Gothic Charm School (16 page)

Speaking of music…if someone were to ask the Lady of the
Manners what Goth music they should explore, this is what she would recommend:

•  
  Staring at the Sea: The Singles 1979–1985
  and
  Disintegration
  by The Cure
  
•  
  A Slight Case of Overbombing
  by The Sisters of Mercy
  
•  
  Twice Upon a Time: The Singles
  by Siouxsie and the Banshees
  
•  
  Crackle
  by Bauhaus
  
•  
  Phantasmagoria
  by The Damned
  
•  
  Serpentine Gallery
  by Switchblade Symphony
  
•  
  Into the Labyrinth
  by Dead Can Dance
  
•  
  Let Love In
  by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
  
•  
  A Life Less Lived: The Gothic Box
  from Rhino Records featuring various artists.
  

Why being called a cliché isn't such a bad thing

There is nothing wrong with being fond of things or having interests that others call clichéd. If they make you happy, what does it matter? The Lady of the Manners thinks everyone should strive to be his or her own person and not to be so wrapped up in What Other People Think. So other Goths roll their eyes because you want to picnic in the graveyard and live your life as if you were a member of the Addams Family—so what? The Lady of the Manners has finally reached the point where she tries very hard not to be as snarky about people embodying various gothy clichés because she herself is a walking
collection of them: looking like she escaped from a Tim Burton movie, holding a strong belief that adding bats and black lace trim are always good design decisions, etc. Not only does the Lady of the Manners now derive quite a bit of amusement from her over-the-top moments of gothness, but she tries to hone and refine the more clichéd aspects of herself in order to make them the more perfect examples of those clichés. It's quite fun, actually.

The Lady of the Manners really does believe that if most of the Snarklings out there in GothyLand would just accept that the whole of Goth is kind of silly and amusing, there would be a lot less angst. That doesn't mean you shouldn't throw yourself into your black-clad, candlelit life wholeheartedly. No, not at all! What it does mean is that you should not only accept that people might poke fun at you but also should be willing to do so yourself. By accepting aspects of yourself that might be considered clichés, you take the power away from people throwing that word around with the intent to upset you. If someone calls you a cliché, raise an eyebrow at her and smile gently. After all, the line between cliché and archetype is very narrow; even if you don't want to transform your interests into quintessential gothy icons and archetypes, those interests are still interesting. Wrap yourself in black velvet, read ghost stories by candlelight while sipping absinthe, and feel smug about the fact that the people who would call you a cliché are probably too wrapped up in worrying about what other people might think about them to enjoy themselves as much as you are at that moment.

In case it somehow escaped your notice, romance is a rather essential part of the Goth mindset. No, the Lady of the Manners doesn't mean romance as exemplified by a certain genre of books with covers that feature the color pink, flowers, or “sassy” cartoons that tend to focus on shoes. Nor is she talking about another sub-genre of books featuring young ladies in flowing nightdresses running away from broodingly handsome men, possibly on horseback, with some sort of picturesque ruin of a manor house or castle in the background. (Though those sorts of books are slightly closer to the Goth concept of romance.) No, what the Lady of the Man
ners is talking about is a sense of mystery and excitement, the sort of intensity romance can bring. The way it invokes a sense of lushness, of flights of fancy, and strong emotions. In other words, when Goths talk about romance, they quite probably are thinking of these sorts of definitions:

•   A quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.
  
•   A novel or other prose narrative depicting heroic or marvelous deeds, pageantry, romantic exploits, etc., usually in a historical or imaginary setting.
  
•   The colorful world, life, or conditions depicted in such tales.
  

Does that mean Goths scoff at the more mainstream, hearts 'n' flowers version of romance? Of course not. Goths
revel
in that sort of thing, if in a slightly darker way than other people. Exchanging longing and/or smoldering looks across a candlelit table? Blood-red roses, walks in the moonlight, pining away in your darkened room over the person you adore—who may or may not know you exist—while listening to wildly emotional music? Oh, please, those are some of the very foundations of the Gothic mindset.

Etiquette for and about crushes

While Goths have a reputation for being gloomy and depressed all the time, that doesn't mean members of the black-clad underground are immune to crushes and twitterpation. (Twitterpation: attraction; causes fluttering in the tummy, silly grins to spread across the face, and almost full-time cases of distraction. You
know how in cartoons a character's eyes go all heart-shaped, or little birds fly around his head when he's taken leave of his senses? That, Snarklings, is twitterpation.) And just like the rest of humanity, many Goths have no clue how to express their feelings or determine whether the object of their affections feels the same way. Now, the Lady of the Manners doesn't claim to be able to provide a checklist that would make everything clear, such as:

•   Given or received flowers—Y/N
  
•   Was asked out to a picnic in a graveyard—Y/N
  
•   Lingering hugs good-bye—Y/N
  

But she does have some suggestions about dealing with crushes—having one, being the object of one, and how to behave gracefully in either situation.

You may have noticed feelings of fluttery uncertainty whenever you're around a particular someone. She makes you feel all silly and bouncy whenever she's near, but you haven't worked up the nerve to do more than burble endlessly about her to your friends. What to do, what to do? If you're already acquainted with this person, try to increase your social interaction; group outings to clubs, movies, and concerts are a good place to start. Also, if you're both part of the same social circle, you can try to make the Goth scene's ever-present gossip network work for you: have your friends subtly try to find out what her friends are saying about you. While you shouldn't take gossip as gospel, it is a good way of getting at least a vague idea of what your crush is thinking (or at least what your crush's friends are thinking). However, try not to resort to the completely transparent and juvenile tactic of having a friend tell the object of your affection of your interest. (No, even if you're a younger
Goth suffering through your first pangs of attraction, you shouldn't stoop to this tactic.) Nor should you post pages and pages of cryptic entries about your crush on your blog or LiveJournal. Remember that ever-present gossip network the Lady of the Manners mentioned just a few sentences ago? That gossip network
thrives
on such cryptic blog posts and will quite happily make up and assign all sorts of meanings to your posts. Not only that, but that ever-present gossip network will then spread new and exciting (and possibly unflattering) rumors about you.

Which leads us to a question: “Should I tell him that I, you know, like him?
Like
him like him?” Well, probably. Keep in mind that your behavior has probably telegraphed your interest in this person to most of your friends already, no matter how circumspect you think you've been. It is one of the cornerstones of the universe: if you have a crush on someone, you are incapable of acting normal around him or her. Don't look at the Lady of the Manners like that and insist you have treated your crush the same way you treat all your friends. You may think you have, but just trust the Lady of the Manners on this one, okay? She's not saying you've started behaving like the clueless-but-endearing lead character in a stereotypical romantic comedy, but there is no way
on earth that you've managed to appear completely cool and collected.

So where does that leave you? After a few weeks or so, the object of your affection might be showing subtle signs you can try to interpret (or ask your friends to interpret, if you're really unsure). Long daily e-mail exchanges, increased social activities, and lingering hugs can usually mean, “I am responding to your interest in me. Now ask me out or kiss me or something.”

(The Lady of the Manners says “usually” here because she is well aware that some people out there like to collect crushes and flirtations. Nothing makes these people happier than a string of besotted admirers following them around. While that in and of itself is not a bad thing, it does make an admirer heartsore and weary after a while. If you suspect that this is happening to you, tactfully quiz mutual friends and find out if the object of your affection is the sort of person who likes to play “collect the set.” If the answer is yes, then you will probably be better off if you ruthlessly quash your attraction and stay just friends, no matter how difficult it seems.)

Some signals can be difficult to interpret. Your crush might say things like, “I don't think I'm cut out for dating,” “I'm happy being single,” or “I don't want to date anyone for a long time” (which is something the Lady of the Manners said to her then-future husband when they first started socializing). This doesn't mean this person is crazy. It might just mean (a) your crush wants to be pursued slowly, (b) your crush doesn't know what he or she wants, which means you have a chance, or (c) your crush feels the need to say that for the sake of pride. Once you notice this sort of behavior, for heaven's sake, ask the object of your affection out. Ask him out to coffee or tea, ask if she'd like to go on a midnight picnic, ask if he'd like to go to the movies. But ask, and make it clear that you are asking about a romantic date-like activity. Don't waffle, don't
write pages and pages of agonized ponderings about whether or not you should. While romantic comedies are rife with scenarios where two people are interested in each other but too shy to do anything about it until fate throws them together, those situations tend not to happen very often in the nonfiction world.