Gothic Charm School (8 page)

The Lady of the Manners is not saying that if everyone was polite to each other the universe would be a perfect place full of rainbows and harmony and happy vampires. But you must admit, everyday life would be a lot more pleasant.

How to show support to your babygoth or babybat without relinquishing the keys to the hearse, and everything you need to know to Not Freak Out

Now that the Lady of the Manners has put you at ease about some of the more pervasive rumors concerning Goths (she has, hasn't she?), you may still be wondering about what you should do if you have a Goth in your family. What if your child seems to be exploring the dark side?

When the Lady of the Manners was a little girl, she announced to her parents that she was going to be the Wicked Witch of the West when she grew up. The Lady of the Manners's parents smiled at her and said, “That's nice, dear.” When the Lady of the Manners was a little bit older and allowed to roam freely through the local library, she would trundle home laden with books about witches, vampires, and ghosts. When the concerned librarian pointed this
out to the Lady of the Manners's parents, they smiled and said, “Isn't it wonderful how much she likes to read?” When the Lady of the Manners hit adolescence and started doodling on her face with eyeliner and listening to strange music, the Lady of the Manners's parents said, “That's very creative, dear. If you get straight A's on your next report card, you can dye your hair purple.” What the Lady of the Manners is trying to show by example here is that becoming a Goth doesn't mean becoming a Satanist, doing drugs, joining a cult, or contemplating suicide, or murder. But many people (most of whom should know better) will assume exactly those sorts of things about your fledgling Goth child based solely on his or her appearance. If you really want to be supportive, speak up in your child's defense. If someone makes a comment about the way your child looks, talk about how glad you are that he is an individual with his own sense of style. Explain that just because your child chooses to look “that way” doesn't make him evil or disturbed. And it certainly
doesn't
make you a bad parent.

Be warned: even people close to you might spout off with this sort of nonsense. Practice your best calm, polite tone of voice coupled with an icy smile. Better yet, teach your
babygoth
to respond to these comments in a polite, “Yes, I always look like this; no it's not a costume; you're right, it isn't Halloween yet” manner. Because the truth is, no matter what your child looks like, there will always be people who make snide comments or say hurtful
things. The earlier you can teach your children how to deal with conflict gracefully, the better off they'll be when dealing with all sorts of things throughout their lives.

Nowadays, there are all sorts of places where one can buy what amounts to a “Goth starter kit.” Shopping malls are filled with chain stores that cater to the young and spooky. There's nothing wrong with that, and everyone needs to start somewhere. However, not only can that get expensive, but it's rather…stale. Not creative. Even (gasp!) a touch conformist, in that “I am a unique dark snowflake, just like everyone else” sort of way. Instead, encourage your child to develop a personal style by visiting thrift stores together and assembling a unique gothy wardrobe. Not only will you save money, but the skills your child will learn from this (such as sewing, painting, developing a sense of design) are useful things everyone should know. If your child's interest in DIY fashion becomes strong enough, perhaps you would allow her to host gothy craft days. Let her invite her spookster friends over for an afternoon of working on craft projects or trying out new looks with each other's wardrobes and makeup. (See Chapter 8 for a whole flock of suggestions about customizing basic items of clothing.) If the notion of a house full of
babybats
playing with eyeliner makes you wince, remember that you don't have to be right there sewing on lace trim or helping apply liquid eyeliner. Being willing to let your
babybat
's friends come hang out in your home without expressing overt disapproval will mean a lot to them. Besides, this way you and the other parents can feel reassured knowing the flock of
babybats
are safe at home instead of roaming off to the mall and loitering for hours on end.

Another thing to remember about fledgling Goths: You're still the parent! You are perfectly within your rights to say things like, “I don't think you should wear a corset to school,” “Please don't
wear black lipstick when we go to your grandparents' house,” or “That's inappropriately revealing for someone your age; please go change clothes.” If you wouldn't tolerate certain types of behavior before, there's no reason for you to go along with them now, just because your child has developed an interest in Goth. (The Lady of the Manners is well aware that this will be read with dismay by some of her teenage readers, but she hopes they understand that some things just aren't appropriate when you're a young
gothling
. Besides, compromising with your parents on some things will go a long way toward keeping the family peace, and there will be pages and pages of advice for you later on in the book. Patience, young Snarklings. Your time will come.)

Try to keep an open mind about things, and do some research. Don't dismiss something out of hand because the only information you have about your child's newfound spookiness comes from sensationalist news stories designed to boost TV ratings. Ask your child questions and take the opportunity to discuss his interests as impartially as possible. Those new interests may be things you wouldn't have chosen for him, but it doesn't make the interests themselves awful or evil.

And for heaven's sake, don't refer to your child's interest in Goth as “a phase.” Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but calling it a phase is a quick way to convince her that you don't take her seriously. Even if it is a phase, there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone has phases of exploration, be they football, musical instruments, or black eyeliner. Trying on new identities isn't a cause for alarm. But one thing you should attempt to avoid is trying
too
hard to share your
babygoth
's every new enthusiasm. Being supportive is one thing; rushing out and buying yourself a matching black velvet outfit and tagging along everywhere is another. Being a supportive parent is good; a smothering “we can do everything together!” approach is
not. Even if you think you and your child are best friends, there are going to be times when she thinks that you're horrible, that you are evil personified, and that you just don't understand her! The Lady of the Manners is blessed with absolutely wonderful parents, and there were times when all she did was lock herself in her room and sulk because she was convinced they didn't understand her. (The Lady of the Manners has been known to call up her parents and apologize for her adolescent self; the Lady of the Manners's parents are vastly amused by this.)

The moody, sullen, brooding aspects of teenage Gothdom are going to happen no matter what you do. Chances are, they would have set in even if your child wasn't a Goth; isn't sullenness and brooding a part of adolescence for everyone? You should still make sure your kid's okay, but don't assume that things are worse than they really are just because of some black velvet and a lot of eyeliner.

These things are not necessarily cries for help. Perhaps your kid has discovered a form of self-expression, and that's a good thing.