women seduced him," I say, feeling stupid that I even admitted what I believed.

"Don't feel that way, there are many possible reasons why you believed him. He was your image of a perfect man, and of course, he’s a charmer, who did exactly that to you,” Violet says.

"Yes, he is. I use to say to myself that he couldn't help being charming and sexy. That it was not his fault that women wanted him, brainwashing myself in believing he had no choice in the matter. I can't even believe that I believed the stupidity I am saying," I say.

I feel my temperature rise, feeling like the a/c stopped working.

"You believed what you wanted to, there is no way around what the heart wants, until it gets hurt a few thousands of times.”

I start to cry, she was right. I believe what I wanted because, I wanted to believe that he loved me.

“It’s OK Julie, don't ever blame yourself," Violet says.

"I see that now, even when he gave me reasons why he was late, or couldn’t answer the phone, I would think he was up to something. The lawyer side of me, would fit pieces together that made sense, but when he gave his version, I felt like I was in the wrong and forgave him, until recently. Sometimes the truth is not easy to see.”

“I agree, especially when it is so close.”

“True,” I say, grabbing for another tissue. Still tears stream down, but I am feeling better.

"Writing has always helped me and others get their feelings out, I suggest you get a notebook and just write."

"About what?"

"It's up to you. You can write about what we discussed here, or you can write whatever comes to mind. You'll be amazed how therapeutic it is," Violet says.

"OK, I'll try it."

"Does Kevin know of your plans?”

“I don’t think so.”

“So you don’t have mutual friends?”

“No.”

“Well, just my best friend knows him, but he is on her bad list.”

Violet cracks a smile. “I can see why.”

“And of course, he hasn't called me, but I have been getting this sick feeling in my stomach, like he will soon, and I’m not strong enough to talk to him yet." My heart starts racing, just thinking of talking to him again.

"Why are you so nervous?"

"Because this time I don't want to take him back, at least not for a while. I want to try being alone for awhile and see what I’m made of.”

“It sounds like you really want this new life without him."

"I do, but I know Kevin. He is not one to take rejection well."

"Again, this is called manipulation. Don't let him get you to do something you don’t want to, remember you have freewill. You don't owe him anything or anyone else," Violet says.

The air felt like it was being sucked from me. I took little breaths, feeling my temperature rise.

"You are doing great Julie, write in your journal and don't be afraid of Kevin."

I smile, seeing Violet get a little frazzled. I can tell she does not like controlling men, and I thank God Amanda recommended her.

"We have about 15 minutes left, is there anything else you would like to talk about?"

I struggle with what comes to mind, but I want my sessions to be beneficial.

"I miss intimacy," I say, really wanting to say sex. Feeling so out of place, what is wrong with me.

“So you aren’t having sex?” Violet asks.

"No, I am not seeing anyone,” I answer, at bit taken that she was surprised.

Violet looks up at me, with a puzzled look, like saying are you kidding me.

"Have you ever pleased yourself?"

I struggle to answer, what did she mean please myself?

"Have you ever had sex with yourself?”

My face is on fire, what in the world was happening here?

"There is nothing to be ashamed about Julie, if that is how you feel. It is normal to please one's self."

"No, I haven't."

"Why not?"

"Well for one, Kevin was around and there was no need for it," I say.

"So he always sexually satisfied you? And you were never lacking intimacy in the relationship?"

Again I feel like I am under the gun, sweat bubbles start to form on my brow and armpits, Violet’s questions were like daggers in my heart, and I did not know how to answer them.

"No, not always," I say, holding down my right hand, feeling it tremble, not wanting to look like a nervous wreak.

"It's OK Julie, I sense sex isn't a topic you are comfortable talking about but you are not alone."

Again she comes out with a statement that is spot on.

"Well, yes...I've had issues with it and I am not sure why."

"Good, the first step in solving an issue is acknowledging it, please do not take this the wrong way. Thinking that there is something wrong with you because there isn't. Many women and men have this issue and most of the time it stems from childhood and what was seen home. So I want you to think about it and if you like, write about the first time you were aware of sex as a child," Violet says.

"OK, but honestly, I don't remember ever thinking about it as a child," I say.

"Maybe you don’t remember because it is being blocked by your subconscious mind, but writing may bring that out one day, or you are right and there is nothing being blocked by your mind. In that case, write about the first time you discovered sex. Either way just writing about sex will help you get to the root of your sexual insecurities."

"I remember being in college around 18," I say.

"Good, then write about it. How did you feel? What was the circumstance?"

I smile feeling a little better, Violet was right I needed to explore my sexual feelings. I really had no idea why I was so on the fence about sex, almost like it was dirty and I shouldn't enjoy it.

"Good luck with the interview," Violet says.

"Thank you, I am excited."

“I'm going away for a week long conference... the earliest I can see you is in two weeks, but here is my number if there is an emergency," Violet says, while writing her cell number on the back of a business card.

"Here you go," she says.

I get up and reach for the card, "I am glad I listened to Amanda and came to see you."

"I am too and if you need to talk, call."

"I will.”

“Oh, and another thing,” Violet starts out saying.

“Yes,” I say, looking at her.

“Get a vibrator and explore sex alone.”

My face drops, I was not expecting that.