Authors: Hope Navarre
“Wow.” She realized now how Grandma Mica hadn't helped her parents' situation any by protecting Dad from feeling upset, instead of holding his feet to the fire and making him take responsibility for his role as husband.
“What about having to fish? Didn't he need to make money?”
Beth met her gaze. “You and I both know he could have worked around the treatments. He was afraid, so he ran. I knew he was caring for himself at my expense. I wanted like hell to forgive him but couldn't because he acted as if he'd done nothing wrong.” She tapped her heart. “His admission touched me deep inside where I thought I'd closed off my love for him. I felt the walls crumbling. Cassie, his honesty set me free. All my defenses dropped.”
“You've been angry for all these years?”
“Yes. Now, I cannot tell you how much I wanted to console him for carrying the guilt all these years.”
She squeezed her mother's hand. “I am so happy for you.”
Beth exhaled a long breath. “So now, I'd like to present the possibility that in my zeal to use self-reliance to protect us both while your dad was away, I destroyed your ability to put your faith in a man.”
Cassie grew cold. “But what about Kyle?”
“Honey, Kyle was like Bobby in so many ways. You were simply falling into the same pattern of life that your dad and I held.” She leaned forward, lowering her voice. “Ten years later, knowing what you know, do you really want emotional distance between you and the love of your life?”
Her chest tightened. “The love of my life died.”
Beth took both her hands, held tight. “Maybe so. Or are you holding on to a memory so that you don't have to take the chance to love again?”
Cassie grew cold inside.
Don't stop living.
That wasn't Kyle in her dream. It was her telling herself she had to move on. She waved a hand. “I'll have to think about all of this, Mom.”
“That's all I ask.”
“So, what's next for you and Dad?”
Beth laughed. “We've decided to go away on a vacation. Someplace tropical.”
Cassie couldn't remember the last time her parents had taken a vacation together. “Wow! I am so excited for you.”
Her mother smiled thoughtfully. “We just might make it back to where we used to be.” After a moment, she stood. “Cassie, I want you to consider something.”
“Okay.”
“Peter brought me this gift by speaking honestly to Dad. Thanks to him, I feel your father and I have a chance to recapture the love we had before trauma hit our lives. Please don't throw away your feelings for Peter simply to prove that you are a capable woman.”
“Mom...”
Beth held up a hand. “Cassie. He already knows how strong you are. He doesn't want to change you. All he wants to do is love you.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
S
EVEN
O
'
CLOCK
THE
next evening, Cassie arrived with her parents at Dave's Grill and couldn't believe the crowd that swelled the dining room out to the enclosed porch along the docks. Parking was so scarce they had to walk from down the street halfway to Gosman's Dock.
Cassie wore a short, high-neck, sleeveless black dress, which hid the bandage covering the spot where her port had been inserted, and a comfortable but sexy pair of matching thong sandals. She'd painted her fingernails and toenails a soft blush pink. She'd tried a few turbans and scarves, but settled for leaving her head bald and wearing a pair of hoop earrings. She made a fuss of putting extra mascara on her eyelashes, glad that she still had lashes and hadn't lost them along with the rest of her hair.
She didn't want to admit that she'd dressed with Peter in mind. Wasn't sure why she bothered. Bald, ten pounds underweight. Not a fetching sight for someone who wanted to have sex appeal. But her mother's words stuck with her through the night. Beth had thrown her off balance with the sudden 180-degree turn in convictions. The only difference was that Mom and Dad had history. Over twenty-five years of life together warranted working their way back to the passion they'd lost. It was easy to see one's mistakes over the distance of many years.
It wasn't the same situation for her. Cassie had powerful feelings for Peter, but he had come on so strong, asked her for so much so fast. She had become overwhelmed in the swirling desires and emotions that ran between them. Peter's insistence on being with her every free moment they had had begun to stifle her when she should have cherished the time. Is that what love did?
She wasn't sure she could handle his intense emotions. She'd trained herself to stay neutral. Spread her net wide. What if she'd agreed to marry Peter, and he had a sudden change of heart and wanted to move back to California? Would she be happy building a new life alone with him away from her family and friends? The thought ripped her from her comfort zone of how she defined love.
If she were genuinely in love with a man, she'd travel to the ends of the earth with him. Wouldn't she? The only way she could come to terms with how she felt was by imagining never seeing Peter again. The angst that filled her chest, making it hard to breathe, tipped her in the direction of seeking him out. She realized, just like living without Kyle, she couldn't bear Peter's absence any longer. These past couple of weeks alone had been trial enough. She loved him, yes. But saying the words was easy. Living up to them would prove to be the true test. Now, she had to push her boundaries. It was time to learn how far she was willing to go.
The guys had returned from fishing late yesterday with an impressive haul. Bobby immediately began recounting fish stories with a group of Cassie's surfer friends who had gone with him yesterday on the
Lady Beth.
Her mom stood with Bobby, holding his hand, laughing with the guys. Cassie couldn't remember the last time she'd seen her parents holding hands. Amazing how little acts of affection became so apparent when they'd been absent for so long.
That wave of imbalance swept over her once more. She looked around instead, drawing strength from all the folks who had gathered for her benefit. These people were the threads weaving the fabric of security she knew so well and had depended on for so long.
Dave had prepared an exquisite buffet of seared tuna accompanied by seasonal side dishes exclusive to Dave's Grill. Waitresses threaded through the crowd with trays of tuna sushi. The bar was doing a lively job. Brian waved to her from across the room. Doc hadn't seen her yet. His back was to her at the bar, and he chatted with two men.
She worked her way through the well-wishers, accepting hugs, answering questions, thanking folks for their support. Grandma Mica and Grandpa Phil were holding court on the porch with Uncle Micky, Aunt Judy and friends from the hospital. Rachel and Huey each gave her a big hug. She greeted them as well, all the while skimming faces in the crowd. Nowhere was Peter to be seen. By the time she reached Brian, he had a glass of water, no ice, waiting for her.
She kissed him on the cheek. “Wonderful party, Brian. Thank you.”
“Don't thank me, thank Dave and Jackie.”
“I will when I find them but I have no doubt this was your idea.”
Doc turned to greet her, and she caught a glimpse of the men with him. One of them looked familiar. “Hey, Cassie. I don't believe you've had a chance to meet Gilbert Chapman. His partner, Rudy.”
Peter's brother. Of course. Handsome, polished, sophisticated. His partner, with his lean, dark features, was a perfect match for him. She suddenly felt self-consciousânot caring that she was bald, but embarrassed she had to face the brother of the man she had hurt. Badly.
She held out a hand. “A pleasure to meet you, Gil. And Rudy. Peter told me so much about you two.”
Both men stood. “I'll trade that handshake for a hug,” Gil said. “After what Peter told us you've been through, I sure could use one!”
Cassie laughed, grateful he had opted against a condescending response. “I'm not sure I understand that logic.”
Rudy stole a hug, as well. “Nobody ever understands Gil's logic. It's part of his charm.”
Cassie held up a hand. “Wait. I thought you two lived in San Francisco. Did you fly here just for the fund-raiser?”
Rudy said, “If we lived in San Fran, we most certainly would have flown here for today. Supporting you is important to Peter and Peter is important to us.” He grinned. “So, that makes you important to us.”
She felt a blush stain her cheeks. They were still willing to accept her after all she'd put Peter through.
Gil added, “But to answer your question, we live here now. In the apartment above Peter's.”
“You're kidding! When did that happen?”
Gil frowned. “What? You don't want us here.”
“My goodness, that's not what I meant.” She shook her head as if in a daze. “I feel like I've missed so much.”
Gil gave her a pointed look. “I'm telling you, sister. You've missed plenty. We should talk.”
She had no doubt what he meant with his broad meaning. Deciding to cut to the chase, she scanned the room one more time. “I haven't seen Peter.”
Brian thumbed toward the kitchen. “He's in back. Helping bring out food.”
As he spoke, Peter emerged from the kitchen with another tray for the buffet. As if guided by radar, his dark, sensual gaze immediately found hers. He smiled, and her knees just about buckled beneath her. Not even Kyle had ever had that effect on her. Peter's hair was brushed back, and he wore a white tailored shirt rolled at the sleeves. Black jeans hugged his athletic form. Could he possibly have grown more handsome since she'd seen him last?
When Peter headed for the buffet, she felt the heat of Gil Chapman's stare on her face.
“You are as beautiful as Peter said you were,” Gil said. “And you look even more beautiful when you watch my brother.”
She sipped her water, buying a moment to compose herself. “I've made quite a mess of things.”
He shrugged. “You've been on one helluva roller-coaster ride for too many months. You're forgiven.”
She shook her head. “Careful, Gil. I don't know where this is going. Your brother may have his hands full with me.”
Rudy chuckled. “He's used to that. You haven't spent enough time with us yet.”
Her gaze jumped from Rudy, to Gil, to Doc, to Brian. Each man had that look on his face as if they expected her to fall into Peter's arms and live happily ever after. Especially Brian. Just like the expectations he and all her friends had about her and Kyle while growing up. The way Kyle's mother used to chat to Beth over their heads at the bus stop about how it would be so romantic if she and Kyle ended up married since they were so inseparable as kids. And given Dad's love for Kyle as the son he never had, he and Beth were ecstatic when Kyle had asked Cassie to marry him.
Had other people's expectations motivated her to make her life choices? The realization floored her. The ground felt like it was tilting beneath her feet one more time. She didn't like the feeling at all.
“What's the matter, Cassie?” Doc's concern pulled her back from her thoughts.
A hand to her throat, she swallowed another gulp of water. “I'm okay, Doc.” She handed the glass to Brian. “I need some air.”
* * *
T
HE
TEN
-
MINUTE
DRIVE
to the lighthouse seemed like an hour, but Cassie arrived at the Fisherman's Memorial like a ship lost in the fog. Emotions clouded her vision while the crashing surf below the cliff behind the memorial drew her toward the fence as her only clear bearing.
She glanced up at the fisherman. The sun lowering in the western sky burned the greenish-blue surface of his form with an eerie light, as if she could see his chest lifting and falling with exertion as he hauled the line in his capable hands.
That had been Kyle. Capable of anythingâincluding stealing her heart, and her lifeâfor ten years after he'd disappeared beneath the sea. The blame was not his. She'd given him her power for all of this time. Just as other women gave their love and intentions to men they loved, she had twisted her courage and trust into a tight ball and had tossed it into the black hole she'd dug in the middle of her body. She'd fought to prove she was independent, but in truth? She'd strapped herself into her fears like a huge pair of waders. She'd fallen into a sea of dashed hopes, and those waders had filled and pulled her down.
The time had come to cut the straps and swim to the surface.
A chill ran down her spine. Walking past the sculpture, Cassie's focus fell on the sea. Over the years, she'd imagined all the worst and unthinkable images of what had happened to Kyle beneath those waves. Once he'd fallen over, did he realize he was doomed and release his breath right away? Had he fought as long as he could to swim to the surface? What went through his mind when he understood the expensive life vest he had spent so much money on had failed him?
And then his body. Left to the elements. The fathomless depths of the canyon. The food chain. Long after the
Lady Beth
steamed her way back to port, and the helicopters returned to land, Kyle's body remained anchored beneath the sea's depths until she had finished with him, leaving his bones to scatter on the sea bed. Cassie used to have nightmares about Kyle being like this. Knowing this was how he died had spawned the demon that dared her to love again.
Cassie reached the fence and fell to her knees. Curling her fingers into the chain links, her gaze searching the sea, she whispered, “Kyle, I can't do this anymore.”
She pressed her forehead into the fence, tears falling freely. “I need to be able to love again. You have to let me go!”
The sob escaping her throat racked her body. She'd known something wasn't right. All these years. Then, something had happened to her when she'd experienced her anaphylactic shock. The freedom her spirit had felt as her body had been shutting down had been peaceful, seemed natural. She couldn't figure out why the voices she had heard outside her body had sounded distressed and urgent. If what she had experienced was her body settling down for death, then dying was okay. She'd been completely preparedâand aware that she still existed. Had she not been rescued and instead died, she would have been all right. Those around her would have been the ones to suffer because they had lost her.
They would be left to live with the grief and the guilt of believing they had caused Cassie painâbeen unable to rescue her, just as she and the others had suffered over losing Kyle.
Her eyes shot open. Oh, Lord. That was what Kyle tried to tell her on the beach. He was all right. He existed somewhere she could not go, but God help her, he was alive in some wondrous form. He had spoken to her. His visit had to be true.
The sun splashed its waning light on the ocean ebbing and flowing with tides and wind, casting purples, pinks and blues against the distant clouds. Ignoring the pain in her fingers from her grip on the fence, she whispered, “Thank you, Kyle!”
She sat back on her heels, wiped her eyes. Now, she had to accept her emotions before she could go back and face Peter.
“Cassie.”
She turned. Peter stood next to the Fisherman's Memorial, a hand on the granite pedestal, the fisherman casting his blind eyes past the rope as if watching Peter. Behind him, the sun was setting, casting him in silhouette. One arm hung at his side, hand fisted.
She rose to her feet, holding on to the fence for support. There was no ignoring the fury in his eyes. In three strides, he was by her side, concern creasing his brow. His lips compressed into a thin line.
“Cassie! Are you okay?”
“Peter...”
“I can't believe you disappeared and didn't tell anyone. Don't ever walk out on me like that, Cassie. I won't take this behavior any longer. Your fears are bullshit. I know you love me. No way in hell could you make love to me the way you do if you didn't. I know the difference no matter what you say. If you can't trust yourself, then for God's sake, trust me.”
“Wait...Peter.”
He grabbed her hand. “No. Listen to me.” He pulled her to the memorial, to the patch of dirt against the cement.
“What are you doing?”
He ignored her. Instead, he dropped to his knees. She watched, shocked, as he dug into the ground with his hands. She recognized the velvet pouch he pulled from the dirt.
“Peter, what did you do?”
Wiping the dirt from his hands on his jeans, he pulled the ring from the pouch. He held it between them like the symbol of hope, love and forever it was.