Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality (151 page)

It was like the old wizard had been struck, struck by a chisel that shattered him straight down the middle.

“What have I said?” the old wizard whispered. “What have I said to you?”

“I don’t know!” shouted Harry. “I wasn’t listening either!”

“I - I’m sorry, Harry - I -” The old wizard pressed his hands to his face, and Harry saw that Albus Dumbledore was weeping. “I should not have said, such things to you - I should not, have resented, your innocence -”

Harry stared at the wizard for another second, and then Harry turned and marched out of the black room, down the stairs, through the office -

“I really don’t know why you’re still on his shoulder,” Harry said to Fawkes.

- out the oaken door and into the endlessly turning spiral.

Harry had arrived in the Transfiguration classroom before anyone else, before even Professor McGonagall. There was Charms class earlier, for his year, but that he hadn’t even bothered trying to attend. Whether Professor McGonagall would make today’s class he didn’t know. There was something ominous about all the empty desks beside him, the absence at the board. As if he stood alone in Hogwarts, with all his friends departed.

According to the class schedule, today’s lesson was on sustained Transfigurations, all the rules of which Harry had learned by heart back when he was Transfiguring a huge rock into the small diamond that shone on his pinky finger. It would be a theoretical subject, rather than practical, for the rest of the class; which was a pity, because he could have used a dose of Transfiguration’s trance.

Harry noted distantly that his hand was trembling, to the point where he had trouble undoing the pouch’s drawstring as he drew forth the Transfiguration textbook.

You were monstrously unfair to Dumbledore,
said the voice Harry had been calling Slytherin, only now it also seemed to be the Voice of Economic Sensibility and maybe also Conscience.

Harry’s eyes dropped down to his textbook, but the section was so familiar it might as well have been a blank parchment.

Dumbledore fought a war against a Dark Lord who deliberately set out to break him in the cruelest possible way. He had to choose between losing his war and his brother. Albus Dumbledore knows, he learned in the worst possible way, that there are limits to the value of one life; and it almost broke his sanity to admit it. But you, Harry Potter -
you
already knew better.

“Shut up,” the boy whispered to the empty Transfiguration classroom, though there was nobody there to hear it.

You’d already read about Philip Tetlock’s experiments on people asked to trade off a sacred value against a secular one, like a hospital administrator who has to choose between spending a million dollars on a liver to save a five-year-old, and spending the million dollars to buy other hospital equipment or pay physician salaries. And the subjects in the experiment became indignant and wanted to punish the hospital administrator for even thinking about the choice. Do you remember reading about that, Harry Potter? Do you remember thinking how very stupid that was, since if hospital equipment and doctor salaries didn’t also save lives, there would be no point in having hospitals or doctors? Should the hospital administrator have paid a billion pounds for that liver, even if it meant the hospital going bankrupt the next day?

“Shut up!” the boy whispered.

Every time you spend money in order to save a life with some probability, you establish a lower bound on the monetary value of a life. Every time you refuse to spend money to save a life with some probability, you establish an upper bound on the monetary value of life. If your upper bounds and lower bounds are inconsistent, it means you could move money from one place to another, and save more lives at the same cost. So if you want to use a bounded amount of money to save as many lives as possible, your choices must be consistent with
some
monetary value assigned to a human life; if not then you could reshuffle the same money and do better. How very sad, how very hollow the indignation, of those who refuse to say that money and life can ever be compared, when all they’re doing is forbidding the strategy that saves the most people, for the sake of pretentious moral grandstanding…

You
knew
that, and you still said what you did to Dumbledore.

You deliberately
tried
to hurt Dumbledore’s feelings.

He’s
never tried to hurt
you,
Harry Potter, not once.

Harry’s head dropped into his hands.

Why had Harry said what he’d said, to a sad old ancient wizard who’d fought hard and endured more than anyone should ever have to endure? Even if the old wizard was wrong, did he deserve to be hurt for it, after all that had happened to him? Why was there a part of him that seemed to get angry at the old wizard beyond reason, lashing out at him harder than Harry had ever hit anyone, without thought of moderation once the rage had been raised, only to quiet as soon as Harry left his presence?

Is it because you know Dumbledore won’t fight back? That no matter what you say to him, however unfair, he’ll never use his own power against you, he’ll never treat you the way you treat him? Is this the way you treat people when you know they won’t hit back? James Potter’s bullying genes, manifesting at last?

Harry closed his eyes.

Like the Sorting Hat speaking inside his head -

What is the real reason for your anger?

What do you fear?

A whirlwind of images seemed to flash through Harry’s mind, then, the past Dumbledore weeping into his hands; the present form of the old wizard, standing tall and terrible; a vision of Hermione screaming in her chains, in the metal chair, as Harry abandoned her to the Dementors; and an imagination of a woman with long white hair (had she looked like her husband?) falling amid the flames of her bedroom, as a wand was held upon her and orange light reflected from half-moon glasses.

Albus Dumbledore had seemed to think that Harry would be better at that sort of thing than him.

And Harry knew that he probably would be. He knew the math, after all.

But it was understood, somehow it was understood, that utilitarian ethicists didn’t
actually
rob banks so they could give the money to the poor. The end result of throwing away all ethical constraint wouldn’t
actually
be sunshine and roses and happiness for all. The prescription of consequentialism was to take the action that led to the best net consequences, not actions that had one positive consequence and wrecked everything else along the way. Expected utility maximizers were allowed to take common sense into account, when they were calculating their expectations.

Somehow Harry had understood that, even before anyone else had warned him he’d understood. Before he’d read about Vladimir Lenin or the history of the French Revolution, he’d known. It might have been his earliest science fiction books warning him about people with good intentions, or maybe Harry had just seen the logic for himself. Somehow he’d known from the very beginning, that if he stepped outside his ethics
whenever there was a reason,
the end result wouldn’t be good.

A final image came to him, then: Lily Potter standing in front of her baby’s crib and measuring the intervals between outcomes: the final outcome if she stayed and tried to curse her enemy (dead Lily, dead Harry), the final outcome if she walked away (live Lily, dead Harry), weighing the expected utilities, and making the only sensible choice.

She would’ve been Harry’s mother if she had.

“But human beings can’t live like that,” the boy’s lips whispered to the empty classroom. “Human beings can’t live like that.”

When Padma entered the Transfiguration classroom, she saw that half the class had beaten her there, a strange, deathly silence pervading the room. Harry Potter sat alone in one corner, staring off into some unknown distance, his eyes half-lidded, nearly closed.

Rumor said that the Aurors had discovered that the Defense Professor had Polyjuiced as Granger to fool Malfoy.

Rumor said that Hermione had been bound by the Unbreakable Vow to be Draco Malfoy’s slave.

Rumor said that Hermione had gotten the Dementor’s Kiss.

But if
that
were true, Harry Potter wouldn’t be sitting there, he would be -

Padma didn’t know what General Potter would do. Her mind went blank, trying to think about it.

Even when Professor McGonagall got there, the silence hadn’t broken. The Transfiguration Professor walked up to the board without a pause, erased it with a sweep of her hand, and then began to write.

“Today, children,” began the calm professional voice of the Transfiguration Professor, just as though nothing out of the ordinary had happened that week, “we shall learn how much effort it takes to sustain a Transfiguration, and why, at your age, you should not even try. The original Form is not gone, only suppressed; and to maintain that suppression -”

“Excuse me,” said Padma Patil. She knew her voice was shaking, she knew that she was trembling visibly, but she had to ask. “Excuse me, Professor, what happened with Miss Granger?”

The Transfiguration Professor paused at the board, and turned to look at Padma. The Professor should have looked stern, having been interrupted without a hand being raised, but instead her face was kindly. “You don’t already know, Miss Patil? I expected that rumor would have spread.”

“There’s too many rumors,” said Padma. “I don’t know what’s true.”

Morag MacDougal raised her hand, then said without waiting to be called, “I told you, Padma, what’s
true
is that the Wizengamot found Granger guilty and ordered her to get the Dementor’s Kiss and they brought in the Dementor and Harry Potter glued it to the ceiling and wouldn’t let it down until -”

“Oh, dear Merlin,” said Professor McGonagall, her expression growing sharp, but then she visibly calmed herself. “The affair was utterly ridiculous and I shan’t go into detail. Let it stand that Miss Granger is resting with Madam Pomfrey for now, and coming back to classes tomorrow. And if I catch anyone bothering her, I shall turn them into glass vases and drop them.”

The entire class gasped at this; it wasn’t so much that the threat was fatal, as that it broke the safety rules for Transfiguration.

Professor McGonagall turned back to her board -

From a corner of the classroom, another voice rose up. “What about Professor Quirrell?” said Terry Boot. “Has he been arrested?”

“The Aurors are only detaining him,” said the Transfiguration Professor without turning around. “If they have not given back our Defense Professor by tomorrow, I shall ask the Headmaster to go fetch him. Though I may as well tell you now that the Board of Governors has scheduled a vote on whether Professor Quirrell’s battles shall be allowed to continue.”

Kevin Entwhistle spoke. “And General Malfoy? When’s he getting back from St. Mungo’s?”

The Transfiguration Professor paused in her drawing.

She turned around again, more slowly, this time.

“I
am
sorry, Mr. Entwhistle,” said Professor McGonagall. Her face looked a little more lined than when she had entered the room. “Mr. Malfoy’s health is in no danger, I am given to understand. Unfortunately, I have received an owl from Mr. Malfoy’s father withdrawing him from Hogwarts. I am afraid he is not coming back.”

When Hermione Granger woke, she found herself lying in a soft, comfortable bed of the Hogwarts infirmary, with a square of setting sunlight falling on her midriff, warm through the thin blanket. Memory said that there would be a screen-sheet above her, either drawn around her bed or open, and that the rest of Madam Pomfrey’s domain would lie beyond: the other beds, occupied or unoccupied, and bright windows set in the curvily-carven stone of Hogwarts.

When Hermione opened her eyes, the first thing she saw was the face of Professor McGonagall, sitting on the left side of her bed. Professor Flitwick wasn’t there, but that was understandable, he’d stayed by her side all morning in the detention cell, his silver raven standing extra guard against the Dementor and his stern little face always turned outward toward the Aurors. The Head of Ravenclaw had surely spent way too much time on her, and probably had to get back to teaching his classes, instead of keeping watch on a convicted attempted-murderess.

She felt horribly, horribly sick and she didn’t think it was because of any potions. Hermione would’ve started crying again, only her throat hurt, her eyes still burned, and her mind just felt tired. She couldn’t have borne to weep again, couldn’t find the strength for tears.

“Where are my parents?” Hermione whispered to the Head of House Gryffindor. Somehow it seemed like the worst thing in the world to face them, even worse than everything else; and yet she still wanted to see them.

The gentle look on Professor McGonagall’s face Transfigured into something sadder. “I’m sorry, Miss Granger. Though it was not always so, we have found in recent years that it is wiser not to tell the parents of Muggleborns about any danger their child has faced. I should advise you also to remain silent, if you wish to stay at Hogwarts without trouble from them.”

“I’m not being expelled?” the girl whispered. “For what I did?”

“No,” said Professor McGonagall. “Miss Granger… surely you heard… I hope you heard Mr. Potter, when he said that you were innocent?”

“He was just saying that,” she said dully. “To get me free, I mean.”

The older witch shook her head firmly. “No, Miss Granger. Mr. Potter believes you were Memory-Charmed, that the whole duel never happened. The Headmaster suspects even Darker magics may have been involved - that your own hand might have cast the spell, but not your own will. Even Professor Snape finds the affair completely unbelievable, though he may not be able to say so publicly. He was wondering if Muggle drugs might have been used on you.”

Hermione’s eyes went on staring distantly at the Transfiguration Professor; she knew that she’d just been told something significant, but she couldn’t find the energy to propagate any changes through her mind.

“Surely
you
don’t believe it?” said Professor McGonagall. “Miss Granger, you cannot believe of yourself that you would turn to murder!”

“But I -” Her excellent memory helpfully replayed it for the thousandth time, Draco Malfoy telling her with a sneer that she’d never beat him when he wasn’t tired, and then proceeding to prove just that, dancing like a duelist between the warded trophies while she frantically scrambled, and dealing the ending blow with a hex that sent her crashing against the wall and drew blood from her cheek - and then - then she’d -

“But you remember doing it,” said the older witch, who was watching over her with kindly understanding. “Miss Granger, there is no need for a twelve-year-old girl to bear such dreadful memories. Say the word and I shall be happy to lock them away for you.”

It was like a glass of warm water thrown into her face. “What?”

Professor McGonagall took out her wand, a gesture so practiced and quick that it seemed like pointing a finger. “I can’t offer to rid you of the memories entirely, Miss Granger,” the Transfiguration Professor said with her customary precision. “There may be important facts buried there. But there is a form of the Memory Charm which is reversible, and I shall be happy to cast that on you.”

Hermione stared at the wand, feeling the stirrings of hope for the first time in almost two days.

Make it didn’t happen…
she’d wished that over and over again, for the hands of time to turn back and erase the horrible choice that could never, ever be undone. And if erasing the memory wasn’t that, it was still a kind of release…

She looked back at Professor McGonagall’s kindly face.

“You
really
don’t think I did it?” Hermione said, her voice trembling.

“I am
quite
certain you would never do such a thing of your own will.”

Beneath her blankets, Hermione’s hands clutched at the sheets. “
Harry
doesn’t think I did it?”

“Mr. Potter is of the opinion that your memories are entire fabrications. I can rather see his point.”

Then Hermione’s clutching fingers let go of the sheet, and she slumped back into the bed, from which she’d partially risen.

No.

She hadn’t said anything.

She’d woken up and remembered what had happened last night, and it had been like - like - she couldn’t find words even in her own thoughts for what it had been like. But she’d known that Draco Malfoy was already dead, and she hadn’t said anything, hadn’t gone to Professor Flitwick and confessed. She’d just dressed herself and gone down to breakfast and
tried to act normal
so that nobody would ever know, and she’d known it was wrong and Wrong and horribly horribly WRONG but she’d been so, so scared -

Even if Harry Potter was right, even if the duel with Draco Malfoy was a lie, she’d made
that
choice all by herself. She didn’t deserve to forget that, or be forgiven for it.

And if she
had
done the right thing, gone straight to Professor Flitwick, maybe that would’ve - helped, somehow, maybe everyone would’ve seen then that she regretted it, and Harry wouldn’t have had to give away all his money to save her -

Hermione shut her eyes, squeezed them shut really tight, she couldn’t bear to start crying again. “I’m a horrible person,” she said in a wavering voice. “I’m awful, I’m not heroic at all -”

Professor McGonagall’s voice was very sharp, like Hermione had just made some dreadful mistake on her Transfiguration homework. “Stop being foolish, Miss Granger!
Horrible
is whoever did this to you. And as for being heroic - well, Miss Granger, you have already heard my opinion about young girls trying to involve themselves in such things before they are even fourteen, so I shall not lecture you on it again. I shall say only that you have just had an absolutely dreadful experience, which you survived as well as any witch in your year possibly could. Today you are allowed to cry as much as you like. Tomorrow you are going back to class.”

That was when Hermione knew that Professor McGonagall couldn’t help her. She needed someone to scold her, she couldn’t be absolved if she couldn’t be blamed, and Professor McGonagall would never do that for her, would never ask so much of a little Ravenclaw girl.

It was something Harry Potter wouldn’t help her with either.

Hermione turned over in the infirmary bed, huddling into herself, away from Professor McGonagall. “Please,” she whispered. “I want to talk - to the Headmaster -”

“Hermione.”

When Hermione Granger opened her eyes a second time, she saw the care-lined face of Albus Dumbledore leaning over her bedside, looking almost as though
he’d
been crying, though that was impossible; and Hermione felt another stabbing pang of guilt for having bothered him so.

“Minerva said you wished to speak with me,” the old wizard said.

“I -” Suddenly Hermione didn’t know at all what to say. Her throat locked up, and all she could do was stammer, “I - I’m -”

Somehow her tone must have communicated the other word, the one she couldn’t even say anymore.

“
Sorry?
” said Dumbledore. “Why, for what should you be sorry?”

She had to force the words out of her throat. “You were telling Harry - that he shouldn’t pay - so
I
shouldn’t - have done what Professor McGonagall said, I shouldn’t have touched his wand -”

“My dear,” said Dumbledore, “had you not pledged yourself to the House of Potter, Harry would have attacked Azkaban singlehandedly, and quite possibly won. That boy may choose his words carefully, but I have never yet known him to lie; and in the Boy-Who-Lived there is power that the Dark Lord never knew. He would indeed have tried to break Azkaban, even at cost of his life.” The old wizard’s voice grew gentler, and kinder. “No, Hermione, you have nothing at all for which to blame yourself.”

“I could have
made
him not do it.”

In Dumbledore’s eyes a small twinkle appeared before it was lost to weariness. “Really, Miss Granger? Perhaps you should be Headmistress in my place, for I myself have no such power over stubborn children.”

“Harry promised -” Her voice stopped. The awful truth was very hard to speak. “Harry Potter promised me - that he would never help me - if I told him not to.”

There was a pause. The distant noises of the infirmary that had accompanied Professor McGonagall had ceased, Hermione realized, when Dumbledore had awoken her. From where she lay in bed she could see only the ceiling, and the top of one wall’s windows, but nothing in her range of vision moved, and if there were sounds, she could not hear them.

“Ah,” said Dumbledore. The old wizard sighed heavily. “I suppose it
is
possible that the boy would have kept his promise.”

“I should - I should’ve -”

“Gone to Azkaban of your own will?” Dumbledore said. “Miss Granger, that is more than I would ever ask anyone to take upon themselves.”

“But -” Hermione swallowed. She couldn’t help but notice the loophole, anyone who wanted to get through the portrait-door to the Ravenclaw dorm quickly learned to pay attention to exact wordings. “But it’s not more than you’d take on
yourself
.”

“Hermione -” the old wizard began.

“Why?” said Hermione’s voice, it seemed to be running on without her mind, now. “Why couldn’t I be braver? I was going to run in front of the Dementor - for Harry - before, I mean, in January - so why - why - why couldn’t I -” Why had the thought of being sent to Azkaban just completely
unglued
her, why had she forgotten everything about being Good -

“My dear girl,” Dumbledore said. The blue eyes behind the half-moon glasses showed a complete understanding of her guilt. “I would have done no better myself, in my first year in Hogwarts. As you would be kind to others, be kinder to yourself as well.”

“So I
did
do the wrong thing.” Somehow she needed to say that, to be told that, even though she already knew.

There was a pause.

“Listen, young Ravenclaw,” the old wizard said, “hear me well, for I shall speak to you a truth. Most ill-doers do not think of themselves as evil; indeed, most conceive themselves the heroes of the stories they tell. I once thought that the greatest evil in this world was done in the name of the greater good. I was wrong. Terribly wrong. There is evil in this world which knows itself for evil, and hates the good with all its strength. All fair things does it desire to destroy.”

Hermione shivered in her bed, somehow it seemed very real, when Dumbledore said it.

The old wizard continued speaking. “You are one of the fair things of this world, Hermione Granger, and so that evil hates you as well. If you had stayed firm through even this trial, it would have struck you harder and yet harder, until you shattered. Do not think that heroes cannot be broken! We are only more difficult to break, Hermione.” The old wizard’s eyes had grown sterner than she had ever seen. “When you have been exhausted for many hours, when pain and death is not a passing fear but a certainty, then it is harder to be a hero. If I must speak the truth - then today, yes, I would not waver in the face of Azkaban. But when I was a first-year in Hogwarts - I would have fled from the Dementor that you confronted, for my father had died in Azkaban, and I feared them. Know this! The evil that struck at you could have broken anyone, even myself. Only Harry Potter has it within him to face that horror, when he has come fully into his power.”

Hermione’s neck couldn’t stare at the old wizard any longer; she let her head fall back, back to the pillow, where she stared up at the ceiling, absorbing what she could.

“Why?” Her voice trembled again. “Why would anyone be that evil? I don’t understand.”

“I, too, have wondered,” said Dumbledore’s voice, a deep sadness in it. “For thrice ten years I wondered, and I still do not understand. You and I will never understand, Hermione Granger. But at least I know now what true evil would say for itself, if we could speak to it and ask why it was evil. It would say,
Why not?
”

A brief flare of indignation inside her. “There’s got to be a
million
reasons why not!”

“Indeed,” said Dumbledore’s voice. “A million reasons and more. We will always know those reasons, you and I. If you insist on putting it that way - then yes, Hermione, this day’s trial broke you. But what happens
after
you break - that, too, is part of being a hero. Which you are, Hermione Granger, and will always be.”

She raised her head again, staring at him.

The old wizard got up from beside her bed. His silver beard dipped down, as Dumbledore bowed to her gravely, and left.

She went on looking at where the old wizard had gone.

It should have meant something to her, should have touched her. Should have made her felt better inside, that Dumbledore, who had seemed so reluctant before, had now acknowledged her as a hero.

She felt nothing.

Hermione let her head fall back to the bed, as Madam Pomfrey came and made her drink something that seared her lips like the afterburn of spicy food, and smelled even hotter, and didn’t taste like anything at all. It meant nothing to her. She went on staring up at the distant stone tiles of the ceiling.

Minerva was waiting, doing her best not to hover, beside the double doors to the Hogwarts infirmary, she’d always thought of those doors as “the ominous gates” as a child in Hogwarts, and couldn’t help but remember that now. Too much bad news had been spoken here -