Gothic Charm School (6 page)

There's one final catch to the idea of “costume,” and it's one that seems to occur to everyone who knows a Goth. At some point, when the calendar draws close to Halloween, the suggestion, “Oh, you should dress up like a normal person for Halloween! Wear jeans and a T-shirt and no makeup! That would be really funny!” is made.

(The Lady of the Manners needs to pause, press a limp hand to her brow, and sigh forlornly. Just give her a minute.)

Look, the Lady of the Manners knows that every person who has ever made this suggestion to her has meant well and genuinely thought it was a novel idea. The key phrase in that sentence was “every person,” by the way. Yes, the “dress up like a normal person!” suggestion is one that the Lady of the Manners and every other Goth has heard over and over and over. You know what? Some Goths have even followed through on that suggestion, and that's great. The Lady of the Manners has not and probably won't ever. Because for her and countless other Goths, Halloween is a special day to dress even more elaborately, a chance to dress the way we long to in our black velvet hearts. Or it's a chance to take those spooky clichés and, on a scale of one to ten, ramp them up to thirteen, to revel in imagery of glamorous vampires and witches, and to poke gentle fun at ourselves. (Of course, we run the risk of people not quite getting the joke; one Halloween, the Lady of the Manners wore elaborate black and white Victorian-tinged finery to work. One of her coworkers, walking up to her from behind, said, “Jillian, it doesn't count as a costume if you wear your regular clothes.” Then, the Lady of the Manners turned around and her coworker was treated to a full view of the stage-blood-drenched front of the white blouse and fangs. The coworker took a step back and said, “Oh.”)

 

When you do ask a Goth about her clothing and she replies with something like, “I look like this all the time,” for heaven's sake, do not reply, “No, really?” or otherwise suggest disbelief. This happens to the Lady of the Manners all the time, and it's quite aggravating. The Lady of the Manners understands that to non-Goths,
items such as stripy tights, petticoats, or top hats are not everyday wear. But for some of us, they are. When you respond with, “No, really?” or other doubting comments, you are essentially accusing us of lying to you. Oh, the Lady of the Manners is sure that's not how you mean it, but how else are we to interpret that sort of comment? Certainly there are those in every subculture or community who find amusement in making up fibs and stories in response to well-intentioned questions from complete strangers, but the majority of Goths (and other people) answer such questions in a truthful manner. So when a questioner responds to our answer with a doubting comment, we (quite naturally) feel a little resentful. If you have already made up your mind as to why we look the way we do, why on earth are you bothering to ask us about it?

Another touchy topic related to asking Goths about their clothing is, well, the people who feel compelled to reach out and touch or pet the gothy finery without asking permission. You would be surprised how often this happens, and the Lady of the Manners is somewhat bewildered as to why. One theory is that the more elaborate and fancy our outfits, the more we Goths look like interesting dolls; it seems many people's instinctive reaction to interesting dolls is an impulse to examine the clothing. Another theory is that Goth clothing is usually made from interestingly textured fabrics. Velvets, silks, lace, PVC—all materials that make people want to reach out and touch them. Velvet jackets, petticoat-fluffed skirts, and feather-adorned hats all seem to have a magnetic draw for people who don't encounter such finery on a daily basis. (The Lady of the Manners has discovered that ladies of a certain age—oh fine, little old ladies—are the sort of people who have no qualms whatsoever about patting or fluffing full skirts worn by someone else. This well-meaning invasion of privacy can probably be explained by the fact that the little old
ladies are so delighted to see someone wearing petticoats that they just have to gently rustle the tulle and chiffon, but it's still a little unnerving and rude.)

The Lady of the Manners would like to think that this is an obvious bit of advice but still feels compelled to state it very clearly: always ask permission before touching someone you don't know! Just because someone looks different or exotic (or pregnant—how often have you heard a pregnant lady complain about random people touching her belly?) does not mean he or she has escaped from a petting zoo. If you are talking to a person who makes it clear he does not want to have his clothing or hair touched, please honor his wishes. Do not argue with him (no matter how good-naturedly you try to present your reasons for wanting to touch him), and do not completely ignore his wishes and start grabbing at him anyway. Just because someone has pink hair or is wearing fluffy skirts or has interesting tattoos does not mean that she does not need personal space or privacy.

Just as it is important to ask permission before you touch someone, it is also important to ask first before taking someone's photo. The Lady of the Manners realizes that in this modern age of camera phones, asking a stranger's permission before imitating the paparazzi probably seems a trifle quaint. But the Lady of the Manners is quite serious about it. Just because you have the ability to take a photo of someone doesn't mean they want you to. The Lady of the Manners has been unwittingly photographed by strangers while walking down the street (in various countries, no less), waiting in line at Disneyland, and out for a fancy dinner with her dear husband. In every one of those situations, if the person who desired a photo had just come up and asked first, the Lady of the Manners probably would have acquiesced. But there is something not only disconcerting, but annoying and slightly upsetting,
about being distracted from what one thought was a private dinner by the sight of someone aiming a camera phone in one's direction and snapping away.

The Lady of the Manners can just hear you saying, “But what if they say no?” Well, then, they say no, and you will just have to live without a photo of that person. Mind you, most of the time, if you ask politely, you will indeed get your photo op. The Lady of the Manners is always amused by people who stop her and ask to take her photo; when she has asked the photo snappers why they want to take her photo, she has gotten responses as varied as, “Because my kid dresses kinda like you” to “Um, because you look, um, different?”

But even with those assorted pitfalls the Lady of the Manners has warned you about (“costume,” “no, really,” and touching or taking photos of people without permission), she absolutely wants to encourage you to ask questions of the gothy black-clad types you see around. Please! Feel free to ask them about their appearance! Feel free to ask them how they get their hair to look like that, or what brand of eyeliner they've so meticulously applied. Ask them about where they found such interesting clothing, or if they made it themselves; even ask them for advice or tips on sewing and DIY
fashion. (The Lady of the Manners has even been asked if she had any safety pins she could spare, as the questioner needed them to carry out some emergency clothing repairs.) Don't feel you should avoid speaking to any Goths you see, or that you can't ask them questions that you'd ask other people. They're not scary monsters or dangerous people. They merely look different from you.

Goths, while flamboyant, eccentric, strange, and unusual, are not that different from “regular people” when it comes to conversation. One obvious conversational difference is that many Goths will come across as shy or taciturn and perhaps not very interested in talking to you. It's because, on the whole, Goths are a bit…wary of entering into conversations with people they don't know very well. Not because they don't like other people, but because of a (hopefully unwarranted) worry that the strangers trying to strike up a conversation aren't actually interested in talking but, rather, are interested in amusing themselves by playing a brisk game of “taunt the weirdo.” Or because (as many Goths have found) talking about their interests and lives outside of the work environment will garner them even more strange looks, or that they'll have to spend a very long time explaining why their interests and hobbies don't mean they're dangerous psychos. So don't be put off if the black-clad, pale, and interesting creature that you're trying to chat with doesn't respond to your conversational overtures with wild enthusiasm. Just keep your part of the conversation casual, friendly, and open.

Which means that walking up to that black-clad, pale, and interesting creature and commenting on her “costume,” saying, “It isn't Halloween yet,” or making comments about her casting a spell simply isn't really a fabulous way to break the ice. No matter how witty you think those comments are, chances are good that
the poor Goths have heard it before. (Many, many times before. Probably as many times as a non-Goth has heard, “How about this weather?”) If you're lucky, they'll take pity on you and either smile wanly or answer with, “Oh no, I dress this way all the time.” If you're unlucky, they'll stare blankly at you, glare at you, or answer with a curt “no” and walk away. If you're very unlucky (or if the Goths haven't read any of the Lady of the Manners's words of advice), they may snarl insults at you or indulge in some outrageous behavior designed to scare you off. This doesn't mean you shouldn't ask them about their appearance; just don't feel you have to make a joke about it. There is nothing wrong with a direct, “That's a very interesting outfit/hair color/parasol/bag. Is it for a special occasion?”

Also, don't assume they're dressed like that because they want attention. Many Goths (the Lady of the Manners included) dress in an elaborate manner every day because that's what makes them happy. It's not a case of trying to elicit a reaction from strangers; it's a case of knowing who one is and being comfortable in one's skin. The Goths who express themselves through their wardrobe aren't doing it to draw attention to themselves; they're applying their preferred aesthetic and bringing the world around them closer to what they want it to be.

Finally, if you want to compliment the fabulously dressed creature you just saw, please do! If you particularly admire his hair, boots, lipstick, or anything about him, you shouldn't feel too shy to say so. Compliments are a lovely surprise, and the Lady of the Manners thinks the world would be a better place in general if people gave each other more sincere compliments, instead of shouting comments at each other and random strangers. (An aside: no, shouting “You're hot!” at someone is not actually a compliment. A general rule to follow is if you have to shout
something at someone, it most likely will not be taken as a compliment but rather as harassment.)

A few words for the Goths reading this chapter

Look, you realize that most of the “norms” or “mundanes” who are going to approach you and ask about your “costume” or want to take your photo mean well, right? The majority of them aren't looking to harass you or cause a scene—they just want to know why you look different and “what's the deal?” with your appearance. Which means that you absolutely should not be snarly, snippy, or hostile with them for being brave enough to ask questions of a complete (and different-looking) stranger. (Oh, come on; you knew the Lady of the Manners was going to say that. Don't try to pretend you didn't.)

Mind you, this doesn't mean that you have to spend ages talking to them about Goth and what it is all about. A few quick words like, yes, your hair really is blue, or you're wearing a frock coat because you like it, are really all that you need to say. Also, if someone asks to touch your clothing or hair, you absolutely are not obligated to say yes. Don't recoil in horror or shriek; a calm “No,
I'd rather you didn't” is all you should need to say. (If the person doesn't pay attention to your polite refusal, move out of touching range and say, “No, please don't touch me.” If the hint still doesn't register, repeat the “No, don't touch me” message in a much louder, sterner tone of voice. When all else fails, walk away, preferably to someplace well lit, with a lot of other people around.)

The Lady of the Manners realizes that her entire message to all of Gothdom can be distilled down to, “Look, just be polite, okay?” but feels that she must especially stress this with regard to non-Goths coming up and asking questions. Remember, most non-Goths are laboring under the misconception that Goths are at the very least depressed anti-social freaks and at the very worst blood-drinking, demon-worshipping deviants and fiends, neither of which is a particularly accurate stereotype. Being polite when someone asks a question about your appearance is, in many ways, the most shocking thing you could do. The questioner doesn't realize that you've probably been asked over and over if that's your real hair, why you are wearing a top hat, why you have all those tattoos and whatever do they mean? This is probably the first time the person asking has spoken to one of those vaguely spooky black-clad types. So try not to reinforce any of the negative stereotypes that may be rattling around in his or her head, no matter how many times you've been asked that sort of question.