Gothic Charm School (7 page)

Some of you may have come up with the oh-so-clever notion of treating those non-Goths the same way they're reacting to you. Pointing, exclaiming loudly at what they're wearing, taking photos of them, and other such shenanigans. The Lady of the Manners would like to take this opportunity to ever-so-gently point out that that sort of behavior is, well, dumb. Petty and pointless, really. The non-Goths you do that to probably aren't
going to have a blinding realization like, “Wow, I bet it's just as annoying and exasperating when I act like this toward those weird people in the funny black clothes! I shall stop doing that immediately!” No, the non-Goths on whom you would inflict that sort of behavior would probably think, “Wow, those people in the funny black clothes are not only weird, but jackasses too! I guess all the bad things I've heard about them must be true!” Not to mention, why on earth would you want to waste your time harassing people and taking photos of them just because you may have been asked slightly foolish questions or had your photo taken? Don't you have better things to do with your time and energy? (Yes, you do, Snarklings. Don't even try to convince the Lady of the Manners that you don't. There are squillions of things that you could and should be doing instead of being an annoyance to others.)

A brief primer on how to behave and what to wear if you decide to explore the Goth scene with your spooky acquaintances

What if, after spending time talking to the Goths you know, you realize you'd like to socialize with them more often and want to ask to go to the local Goth club with them? To see them in their “natural habitat,” as it were? There's nothing wrong with that; just understand that you will be a tourist in their world and need to be aware of some things.

Thing the First: Think long and hard about why you want to go to the local gothy nightspot. Is it to see friends of yours who are part of the scene? Is it because you're trying to decide
if you want to become an active participant in the local Goth scene? Is it because you like the music? Great! All of those are good reasons, unlike, say, wanting to try to pick up one of those
sexy death chicks
or
brooding boys
because “everyone knows they're sluts.” (Which is no more a truth in the Goth subculture than in the rest of the non-Goth population, by the way, just in case you were confused and believed such nonsense.) That is a bad reason. Be aware of the worlds of difference between good reasons and bad reasons.

Thing the Second: Try to dress to blend in. Black or dark clothing, if you please, and no sneakers, baseball caps, or bad attempts at extravagant eyeliner and black lipstick. A plain dress or a shirt and trousers in black or deep jewel tones are just fine. No, you won't be as elaborately dressed as many of the club attendees, but you're just visiting and trying not to stick out, so don't worry about it.

Thing the Third: Be very, very polite to the staff. Tip the bartenders. Do not ask the DJ if he has the latest Top 40 hit song. The staff will probably already be keeping a watchful eye on you, so do what you can to prove to them that their suspicions are unfounded.

Thing the Fourth: Don't be surprised if people stare or are obviously whispering about you, and don't get belligerent about it either. You are the odd one here, not the rest of the club patrons. Remember what the Lady of the Manners said about being polite to the staff? (Yes, you do; it was in the previous paragraph.) Well, you should also be very, very polite to the other people at the club, even if you think they're a bunch of freaks. After all, you decided to go to their club. Will you attract whispers and stares even if you pay attention to Thing the Second and dress to blend in? Maybe, maybe not. If you carry yourself in a manner that shows you're
comfortable with what you've decided to wear and with the surroundings, then probably not. But if you seem nervous, wary, or disapproving, of course there will be odd glances cast your way. People will wonder why you seem uneasy and may themselves be a little wary about striking up a conversation with you.

But who knows? You may find that you enjoy going to the dark and spooky places. You may even discover that the Goth subculture feels like home to you and that you want to start exploring more of it. If you do (which the Lady of the Manners approves of wholeheartedly, of course), don't feel that you have to change your life overnight; also, don't try to turn yourself into an exact replica of your Goth friends. While it has been said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, using someone else as a template for your new life isn't flattering—it's a bit creepy. But do feel free to dabble in the darker aspects of life and fashion; even if you decide it isn't for you, exploration of new things isn't bad. Each and every person involved in the Goth scene had to start somewhere, and some of those people were later bloomers (in a night-blooming garden, of course) than others. Besides, popular culture and fashion borrow from the darker side of the subcultural map all the time. Sometimes it leads people to discover a new interest in life, and sometimes it just means that
there's a wider selection of skull-festooned goodies for Goths to snap up at clearance sales.

Of course, even if you don't want to become one of these black-clad, pale, and interesting creatures, you still may be wondering if you should treat your gothy acquaintances carefully and make sure never to tease or poke fun at their spooky quirks. Of course not—don't be silly. Goths, by and large, have a pretty good sense of humor and are quite willing to turn it on themselves and their chosen subculture. The Lady of the Manners firmly believes that if you don't see the ridiculousness inherent in dressing like you've escaped from a Hammer horror movie or choosing accessories festooned with bats, skulls, or coffins, then you probably should go turn in your
Goth card
(which doesn't exist) right now. So feel free to gently tease them about their oh-so-dark lives and fashion choices. (The Lady of the Manners once worked for a manager who would preface the news of impending overtime with, “You're saving up for a new pair of pointy boots, right? Well, have I got news for you!”) Just keep in mind that if your gothy acquaintance asks you to drop it or stop, the correct response is, “Okay, I'm sorry,” not “It's just a joke! Don't you have a sense of humor?”

Speaking of senses of humor, try not to be shocked by the sometimes morbid sense of humor that most Goths display. Jokes about crawling back to their coffins, hiding the bodies, being nocturnal, obeying the voices in their heads, or being willing to work extra hours so they can avoid the angry yellow burny thing in the sky are just that: jokes. Spookier-than-thou, black-hearted jokes, maybe, but certainly nothing to worry about.

The key here is to treat everyone, Goths included, the way you would like to be treated. Just because some people look different from you or cherish different things, doesn't mean they are exempt from being treated courteously. This may come as a
surprise to some people, but most Goths don't spend time thinking of ways to annoy or freak out other people. It's true! The Lady of the Manners is well aware that most of us secretly believe we are at the center of the universe and that anything someone else says or does is loaded with subtext meant for us alone. Which is, when you stop to think about it, utter twaddle. And you the reader may be sitting there thinking, “But I don't believe that!” to which the Lady of the Manners would raise an eyebrow and gently ask whether you're being completely truthful. There's nothing wrong with indulging in a tiny bit of solipsism and narcissism; you just need to make sure to treat other people kindly and politely.

If a Goth is inexplicably mean to me in the Hot Topic where I get my hair dye, can I name-check you and threaten to File a report? (Oh, how the Lady of the Manners wishes that would work!)

The Lady of the Manners is sad to say she's heard of this sort of thing far more often than she'd like. Someone who is not obviously part of the Goth subculture receives poor treatment at a traditionally Goth-oriented venue. For every Goth who complains of suffering rude and insensitive treatment, there is a non-Goth who has innocently wandered into a Hot Topic or other store that caters to “alternative” types and been sneered at. This, obviously, is not acceptable. But why does it happen?

For one thing, Goths—especially the younger members of the subculture—can be a bit, erm, insular. Cliquish. Wary of outsiders and
very
wary of “normal” people trying to appropriate their
style or subcultural signifiers. So when someone they don't automatically recognize as “one of us” turns up buying purple hair dye or stripy tights, they get defensive and snippy. Again, this behavior is displayed primarily by the younger members of the Goth subculture. They're usually so wrapped up in defining themselves as spooky and different, as
Real Goth
s, that they have a knee-jerk reaction to people they don't define as
Real Goth
s doing “Goth” things. (The Lady of the Manners suspects that younger Goths react this way in part because they are constantly being told that their fascination with the darker side of life is a phase they'll grow out of, and that when they grow up, they'll feel differently about the whole thing. This, quite naturally, annoys the younger Goths and makes them defensive about what they consider to be theirs. Also, many
babybats
have had to put up with taunts and abuse from their more “normal” peers and classmates, which makes them wary when someone who doesn't look like them starts shopping around for skull jewelry and dark lipstick.)

Then there's that whole “costume” thing that the Lady of the Manners mentioned earlier. The Lady of the Manners is all for everyone playing with black-hued finery, but even she gets a bit cranky every October when people accost her in stores demanding to know where she got her costume, and whether she can help them find one like it. “Oh, it's not a costume,” she patiently informs them. “I dress like this every day.” Depending on where she is and how busy she might be, the Lady of the Manners will sometimes offer suggestions to the costume-seekers as to where they might find gothy bits and trinkets, but usually she just continues on with whatever she was doing.

So if a Goth is mean or rude to you, what should you do? Can you name-check the Lady of the Manners and prompt an apology from the black-clad crankypants? The Lady of the Manners is sad
to say that almost certainly wouldn't work. (Her plans for global domination of the Goth subculture haven't come to fruition just yet, you see.) No, what you should do is…ignore the offending party. Ignore the rude behavior or, at the most, mildly point out the rudeness but don't get into any sort of argument about it. In other words, react just as you would to anyone who treated you rudely.

That is how you would treat other rude people, isn't it? You wouldn't be even ruder in return, initiating an ever-escalating war of bad behavior, would you? Forgive the Lady of the Manners for seeking to reassure herself, but she's seen some dreadful examples of that sort of thing. If you're feeling especially chipper and cheeky, you could try gently
reminding the gothy type that, “The nice lady from Gothic Charm School always says that Goths should try to be polite,” but be warned that the gothy type in question may very well just roll her eyes at you.

A few words for the Goths reading this chapter

Look, the Lady of the Manners doesn't care how affronted your delicate spooky sensibilities are by the sight of people who obviously aren't Goths buying Goth goodies. So what? Maybe they're buying a present for a friend or relative. Maybe they've decided they finally want to explore the Goth subculture. Or maybe they
are
purchasing hair dye and a shirt with a bat on it for a costume. So what? There is no
Secret Goth cabal
that must give its stamp of approval before someone is allowed to purchase skull jewelry and stripy tights, and getting cranky about it is more than a little ridiculous. Some of you may remember a stereotype about Goths from years ago (the Lady of the Manners hasn't heard it thrown about quite as much recently but is sure that its shadow still lingers over the subculture): Goths are all stuck-up, snobby, elitist twerps who are full of themselves and don't like anyone. Does that ring any bells? The Lady of the Manners suspects that stereotype was born out of a Goth defense mechanism: stave off taunts and harassment by acting as if you don't like anyone. This strategy, while effective, just invites other sorts of problems. Now, the Lady of the Manners doesn't presume to speak for everyone else in the Goth subculture (again, while the Lady of the Manners does cherish some frivolous notions of gothy global domination, she's still working out some flaws in her plans), but she is awfully tired of the “Goths are all
stuck-up and bitchy drama queens” stereotype. Really, that pose just helps reinforce the notion that Goth is a crabby teen phase everyone grows out of eventually. The Lady of the Manners is of the belief that being polite to people, whether or not they share your interests, is far more shocking than being surly and arrogant. For whatever reason, people just don't expect black-clad spooksters to be polite; when we are, they're frequently flabbergasted and so taken aback they seem to forget whatever prejudices they may have been harboring.