Hang In There Bozo (2 page)

RIGHT OFF THE BAT you need to know about some useful things to have on your person when things turn bad. OK, so you won't necessarily carry all these things with you all the time – certainly not if you happen to be a school kid – but if you know you're headed to the wilderness or the back of beyond then here are some survival equipment suggestions.

SURVIVAL TOOLS

It can be super handy to have a mini flashlight with you: I usually keep one clipped to my keyring or my belt loop. Useful not only for illumination, it also can be used for signalling and SOS messages.

Take a
PENCIL
(pencils are better than pens because they don't run out of ink or freeze up in sub-zero conditions).

A
SMALL NOTEBOOK
is good – you never know when you might need to note something down or leave a message for someone else. No pencil? You can make charcoal from burnt wood. Or perhaps you need to leave a message on a slightly bigger scale – depending on the terrain, you might find chalk, flints, sticks or other materials.

 

 

UNSUITABLE STICKS:

A) TOO SMALL B) TOO VEGETARIAN C) JUST DON'T, BOZO

 

Fire is your friend in a survival situation so keep your
MATCHES
safe: don't waste them and don't get 'em wet. A good tip is to keep them in a watertight container at all times.

For obvious reasons a
PENKNIFE
can be very handy in the wild. Use it for gutting fish, cutting up food, string, bandages, whittling wood, and countless other things.

You can use
SAFETY PINS
to remove splinters, replace a missing button or broken zipper, as a fishing hook, to pin a note to a tree, to secure the opening to a makeshift shelter… and I'm sure you'll find a whole bunch of other things to use 'em for.

STRING
: what can I say? String is just one of those things that can be super useful. It's light and easy to carry so why not keep it in your backpack for any emergency? You'll think of a use for it.

 

 

 

MAGNIFYING GLASS
. I'm not gonna dwell on this since I'm sure you all know (but just in case some of you have been living on Mars) you can use a magnifying glass to start a fire. Hold it over some tinder (dry grass and leaves) and let the sun shine through. It will heat up and after a short while make flames. Once you've done that, you can use it to look at tiny things.

 

 

Take a
COMPASS
that glows in the dark – but make sure you know how to read it or it'll be worse than useless bozo.

Take
NEEDLES AND THREAD
for fixing clothes, or making an improvised compass if you've forgotten yours.
1
Take a few, and make sure one of them has a very big eye for use with thick threads, or for if you have taken some sinew from a deer to use as thread. You never know, it might happen.

CANDLES
are useful for light when you have made shelter. Choose tallow candles, as these are made from fat and can also be eaten in an emergency.

If you can then take a little bit of
SALT
with you; it won't take up much space and salt is an essential nutrient and often very hard to find in the wild.

A large
POLYTHENE SURVIVAL BAG
about two metres by half a metre can be a life-saver. In an emergency you can get inside to preserve heat – but LEAVE YOUR HEAD OUT so you can breathe, bozo. Or, in less of an emergency, you can use it to get water from trees,
2
or cut it to make a sheet shelter.
3

 

 

 

SPECTRUM GADGETS

OK, SO I SHOULD CONFESS HERE
that I sometimes get a little helping hand from my spy agency, Spectrum. They supply me with gadgets that have a little more
oomph
than the regular hardware, if you know what I'm saying.

Here are some examples of handy life-savers that have gotten me out of more than one or two scrapes.

THE BREATHING BUCKLE

To be used underwater. Slip buckle off belt, place between teeth and breathe comfortably for twenty-seven minutes, two seconds. Warning! No reserve air canister.

This gadget may be unexciting to look at, but it sure is a life-saver. Take my recent run-in with a giant strangling cephalopod: I would have been deep down ocean-bound, soon to be sleeping with the fishes, if it hadn't been for this little baby.

LIMPET LIGHTS

Also known as Hansel and Gretel find-your-way-home glows. Underwater phosphorescent lights for making a trail. Guaranteed not to move. Duration five hours.