Gothic Charm School (4 page)

The age gap (also known as, " Am I too old for this?")

Remember a few pages ago when the Lady of the Manners mentioned how Goth is frequently viewed as a teenage phase? As if Goth were something that only interested young'ns flailing and searching around for who they are and what it all means? That an interest in all things dark and macabre, that refusing to act as if the world is at all times a happy and shiny place, are childish passions only to be indulged for a short time until one “grows up” and takes one's place in a gray and dreary world devoid of magic, dark sparkle, and whimsy?

To say that the Lady of the Manners disagrees with that line of thinking is putting things very mildly. Oh, the Lady of the
Manners does understand where the idea comes from—make no mistake about that. The people who are frequently
most
visible in their dark plumage and finery tend to be those who don't have to worry about making a “good impression” on a potential employer. Adults, who
should
know better, often still fear that they must hide who they truly are and blend in with the other denizens of the everyday world to make a living. And those of us who make no attempt to blend in are frequently assumed to be younger than we are. A few years ago, a new-ish coworker of the Lady of the Manners struck up a conversation with her about her appearance. Eyeing her black-frilled skirts, black velvet jacket, stripy tights, and top hat, the coworker asked, “So is this a Goth thing?” When the Lady of the Manners cheerfully acknowledged this, the coworker went on to say, “Oh, well you're probably too young to know about this, but Goth actually got started back in the '80s, when I was a teen…”

At this point, the Lady of the Manners gently interrupted him and asked how old he thought she was. The nice coworker had assumed that the Lady of the Manners was a good decade younger than she really was. While the Lady of the Manners takes no small amount of glee in the fact that slathering on sunblock and avoiding daylight whenever possible does help preserve a youthful appearance, the truth of the matter is that her coworker had fallen into the trap of assuming that no one over the age of twenty-five could possibly be a Goth.

So why do people think there's a “use-by” date on being a Goth? Perhaps because people think Goths are either moody teenagers in black or mid-twenties clubgoers in glossy vinyl outfits, and that being a Goth is something you grow out of, not into. Which, if you stop to think about it, is preposterous.

There are those who didn't come to the Goth subculture in
their teenage years, people who have slowly developed a fondness for the dark, gloomy beauty and whimsy that the world has to offer, who, possibly, weren't aware that there was a whole subculture and philosophy they could call home. Because of the stereotypical view that Goth is only for those in their teens and early twenties, these people worry that they shouldn't explore this world of dark enchantments, that at most they can dabble in it every year at Halloween or when the fashion industry decrees that inky-hued velvet and black nail polish are in style for a season. The Lady of the Manners feels particularly wistful about these adults who think they can't express themselves the way they want to, and encourages them to consider Goth something more than a mere costume they can put on once a year. However, the Lady of the Manners will admit there are some pitfalls awaiting “old” people exploring the Goth subculture for the first time, things they should be wary of if they don't want to look like they're trying too hard.

Warning the First: Age-appropriate looks, please. Don't draw
all
over your face with eyeliner, and don't feel you must wear head-to-toe “I am the Queen of the Night” spooky vampire clothes* that
would make you into a walking billboard for certain mall stores or that look like they originally came from a plastic-bagged costume kit. Being a Goth of a certain age means that you probably know the difference between what is an appropriate outfit for a night club and what is an appropriate outfit for work.

Warning the Second: Just because you've decided you're a Goth does not mean you must act depressed, languid, or mysterious all the time. This is a mindset that, er, younger Goths fall prey to sometimes; being older should mean you're a bit wiser about this sort of thing. Goth is a subculture and (for some) a way of life, not an emotional template.

Warning the Third: Do some research. A certain amount of “I wear black because it mirrors my tormented soul!” and “The world is a bleak place! I have written a poem about it/these song lyrics express my deep emotions!” posturing and drama is to be expected from younglings and teens who are floundering about trying to determine who they are. But as an adult taking part in the Goth subculture, you should be a bit more aware of what has drawn you to it. Is it an interest in the occult? In Gothic and Romantic literature? A fondness for dark-colored and antique clothing? If you are able to articulate why you have decided to explore this dark side, even if just to yourself, you won't feel quite as taken aback when someone your own age blurts out, “Oh, I had a Goth phase too. I grew out of it…”

Warning the Fourth: Do not become a Goth just to meet
sexy death chicks and brooding boys
. Don't take this as an affront, but the Lady of the Manners has seen far too many people (of all age groups, to be fair) decide they want to be Goth so they can meet attractive people dressed in black. If this is your whole reason for joining the Goth subculture, perhaps you should rethink things. Also, while there is absolutely nothing wrong with dating someone younger than you, particularly if all of your romances are with people much younger than you, be prepared for gossip and possibly unkind comments.

The joy of growing older is that one becomes more comfortable with oneself, which means not needing to prove how Goth you are by how many Goth stereotypes you live up to. There's nothing wrong with not wearing all black 24/7, or deciding that getting enough sleep so you can go to work the next morning is more important than staying out all night at the club; it doesn't make you less of a Goth, it makes you your own person.

With age comes wisdom; that's the theory, anyway. With age also comes the probability that a person will be more settled in life and able to devote more time, energy, and money to hobbies. While the general public associates Goth with depressed teenagers, many Goths are in their late twenties to thirties or even (gasp) older and have decent enough
jobs that they sometimes have the spare funds to splurge on really extravagant Goth toys or clothes. Also,
ElderGoths
are generally smart enough to realize that appearing on sensationalist TV shows will not do them (or the subculture) any favors. They (hopefully) know the difference between something cool and something that is strictly a marketing gimmick aimed at weird people in black. But the best part of being older and being a Goth? Well-meaning people eventually stop telling you that “it's a phase” you'll “grow out of.”

Do you have to be spooky every day?

On the list of strange assumptions that people have about Goths, there is the belief that Goths are spooky creatures of darkness all the time. That we sleep in coffins, that we don't do anything unless there is a gothy aspect to it, and that we always,
always
wear black
and a face full of makeup. The Lady of the Manners is sure the Goths reading this have encountered people who make this assumption: coworkers or classmates who express astonishment if you wear something other than inky hues. “Wow, you're not wearing all black!” they'll exclaim, as if you hadn't picked out your own clothes. Many of the Lady of the Manners's friends are fond of replying to such comments, in their best startled tone, “I'm not?! Dammit, this was a black shirt when I left the house!” or some other slightly sarcastic response that should cause the commenter to realize the observation was perhaps just a smidge on the obvious side. While it may come as a surprise to some readers, the Lady of the Manners supports gently sarcastic responses to clueless and obvious statements made by non-Goths. The Lady of the Manners doesn't want you to call people idiots, but there's nothing wrong with carefully pointing out that perhaps someone's brain wasn't entirely engaged when she opened her mouth. However, after you point out (in a mildly sarcastic manner) that the comment was kind of silly, you might hear, “But I thought Goths wore black all the time?” Be willing to explain that this isn't actually a requirement, and that the
Secret Goth Cabal
won't banish you for wearing other colors. (There isn't really a
Secret Goth Cabal
. You knew that, yes? But it's a long-standing joke, along with
Goth points
and getting your
Goth card
stamped each time you do something particularly gothy. Take, as an example, one of the Lady of the Manners's recent quiet nights at home. She sat around with black hair dye on her head, reading a vampire novel and listening to The Sisters of Mercy. This earned her many, many nonexistent
Goth points
.)

The Lady of the Manners isn't really sure why people expect Goths to be very Goth all the time. After all, no one expects sports fans to be all about the sport of their choice for every minute of their lives, do they? People aren't surprised when knitting
enthusiasts wear something other than hand-knitted creations. But something about the idea that Goths don't spend all their free time writing morose poetry and lurking about in cemeteries seems to escape a lot of people.

Of course, it doesn't help matters that there are those in our spooky little subculture who…how can the Lady of the Manners phrase this? Who believe the hype, who believe that you must be hard-core ooky-spooky Goth all the time. There is a difference between someone who believes that every day is Halloween and someone who thinks that washing off the eyeliner and watching cartoons while wearing pj's means you're not a
Real Goth
. This latter type of person tends to pick hobbies and interests based on whether they increase the darkling-creature-of-the-night persona, as opposed to whether the hobbies are interesting. These same sorts are usually the ones making lofty pronouncements to their friends, like, “You can't be a
Real Goth
if you like that.” (And yes, you can hear the capital letters in
Real Goth
very well when this sort of person says it.)