Authors: Hope Navarre
“I hadn't realized that Chance was so starved for male companionship.”
“What do you mean?” She looked at Edward sharply, then out the door toward her son.
“Look how quickly he's warmed up to Neal. It's as if they've known each other for years. Neal's lack of sign language doesn't seem to be much of a problem, although he's picking it up fast. I guess every boy needs a man he can look up to. Someone to show him how to do things. Someone he can imitate and learn from.”
“I hardly think a rodeo bum is someone I want him to imitate.” She studied the gold band on her left hand. “It should be Colin showing him those things, or you.”
Edward laid a hand on her shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. “I miss him, too. But, honey, the truth is that Colin was just like me. Give him a microscope or a textbook and he was as happy as a lark, but if you gave him a hammer, he wouldn't have known which end was which.”
She chuckled. “That's true. I was the one who changed the oil in the car and fixed the squeaky hinge on the bathroom door.”
“Chance must take after his mother, then,” he said with a smile. As he watched the pair through the open door, his smile became tinged with sadness. “Sometimes I wish I could see more of Colin in him.”
Turning back to her, he said, “I know that isn't fair. Chance is his own person. I love him more than life itself.”
“I know you do.” Guilt ate at her until she thought it would burn a hole in her chest. How could she have been so naive as to think she could live with this lie? She thought it would get easier, but it wasn't. It weighed on her soul like a millstone.
Edward smiled and hugged her. “If Chance gets his father's courage and strength of character, then I guess it is okay for him to have the mailman's good looks.”
Robyn couldn't answer him. She stared out the barn door. Neal was letting Chance hammer a nail. She watched as Chance tackled the task with fierce determination. He clutched the hammer with both hands as he tried again and again to hit his target. Neal leaned down and helped him steady the hammer. The smile on her son's face was suddenly painful to see. Why hadn't she noticed how much like Neal's it was?
If Neal continued to spend time with Chance, Edward was sure to notice it, as well. Her heart began to thud painfully. She couldn't let that happen.
She tried to sound nonchalant. “Maybe it isn't such a good idea for Neal to spend so much time with Chance. Chance is going to be brokenhearted when he leaves.”
Edward patted her shoulder softly. “I don't think he'll be the only one.”
He turned and left before she could think of a comeback. Was Edward suggesting that she would miss Neal? That was preposterous. She was thinking of her son. He was the one who would be hurt when Neal left. She had to make Neal understand that his continued presence would only make things worse in the long run.
The next morning, she was waiting on the porch steps when Neal drove in. She stood and started toward two horses saddled and waiting beside the barn. “We need to check the fences in the east pasture and to see how many of the windmills need repairs. Are you up to an all-day ride?”
“Sure.” He grabbed a pair of gloves from the front seat of his truck and followed her. If he was surprised she was planning to spend the day in his company instead of avoiding him, he didn't show it.
The horses were frisky, nipping at each other playfully, tossing their heads and sidestepping like circus performers. She and Neal covered the first four miles of fence without finding any problems and in total silence.
“You'd better get it off your chest,” Neal said suddenly.
She shot him a startled glance and then stared between her horse's ears. “I don't know what you mean.”
He reined his horse in front of hers, forcing her to stop.
“You've got something on your mind. So just say it.”
Taking a deep breath, she faced him squarely. “I want you to stop spending so much time with Chance.”
He stared at her for a long moment. “No.”
He turned his horse away and rode on.
Stunned, she stared at his back. Anger surged through her. She kicked her horse into a trot and caught up with him. “What do you mean, no?”
He stared straight ahead. “No means no. I like the kid, and he likes me.”
“I want you to stay away from him.”
Pulling his horse to a sudden stop, he turned in the saddle to face her. “Give me one good reason why.”
“He'll be hurt when you leave.”
“He doesn't expect me to stay,” he countered.
“Look, I'm his mother, and what I say goes.”
“Not good enough. You're still trying to tell me how to live my life, aren't you? Don't ride bulls. Don't go drinking with your friends. Don't waste your prize money helping some down-and-out old cowboy. And now, don't make friends with Chance. He's my son. If he ever finds out, I'd like him to have a few good memories of me.”
“Why are you making this so hard?”
“Did you ever once think that a big part of the trouble between us was your constant harping about how
I
needed to change?”
She drew back, offended. “Are you trying to say your affair was my fault?”
He stared at the ground and shook his head. “No, it wasn't your fault.”
“Thank you for admitting that.”
He looked up. “And it wasn't an affair, either. I had sex with her once. Most of that I was too drunk to even remember.”
“Once? Ha! She told me you'd been seeing her for months.”
“She lied,” he stated calmly.
Her eyes narrowed with suspicion. “Why would she?”
“I don't know, but it doesn't really matter now, does it? Maybe she wanted to drive a bigger wedge between you and me. She left Ned and made a big play for me when you were gone.”
“I'm glad you weren't lonely.”
“I couldn't bear the sight of her. She reminded me of what an ass I'd been, as if I needed a reminder. I was lonely, but I never wanted anyone but you. I know you don't believe that, but it's the truth.”
Robyn couldn't quite catch her breath. “When I left, I thought you'd been cheating on me for months.”
“Well, you thought wrong. You should have hit me over the head with a frying pan or something and demanded the truth. But no, off you went, and I never knew why. I waited for the phone to ring, too, you know. I wanted to call you and tell you everything and beg your forgiveness, but I was a coward. I made myself believe you wanted a different life, and I didn't want to stand in your way.”
She couldn't process what he was saying. Was she partly to blame for the way things had turned out?
He said, “We should take a break and sit in the shade. What do you say? There's so much we need to talk about.”
Nudging his horse forward, he rode toward a grove of trees on the other side of the creek.
A horrible sensation began to churn in the pit of Robyn's stomach. What if he was telling the truth?
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
R
OBYN
FOLLOWED
N
EAL
slowly as the implication of what he'd said sank in. Once. He had betrayed her once. Did it make any difference how often?
No, of course not. And yet it did. It wasn't the calculated, deceptive affair she had been led to believe. And if what he said was true, it was nothing like the deception she had carried out.
The horses splashed into a shallow creek. She jerked hers to a halt as Neal's horse scrambled up the opposite bank. When he realized she wasn't following, he stopped and gave her a puzzled look. She stared at him for a long moment.
He sat on his horse with the grace of a man born to the saddle. If his ribs still pained him, it didn't show. The scar on his face was fading. Soon it would be only a faint white line. The eye patch had become a familiar feature, and she hardly noticed it anymore. She had been right that day by the spring. Underneath it, he was still the same man, a man she had loved with all her heart.
Why hadn't she had the courage to confront him all those years ago and learn the truth? What a mess she had made of her life. Of both their lives. What was there to talk about? She couldn't undo what she had done.
She had promised Colin on his deathbed that she would never reveal Chance wasn't his child. She had already broken that promise by telling Neal the truth. Edward and Clara doted on Chance. How could she tell them another man had fathered their only grandchild, their only link to their beloved son? She couldn't do it. It would crush them.
She'd had no way of knowing Neal would come back into her life when she had made that promise. She'd never dreamed Neal would want to be part of Chance's life. How had it become so complicated?
A slow grin spread across Neal's face, deepening the crease in his cheeks. He leaned an arm on the saddle horn. “I think his hooves are clean now.”
She flushed as she realized her horse was still standing in the water.
Neal pushed his hat back on his head and smiled at her. Her heart flipped over. In that instant, she knew where taking a break in the shade would lead. Back to the same thing that had happened at Little Bowl Springs. She'd be in his arms again in no time. This craving to be with him had to stop.
“I have to go back.” She needed to think, and she couldn't do it with Neal only a few feet away. She pulled her horse's head around and rode out of the creek.
Neal straightened in the saddle. “Are you okay?”
“I'm fine. I just need to go back now. You go on.”
“I'll ride back with you.” He nudged his horse back down to the water.
“No! I said I'm fine.” Panic filled her. She had to get away and get her emotions under control. “Finish checking the fence in this pasture. It's what my mother is paying you for.”
He jerked his horse to a stop at the edge of the creek and glared at her. Okay, that was a low blow, but she couldn't think of any other way to make him leave her alone. After whirling her horse around, she headed for the ranch house.
“You're running away again, Tweety,” he shouted. She didn't answer him as she rode toward the ranch.
* * *
N
EAL
SMOTHERED
a curse as Robyn rode away. He pulled his mount's head around. He had been a fool to hope they could patch things up. Every time they came close to having a conversation about their past, she took off at a run.
She couldn't forgive him. She couldn't admit he had made a stupid mistake, couldn't admit he was only human and not the perfect hero of her adolescent fantasies. Maybe if he had tried sooner.
Hell, who was he trying to kid, he thought with disgust. He hadn't just been human. He'd been a flashing-neon jerk. There wasn't any way to undo what he'd done. He turned his horse away from the creek and rode on beside the seemingly endless stretch of barbed wire and steel posts, looking for loose wires. He could mend a fence, but he couldn't mend Robyn's heart.
His horse stumbled in a gopher hole, snapping him out of his gray cloud of self-loathing. He patted the black's glossy neck as he reined to a stop and studied the sweeping vista that spread out around him.
The rugged hills rolled away to the horizon in every direction. A flawless blue sky arched overhead, promising another hot afternoon. A stiff wind lifted the horse's mane and set the long bluestem grass bowing in undulating waves of green and brown. Pulling off his hat, he let the breeze dry the sweat on his brow.
He'd passed his thirtieth birthday last spring. He was smart enough to know his days on the rodeo circuit were numbered. He fingered the patch on his face. That was if he could find the nerve to climb on a bull again. If he couldn't... No, he wouldn't accept that. He would ride again.
But a winning rider needed more than nerve. He needed lightning reflexes, exceptional balance and the agility of a cat to evade the danger once he dismounted. And luck, a powerful lot of luck.
He kicked his horse into a walk. His luck had damn sure run out on his last ride. He was a long way from over the hill, but already he could tell his reflexes were a shade slower. His years of experience made up for it somewhat, but the bruises and the sprains took longer to heal. There was always some pimple-faced kid telling him what a great ride he'd made while scoring only a few points less. A kid with a fire in his belly to be the best. Neal knew it wouldn't be long before he'd be the one a few points behind. He was losing his edge. What he really needed was his youth back.
Pulling his horse to an abrupt halt, he turned over an unsettling question in his mind. Was that why he was so determined to win Robyn back? Because he wanted to recapture that part of his past, that feeling of being able to conquer the world because she believed he could?
If that was all he wanted from her, then he was a shallow bastard.
Slowly his tight-lipped frown faded as he pictured Robyn's face. He could see the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed, the way she swept her dark curls back with both hands when she was annoyed, the way her lips looked so soft and inviting, as if they were begging for his kisses.
No, he wanted more than to recapture the past. He wanted Robyn back in his life because his life wasn't complete without her.
He had loved her with a carelessness born of familiarity and youth. He had pretended to himself, and to others, that her leaving hadn't broken his heart. He'd done a pretty convincing job of it. But that moment in the emergency room when he'd realized it was Robyn gripping his hand, whispering he would be all right, when he'd looked up and saw her beautiful eyes filled with tenderness and compassion, he'd known losing her had been the worst thing that had ever happened to him.
Week after week, year after year, he'd gone out and made the best ride he could. He hadn't looked beyond his goal of winning a championship because all he had to look forward to was a future without her.
He wanted to change all that. He wanted to build a future for them together. A future that included his son.
The thought was a scary one. He liked Chance, and he knew the kid liked him. He might not be the best dad ever born, but he couldn't be worse than his old man had been. With Robyn for a mother, Chance would be okay.
It might sound like a plan, but it was full of holes big enough to run a steer through.
Problem number one: What if Robyn wouldn't take him back? It was a real possibility. Unless he could break through the walls she had built around her heart, the point was moot.
If by some miracle they could work things out, would he be able to pretend Chance wasn't his son? He wasn't sure he could agree to that. The boy deserved to know the truth, too.
“Maybe I should give it up and ride out with what little is left of my pride.” His horse's ears twitched at the sound of his voice. “I'd do it, too, if only I hadn't kissed her.”
The kiss by the spring had changed everything. He'd known then that he wasn't over her. He was crazier about her now than he'd been when he was eighteen. When she was in his arms, the world felt right. Without her, the world was...empty.
She still desired him, too. He'd felt it at the spring and he had seen it in her eyes a dozen times since, though she tried hard to hide it. How was he going to get her to quit listening to her wounded pride and start listening to her heart?
He gave a snort of disgust. If Robyn was anything, she was hardheaded. He couldn't get her alone for three minutes most days. This morning his hopes had soared, but she had bolted the moment they had an opportunity for a real conversation.
Granted, he hadn't used the most tact in bringing up the subject, but she'd made him angry when she had demanded he stop spending time with Chance. She was wrong about that.
Chance was a great kid, but it was easy to see he was lonely and isolated. Robyn was doing her best to keep him safe, but if she continued to keep the boy tucked so tightly under her wing, he was never going to be able to find out what he could do for himself. Neal knew he was no expert, and he'd bet money Robyn wouldn't take his advice if he gave it, but Chance needed to be around kids of his own age more. He needed to learn to play and fight and make up the way kids did, instead of being such a little adult. He needed a friend.
He mulled over the problem as the horse dropped his head to snatch a mouthful of grass. He pulled the animal's head up. “I guess we'd better quit lollygagging. We've got twenty miles of fence to check yet.”
That would give him plenty of time to think of a way to help Chance without antagonizing Robyn.
* * *
W
HEN
SHE
KNEW
she was out of Neal's sight, Robyn drew her horse to a stop. She didn't intend to go back to the ranch. Her mother would start asking questions Robyn didn't want to hear. Turning her horse north, she headed for an old, familiar childhood haunt.
Half an hour later, she dismounted beside a creaking wooden windmill and tied her reins to a weathered crosspiece. The ruins of a small stone house and a few dozen yards of stone fence were all that remained of the original O'Connor homestead. After walking over to the wide stone fence, she sat down in the shade of a towering elm tree. It was a good place to sit and thinkâit always had been.
Her horse let out a shrill whinny that was instantly answered from the hilltop. She sat up and shaded her eyes. Had Neal followed her? She relaxed when she saw it was only old Babe ambling down the long hill. He spent a moment nose to nose with her mount, and then he trotted over and began a hopeful investigation of her pockets.
“You shameless mooch.” She stood and ran a hand down the gelding's sleek neck, pulling a cocklebur free from his mane.
“I'm sorry I haven't been out to visit lately.” Genuine regret swept over her.
She scratched her old friend behind the ear. “I just can't seem to find the time. That's a poor excuse, isn't it, after all the adventures you carried me on?”
Tears welled up in her eyes and she struggled to hold them back. Wrapping her arms around Babe's sturdy neck, she buried her face in his mane and poured out her troubles along with her tears.
“We're going to sell the ranch, and I hate it! I just hate it! I have to pretend it doesn't matter so I won't upset Mom. And Neal has come back.”
Drawing a deep, shaky breath, she pulled away and scrubbed at her face. “Oh, God, I've made such a mess of my life.”
She sniffed and wiped her cheeks. The horse's big eyes seemed to hold compassion and understanding as he softly nuzzled her cheek.
“I've tried not to love him anymore. God knows I've tried. He's so wrong for me. He's a rodeo bum. That's all he's ever cared about. He'll go back to it even if it kills him, which it almost did. Why would I want to tie myself to someone like that? I don't, but I can't get him out of my head.
“I'm not sure he'll ever forgive me for not telling him about Chance. I robbed him of something precious even though I've told him now. I was so hurt and so angry back then. What do I do if I can't stay angry at him anymore?”
She glanced up at the flawless blue sky. “Oh, Colin, why did you ever ask me to make such a stupid promise? And why did I ever agree to it?”
The horse dropped his head and began to crop at the long grass beside the stone fence. Robyn gave him a sad smile. “Bored with my problems already? I was just getting started.”
She stood and ran a hand down the horse's back and over his rump. “Easy, boy,” she crooned. She bent and tapped his hind leg. He picked up his foot, and she made a quick check of his hoof and shoe.
“Anyway, it's not like Neal's going to stick around. He's going to go back to riding those stupid bulls.” She dropped Babe's hind leg and moved to his front one.
“I have to think about what's best for Chance. That's not having a father who is always riding off into the sunset. Adam Cain is such a good man. I think I could really care for him, but I don't want to use him as a shield to keep Neal at bay. That's not fair to any of us.”
She moved to Babe's other hind leg. He raised it obediently. She noticed his shoe was loose. She straightened and patted his rump. “I'll get the farrier out to put a new one on right away. I can at least fix your problem if I can't fix my own.”
Moving up to his head, she stroked his cheek. “Thanks for listening. But, as usual, you don't have a bit of advice to offer, do you?”
He shook his head, then lowered it and nudged her boot.
“Heavens, I almost forgot.”
Amazed that Babe remembered their long-ago routine, she turned around and held up each of her feet. He touched first one then the other with his nose as if inspecting her shoes. She'd taught him a wide array of tricks. This one had amused her family, schoolmates and every farrier that had ever shod the little white horse. Did he remember the whole trick? It had been years since they'd done it.