“I’m not lying.”
Miranda stood and joined me on the couch. She thrust out her hand. “Touch me.”
I stared down at her it, studied the fine lines on her palm, buying time, because I knew what I’d see. More than wanting to prove myself to her, I felt I owed her. She’d been traumatized enough about that day that she’d sought out professional help. My best friend, my sister needed me to understand her as much as I needed her to understand me, so I took her hand.
Gut-wrenching horror seized my chest. Lonna was struggling. I could hear her grunting as she wrestled with a green piece of cloth. Numb from the cold, my bare hands barely felt the boots I was clinging to white-knuckled. I was shivering, not from the cold and wetness that penetrated my clothes, but at the prospect of loss so profound it made me physically ill.
Lonna wasn’t making headway. She didn’t have the upper body strength it would take to pull the water-logged body from the water. I prayed the ice would hold as I tugged my boot free of Deb’s grasp and began to crawl. When I reached the opening in the ice, I saw the dark hair plastered down on a blue face. The eyes wide open, mouth gaping. I felt my hands plunging into the icy water grasping for anything I could cling to. The lifeless body felt like ice itself and just as heavy as we pulled, pure adrenaline giving us strength we didn’t possess.
Through Miranda’s eyes, I looked down at myself, hardly recognizable. My mind blank. I released her hand with a gasp and quickly began retelling everything as I saw and felt it as though I were recounting a dream I was afraid I’d forget. Miranda blinked at the barrage of information. I saw the realization dawn on her face, her eyes widen. Her bottom lip began to tremble as I described in detail her feelings, her fear.
After I finished, we sat quietly as tears streamed down her cheeks. I wanted to cry. For the first time in my life, I wanted to release the emotion pounding inside my chest, but I couldn’t. Instead, I stared at the floor as the memory of what I’d seen flashed through my mind.
“Oh, my God.” Miranda sank back onto the couch and covered her face with her hands.
I let her cry, afraid to touch her. Afraid of what else I might see. “I want to…comfort you, but…”
“I know,” Miranda said through her tears.
I smiled ruefully. “I’ve been thinking about what this will mean for me from now on. Can you imagine what sex would be like? Full body contact, and I’m watching videos of that person’s life. I’ll never have an orgasm I didn’t personally cause again.”
“Oh,” Miranda said with a sniff. “That’s a real concentration breaker, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.” My shoulders sagged. “I’m either going to have to become a hermit or live my life telling one lie after the other to hide what I’ve become.”
“Maybe you could wear gloves,” Miranda said, sounding more like herself.
“Welder’s gloves maybe, something thick like that.” I was actually considering it.
“Maybe you can learn to control it. You’ve always been really good at blocking things out. That might just work to your advantage.”
“I understand why you needed to see a shrink.” I glanced at her quickly and looked away. “If that had been you, I would’ve been pretty messed up.”
Miranda sighed long and loud. “Nothing has ever scared me that bad.” She reached out to touch me, then let her hand drop in her lap. “Are you telling me everything? You didn’t have an out-of-body experience while you were…down.”
“I did see some angels. They were wearing Krispy Kreme hats, and as they flapped their wings, hot doughnuts appeared.” I banged one of the doughnuts Miranda brought. “Unlike these, they weren’t made of stone.”
Miranda threw back her head and laughed. “You are such an asshole. I love ya.”
*******
The gym was full, and Miranda and I waited to use leg presses. We stood side by side careful not to brush against each other. “Wouldn’t you like to touch P.P. and see what all her secrets are? Probably one sexual escapade after another.” Miranda chuckled. “It’d be like interactive porn.” She lowered her voice. “You’d definitely have an orgasm that way.”
P.P. was the nickname we’d given Jade—Perfection Personified. She was across the room working with one of her clients wearing nothing but a pair of black spandex shorts and matching sports bra. I watched the muscles bunch and move under perfectly tanned skin, one part lust, the other envy. My arms had toned nicely, but the muscles there did not compare to what Jade was working with. Her stomach had that washboard look you only saw in commercials advertising diet aids or workout equipment.
“Thanks for putting up with my jokes,” Miranda said seriously. “We’ve spent the day grappling with the magnitude of this…thing, and I just needed a release. You know I’m not making light of what you’re dealing with.”
“Oh, that goes without saying. I’ve been dealing with this for two months, so it’s refreshing to sort of make fun of it.”
Miranda didn’t speak again until we had completed our first rep on the leg press. I lay stomach down on the one next to her and watched Jade demonstrate how to use the elliptical machine to a man who already looked weary.
“So what do you think? Should we take her up on her offer and let her write a plan for us?” Miranda asked between grunts.
“Couldn’t hurt, I guess. Might as well get what we’re paying for. But you’re gonna have to ask her for the both of us. My pride will not allow me to acquiesce.”
We finished our workout and loitered until Jade wrapped up with her client. Miranda wasted no time in her approach. I stood back and watched them talk until Miranda motioned for me to follow. Jade led us back to a tiny cramped office barely large enough to accommodate the desk and a chair that sat in front of it. I stood in the corner while Miranda took the seat.
“I have a questionnaire for you to fill out.” Jade fished around in her desk and produced two blue pieces of paper. “Sloan, you’re welcome to take my chair, and I’ll go find another one while you work on the questions.”
She left us alone without another word, and I took the seat careful not to lean back and leave my sweat all over her chair. I checked the boxes next to the areas of my body I wanted to work on, then another indicating how much time I was willing to invest. Miranda and I hesitated as we read over the ones concerning diet.
“Should we disclose how much junk food we really eat?” She might suggest a diet.” Miranda paled at the thought.
“Are we coming here to pacify Marty, or do we really want to get into shape?”
Miranda thought for a moment. “I really would love to lose this paunch in my stomach.” She grimaced. “That means diet.”
“We can still have pizza and doughnuts,” I said, trying to reassure us both. “Just not as often. We’ve never really been good at practicing moderation.”
Miranda agreed.
“Let’s listen to what she has to say.”
“So you’re saying be honest.” Miranda grimaced again and resumed her focus on the questionnaire.
Jade returned to her office about five minutes after we finished our paperwork. She set the extra chair next to Miranda and sat down. I watched as she picked up Miranda’s questionnaire and read it over, her expression impassive. Next, she scooped up mine and scrutinized it before laying it in her lap with Miranda’s.
“Let’s talk about diet first,” she said, looking at us. I heard Miranda whimper.
“Portion control, and of course, what you’re eating needs to change if you want to achieve the things you’ve listed.” She looked at Miranda with what I construed was compassion. “I think it’s fairly obvious you have a sweet tooth.”
“I have a mouth full of them,” Miranda confessed with a blush.
“I imagine being a paramedic is difficult when it comes to diet. You run calls in the middle of the night, then you’re hungry, so you grab a snack from whatever is open.” Jade tilted her head to the side. “Probably raid the vending machines in the hospital for sugary snacks, then go back to the station and sleep.”
“Bingo,” Miranda said with a nod.
“Would you consider packing healthy snacks to take to work with you? Something to munch on during those times?”
“We have no idea what a healthy snack is,” I said, drawing Jade’s attention. I shrugged. “Okay, fruit, but that’s not really filling.”
“I agree, but fruit is a good substitute for a candy bar. I have a list of snacks that will satisfy hunger, too, and don’t contain as much sugar.” She looked at Miranda again. “Will you try that?”
“Yes,” Miranda said with a nod.
Jade looked back at me then. “You appear to have a habit of not eating during the day.” She glanced down at my paper. “You’re probably busy with work, then at the end of the day, you’re starving and eat whatever you find in the fridge or order pizza. Often you eat way too much to make up for what you didn’t get during the day.”
“Bingo.” Miranda pointed at me. “She nailed your ass.”
“I can write up a meal plan,” Jade continued. “You’ll have to shop, both of you will, but if you get into the habit of eating healthier, you’ll see the results you want.” She looked down at the papers in her lap again. “I’ll also write up an exercise plan that will target the areas you want to work. If you’re unfamiliar with any of the machines, I or any of the trainers will be happy to demonstrate for you.”
Miranda and I nodded our agreement.
“Set some goals for yourselves. I can help with that or you can do it on your own, but I think it’s easier if you have something to work toward.” She looked at Miranda then. “As I’ve told Sloan, my client list is full, but I can do some rearranging if you need extra help. I can also suggest other trainers who have openings if you want to go that route.”
“We’ll work from the plan you come up with,” I said before Miranda could speak. “If we don’t see results, we might consider enlisting the help of a trainer.” I looked at Miranda, and she gave me a thumbs-up.
“Great.” Jade stood, and Miranda and I followed suit. She shook Miranda’s hand but withdrew when she turned to me. “I remember, germaphobe.” She tucked her hand behind her back and shot me her half smile.
I nodded. “Thanks for taking the time, Jade.”
Miranda and I walked down the hall together, holding all comment until we were outside. The ride home wasn’t that long, but I’d had to pee before the meeting with Jade, and I decided I couldn’t wait. “Gotta visit the potty,” I said to Miranda. I turned on one heel and slammed into Jade. We fell against the wall, and her arms went around my waist to steady me. The contact was surprising and brief, but it didn’t stop the flashes that entered my mind or the wash of feeling that encompassed me.
I stepped back on shaky legs. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were behind me.”
“That’s okay.” Jade pushed off the wall. “Are you all right?” she asked as she looked me over.
“I’m fine, sorry again.” I half ran to the bathroom. In the privacy of the stall, I hovered over the toilet seat. In that case, I really was a germaphobe. Through Jade’s eyes, I saw the road before me. I didn’t recognize it, and I was fairly certain she didn’t, either. Though brief, the image really didn’t reveal anything, but the feelings that came with it made me uncomfortable. She didn’t want to be there. Fear and revulsion coalesced into painful resignation. None of it made sense to me, but I did know one thing—Jade was unhappy.
*******
“So what did you see when you bumped into her?” Miranda asked when I joined her in the parking lot.
“Just a quick glimpse of her riding in someone’s car. She didn’t seem happy about it.”
“Probably one of those dates you have—a lot. She was with someone she didn’t like and was trying to get out of it.”
“Probably,” I said with a nod.
Normally, our way of saying good night was a fist bump. In the habit, Miranda raised her fist, then awkwardly tucked her hand behind her back. “I’m trying to get used to this. My mind has been going ninety miles an hour since you told me.” She stuffed her hands in the pockets of her gym pants. “It won’t always be so awkward. We’ll work through this…like we’ve always worked through things.”
I wanted to hug her. Perhaps another byproduct of my experience, I craved to give and receive affection, and now ironically, I couldn’t. “Thanks.” I opened the door to my car and smiled back at her. “Give Marty a kiss for me, will ya?”
Miranda looked at me oddly for a second before saying, “Will do.”
Chapter 3
A few days later, Jade produced a diet and workout plan for Miranda and me. Dutifully, I went to the grocery store that night after the gym and purchased the foods on the list. I was pleasantly surprised to note it didn’t include wing of bat or eye of newt as I had anticipated. Most were meats and veggies I already liked but was too lazy to take the time to cook. That had to change. I’d known it for a while.
It was late when I got home, so I had turkey on wheat with slices of dill pickle instead of condiments. I washed it down with a glass of water, showered, and went to bed. I thought I had a pretty decent handle on loneliness. Surrounded by friends who had companions, I recognized the empty feeling often. I’d keep it at bay by going home and getting online. Usually, by the next weekend, I’d have a date, someone to occupy my time and sometimes my bed. But in the quiet hours when I lay staring at the ceiling as I did that night, I felt it creeping in, as familiar to me as the pillow beneath my head. But unlike the pillow, it brought me no comfort.
Marty and Miranda had been together for six years. Deb and Angel for three, Lonna and Paige had just celebrated their first anniversary. Miranda, Deb, and Lonna were my friends, and I’d watched each of them fall in love and enter the world of coupledom. I’d seen lovers come and go, but now it all seemed different. They were settled, happy, content.
I never bothered to question why I hadn’t done the same. I told myself and them that it just wasn’t my thing. Miranda knew better, and I did, too, even though I denied it to everyone, including myself. I was scared. My mother, brother, and ultimately, my aunt had left me. Even Momma Donahue when she succumbed to complications from diabetes. I was afraid to invest my feelings in someone, even though I’d done it with Miranda. I had no choice, really. She wove her way into my heart over time. But to trust to hope…that was just too scary for me, the price way too high to pay.