She caught me before I was able to get into my car and put her hand on the door. “I asked you what you were doing,” she said calmly.
“I don’t know.” I turned and looked past her shoulder, still unable to meet her gaze. “I was curious. Her behavior is kind of off, right?”
Miranda nodded. “Yeah, she’s odd.”
“The whole time we were working out, I kept thinking about her, and the more I thought, the more I wanted to know.” I shrugged. “I didn’t stop to consider my actions. I saw the opportunity and took it.”
“Maybe that’s another facet of control we need to concentrate on in your training.”
I shuddered at the images and feelings. “I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to hone it. I want to destroy it.” Without having my hands on Miranda, I knew what she was thinking. I’d have this until the day I died—again.
“What did she show you?”
I frowned and shook my head. “I don’t think it’s something I can share, not even with you. It was not meant for me to see. I’ve stolen something from her, and I don’t feel right about revealing it.”
“Must’ve been bad then.” Miranda took a step back. “She didn’t kill anyone, did she?”
“Nothing like that.” I held out my fist, and Miranda bumped it. I felt overwhelming curiosity tempered by a personal code of ethics, something I was obviously lacking.
For the drive home, I pulled out my iPod and picked the loudest, angriest music I had and cranked the volume as far as it would go. I counted the stops signs and street lights, anything to keep my mind occupied to block what I’d seen and felt. But when I lay down to sleep that night, they came.
I was in Jade’s body seeing through her eyes, feeling what she felt, and I hated it probably as much as she did.
“I thought we had an understanding, Duane.”
I couldn’t see the man Jade was talking to; her gaze was fixed on the road ahead. She was scared, angry, and repulsed.
“I thought we did, too.” His tone was flippant, dismissive, and whatever they were discussing gave him no pause. He continued to drive at the same high speed. The dark terrain flew by.
“I need this job.”
“We’re not employer or employee tonight, just two adults out to have a good time.”
Jade turned her head sharply, giving me a view of him. He was nice-looking, and his arms were heavily muscled, accentuated by the sleeveless shirt he wore. Jade looked down at her gym clothes. She wasn’t dressed for a night on the town, and she seriously doubted that Duane had dinner in mind. “You’re supposed to be taking me home, not out.”
“Let’s have a few drinks and talk. We never get to do that at work.” Agitation laced his words. This probably worked on a lot of young women entranced by his good looks. For some, special interest being paid by the boss could be a lucrative opportunity. Duane obviously wasn’t used to being rebuffed, gentle as it was.
“I want you to turn around and take me home, please.” Jade managed to stay calm, but I could hear and feel the desperation in the word “please.”
“Are you gay?” he asked without slowing.
I felt Jade’s hand grip the door handle. “I’m not…attracted to you, Duane, and I want to go home now.” Panic started to rise in both of us. She turned and looked at the darkened houses flying by, trying to gauge how much damage she would incur if she tried to jump. If she opened the door, that might be enough to let him know she was serious. It might also distract and cause him to slow down enough for her to make a break. I felt her other hand move down and unclip the seat belt. When the alarm started to chime, she opened the door. Duane hit the brakes hard and swerved onto the shoulder of the road.
“Are you crazy?” he screamed, but Jade didn’t look back. She was out of the car and halfway down in a ditch. I felt the mud sucking at her shoes.
“Accept this as my resignation.” She moved farther away from the car. She heard the door slam and the engine rev, and Duane was gone without argument.
A tear streaked down her face. I felt her hand go up and wipe at it angrily. The thoughts that went through her mind like a tide were my own.
I’ll have to move. I’m not dropping another penny into that rat trap car. I’ll have to spend my savings on something else. Another town, another start. I’m the queen of starting over.
Prospects for her were dismal. The knowledge was part of her without it being an active thought. A high school dropout who only had one area of expertise. She’d have to find another gym. Maybe this time the boss would be decent.
It was well past one in the morning before I finally managed to go to sleep.
Chapter 5
Kaylie, the teenage girl who worked for me part time, was thrilled when I called her Friday night and offered the entire weekend. Normally, she’d come in half a day Saturday and Sunday, but I needed a break. She knew to call me if there were more customers than she could handle, but otherwise she’d leave me alone.
I defied the diet plan and skipped breakfast. With a cup of coffee in hand, I settled on the couch and stared out the window at life going by, thinking, and feeling sorry for myself. Actually, I felt sorry for everyone else, too. Up until recently, I thought about my own problems—no groceries, the power bill was much higher than it should’ve been, the light switch in the spare bedroom wasn’t working, on and on and on. Insignificant stuff, but a burden nonetheless. Now I was privy to everyone else’s problems and hurts, and they were so much bigger than mine…until now.
The sound of a key moving in the lock of my front door startled me. I was so absorbed in my own thoughts I didn’t notice Miranda coming up the front walk. As always, she walked in like she owned the place and smiled at me.
“Good morning,” she said cheerfully.
I grunted in response.
Miranda breezed past me into the kitchen. I could hear the clink of the coffeepot as it met with her cup. A spoon dropped onto the counter, then she was back. She took a seat in a chair opposite me with an expression imploring me to do more than grunt.
“I’m depressed.” I took a sip of coffee that had grown cold and set the cup on the table in front of me.
“About?”
“Everyone I touch is sad. The woman with cancer, Jade and her troubles, you and…” I didn’t bother to finish, she knew. “I feel like the whole world is suffering, but we go on hiding behind fake smiles.”
Miranda was thoughtful for a minute. When in deep concentration, she rubbed the bridge of her nose with her index finger. I watched each stroke as she stared at my coffee cup. “I’m not sad,” she said after a minute or two. “I’ll admit I was deeply troubled after the incident with you, but now that we’re talking about it, I’m probably not going to see the therapist anymore.” She cocked her head. “I do replay your accident, but it doesn’t affect me as much as it did.”
I shrugged. “So?”
Miranda went back to rubbing the bridge of her nose. “You’ve burned yourself on the stove, right?”
I nodded.
“And every time you go into the kitchen, you remember that maybe just for a second. Pain is a powerful teacher and makes a lasting impression.”
I thought about that for a second or two. “All my memories aren’t painful. I have some really wonderful ones like the time Mom let us keep that kitten we found.”
Miranda smiled. “I remember that, too.” She began rubbing the bridge of her nose again and looked at me. “I think it’s about timing. You touched me when I was grappling with your accident. You touched a woman who had just been told she was dying, and Jade, well, only you know that.” She snapped her fingers. “You need to touch someone who is obviously happy.”
“I’ll touch you then. You said you aren’t sad.”
“No, no, we need a fresh candidate. Someone you don’t share a past with.” Miranda grinned. “Get dressed, we’re going to the store.”
*******
My hair was still wet from my shower when we walked through the back entrance to my store. Kaylie had the Windex out and was cleaning the glass counter at the register. She smiled brightly as we walked in. “Good morning,” she said with exuberance.
“Been busy?” Miranda walked around the front of the counter.
“Only two browsers so far.” Kaylie went back to scrubbing at a particularly thick smudge.
Miranda motioned with her eyes as I stood there trying to remember what I was there to do. I walked behind the counter. “I really appreciate you handling things for me.” I laid my hand on Kaylie’s shoulder.
Miranda must’ve said something, too, because in the distance I heard them talking while images flooded my mind. Kaylie had a calculator, and she was furiously punching in numbers. The total came to seven thousand four hundred dollars and some odd cents. I felt the sting in my hands as she clapped and bounced on her chair. She looked at the car on her computer screen. I felt the thrill coursing through her. A couple hundred more dollars, and it would be hers. In her mind, she was taking a ride down the coast, wind blowing in her blond hair, music blaring, her dog at her side. It filled her with such excitement that I could feel it bubbling up in my chest.
I felt the smile on my face when I stepped back and broke the connection. Miranda’s eyes conveyed the excitement she felt. Another successful experiment, and she couldn’t wait to hear the details.
“If you need anything at all, Kaylie, just call me. I’ll be around the house for most of the day.”
“Well, that’s not exactly true.” Miranda looked between us both. “Sparky has to go in for a checkup, and you know Marty won’t go with me.”
I folded my arms. “So that’s why you suggested that I shower? Just so I could get Sparky stink all over me?”
“What’s wrong with Sparky?” Kaylie asked.
“He doesn’t like going to the vet,” Miranda said.
“What’s wrong with Sparky is he’s sixty pounds of high anxiety to begin with, add in a trip to the vet, and that’s compounded by a million.” I dreaded the Sparky trips. Marty was a wise woman to refuse. “He won’t go into the building. We have to pick him up and pry his paws off the doorjamb, then he shows his teeth to everyone and snaps at the doctor while they muzzle him.”
“Oh.” Kaylie looked like she was happy she didn’t have to take part.
*******
“So what happened with Kaylie?” Miranda asked.
I turned to look at her, but instead of meeting her blue eyes, I met brown, and the breath that buffeted my face was really awful. Miranda gave Sparky a gentle push, and he moved back to his spot at the window behind the driver’s seat. He stuck his head out the half-opened window, and his tongue took to the breeze, slapping the side of his face and the glass, leaving trails of spittle.
“She’s planning to buy a car, and she almost has enough money. I could feel her excitement so intensely.” I sighed. “It was such a great feeling.”
“I knew it was something happy by the look on your face.” Miranda banged her fist on the steering wheel in time with the music on the radio. “It’s timing. You can’t let those first few experiences get you down. This has a high side.”
High side
. If there was one, I still wasn’t seeing it. Yes, it was great to experience utter bliss through someone else, but therein lay the problem. Joy or not, I was still a voyeur, an unwilling participant. I wanted to touch and feel the warmth and softness of another’s skin, not their lows or highs.
Miranda was trying to be upbeat for my sake. Determined to focus on the positive to work through this issue, so I could live life normally again. But for me, I knew normal wasn’t going to be anything I recognized anymore. I felt myself slipping deeper into the abyss, a very lonely abyss.
A low growl came from the backseat as we turned into the vet’s parking lot. I looked back at Sparky, and he looked at me like I was a traitor. “Sorry, boy. Just make the best of it, and it’ll all be over soon.” He didn’t look so convinced. Actually, he looked like he wanted to gnaw my face off. I climbed from the car quickly.
Miranda had to crawl into the backseat to clip the leash on his collar because Sparky had wedged himself in the opposite corner of the back dash. “Come on, boy,” Miranda said with a grunt as she tugged. Sparky managed to grab a little traction on the fabric of the seat, but Miranda, with brute strength alone, grabbed him by the collar and pulled him from the car. First hurdle crossed, the second would be more difficult.
We walked across the lot behind Sparky, who peed on everything he could get a leg over, a pleasant distraction for all of us, but then came the door, and hurdle two loomed above us. I opened it and stepped inside as Miranda picked up Sparky. All four paws went to the doorjamb. I’d get one paw down and move to the next, only to have the first paw wedge against the facing.
I was too busy to wonder how it would affect me to touch an animal. I tucked two paws into my armpit and grabbed for the other two while Miranda pushed. All the while, emotions ran through me without thought—nervousness, fear, anger, and confusion. It was at that moment that I wished this gift or curse or whatever it was worked two ways. I wanted to lay a hand on Sparky and make him understand it was all okay. Unfortunately, the transfer was only one-sided, and all the strokes and scratches left Sparky unaffected and me covered in stinky dog fur.
Miranda found a far corner of the room where she could stand and let Sparky pace. I checked in at the desk. The woman, obviously familiar with Sparky, grimaced. I took a seat and rested up for hurdle three—the door that led to the examining room. Dogs of all sorts on leashes shared the same dreadful look that Sparky did. Cats not so much. They mewled from kennels occasionally, a few on leashes themselves sat on their owner’s laps, viewing the spectacle with wary indifference.
“What sort of breed is your dog?” the lady next to me asked.
I was quick to clarify. “He’s not my dog. He belongs to my best friend. I just came along to help.” I looked over at Sparky and wondered what he was. Some sort of shepherd maybe judging by the tufts of fur. Maybe some Irish setter with the red in his coat. I was stumped on the smashed-in snout. I turned and looked at the woman. “The jury is still out on that one. I suppose he’s a mixture of just about everything. Possibly even donkey.”