I dabbed at the corner of her mouth with my napkin. “You needn’t worry. You’ll get your exercise with me.” I meant from all the beach combing we were going to do, but when I saw the sparkle in her eyes, I didn’t correct myself.
“Do you…would you consider dating anyone else besides me?”
“Jade, I’m so enamored with you, I can’t look at anyone else. I think what’s happening between us is pretty special, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do. So it’s fair to say we’re exclusive?”
I nodded and smiled. “Going steady or whatever you want to call it.”
She touched my hand, and I felt utter bliss.
Chapter 19
“You’re not serious.” Miranda looked between me and Marty. I thought she was going to cry.
Marty reached over and took her hand. “This is Angel’s call, baby.”
“I’ve been in Deb’s life a lot longer than Angel.” Miranda’s face flushed red as she looked angrily at us.
I felt terrible for her. Marty had spoken with Angel and given her the name of the nutritionist Miranda was referred to by one of her emergency physician friends. Angel had taken it from there and did the consult alone. She’d already tried to reach Deb, and when that failed, she asked for reinforcements—Marty and me. In Angel’s words, “Miranda was too confrontational and too much like Deb.”
“I say this with all the love in my heart,” Marty began, “but you’re like a bulldozer sometimes. A lovable bulldozer.”
“So you’re saying I’m pushy.” Miranda folded her arms.
“You’ve been great for me, just the friend I needed,” I said. “But let’s be honest, you and Deb have always argued and competed. She’ll say something to spark your ire, and the fight will be on.”
Miranda reluctantly agreed. “What time will she be here?” she asked with resignation.
Marty looked at her watch. “In about thirty minutes, then we’ll go see Deb.”
My stomach turned at the thought. I wished it had been me who pissed Deb off, so I could be excused from the meeting.
Miranda nodded and stood. “I’m going to the gym, but I want to see both of you when you get back.”
*******
Angel looked haggard when she arrived. She promptly dissolved into tears when Marty hugged her. “My stomach has been upset all day.” She looked at me and Marty. “I may have to stay with one of y’all after the evening is over.”
“Let’s not go into this expecting the negative,” Marty said as she sat next to her.
“What advice has the therapist given?” I asked too nervous to sit with them.
“Not to go on the offensive.” Angel ran a shaking hand through her hair. “That’s why I thought it wouldn’t be a good idea for Miranda to be in on this. I hope I didn’t offend her.” She looked at Marty, who simply smiled. “She also said not to do it in a public place in respect to Deb’s privacy. We should be positive and compassionate and encourage her to seek help. It will only work if it’s her idea.”
“And if none of this helps?” I asked.
I watched as a tear streaked Angel’s face. “The doctor spent a long time preparing me for that. Ultimately, it will be Deb’s choice, and there may come a time when I have to step out of the way, all of us, actually.” Angel sniffed as she accepted a tissue from Marty. “Enabling takes many forms. I didn’t realize I’d been doing that. Turning a blind eye to things and accepting excuses are the most obvious.” She wiped her eyes and looked pitiful. “Another more aggressive intervention may have to be done if we can’t get her to consider treatment. But I can’t even begin to consider that right now.”
“What’ve you already told her?” Marty asked.
“That she’s dangerously thin, and I think she’s taking the diet to a dangerous level. We had a terrible fight after I found all the laxatives she’d been stockpiling, so I’ve been hesitant to confront…that particular issue.”
Marty looked at me. “So we’ll be gentle, but persuasive. No confrontations, no judgmental attitudes.”
I nodded, and we embarked on our grim task.
*******
Deb seemed surprised to see us when we walked in behind Angel, but that look of surprise quickly changed to disgust, and I knew we were in for a wild ride. I missed Miranda then. Angel went straight to Deb and threw her arms around her neck, but Deb’s gaze met mine, and I felt my insides turn to jelly.
Angel took her by the hand. “Marty and Sloan wanted to come by and see how you’re doing.” Deb allowed Angel to lead her to the den, but she didn’t take a seat.
Marty and I exchanged glances as we sat, but neither of us looked relaxed. “You feel like we’re ganging up on you,” Marty said gently.
Deb leveled her gaze on Angel. “Wouldn’t you?”
“Deb, you’re beautiful. We’ve always loved you, and we always will. And as people who love you, we’re concerned about what’s happening to you physically.” Marty folded her hands and laid them in her lap. “You’ve lost an awful lot of weight in a short time.”
“So?” Deb moved behind a chair. “I’ll gain some back.”
“I understand about wanting to lose weight,” I said. “We just…” This seemed so stupid to me all of the sudden. We’d been friends for years, and we were all trying to approach this clinically. “This is such bullshit, isn’t it?” I couldn’t help but smile. Marty and Angel stared at me with raised brows. “We’ve always been friends. Let’s just cut the shit and be honest. I’m worried that you’ve gone past the point of being able to control this. So, Deb, does this have you by the tail or not?” I asked gently.
I stared into her eyes and waited. She smiled and shook her head. “This is my thing, Sloan. Let me cope with it in my own way.”
“But can you without help?”
“I don’t need any help, I can handle this myself. I’m not going to some clinic or to see a shrink. I’m not sick if that’s what you’re all thinking.” Deb moved around the chair, her shoulders were up. I gripped the armrest and awaited the impending explosion. She leaned down until we were face to face. “Look me in the eye when I say that I’m not bulimic or anorexic.”
My hands moved of their own volition, and I laid them on her arms, my mind locked with hers. Through Deb’s eyes, I saw the children circling her taunting and laughing. “Debby dump truck, Debby dump truck. Look out, the wide load is coming.” I felt her shame, embarrassment, and pain. Then the vision switched, and I recognized the man she used to work with. “If you’d get off your fat ass for a change and do something with yourself, you’d only be half the pathetic creature you are. Really, how does someone let themselves become such a slob?”
The next vision unfolded. I was in a clothing store looking at all the things she could wear if she were a twelve or even a fourteen. I heard her wonder how she had ever gotten so big. How would she ever lose it all and become human again. And then we were in the bathroom of her home, and I felt her fingers sliding into her throat.
“Are you going to puke?” Deb asked, pulling away.
I clutched my stomach and coughed, tasting bile in the back of my throat. I looked up at Deb. “I understand. I know you felt this was the only way.” Deb looked at Marty and Angel. Marty’s eyes were wide. I directed my comment to Marty. “I need to be honest with her.” She looked frightened and shook her head almost imperceptibly, but I forged ahead, certain that I was making the right decision.
I had another coughing and gagging fit as the memory slowly faded from sight. Angel appeared next to me with a glass of water, and I drank greedily until I felt calm again. When I looked at Deb, she had finally sat on the edge of a chair and was watching me intently. “I know you’ve been ridiculed all your life. Kids called you Debby dump truck. The man you worked with called you—”
“What did you just say?” Deb asked wide-eyed.
“I was there. I saw the kids picking on you.”
“I grew up in Montana. There’s no way you were there, Sloan. Have you been digging into my life? Talking to my family?” Her face flushed red.
“No. I…saw it in your mind.”
“You saw it in my mind?” Deb’s voice rose with each word. She shook her head. “I’m not the one with a problem here. You’re fucking nuts.” She looked at Marty. “Did you hear what she just said?”
Marty nodded. “It’s true. Something happened to her in West Virginia. I would’ve never believed it if she hadn’t have told me a secret that only my mother and I knew.”
Deb stared at her for a moment. When she spoke, she was calm, but her voice was cold. “So you’re all in on this.”
“It’s not a joke. I wouldn’t screw with you like that, Deb.”
“Then take my hand.” She stood and thrust it at me. “Take my hand and tell me what I’m thinking.” Her face twisted into a sneer.
I sighed long and loud. I was getting used to the unbelieving look of challenge in the eyes of those I revealed my secret to. I couldn’t help but be a little hurt that my friends who knew me best had to test me. “All right.” I moved to the edge of my chair and looked Deb in the eye, then I took her hand.
My hair felt wet against my neck. My chubby little hands held a stuffed cat by the neck as I watched Deb’s sister getting ready for the prom. Her mother was taking rollers out of her long glossy blond hair. “You’re so beautiful, Tanya,” she was saying. Deb caught her own reflection in the mirror behind her slim sister. Her face was round and full of freckles, the total opposite of her flawless elder sibling. I could hear her thoughts,
I’ll never be pretty like her.
Her mother turned and looked at me. “Fetch the hair spray from the bathroom for me, will you, baby?”
“Shake a chunky leg, Deborah. I’m late enough already,” her sister called after her.
Through Deb’s eyes, I saw the glass of red Kool-Aid she’d left on the counter earlier. I felt the cool of the glass in my hand, felt the hair spray in the other. I knew what was going to happen before it did because the idea was running wildly through Deb’s mind. She pretended to trip just as her mother reached for the spray, and I watched as the red liquid coated the bottom of the dress. Tanya’s scream echoed in my mind as I released Deb’s hand.
I looked at her and said, “Tanya was getting ready for the prom, and you thought you’d never be pretty like her. After your sister said something hateful, you pretended to trip and intentionally poured red Kool-Aid on her dress.”
Deb’s face contorted as she stood. I could see the realization of the truth in her eyes. She backed away slowly, looking at me like I was some sort of monster.
“Now you know the truth about me and I know about you,” I said softly. “We’re friends, we battle our demons together. I’d tried to cope with this alone, and I had to lean on Miranda. I tried to shut myself away and she wouldn’t let me, and I’m thankful for it. One day, I hope you’ll look back on what we want to do for you and feel the same way.”
Deb folded her arms and shook her head. “You’re a liar.” She turned and shook a finger at Angel and spat out, “You’ve gone to my mother? I’ll never forgive you for this.” And then she stormed out of the room, leaving the three of us to stare after her.
“What have you done?” Angel asked miserably. “How could you contact her family behind my back?”
“I swear we didn’t.” I looked at Marty, who sat stunned, for help.
“We truly didn’t.” Marty reached for Angel, who moved away from her touch.
She stood and put a trembling hand to her lips. “You might’ve lost a friend in all of this, but I’ve built a life with Deb. Don’t you realize what you’ve done to me—to us?”
“Angel, please—”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Just go. I’ll handle this myself.” She turned and walked into the guest room. I watched helplessly as she closed the door behind her.
“Let’s go.” Marty stood and ran a hand through her hair. “Come on, Sloan.”
I stood slowly and followed her out the door.
“I’m so sorry.” I said after we were on the road. I glanced over at Marty. She was wiping a tear with the back of her hand. I’d taken the wrong step and made a bad situation worse.
*******
“What were you thinking?”
“Easy, Miranda.” Marty put a hand to her arm and looked at me. Her expression was a mix of compassion and aggravation. I slid lower in my chair.
“I should’ve ignored Angel and gone with y’all.” She pointed to me and looked at Marty. “She’s like a loaded weapon. Someone has to keep a handle on her.”
“Thanks a lot,” I said as anger surged through me. “I have my own mind. I’m not some sort of freaky tool you can use whenever you want!”
“That’s not what I meant.” Miranda softened her tone. “I just know what you’re thinking, and before you got yourself into trouble, I could’ve—”
“That’s exactly what you meant. You’re affirming it with every word you say, so shut up.”
“All right.” Marty put her hands up to silence us both. “We can’t turn on each other, too.” She took Miranda by the hand. “Sloan did what she thought was best in the moment. We weren’t getting anywhere with Deb. She took a shot, and unfortunately, missed.”
Miranda looked at me. “I’m sorry,” she said as she reached for my hand.
I pulled away, unwilling to expose myself to her emotions. “I can’t take anymore of anyone’s feelings. I have enough of my own to deal with.” I got up and grabbed my keys. “I just need some time.” Marty called after me, but I kept going. Once I was in the safety of my own car and on the road where no one could see or hear me, I let out a yell of anger and frustration, but tears wouldn’t come.
I shook my head at the irony of it all. Of everyone I associated with, I was the one who did not deal well with emotion. Even Deb could be a compassionate listener when one of the group was grappling with something. I’d always shied away, feeling I had nothing to offer because up until recently, I couldn’t allow myself to feel anything.
But with this new…thing, the floodgates were open and all the feelings I kept neatly organized were free flowing, and all were vying for my attention. Add to that the feelings of everyone around me, and I was lost in a world of overwhelming…shit.
Chapter 20
Miranda walked into my store the next morning looking contrite. “You didn’t deserve what you got from me last night,” she said as she leaned on my counter. “I’m sorry.”