Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) (25 page)

   "Yes! Is he here? Does he have my kids?"

   "Maybe you should come with me."

   "Why? What happened?"

   "Just come with me."

   I followed Bruce and another cop out into the front area of the police station. Tony walked close behind us. I made every effort to think positive thoughts, even though a voice in my head kept shrieking that my children were dead.

   As we walked through the front door I saw about five cops crowded around something in the parking lot, partially blocking it from my view. We hurried over to the crowd as the policeman who'd spoken to Bruce shouted for them to clear a path. The cops stepped aside to let us through, revealing what they were gathered around.

   Roger.

   He was standing against a large plank of wood, about the size of a
door.In
fact,
itprobablywas
a door. Bands fastened his legs at the ankles, and another band wrapped around his neck.

   His eyes were wide and frightened. Duct tape over his mouth looked like it was wrapped all the way around his head. Above his head, neon orange letters proclaimed that this was "The Dismemberment Game!" Smaller letters in black magic marker said "Starring
RogerTanglen
and Andrew Mayhem." A note taped to Roger's chest read "Pigs, stay away! This is Andrew's game."

   Fixed to the door were six machete blades, the flat edge of each blade on the wood. The bottom of each blade was attached to a mechanism that was clearly designed to swing it. A blade on each side of his head was positioned to lop off his arms at the shoulder, while blades on each side of his waist were positioned to lop off his legs. A blade next to his right shoulder was set to decapitate him. The sixth blade was at the very bottom of the door, resting on the pavement perpendicular to the door. Between Roger's legs there was an enormous slab of raw meat, probably a cow flank.

   "Oh dear Lord..." whispered Tony.

   "All right, everyone back!" shouted Bruce, waving his arms. "Clear some space! We need anything solid we could use to block those knives!"

   I walked up to the door. "Can anyone get a chainsaw or something to cut him free?"

   The officer closest to the door shook his head. "Look at the back."

   I did so. From behind, I could see that the door was propped up by two pieces of wood at the bottom. The entire back of the door was a maze of what must have been thousands of multi-colored wires. Connected to the door by several other wires was a laptop computer, which the cop who'd taken my fingerprints currently had balanced on his palm.

   "We don't know which one of those wires will spring the machete blades," said the fingerprint cop. "If we cut the wrong one, it could go off." He extended the laptop toward me. "Take this. It's for you."

   I took the laptop from him and looked at the low-resolution, black-and-white display. "GET ANDREW MAYHEM
,THEN
PRESS ANY KEY. YOU HAVE 43 SECONDS REMAINING." The countdown continued.

   "Don't press it yet," said the fingerprint cop. "We need as much time as possible to figure out a way to get him out of this."

   The wires were long enough that I could walk around to the front of the door while still holding the laptop. I looked up at Roger and asked "He's got Kyle and Theresa, hasn't he?"

   Roger gave me a small nod, and then closed his eyes.

   Only sixteen seconds remained on the display. I couldn't panic. I couldn't lose it. I had to stay calm, focus, and make everything all right.

   When only three seconds remained, I pressed the space bar. A new message appeared: "ENTER YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME."

   With my free hand I typed
inKENDALL
and hit return.

   "BAD BOY, ANDREW.I SAID NO COPS. I'D PLANNED TO SAVE THIS GAME FOR A LITTLE LATER, BUT YOU'VE FORCED ME TO RUSH THINGS.TOO BAD FOR YOU.AND ROGER."

   The screen went
blank
,then
a new message appeared. "YOU MUST ANSWER FIVE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY. EACH TIME YOU MISS, ROGER LOSES AN APPENDAGE."

   "My
God
,whois
this guy?" asked Tony, looking at the screen.

   "I don't know."

   The number 10 appeared at the bottom of the screen, and went down by one with each passing
second."PRACTICE
QUESTION. WHO WAS THE TWELFTH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?"

   "Who was our twelfth president?" I shouted. The cops began discussing it amongst themselves, and one counted on his fingers while reciting names.

   "
Hurry
!I
only have three seconds!"

   "Tyler!" said the guy counting on his fingers. "No,
no
,Taylor ! Zachary Taylor!"

   I typed in T-A-Y...

   "TIME'S UP."

   The bottom machete blade swung upward like an enormous mousetrap going off. It split through the meat and smashed into the wood with
aloudthunk
! The top of the blade came less than an inch from splitting Roger's jeans and the sensitive parts beneath them. Then it swung back and returned to its original position.

   There was a gasp of shock from the crowd of police officers. Roger's eyes were closed so tightly that his head looked ready to burst.

   "QUESTION ONE. RIGHT ARM. WHICH SKULL WEARS THE COWBOY HAT?"

   Which
one
?Gaggles
or Boo-Boo? I couldn't remember!

   No, it had been Gaggles, right?

   Five seconds remained. No time to replay the video in my mind. I typed GAGGLES and hit enter.

   "CORRECT. RIGHT ARM SPARED."

   I let myself breathe a sigh of relief.

   "QUESTION TWO. LEFT ARM.WHICH SKULL BIT FIRST?"

   I definitely knew this
one.Boo
-Boo.

   I typed in BOO-BOO. Enter.

   "CORRECT. LEFT ARM SPARED."

   If they were all questions from the video, I could handle this. I'd certainly been paying attention when I watched it.

   "QUESTION THREE. RIGHT LEG. WERE THERE MORE OR FEWER THAN FIFTY BITES THAT KILLED THE WOMAN ON THE BED?"

   I didn't know! Possibly more than fifty, but I hadn't counted.

   I typed in
MORE.Hesitated
for a couple of seconds. Then hit return.

   
"CORRECT.FIFTY-EIGHT, TO BE EXACT.
RIGHT LEG SPARED."

   If that question ever popped
uponJeopardy
I'd be set.

   "QUESTION FOUR. LEFT LEG. IN MULTIPLES OF FIVE MINUTES, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE AVERAGE GHOULISH DELIGHTS MURDER-ON-TAPE?"

   How the hell was I supposed to know that?

   "Give that here!" said Tony to someone behind me. As he walked up to the door, I saw that he held a metal pipe, about two feet long. Bruce stepped forward and each of them took an end. "Left leg, correct?" he asked me.

   "Correct!" Three seconds remained on the timer.

   I typed 60 and at the last second hit enter.

   "WRONG. THE CORRECT ANSWER IS 45. LEFT LEG SEVERED."

   The blade positioned by his left leg swung with incredible force, striking the metal pipe with
aloudclang
. Bruce and Tony both let out a grunt as the pipe was wrenched out of their grasp. It slammed against Roger's leg with a sound that had to be bone breaking. Roger let out a muffled cry of pain.

   The blade swung back to its original position.

   Roger was badly hurt, but at least he still had his leg.

   
"FINAL QUESTION.NECK."

   "The next one's going for his neck!" I shouted. Bruce and Tony quickly positioned the pipe so that it would block the blade, and two other cops joined to help them hold it.

   "WHO AM I?"

   If I knew that, I wouldn't have been in this situation to begin with! Carl, Farley, Dominick, Linda...maybe even Rachel...who could
itbe
?

   I had a one in five chance of guessing correctly.

   
One in four, if I discounted Rachel.

   Even if the pipe stopped the blade from cutting him, if I got this wrong my best friend was going to end up with a broken neck.

   Five seconds.

   I typed in CARL.

   Three seconds.

   I placed my finger over the enter key.

   Two seconds.

   No! The odds were too much against me!

   Better to try something where
Ididn'tknow
the odds.

   I spun around and flung the laptop into the air as hard as I could. The wires connecting it to the door snapped.

   The bottom blade snapped up, slamming into the wood between Roger's legs again.

   A split-second later, the blade to the right of Roger's waist sprung. The cops spun the pipe downward, and the bottom of it passed in front of Roger's right leg an instant before the blade hit. Though there were four cops holding it, the pipe was still wrenched away from them, and crunched against Roger's leg in the same area as before, but at a new angle. Roger shrieked beneath the tape.

   The blade to the left of Roger's waist sprung, slamming against the opposite blade.

   The blade on the right side of Roger's head, the one intended to chop off his right arm, sprung, coming down upon the upper end of the pipe and crushing it into his shoulder. It was immediately followed by the blade on the left side of his head, which struck the right blade and elicited another shriek from Roger.

   The blade aimed at Roger's neck sprung. It connected with the other two blades, giving the pipe against his shoulder a third slam.

   And that was it.

   Roger remained fastened to the door, probably with a shattered leg and shoulder. But he still had his head. He'd live.

   "We need some saws and a metal cutter!" shouted Bruce, but somebody had already retrieved the metal-cutting shears. While the cop with the shears went to work on the band around Roger's right leg, Tony pulled out a pocketknife and began to cut through the duct tape.

   He ripped the tape away from Roger's mouth, and Roger spoke in a weak voice. "Under my shirt...an envelope..."

   I lifted his shirt to reveal an envelope folded into quarters and taped to his chest. I pulled it off, tore it open, and read the letter inside.

   "So, how does your friend look without his head? Sorry that there was no correct answer to the last question, but I couldn't give anything away incase you made a lucky guess. You're probably wondering what happened to your kids. Are they still alive? Did I chop their heads off,
too
?Nope
, not yet. I'll save that for later, unless you cooperate. We'll consider your involvement with the cops an unfortunate little detour that cost your friend his life. If you ever want your kids back, you'll proceed exactly as planned. Go home and relax, then come to the taping. Join the fun. Try to solve the mystery. Otherwise I'll get to add a new age bracket to the
listofGhoulish
Delights stars. So you make sure those pigs stay out of it. I have insiders on the force, so don't try anything remotely sneaky. If I get the slightest bit suspicious, your son and daughter will be screaming in pain for days, and they'll be dead for months before you find them. Got it? Good."

   I touched my hand to my cheek. I hadn't even realized I was crying.

    "I'm so sorry, Andrew..." said Roger. They were having trouble getting the metal band off his arm, and it didn't look like he'd be free anytime soon. "I didn't see it coming."

   "Do you know who it was?"

   "No. I was knocked out with something, and when I came to I was in the back of a van. I couldn't see who was doing it...I was just dumped off here."

   "Was it more than one person?"

   "I don't think so. They used a cart or something, so one person could have done it alone."