Gooney Bird Is So Absurd (6 page)

The substitute teacher looked up from her list. "Repeat that, please."

"Prethent," Felicia Ann repeated miserably.

"Are you receiving speech therapy for your impediment?"

"Excuthe me?" Felicia Ann replied.

"You have a severe lisp. Is the speech therapist seeing you?" the substitute asked.

Felicia Ann looked at the floor.

Gooney Bird's hand shot up. "Permission to speak, Miss Overgaard," she said in a loud voice.

The substitute nodded to her.

Gooney Bird said, "Felicia Ann is missing

her two front teeth. When they grow in, she'll speak just fine. In the meantime, we all think it's rather sweet, the way she talks. And also," Gooney Bird added, "I think it's rude to criticize something that she can't help."

The substitute glared at her. "And you are—?"

"I'm Gooney Bird Greene."

"What kind of ridiculous name is that? And what on earth are you
wearing?
"

Gooney Bird stood beside her desk and looked down at herself. "I'm wearing gray fleece sweatpants from the Gap, and a white ruffled blouse from the Goodwill store—I paid only eighty-nine cents for it and I think it was quite a bargain. I am also wearing bunny slippers, and under the bunny slippers I am wearing one red sock and one yellow sock, because I like a variety of colors; it amuses my feet. And I am wearing a leopard-print vest over my ruffled blouse, and I am wearing a paper Hawaiian lei that my parents brought home from a Polynesian restaurant.

"I am also wearing fake pearl earrings, and in a minute I am going to put on my special brain-warming hat, which is pale green.

"And my name is Gooney Bird, which is a kind of albatross, and my parents named me that because they thought it was unusual and they hoped I would be an unusual person.

"Which I am," Gooney Bird concluded, sitting down. She looked up at Miss Overgaard and added, "Present."

Miss Overgaard glared at her for a moment and then checked off her name in the book.

***

The day did not go well.

First, the substitute announced that she was allergic to all rodents and so the gerbil cage and the hamster cage both had to be removed from the room. Mr. Furillo, the custodian, came to get the cages and promised that he would care for all the class pets in his office; but still, the children could tell that all the gerbils and Harvey, the hamster, were confused and distressed as they were carried out of Mrs. Pidgeon's classroom, the only home they had ever known.

Next, Miss Overgaard looked at Keiko, who was sitting quietly with her hands folded, and asked, "How good is your English?"

Keiko looked up in surprise. "Well, I always get an A in spelling," she said in her soft voice.

"I asked because you appear to be—well, I don't know which, Chinese or Japanese," said the substitute. "I thought you were probably an ESL student. English as a second language."

"Permission to speak," said Gooney Bird again in her firm voice, with her hand raised.

The teacher nodded at her in an irritated way.

Gooney Bird stood, again, beside her desk, a "Keiko's American, same as me, and probably you too, Miss Overgaard, even though I bet your parents or grandparents came from some other country, because if you ask me, two
a
's in a row is very strange—"

"Not in Denmark," Miss Overgaard said with a sniff. "My parents came from Copenhagen."

"Cool. Well, Keiko's grandparents came from Japan. Keiko can even speak Japanese, which is not easy, let me tell you. She tried to teach us some Japanese words for things and I can't remember a single word. Japanese is
hard.
"

"Are you finished, miss?" the substitute asked.

"Yes, I am," said Gooney Bird firmly. She sat down. "And don't call me
miss.
"

Suddenly Tyrone burst into one of his raps. Sometimes he couldn't help himself. It was the way Tyrone let off steam, Mrs. Pidgeon had once said.

"
Day goin' by and people start to cry, 'cuz our teacher be gone and the new one make us yawn—
"

"
New one make us yawn,
" the class chanted, repeating part of Tyrone's rap, as they always did. Malcolm got up from his desk and began to dance.

"
Rub a dub dub, we doan wanna have a sub—
" Tyrone continued.

"
Rub a dub dub,
" chanted the second-graders.

"Silence!" shouted Miss Overgaard. The class obeyed at once.

"Who told you that you could leave your desk?" she said to Malcolm, grabbing his arm. Malcolm began to cry.

"Permission to speak!" said Gooney Bird loudly and then began to speak before Miss Overgaard replied. "Malcolm is hyperactive and dancing is a good way for him to get it out of his system! Mrs. Pidgeon understands that!"

"And she underthtandth my thpeech!" Felicia Ann added.

"
And she likes my rap, she doan think I be a sap,
" chanted Tyrone.

"I want Mrs. Pidgeon back!" Chelsea groaned.

"Me, too!"

"Me, too!"

"We all want Mrs. Pidgeon back!" the class wailed.

Mr. Leroy appeared, suddenly, at the door. "What's the problem here?" he asked. "Mr. Furillo tells me things are not going well in this classroom. Are you giving the substitute teacher a hard time?"

"Make that
former
substitute teacher," Miss Overgaard said. She was putting on her coat. "If you think I'm going to stay one more minute in a classroom that puts up with rodents and rappers and people named for albatrosses..."

She stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her.

The children were wide-eyed at their desks.

"Mr. Leroy," Gooney Bird said, "she was very rude."

"And we didn't even get to do poetry," Beanie added.

"We were going to try poems for different voices today," Tricia explained.

Mr. Leroy looked at his watch. "I think we can manage without an official teacher for a little while. Mr. Furillo and I will be your substitutes today.

"But, class: I have very sad news for you. Mrs. Pidgeon called. Her mother died late this morning."

Keiko gasped, put her head in her arms, and began to cry. All of the children looked shocked and sad.

"Mrs. X!" said Malcolm. "Our room mother!"

"Mrs. Pidgeon wanted all of you to know, before you saw it in tomorrow's paper." Mr. Leroy went to Keiko's desk and rubbed her head gently while she wept.

"She was very, very old," Chelsea said.

"Yes, everybody dies when they get to be very, very old. My dog died when he was thirteen. That's very, very old for a dog," Ben said with a sigh.

"But thtill it maketh you thad," Felicia Ann pointed out, and Ben nodded.

"
Someone bein' dead gives you sadness in your head,
" Tyrone chanted in a mournful way.

"Mrs. Pidgeon was going to tell us the surprise about her mother's name! But she didn't get a chance to!" Barry Tuckerman reminded them.

"Oh." Mr. Leroy chuckled. "I think I know the surprise. Mrs. Pidgeon had already told me, and I'll tell it to you." He told the class about their room mother's name and spelled it for them.

"
Xenia?
What kind of name is that?" Chelsea put her hands on her hips. Mr. Leroy smiled.

"It's Greek," he told the class. "Mrs. Pidgeon's grandparents came from Greece, and her mother had a Greek name. I think the name Xenia actually means 'welcoming.'"

"So when we called her Mrs. X, she really
was
a Mrs. X!" Barry said.

Mr. Leroy nodded. "She thought it was funny, actually. And she was planning to tell you that she really had an AT name. But then she became ill and she never had the chance."

The children became silent again. It made them sad, thinking about never having the chance.

"Permission to speak?" asked Gooney Bird.

Mr. Leroy smiled. "You don't need to ask formal permission," he said gently. "We always love to hear what you have to say, Gooney Bird."

"I have an idea for something we could do for Mrs. Pidgeon."

"We could make cookies!" Beanie suggested.

"Or thend flowerth," said Felicia Ann.

"This is better than cookies and flowers combined," Gooney Bird said. She began to describe her idea.

7.

"Are you ready, Mr. Leroy?" called Gooney Bird, looking up at the open second-floor window of Watertower Elementary School. She was standing in the snowy school playground with the rest of Mrs. Pidgeon's other second-graders, all of them dressed in boots and jackets and mittens and scarves.

Mr. Leroy was at the window, looking down, and he called back to her, "No, wait!"

"Wait for what? It's cold out here and we're all rehearsed and ready!"

"I'm going to give the camera to Mr. Furillo! I decided I want to be in the video! Is that all right with you?"

"Mr. Leroy, Mr. Leroy, Mr. Leroy," Gooney Bird said with a sigh. "You didn't come to the rehearsal!"

"I know. I was busy in the office because a sixth-grader had a behavior problem in the classroom. I had to have a little talk with him. It wouldn't wait."

"Well, we'll take a vote," Gooney Bird said. "Second-graders? Is it okay if Mr. Leroy is in our video? All in favor say 'Aye'!"

A chorus of ayes came from the playground.

"Any nays?" asked Gooney Bird in a loud voice.

But there was none. The children were silent and smiling.

"Good! Thank you! I'll be right down." Mr. Leroy disappeared from the window, and Mr. Furillo, the custodian, appeared holding the video camera.

Inside the second grade classroom, today's new substitute, a pleasant, chubby man with a beard, was reading while he waited for the class to return. They didn't need him for this project.

"Brrrr," said Mr. Leroy when he arrived on the playground. "Cold out here! Where would you like me?" he asked Gooney Bird.

"Stand near Barry," she directed him, "and do what he does, and say what he says, since you haven't rehearsed. You should have worn your boots, Mr. Leroy," she told him, looking disapprovingly at the snow around his shoes. "Your feet are going to freeze."

"Too late," he said. "I'll just suffer."

He made his way toward Barry and stood beside him.

"All right, everyone!" Gooney Bird shouted. "Listen up! Look toward the camera, and remember your parts! Ready?"

"Ready!" the children called.

"Ready, Mr. Furillo?" called Gooney Bird. "Are you sure you know how to work the camera?"

"Yes," Mr. Furillo replied. "I've done it before!"

"Kids: Remember! Outdoor voices!" Gooney Bird reminded them from where she stood nearest the school building. "Okay, Mr. Furillo! Action!"

She stepped forward, looking up toward the window, where the custodian stood with the camera at his eye. For a second she stood silently. Then, in a booming outdoor voice so that she could be heard on the video, Gooney Bird announced,

"This is a Poem for Many Voices!"

She turned and faced the other children and Mr. Leroy. She held up her arms like a concert director.

"Many Voices!" all of the children called.

Gooney Bird Greene turned back to face the camera. "It is a Goodbye Poem!" she said.

The chorus echoed her. "A Goodbye Poem!"

They all stood silently while Gooney Bird carefully lay down on her back in the snow She moved her arms up and down, then stood again.

"A snow angel—" she said.

"For Mrs. X!" the children chanted.

Gooney Bird pointed toward Chelsea, who lay down and made another angel, then stood.

"For our room mother!" Chelsea called.

"Our room mother!" the chorus said.

Gooney Bird pointed to Nicholas, who dropped to the ground and made another angel, then stood. "For Xenia!" he called.

"Xenia!" the chorus replied.

As if she were directing a group of instruments, Gooney Bird pointed quickly to Ben, Felicia Ann, and Beanie. They made their angels together and chanted in unison, "And the angels are for her daughter, too!"

The chorus repeated it.

Gooney Bird pointed to Barry. Barry quickly whispered instructions to Mr. Leroy, and together they lay backwards in the snow and made angels: one small, and one much larger one. "Patricia Pidgeon!" they chanted loudly together, and the chorus repeated the name.

There was a silence, and then Gooney Bird held up both arms and made a gesture. "A good daughter!" everyone chanted.

Another silence. Then: "A good teacher!" they chanted together.

At Gooney Bird's signal, every child—and the principal, following Barry's directions—lay down in the snow. They all moved their arms up and down slowly. From the window where Mr. Furillo was looking down onto the fresh snow that covered the playground, it looked as if a whole flock of birds were preparing to fly.

Then they all stood again, in the outlines of their snow angels.

One by one they each called out a phrase: