I whispered against her skin, “You make me feel so much. I’ve never wanted to be a part of someone like this. Does it make sense when I say you might be my other half?”
I felt and heard Jade’s soft laugh. “Makes perfect sense.” Her expression was one of surprise when she raised up on her elbows and noticed the tears that had pooled in the corners of my eyes. “I can’t believe I’ve finally found you. I feel like I’ve been looking all my life.” She covered my face with soft kisses, and when her lips met mine, I felt loved.
We didn’t go down to the beach that day, nor did we bother to get dressed.
Chapter 24
An hour before the alarm was set to go off, I awoke with Jade’s head on my shoulder and her arms and legs wrapped around me. I needed to go to the bathroom, but she felt too good and was sleeping so soundly I didn’t want to disturb her. I closed my eyes and willed my complaining bladder to go back to sleep. I began to dream in vivid colors…at least I thought it was a dream.
I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t scream. The hands that held me were strong, they hurt, but the physical pain was nothing to compare with the agony burning in my soul. Betrayal cut me so deep, I didn’t want to draw my next breath, but I did. When I exhaled, a ragged scream came with it. The sound of it wrenched me from my haze, but I couldn’t stop the screams that tore through me.
“Sloan.” Jade reached for me. She looked so much like him that I scrambled to get away, kicking at her until I fell onto the floor. “You had a nightmare.” She climbed across the bed and looked at me as I curled myself into a tight ball. “Honey,” she said as she reached out for me but hesitated.
I was awake. I felt the sand that we’d tracked into the beach house rub into my skin. I saw my suitcase on the floor. I knew where I was, but even still, I felt like I’d been in a time warp and stepped from one room to another. And I could still smell his sweat on my skin. I had no control of the words that began to spill from somewhere deep within. “Why? What’s wrong with me?”
Jade shook her head, her brow furrowed in confusion. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Sloan. You had a bad dream.” She reached for me again. I got up on my hands and knees and crawled away. She had his eyes.
“Why would he do that to me?” I screamed. “Why wouldn’t she believe me?”
“Who?” Jade looked as terrified as I felt.
Fear, betrayal, and confusion washed over me in waves. “Dad.” It came out in a whisper.
Jade’s face paled and fell slack. Her hand trembled as she put her fingers to her chin. “You saw…” She covered her face with her hands.
It wasn’t a nightmare. The revelation hit me as hard as if I’d been hit with a bat. My stomach rebelled. I crawled into the bathroom and heaved into the toilet. I ached physically and emotionally. My mind was being battered with one strong emotion after another—self-loathing, bewilderment, hatred. I couldn’t be sure if they were my own or Jade’s as they pounded me relentlessly. I hid myself between the tub and toilet, rocking back and forth, counting frantically to escape the never-ending tide of agony.
*******
Something warm enveloped me, hands caressed my ankle, a soft feminine voice called to me. “Sloan, wake up, honey, it’s me.” I opened my eyes and jerked away from the touch. “It’s Miranda, Sloan, wake up.” Relief flooded me as I looked up from the bottom of the toilet bowl. Slowly, I raised my head and looked into a familiar face. “You need to get up so we can get you dressed.” I wrapped the towel that she had laid over me tighter and took the offered hand.
Miranda led me back to the bedroom and sat me on the bed before she dug through my bag. I looked down at my wrists, expecting to see bruises, and started to cry. Miranda laid my things on the bed and knelt before me. “Did she hurt you?”
I shook my head. “He did.” I looked around the room afraid that someone would overhear.
Confusion marred her features. “Who?”
“Jade’s father.” It came out in a whisper. “I saw…I felt what he did to her.” I looked around the room. “Where is she?”
“She’s not here,” Miranda said soothingly. “Let’s get you dressed.”
“I…need you to leave the room.”
Miranda stood and looked at me oddly. “I’ve seen you naked a billion times.”
“I need you to leave,” I said between chattering teeth.
“Okay.” She held her hands up and backed away. “I’ll be right outside.”
I waited for her to close the door and pulled on my clothes quickly, afraid that she would come in and see my nakedness. “I need to go home.” Miranda looked at me strangely as I walked shakily into the living room.
“I put some coffee on to brew.” She walked over and tried to take my hand, but I pulled away and sank down into a chair at the table. She sat opposite me. “What happened?”
“Where is she?”
Miranda shook her head. “I don’t know. She was hysterical when she called and told me to get here as fast as I could. That’s about all I could understand.” New tears dripped from my eyes and Miranda exhaled shakily. “What happened?”
“I was asleep…I thought I was…maybe just sleeping light, but I saw—felt—what he did to her. I was her.” My jaw was trembling so hard, I could barely speak.
Miranda’s face flushed. “She was molested.”
It nauseated me to hear the word. I nodded as my stomach roiled. “I can’t say anymore.”
Miranda nodded as she rubbed the bridge of her nose. “You felt her pain, her emotions.”
“Yes.”
“We need to find her.” Miranda banged her hand on the table, making me jump. “I’m sorry,” she said and blew out a long breath.
“I can’t go with you.”
Miranda looked stunned. “Why?”
“I just can’t right now.” My sobs coalesced into a deep heaving cry. Miranda came around the table and wrapped me in her arms until I calmed. I gripped the lapels on her shirt. “Do this for me. Find her, make sure she’s okay. I just need a little time.”
“Can I call Marty over to be with you? I don’t like the idea of you being alone.”
I couldn’t stand the idea of seeing anyone. I wanted to shut myself away. “No, I’m going home.”
“I’ll follow you out, then I’ll find Jade, okay?”
*******
My room was dark and familiar. I lay in bed staring up into the darkness, trying to dispel the visions and the accompanying feelings. I was there when she cried herself to sleep, staring at the empty bed across the room. The one her grandmother used to occupy. Jade had felt safe with her there. Her hands were so small as they clutched the covers. I felt her fear, the sting of her mother’s denial. As a grown woman, it was almost too much to bear. I had no idea how Jade coped then.
Her parents weren’t dead as Jade claimed, although they were dead to her. I remembered looking through her eyes at the house enshrouded in darkness as she crept away in the night never to return. I felt the bitter chill of winter while she camped in a tent hiding and hoping no one would find her. I saw the compassion in a stranger’s eyes who offered a young child a job. I felt her stomach tie into knots and heard her ardent prayers as she watched him look over her application where most of the information was falsified.
I was in her body when she ate cold food from a can. When she showered at the gym hoping no one would notice that she did it every morning before opening, then late in the evening. I was there when she scratched up enough money to afford a rat hole of an apartment. I felt the sweat on her palms as she filled out the application to legally change her name from Hutchins to Verner.
I felt her lack of self-worth. I was in her mind when she wondered what she could have done to cause her father to do the things he did. I was there when she pondered what she could’ve done to stop it. I felt her helplessness when she found the courage to admit what was happening to her mother.
“You’re lying.” Her mother’s hand shook as she poured herself a drink from the bottle Jade was not to touch.
“Momma.”
“No, Corrine!” Her mother slammed her hand down on the counter. “Stop it now.” She pointed angrily at her. “Don’t you ever mention this again, not to me, not to anyone. Do you understand?”
I was so angry. I sat up and pounded my pillow with my fists, grinding my teeth until I thought they would break. How could she—they—do this to a child? I was sickened and furious with her father for what he did, but a deep seething hatred for her mother burned in the pit of my stomach. She knew, and she did nothing to stop it.
I’d never contemplated murder, but I wanted to put my hands on these people. I wanted to inflict pain. I wanted to pour into them what I was feeling, what Jade had felt for so many years—but Jade was different. She no longer shared this hostility. She had killed them off in her mind, but I could not. And for that…I resented her.
Chapter 25
“Get up.” Miranda opened the blinds and filled the room with light.
I pulled the covers over my head and clamped my eyes shut.
“You’re gonna get up, bathe, and eat. You’ve been locked away in this room for two days.” Miranda grabbed the blankets and yanked them from the bed.
“Get out!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Get the fuck out and leave me alone.”
“Don’t you want to know about Jade? Don’t you care?” Miranda asked with a tone laced with anger and hurt.
I curled tighter into a ball and clamped my hands over my ears.
She grabbed my feet and yanked my legs. “Get up, Sloan!”
“Motherfucker!” I started kicking and screaming, but Miranda was undaunted. She launched herself onto the bed and covered me with her body until I stilled. Her breath was hot against my ear.
“I won’t let you go. I won’t let you cave in on yourself.” Miranda’s tears dripped down on my face. “I know you’re in pain, and you want to escape, but you’ve got to face it for yourself and Jade. I won’t let you go. I’ll be right here like you’ve always been for me.” We stayed like that until I could no longer bear her weight.
*******
I scrubbed my skin hard in the shower, trying to erase the memory of his touch, his odor. I spent a long time in there, letting the hot water run over my body, hoping it would wash away the powerful anger I felt. In truth, I didn’t want it to recede because beneath it lay a pain so sharp I didn’t think I could handle it.
“Here.” Miranda thrust a towel around the curtain when she heard the water cut off. “I’ll turn my back while you dry off and dress, but I’m not leaving.”
She’d been a constant shadow since I’d crawled from the bed. She said nothing as I ate a piece of toast and drank a glass of milk. She was waiting. Biding her time until I ate and bathed, then she’d ask all the questions I didn’t want to answer.
I brushed past her after I dressed and sank down onto the couch. She followed and sat beside me. “I get it. I understand what you’re going through.”
“You don’t know a fucking thing. You weren’t there. In less than an hour, I lived Jade’s life. I was…violated right along with her. She’s had a lifetime to cope. I’ve had a couple of days, so give me a fucking break.”
“You need help,” Miranda said gently. “You need to see someone.”
“And tell them what? That I have a
gift
that allows me to live the most painful periods of someone’s life? They’ll have me committed.”
“You could say it was you that was molested,” Miranda said calmly. “I imagine the treatment would be—”
“I’m not admitting that! I’m not going to sit in some office and let some stranger pick through my mind. That’s pathetic.”
I couldn’t ignore the pain that filled Miranda’s eyes. “I did it, and I am not pathetic.” Her eyes narrowed. “You’re intentionally caustic because you want to wallow in your pain.”
“I am,” I said with a nod. “I’m angry and I want to remain so. It’s the only thing I can hang on to right now. I don’t have to think. I can just be pissed.”
Miranda tilted her head to the side, and she regarded me. “Pissed at whom?”
“Isn’t the answer obvious?”
“Yeah, it is, but I don’t think you realize it.” Miranda took a calming breath. “It’s Jade you’re mad at.”
“No.” It was a lie, and we both knew it, but to voice it meant I had to own it, and I wasn’t ready for that.
Miranda shook her head. “There’s so much I don’t understand, but you’re not being true to me or yourself.”
“I can’t face her right now. She looks just like her father. It makes it too real.”
“She’s in a lot of pain. She’s kept this secret for years, never telling anyone, and though you didn’t do it on purpose, you’ve forced her to confront old demons. The one person that can truly understand and empathize is you. If you care anything for her, you have to get yourself together and be there for her.”
“She admitted it to you?”
Miranda nodded with a grim expression. “What her father did, her mother’s denial…I didn’t experience it the way you did, but it hurt me, too. Seeing her face, the disconnect as she talked about it has scarred me for life.” I looked away, unable to stand the way Miranda looked at me. “You need to talk about it. Release whatever you’re holding inside.” Miranda cleared her throat. “She said you could talk to me about it. She knows you need to.”
“Not right now.” I wrapped my arms tight around myself as if to keep it all in. For it all to pass my lips would bring everything into reality. For the moment, I wanted to consider it all a very bad dream.
Miranda stood with a sigh. “I’m going to open up your store. Kaylie’s been coming in after school, and I’ve opened when I could.”
“Thank you, I really appreciate it.”
“Hey.” I turned to look at Miranda as she leaned against the kitchen door. “I know you need your time to cope, to grieve, but when you get yourself together, remember there’s a wonderful woman out there who needs you.”
I lay on the couch knowing she couldn’t see me anymore and let silent tears fall. One side of me ached for what I’d experienced, the other ached for what Jade had lived through.
Chapter 26
I eventually went back to work when I found that numb place where you hide when everything around is nothing but pain. Miranda came in daily, but she didn’t spend as much time as she used to. I wasn’t a joy to be around, but that wasn’t the only reason. She was spending her time with Jade, too. Miranda was like an extension of me. It comforted and shamed me knowing that she was doing what I should’ve and wouldn’t.