Authors: Brian Chikwava
'Don't sing them funny songs to the baby or he grow up thinking
he is animal. Sing him nice revolutionary songs,' I say standing
by door. Tsitsi nearly jump out of she skin with fright. On the
bed, baby have been thrashing about trying to crawl towards
mother as she sing '
Dangwe rangu
', my firstborn. Now we smile
at them and baby start to cry.
All by she own self, she was now singing pure animal sound
from the hills, doing that hair-raising yodelling thing called
gule
except there's no
mbira
instrument to accompany she.
Something had wake up inside she, me I can tell. She don't
even hear us creep inside the house and we find she in she
room sitting careless on she bed – one leg point to the mountains
and another to the river; no worry or fear on she face.
But she is happy to see us. She come back to the house this
morning.
'MaiMusindo is away on funeral so I spend one night with
Eunice in animal and something,' she say with big happy eyes.
'What animal?'
'Animal something.'
'It's called E . . . Elephant and Castle, Tsitsi.' Shingi solve the
puzzle.
Without Aleck around the air inside house feel light. Tsitsi
already talk animated like free thing.
'M. . . me I am wo . . . worryful that maybe Aleck is going to
tell them police; soon they come and catch us?'
'Aleck only run away from his baby and nothing else,' Tsitsi
dismiss Shingi.
We eat
sadza
and them sardines that Tsitsi have buy. All night
we talk talk about everything and now we feel like free things
while we sit on Tsitsi's bed. We discover by accident that she keep
bundle of money hidden inside she mattress but we only laugh
about it and talk big things.
And Farayi – no one know where Farayi go and we don't know
if he is going to come back. But he have clear everything that was
around his bed and take it with him.
We wake up late on Sunday and Tsitsi already in our room putting
she baby on us so that baby can pull away the blankets and get
us out of bed.
'Why Aleck never make that call to the police to fix us?' I ask
Tsitsi and she shrug and pick baby from my chest. I ask the question
for the whole week but Tsitsi don't want to let fear stalk she
so she don't want to talk about it. She is running the place like
it's she place now, and like real mother she is busy making quick
and hard decision on everything – food, cooking and the time for
eating – and me and Shingi chill. But soon we also have to make
hard decision about Tsitsi. If she stay here too long then she and
the baby will start eating into our savings and me I will never
leave this country. We have to make plan.
Aleck have evil around his waist and evil can chase away other
people's luck. How else to explain how you was struggling to
hang on to graft except that he chase away people's luck? How
else to explain that no sooner have Aleck leave you get new good
graft? me I ask. That is after Shingi get brand-new graft at
Westminster.
Shingi agree. Last week he come home with this advert for
graft that pay £12 per hour. That is more than £2,000 per month
even after the tax. Shingi want it and want me to take it too. But
it was BBC graft.
Good money, but that's because you will be wiping posh
buttocks, it sound like. You want to do something – what is better,
to try doing it your own style and risk finding small success, or
to do it in undignified pooful way and find big success? I ask him.
It's after this that he find Westminster graft and me I cook him
big steak on the day he start graft because he is now proper breadwinner.
Once Tsitsi go, everything will sail smooth.
Things is getting sweet now because soon me I am cruising at
steady 90km/h inside Shingi's pocket. Soon I also cruise at 90km/h
inside Sekai's pocket as soon as she come back. That will make
total of 180km/h and there's no speed limit in sight. And when
I shoo Tsitsi away, soon the big plan come together and me I will
be sweet.
The problem with secrets is that sometimes even if you bury
them 90km underground they can still come out and chomp your
head off, I warn Shingi. He have now start getting streetwise
about things; he have grow some small secret: he don't want his
family to know that he now work in Parliament because they
maybe get wrong ideas and start wanting to dust out his pockets.
I know this native style but I keep his secret safe.
And the weather in London, it now begin to change and put
me in good mood as we coast into them unending English summer
days. Everything is sweet; them Harare North girls and the flowers
mainly. And Tsitsi, now she wake us every morning with baby
because now we is buying proper food.
'Tsitsi, you have to be careful with Shingi because his bestest sexy
touch is as sophisticate as that of goat.' It's after supper and Shingi
give me talking eye.
Don't worry, it's only them these good meals make me talk
gibberish. These days Tsitsi cook meals that if you don't have
strong mind you can only eat while tied down by wire because
these meals is so wicked-nice they can make you go raving and
talking gibberish all week if you is not careful.
Shingi don't say nothing. Not even one laugh.
She is mother, this Tsitsi. Mothers can cook number-one meals.
Tsitsi take baby to she room because he want to sleep.
Me I don't know why Tsitsi come back to the house instead of
going to she aunt. That make two more stomachs now if you count
the baby and that will make big dent on your savings, I tell Shingi.
Shingi say nothing.
But she is sweet because now she sometimes leave baby with me
so I can bottle-feed him when she is cooking. And the baby now
smile at me when I squeeze the milk into his mouth. He like me.
With them days splashing up and down dead on London skyline,
Shingi have start to talk like the old comrade that I know. He buy
all the food for us and now have heap of money because the week
has end and he have been paid again.
Me I am worryful about keeping lot of money inside the house.
Why?
Who keep money inside house?
Take it to the bank.
I try to open bank account last week but it's impossible if you
is Zimbabwean. Them banks want heaps of papers from you before
you can open account. They say it's because of them sanctions
that is target at Zimbabwean government people and they
relatives. Me I have no time to find all them paper – things from
tax office and all.
Then put it inside mattress like Tsitsi, Shingi say. I give him smile.
Out of nowhere he do this old-style trick on me. You don't
mind keeping eye on my money since you is inside the house most
of the time? he say.
Clever idea; get the thief to look after your things and he won't
thief them, but I don't say it.
I will think about it because this is the first time I've ever
hear of someone trying to turn his friend into his own security
guard. Me I don't know whether to feel offended or what, I tell
him.
It's because your suitcase is strong and more secure so maybe
it's better if I keep the money there.
So now I'm supposed to look after your money?
Shingi look defeated.
OK, for you I'll do it even though I do it with heavy heart, I
say after powerful reasoning.
You have not buy me the security guard's cap, uniform and
rifle but it's OK, I give him warm grin. If it was anyone else I
would not agree big responsibility like this because what happen
if the money get thief from me? But you are old friend. It's OK
for your money to live inside my suitcase.
Now Shingi sing out-of-tune numbers while taking his showers
every evening. He chew up many songs in bad way and step out
of the shower with satisfied look on his face and you can tell he
is trying to thief his way into Tsitsi's head again.
Me I don't want to disturb you now if you want to catch Tsitsi,
I tell him. You are Governor of the Reserve Bank of our house
now, so we have to make sure we put this rural fish, flipping and
flopping, inside your claws.
One month splash up splash down and dead and there's still no
sign of Sekai, Aleck or police. Shingi say he want to take over
Aleck's room because it's near Tsitsi's.
It's good move to take position inside Aleck's room, I tell
him.
Tsitsi have to go back to she aunt soon otherwise we don't
make savings in this house with all these stomachs. I can see it
the way the money inside my suitcase is going down because of
baby food. If Shingi get his claws on she, then she is going to
want to live with us for ever. But me I don't let this disturb my
focus.
I start putting them notes down into my likkle diary and try
to keep the comrade cheerful.
I am thinking that maybe soon we meet someone that know
how to write books, we give them the diary and ask them to write
story about me, you and Tsitsi, I massage Shingi ego. My big
wish is that maybe when we have find good pen driver he can
write cat-and-mouse adventure story about us, make us heaps of
money, and maybe for just one night before I fly back home, we
can afford chance to stick our noses in at one of them cocktail
bars in the city and hit them jugfuls of 'pink pussy' cocktails like
everyone is doing. And maybe if the book really sell like them hot
cakes, maybe we end up rubbing them noses with the mighty
people in London, hitting fattened duck liver and all and going
kak kak kak inside them gents' toilets because they say original
native laugh can frighten important people sometimes so you don't
do it at dinner table. Then me, when I go back home, I have
money to buy dozen cattle and invite the whole district to Mother's
umbuyiso
ceremony.
Shingi and Tsitsi pay attention.
After shovelling lots of words around and all over my diary, me
I think there is chance that we can hit big fame. I can't guarantee
nothing. But we don't want things to catch us by surprise, I put
more sugar in Shingi. We have to acquire what they call culture,
so we don't get embarrassed in company of proper people.
I stir the sugar inside Shingi and Tsitsi for days and tell them
that to learn this culture they also have to ease down some of
they native behaviours so they don't frighten them important
English people.
It is important to use your eyes, your ears and mouth if you is
wanting to catch culture, I teach them. Look, listen and taste.
Listen to the music that them people here is listening to, and be
careful about them names of the bands that you is listening to.
I also write all this in my diary because last week, after we have
spend long time reasoning about learning culture, we have hear
about them Red Hot Chili Peppers playing at the Brixton Academy.
Shingi have big ginger for learning and decide that we go to
Brixton Market so he can buy some of they music so we can put
it on iPod when he finally buy it. Before I know it dust is rising
off them pavements as he start big stand-off with music vendor
who keep saying that the band that Shingi is talking about don't
exist. That's because Shingi have been asking for the Red Hot
Piri-Piris instead of Red Hot Chili Peppers.
That kind of style we have to put inside bin, I tell Shingi. It
important to pay big attention to some of them subtly things. I
know how these things work. Also keep the native way down in
the hole because if he jump out he can cause disorder and then
no mother is safe in all of Harare North. 'Don't say, to them
English people, "How can I get to Animal Something?"' when
you want to say, "How can I get to Elephant Castle?" Enough
of that even if you are mother', me I tell Tsitsi. 'Otherwise, we
send you back home.'
We talk heaps about how we now have to start getting familiar
with them clothes labels if we want to acquire proper culture. All
them names like Tommy, Diesel, Levi, iPod, Klein and all them
such kind of people that stick they names on people's clothes.
'These is big important people but don't worry too much trying
to know who they is because no one know them. Even Tony Blair
don't know who Tommy, iPod or Klein is; and the prime minister
know buckets of people.' I get ready to finish my lecture and Tsitsi
go kak kak kak kak.
'But Tommy and Klein know everyone. That's how big they
is. Maybe one day Shingi become real big Governor of the Reserve
Bank and also get the right to stick "Shingi" on people jeans.
Even on them mothers' knickers. All of them. Then you know we
have hit them big times when that happen.'
Tsitsi look at me funny now. Me I ignore she and continue
talking.
'Has Uncle Rasputin now drop us some of his money because he
is getting away with murder?' I say when Sekai open the front
door. She is back. 'If we was back home he will not have been
make to pay many herd of cattle for sharp knife like you, but many
herd of elephants and rhinos. With all they tusks and horns still
there.'
Sekai is not in mood for jokes. She walk straight to the lounge.
'How was the funeral?' I follow behind she. She don't talk but
just curl up at the end of couch. She is snorting and wiping tears
from she face with tissue paper.
'You . . . you . . .' She shoulders start shaking, she voice crack
and she start to cry. Me I don't know what to do with this. I
have not even catch what she want to say.
She wipe she face again and stop being porridge. She go quiet.
'I know why you are here and you think that I'm your thing
now,' she start without warning. Then she start throwing this
other fishwife kind of mouth all over like she don't care, throwing
arms in the air and all: Yes I do it with Yakov and the dog witness
it. What's the big deal, have you not hear of people having sex?
And anyway, this
mbutu
is mine, I can do whatever I want with
it. Have I ever ask your cousin what kind of holes he stick his
mboro
?