Hang In There Bozo (7 page)
Read Hang In There Bozo Online
Authors: Lauren Child
Here's what you gotta do: crazy as it may seem, relax and let the current take you out as far as it's going to (probably a hundred metres or so) and, once it has released you, swim parallel to the beach until you are past the current's grip and then head for shore. Rip tides are usually only a metre or so wide, though remember that they can be much wider â up to a hundred metres sometimes.
If you have a little more experience and strength then you don't need to wait for the current to stop pulling you: instead, swim parallel to the shoreline. You will find you are still carried out to sea, but will reach the current's edge more quickly â again, once you no longer feel the current's pull, you can start heading into shore.
âI saw you waving Ruby honey,' said her aunt, adjusting her large white sunglasses. âYou looked like you were having a wonderful time, though I don't like you swimming so far from shore. I think there are rip tides out there.'
âNo kidding,' said Ruby, sinking to the ground.
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THERE ARE A WHOLE LOTTA CREATURES you wanna avoid in any survival situation, for the obvious reason that they would like to eat you or kill you â or even just bite you a little, which let's face it is never a whole load of fun.
Rattlenakesâ¦
ADVICE:
Never step on a rattlesnake.
Rattlesnakes are found in various parts of the United States, Canada and Mexico. You find them pretty much everywhere in Central and South America: anywhere that is wilderness.
When walking in snakish environments, tread carefully. You are not their prey, but they will strike if they feel threatened. Let them know you're coming and give them the chance to disappear. Avoid reaching under rocks: snakes hide under rocks and in dark hollows to get out of the sun. Always check your footwear before sticking your toes in, likewise sleeping gear.
If you spot a snake on your travels you might be interested to know: is it life-threatening? What type of reptile is it? My advice: don't get too close.
Better to assume all snakes are dangerous than the other way around
.
REMEMBER:
You're not stopping to make friends here so if you don't recognise what type of snake you've stumbled across then don't lean in for a closer peek â get outta there bozo!
If bitten by a snake, you need to get hold of some anti-venom pretty darned quick: not easy in the wilderness.
You will also need to identify the snake because you need to know what venom you're dealing with; take the wrong anti-venom and it's curtains my friend.
HOW TO SPOT A RATTLER
Rattlesnakes are pit vipers, not because they live in pits but because they have
a small depression (the pit) between the eye and nostril
. These are heat sensors, used for detecting prey.
Like most venomous snakes, they have a
flat triangular head
, shaped this way for storing venom.
But the big clue is the
rattle on the end of the tail
. They use this to warn their enemies to back off, so if you hear it rattle, be warned.
DEALING WITH THE BITE
Make sure you don't get bitten again,
so move away from the snake.
Stay calm,
DO NOT RUN AROUND; this will make the poison spread quicker.
Remove constrictive clothing and watches, rings, etc.
â you are probably gonna puff up like a balloon. DO NOT apply a tourniquet.
Wash the puncture holes with water.
If you have a snake-bite kit handy then suction the wound;
if you don't then DO NOT USE YOUR MOUTH to suck out the venom.
Keep the wound lower than your heart
and if bitten on the arm then make a sling.
Get medical assistance.
How to charm a snakeâ¦
Don't even go there buster.
What some people say about snake charming: the snake isn't so much charmed as confused. And a confused snake is an unpredictable snake.
Confuse 'em. Defuse 'em. Unlike with snakes you are actually charming this poisonous personality. Confusing them by being nice.
Killing 'em with kindness
.
Find their weak spotâ¦
Mrs Bexenheath, she's the secretary at Twinford Junior High and she can be one tricky customer: sometimes she's all smiles and nice words and other times she's a real viper. She can even come across as pretty stupid; this is because she sorta IS pretty stupid (that sounds harsh I know, but it's accurate). Anyway, what I'm saying is: just because a person ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer doesn't mean they ain't capable of causing you a whole lot of pain. If they're tricky, like Mrs Bexenheath is, then they need careful handling.
Mrs Bexenheath, the school secretary, looked up to see what at first glance she imagined must be some Hollywood film star. It was as if he had unwittingly strayed off the âwalk of fame' and wandered into the shabby halls of Twinford Junior High â so entirely out of place was he.
However, this handsome man struck up an easy conversation with her and before a minute had passed Mrs Bexenheath had found herself agreeing to excuse Ruby Redfort from all lessons for the foreseeable future. She had concentrated carefully, all the while staring into his Hollywood eyes, wondering were they brown or were they hazel. And, although after he had left she couldn't exactly remember why she had excused Ruby from classes, she did find herself very sympathetic.
âOf course! Of course, she must take all the time she needs,' she had gushed.
âJust remember, Mrs Bexenheath, keep it hush hush â oh and don't bother Mr and Mrs Redfort, if you need to ask anything then be sure to bother me.'
âOh, I will, I will,' said Mrs Bexenheath sincerely.
Hitch thanked the school secretary for her warmth and kind-heartedness, and promised that yes, he would make a point of visiting the school again soon. Then he said goodbye and returned to the car where Ruby was waiting.
âSo?' said Ruby when Hitch got back into the driver's seat.
âMrs Bexenheath passed on her warmest wishes and insists you take all the time you need.'
âReally? What did you tell the old crab apple?' asked Ruby.
Ignoreâ¦
There are exceptions to the killing with kindness rule and Wendall Levitt is one of them.
Mr Levitt is himself a contender for Grinch of the Year and should be avoided at all times; though as with rattlesnakes this is not always possible. He happens to run the local pet store: I totally avoid entering the premises, but sometimes Bug ambles in looking for dog biscuits. Mr Levitt is no animal lover â he loves people even less.
For old Mr Levitt it wouldn't matter if he woke up to find he had won the lottery, he would still feel he had been short-changed. Spend fifty cents: you're wasting his time. Spend fifty dollars: now he has to spend time restocking the shelves in his store.
What to do if your husky wanders into a pet store owned by a Snakish Individual who thinks he is being Reasonableâ¦
Ruby watched as her dog, Bug, ambled into Mr Levitt's store. She winced, knowing that there was no way the husky was going to come out of there without her going in after him.
Over the years, she had watched Mrs Digby dealing with the problem unsuccessfully and getting into one scrap after another. Mrs Digby's problem was that she was not prepared to put up with the old man's complaints and arguments and general blaming of everyone else. Fair enough, thought Ruby, but the downside was that Mrs Digby would always come out fuming and battle-weary.
Ruby had adopted a better method. What she had figured out was that there is no point getting into an argument with someone who knows they are right â even if you know that they are not.
You are best to totally ignore this person. You will never make them see the light, and you will die trying. (See âHow to survive a Rip Current') They will never, ever like you because, let's be straight here: they don't like anyone and this ain't gonna change, not in a million.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
A last word on snakesâ¦
So long as you don't come into contact with their fangs, snakes are pretty harmless⦠well, except for anacondas and pythons and the strangling or swallowing types.
Anacondasâ¦
The anaconda is a huge animal-swallowing snake, often in excess of five metres long and capable of opening its jaws incredibly wide to digest an entire goat, deer or caiman (South American crocodile) without taking one bite.
So there you are in the Amazon rainforest, just tucking in for the night, when you realise it isn't your sleeping bag you're snuggling into, but a giant anaconda. What do you do?
First of all, don't struggle; it won't get you anywhere and you'll just waste valuable energy.
What you should do is stay calm (yeah, right) then slowly reach for your handy penknife which you should keep attached to your belt for just such an emergency. Pull it close to your chest and hold it in both hands. Now wait. That's the hard part; you gotta wait until you're all but swallowed up in the snake's body. Once your arms are inside, point the knife straight up and stab the snake through the head: this will kill it. You can then pull yourself free and climb out unharmed.
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