Authors: Lauren Child

Hang In There Bozo (11 page)

YOU:
âOh my good gosh! That reminds me, I'm meant to be meeting Aunty Lopes at the swimming baths! Excuse me while I skedaddle.'

EXAMPLE 2

Explain that you need to check on an ageing relative without delay.

âI must call my Grandpa Louie. He's seventy-two and fell down a water main last week while on vacation.'

EXAMPLE 3

Introduce your companion to another party-goer, continue conversing for three minutes and give them both the slip.

âClancy, you must meet Alice Meindnumb! We've been having the most fascinating conversation about antelope bathingâ¦ talking of which I might just take a little trip to the bathroom myself.'
{Scowl from Clancy.}

EXAMPLE 4

Excuse yourself to help the host.

âSounds like our host is trying to wrestle a whole herd of antelope in the kitchen. I'll just see what I can do to help.'

EXAMPLE 5

Start acting strangely.

âAntelopes! That takes me back to my student days. I once lived with one you know, very personable, but after a while his knees gave up; he was afraid of the elevator you see and living in an apartment block with nineteen flights of stairs did him no good at all, especially on the days when he went grocery shopping.'

Boring individual will excuse himself and rush from scene.

When nothing else comes to mindâ¦

Faint.

SOMETIMES WORDS WILL FAIL YOU, other times the obvious
words can be too obvious, and sometimes words are just not an option â this is when
get me outta here
signals can come in handy.

FIRE

Looking to be spotted by a plane or ship? OK, buster: light three fires. This
is an internationally recognised distress signal.

MORSE CODE

Morse code is pretty useful. Me and Clancy Crew use it all the time to
communicate in class. But if you're not gonna learn the whole alphabet, you need to at least
remember one little word:
SOS
.

This is maybe the most famous signal in the world and you can make it with a torch,
a fire, a radio â all sorts of things.

Here's what you need to know buster:

LETTER	IN MORSE CODE	ORâ¦
S	dot dot dot	. . .
O	dash dash dash	â â â
SOS	dot dot dot dash dash dash dot dot dot	. . . â â â . . .

Imagine you're in a life raft at night and you see a ship passing. You have a
torch in your kit. What you do is use the on/off switch to make:

Three short flashes.

Three long flashes.

Then three short flashes again.

So, you just signalled SOS in Morse code and now you gotta sit on that raft and hope
like crazy that that big old ship makes an about-turn and picks you up. You gotta cross your fingers
that the captain wasn't taking a little bathroom break when you were signalling your
distress. If he was, you better take a look at the â
Marooned at sea
' section.

AN ESCAPE WORD

This can be a very good idea when you are in a tight spot: bored to tears at a
social engagement, needing to get outta somewhere fast, trying to communicate that you have been
captured by a dangerous criminal without letting on you are actually asking to be rescued. These are
all good reasons to use an escape word.

Clancy Crew tried to remember all the
things Ruby had said during their telephone conversation just the other night. That had been the
last time Clancy had heard from Ruby. Had Ruby been trying to tell him something? Maybe she had been
captured by some arch-villain and was trying to let Clancy know her whereabouts in some sort of
code.

Now Clancy thought of it, it did seem strange that
Ruby had mentioned that she was having tapioca pudding in China. Ruby Redfort hated tapioca pudding
â everybody knew that! And just what was she doing in China?

Don't pick a word that is either too common or too obscure. For example:
cat
.

It would be awkward if the subject of cats came up in conversation if this was your
escape code word.

Equally, don't get too complicated. For example: you might find it a bit of a
struggle and therefore a giveaway trying to work
xylophone
into your
conversation.

VILLAIN
: âWould you like to stay for dinner in my remote castle?'

YOU
: âWell, the thing is, I ought to go home and practise my
xylophone.'

A GOOD ESCAPE WORD EXAMPLE

Canary
is a good code word because it isn't
commonly used in chit-chat, but can be inserted easily into most conversations.

BOTHERSOME
PERSON
:
âCan I show you my collection of unusual hats? The unusual thing about
them is that they are all exactly the same.'

YOU
:
âI bought a wonderful canary yellow hat last week that would be divine
with those pants.'

{Means: Let's split the scene before my brain
stops functioning
.}

Or maybe: