Goodness and Light (15 page)

He threw her another spiteful parting shot. “I want the snowflake back. Since it’s clear it and I mean nothing to you, I want it back.”

She nodded, refusing to look at him. He watched her shoulders move like she had to force them to hold her body up. Finally, she turned. “I’m—”

“Do
not
say you’re sorry or I will lose it, I swear. If you were sorry, you’d stay. We’ve already established that you’re scared so you go on back to Kara’s, eat some cookies and curl up in a ball. After you tell your circle what’s been going on with you all these years—after they tell you what a
coward
you are, give me a call. Maybe I’ll pick up.” He stood, stalked to the door, cursed when she stepped back and through it. He wanted to grab her and shake her senseless and because he knew, too well, what could happen when he let his fury rule him, he slammed and bolted the door between them.

And threw his fist at the wall beside it.

K
ara and Cassandra were waiting for her at the door.

“Laney? Lucas called us. I’m so, so sorry, honey.”

When Elena didn’t—couldn’t—answer, it was Cass who wrapped an arm around her, and took her in. The tears fell and the sobs shook her body while her sister and closest friend held her, rocked her, murmured soothing words to her.

It was a long time before she could talk. And when she started, she couldn’t stop. She told them all of it, every unbelievable, heart-shattering word.

“It was him?” Kara whispered, her own eyes damp. “You’re positive?”

“Kara, he has the other snowflakes and besides, he
knew
.”

“Knew what?” Cassandra prodded.

Elena straightened up, wiped the tears off her face, and prayed for courage. “Knew what I was thinking. I never told you this—I never told anybody this, but that day, walking down the ramp to the pits, I thought about—” her voice cracked. “Thought about—”

“No.” Kara’s eyes popped.

“I thought about throwing my leg over that rail and—”

“No, damn it, Laney, no!” Kara cried, grabbing for her, but Elena leaped up and walked away, to the tree Lucas had found for her—for them.

Cass cleared her throat. “Laney, honey, I know—we all know how hard it was to lose your mom, but you have to know she’d have hated—”

A laugh bubbled up from her chest—hysterical and raw and not the least bit joyful. “Oh, that’s not all of it.”

Kara grabbed her phone. “I’m calling the girls. I’m calling Gigi and Enza and Joann, too. You need help, sweetie. You—”

Cassandra gently took the phone from Kara’s hand, shook her head. “No. No, Elena doesn’t need to be smothered right now. Laney. Tell us all of it. Tell us why.”

Elena’s knees went weak. She sat on the floor, right by the tree, and just stared at all the lights and ornaments. There was one ornament not on that tree. It was wrapped in a box and hidden deep in her suitcase. “Curtis Fox. Curtis Fox is the reason why.”

Kara cursed. “For heaven’s sake, Elena.”

“I remember this guy. You were in—what, ninth grade?” Cass put in.

“Tenth. I was head over heels for him. We cut class to—ah, you know.”

Kara made a sound that made her disgust clear.

“Mom found out, grounded me. We had a huge fight. I told her I hated her guts. That I wished she’d drop dead.”

When neither girl said anything, Elena added the last straw. “That was the last thing she heard from me before she died.” The silence pressed on her like a weight. She stared at her sister, at her friend.

Waited for it.

Braced herself for it.

“Well?” she demanded. “Say it.”

Kara and Cass exchanged a look. “What, honey?”

Elena blew hair from her eyes. “
Laney, you always ruin everything.
” She waited a beat, her heart thundering in her ears. “I’ve heard those words so many times and I’ve been waiting, just waiting, for you guys to say it now—now that you know.”

It took her a few minutes but then Kara gasped. “Oh no, Laney! This is why you stayed away—because you were afraid of some stupid bratty
I told you so
I said when we were little?”

Elena flung up her hands. “It’s not just the words, Kara. It’s the look. Every time I ruined something special you and Mom had going on, you said that and looked at me with all this pain and disappointment and I swear, that hurt more than anything. And every time, I swore, I vowed I wouldn’t be bad again and somehow, I always was.”

Kara shook her head. “You were a kid, honey. Challenging and difficult, but a kid. None of us blame you for what happened to Mom.”

“Maybe not. But how can you not blame me for letting her die angry?”

Kara bit her lip and Elena knew she had no words to explain that away because it was true.

“Elena,” Cass finally said. “I still don’t understand why or how this affects you and Luke.”

At the mention of his name, her tears began all over again. “Because of the signs. She’s punishing me. She’s punishing me and I deserve it, I deserve every bit of it, and I’m sorry! I’m so, so sorry, but I’ll never get to tell her that. She’ll never forgive me.”

Why hadn’t her mom found a way to speak to her—to forgive her—like Luke’s had? She’d had a moment, a second, really, when she’d thought he was right—that finding each other so many years later was a sign. But when he told her how certain he was that he’d felt a touch on his cheek, she knew it was nothing more than wishful thinking and she had to leave. Immediately. It was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. And even Lucas—who understood more than anyone ever had—looked at her with that same expression of disappointment and fury she’d experienced most of her life.

You ruin everything, Laney.

She sobbed until she fell into an exhausted sleep, only dimly aware of Cassandra and Kara trying to comfort her.

T
he next morning, Elena woke to a rude nudge. “Get up.”

She bolted upright to find Cassandra standing over her with her arms crossed and her face tight.

Blinking swollen and hurt-filled eyes at her, she groaned “What?”

“I said get up.”

“Cass, for the sake of my sanity, leave me alone.”

“Read my lips.” She leaned closer, her expression fierce “No. Way.” Elena’s lip quivered and Cassandra sighed. “Oh, Laney. You’ve had way too many years to deal with this alone. Now, you’re going to have to deal with all of us.”

All of them? Wonderful. Elena scrubbed her hands over her bleary eyes and climbed to her feet, found the whole crew gathered in Kara’s living room. Strong and steady Sabrina sat next to Elena’s hormonal and broken-hearted sister, both of them wearing similar expressions of outrage and pity. Elena snapped up both hands and shook her head. “No. I cannot do this right now.”

“I repeat, you have had too many years. Sit down.” Cass ordered.

“I have to pee.” Elena practically ran to the bathroom, locked herself in, trying hard to calm her shattered nerves. She could hear all of the girls whispering about her. When she heard Bree ask if there were razor blades in the bathroom, she flung the door open and stepped out, concluding it was easier to just rip off the bandage and get it over with.

“Okay. Say what you need to.” She walked to Kara’s kitchen, sat on a stool and faced her executioners.

“Honey, what do you think we’re gonna do—beat you?” A voice said from the phone in Bree’s hand.

Elena jerked. “Damn it, you called Jade, too?”

“Of course we did.” Cassandra folded her arms. “When one of us is hurt, all of us bleed.”

Kara put up a hand. Jade’s question deserved an answer. “Is that why you never said anything?” she asked quietly, her eyes as red and swollen as Elena’s. “Because you thought we’d slap at you?” Her tone held pain. “Is that what you really think of us?”

“Kara.” Bree shook her head, a warning. “Laney, when I found out I was pregnant, do you remember what happened?”

Elena nodded, unable to look at her.

“Did anybody make me feel like crap? Did anybody say any of the things I was so afraid they’d say?”

“No,” Cassandra cut in. “I’d have kicked their butts if they’d tried.”

Elena looked from face to face. They didn’t understand. They didn’t get it. Getting pregnant was a beginning, not an end. It resulted in something happy—Charlie, Bree’s daughter.

What Elena had done was permanent.

Irrevocable.

Unforgivable.

“Show of hands.” Elena thrust her own into the air. “How many of you told your mom you hated her before she died?” When no hands joined hers, she nodded bitterly. “So please don’t tell me you understand.”

Bree looked away, pressed a hand to her mouth. But Jade voiced her opinion, her anger loud and clear through the tiny speaker on the cell phone. “You’re wrong. You’re so wrong, Laney. We know you. We
know
you. We know you loved your mom. We know and so did she.”

Slowly, robotically, Elena shook her head, pressed her hands over that dark and cold hole in her chest, but it grew and expanded and spread and she knew she couldn’t hold it in, couldn’t hold it back. “But she didn’t!” The words exploded from her on a sob that scraped her raw. “I never got to tell her, to apologize for all my stupid tantrums and rudeness and disobeying.”

The girls folded her into their arms, stroked her hair until she quieted. Bree pressed a box of tissues into her lap and then fetched her a bottle of water, while Cass covered her with a blanket. But Kara crossed her arms over her round belly and sat in the farthest corner of the sofa.

“I’m so mad at you, Laney. All these years, you stayed away. All this time, wasted. Why didn’t you tell us? Why didn’t you
trust
us?”

Elena lifted her heavy head. “Trust? You think I didn’t
trust
you?”

“You obviously didn’t.” Kara rubbed her belly, avoiding Elena’s eyes.

“No. No, that’s not why I didn’t tell any of you.”

“Then why?” Kara demanded, her voice thick.

It took her a long moment, but Elena finally found the words—or maybe, just the courage to say them out loud. “The look on your face is burned into my brain—it haunts me, Kara. It tortures me.”

“My
face?” Kara repeated.

Elena nodded. “Mom and I never got along but you and Mom were best friends. I saw the same look on your face every time something happened in your life—graduation, moving here, the baby—you miss her and it’s my fault she’s not here with you right now. If she hadn’t been so upset with me, maybe she wouldn’t have left for work so early—” Elena pressed both hands over her ears.

When she raised her eyes, she found all of the girls were crying.

“Oh, Elena, you poor kid.” Bree opened her arms, but Elena only shook her head. She didn’t deserve their kindness now. But Bree folded her up in a hug anyway.

“Elena, you’re wrong.” Kara struggled to her feet, turned her sister to face her. “I love you. I don’t blame you for any of it. Do you understand?”

Elena managed a nod, though Kara’s words did little to lighten her burden.

“Mommy adored you, Laney. Yes, you argued a lot, but you were a kid. That’s what kids do. Look at me and Daddy. He’s mad I got pregnant, mad I moved back to New York, mad I went to NYU instead of Bucknell. I’ve said a ton of things to him when I was angry that I didn’t mean.”

At that, Elena lifted her head. Kara and Dad didn’t get along at all. Why had she never noticed that before? “Yeah, but he didn’t die the day after you said them.” Elena slipped from her sister’s arms and fell back to the sofa.

Kara angled her head. “No. No, he didn’t. But he loves me, Laney. Even if I do press his buttons, I know he loves me just like I know Mom loves you.”

Elena shook her head. “No. She died hating me and still hates me, if all of these signs are real.”

“Laney, the only one who hates you is you.” Jade’s voice on the speaker phone made her jump. “Nobody else. You need to put that aside. Everyone in this room loves you. You told us Lucas loves you. All these signs you told us about—Elena, I think you’re right and they’re real—”

Elena folded her arms over her middle and gasped.

“Let me finish,” Jade continued. “I think they’re real and tell me your mother loves you and forgives you. She can’t be here, but she found a way to connect you with someone who will love you, Elena. Someone who can understand exactly what you feel. Why aren’t you all over that?”