Hate Me Today (Save Me #3) (17 page)

Vanessa

After stopping at the hotel to grab some of my stuff, I drive the almost five hours to Athens. I know I’ll regret my decision to go as soon as I step foot in my parent’s house but I know that it will at least keep me from thinking too much about where I went wrong with Jason. I know there’s no way to fix it. He’s a stubborn ass and I know that no matter what reason he has for doing something, there’s no changing his mind unless he wants to change it.

My car creeps up to the entry pad in front of the gates and I shut it off. It’s pretty early but I know my parents will be awake. I know they will let me in even though I’ve been a total twat to them lately too. I don’t move though. I don’t roll my window down to enter the access code, make no attempt to let them know I’m here.

Part of me wants to turn around and face everything I should be dealing with right now. I have studio time I should be getting ready for, press to deal with and interviews coming up; but the other part of me wants to rush inside and tell my parents they were right. I’m not sure I can handle everything on top of keeping myself healthy.

That’s not me though. After knowing I could die from what I went through, I know I’m not weak. I won’t let myself be weak. Life’s tough, it sucks sometimes but there’s usually something that brightens it up when you least expect it.

My phone vibrates against my leg, scaring me because who the hell would be calling me this early.

Mandi’s smiling face fills my screen next to mine. The picture makes me smile a little, remember how much fun we were having when we took it. I swipe my finger over the answer button and press the phone to my ear.

“Yes, dear?” I sigh.

“You just take off without telling me where the hell you are?” she starts. “When you said you were leaving, I thought you meant to go back to the damn hotel. Where the hell are you? I don’t like not knowing where you are.”

Just like that the dam breaks and tears flood out of my eyes. All because Mandi is worried about me. She’s constantly cleaning up my messes but to know that she has my back like she has throughout this tour is amazing.

“Honey, why are you crying?”

Her question makes me sob harder around trying to get my response out. “I ha-had to lea-leave. I needed a break but this probably wasn’t a good idea.”

“I can’t tell you if it was a bad idea if I don’t know where you went. Tyrone’s been about ready to flip his shit because you evaded him too.”

In the background I hear Tyrone yell something about my running not being cool. What the hell are they doing together?

I take a few deep breathes, wiping my eyes. “I’m sitting in front of my parent’s gate wondering if I should go in or not.”

“Do you think it’s a good idea in the mind-set you’re in?”

I laugh dryly, she knows me so well. “Probably not but I feel like I’m going to break and I’d rather it be over something here than over Jason. I don’t like being sad over a guy, Mandi. I fucking hate it. I don’t like being weak.”

“Vanessa, you are a far cry from being weak. You’re allowed to have weak moments without being a weak woman. It’s not your fault Jason is a douchecanoe. Do I think he’s an idiot for everything he’s done? Yes, but I also think there’s something else going on with him that we don’t know about. It’s not your fault.”

I know she’s right about it not being my fault. I also know that visiting my parents is something I should do. They aren’t bad parents. A little overprotective
, yes, but not bad. I know they don’t approve of pretty much anything I’m doing in my life and they will probably rejoice when they hear that Jason broke things off with me.

I hang up with Mandi, take a deep breath and press the code to open the gates before driving in and parking. I don’t even get a chance to knock when I reach the door. I’m lucky I catch myself or when my mother swung the door open, I would have knocked against her face.

Even though it’s still early, she’s already dressed in a white button down shirt, black slacks and a cardigan. Her style hasn’t changed since I was born. Just once, I’d like to catch her wearing something that doesn’t scream country club. The way she looks down on my jeans and tour sweatshirt makes me want to flick her in the nose. I don’t though, that would not go over well.

“Vanessa,” her dry receptions reminds me that the last time she saw me, I said something about having pentagram tattoos on my thighs. Not one of my finer moments
, I’ll admit.

“Mom.” She cringes when I don’t address her as mother. I never understood why she preferred to be called mother. Probably never will either.

She steps back, allowing me through the door and shuts it behind me. The stark white walls and fancy furnishings feel suffocating. I want to take a hot pink permanent marker and draw on the wall just to liven the place up. This isn’t a home, it’s a museum.

“Your father’s in the dining room eating breakfast. I suppose since you’re here you should join us. You look like you’ve lost weight and haven’t been taking care of yourself but that’s not really a surprise.”

I ignore her the best I can and walk to where my father hasn’t taken his eyes off his newspaper, lean over and kiss his cheek.

“Vanessa,” he says curtly, “losing weight still I see. When did you see you
r doctor last?”

I slide into the chair to his right and respond, avoiding any mention of the fact that I passed out the other day. “At my last doctor’s appointment.”

My father’s lips purse and he finally actually looks at me. “Your smartass antics aren’t allowed in this house. If you’re going to act like a child when we speak to you, you can leave.”

“Sorry,” I whisper, pushing the scrambled eggs around the plate that has been set in front of me. “I didn’t come here to fight. I know you don’t approve of what I do and you know I’m not going to stop. But I miss my parents.”

“We miss you too but you aren’t really the Vanessa we raised anymore,” my mother speaks up from her end of the table.

“I’m the same girl, I just got tired of pretending to be the person you expected me to be. I needed to be me. This is me. I like my jeans and late nights. I love my job and I love putting on a good show for the audience. I don’t want to wear a string of pearls and live in a house that I could get lost in. That’s not me. That’s you guys. I get that I’m a disappointment to you both. Do I like it?” I look at both of them as they stare blankly back at me. “No
, I don’t. I want you to be proud of me but I won’t sacrifice me being happy to make you guys proud to call me your daughter.”

They stare at me for a few more minutes before they finally cave and we finish our breakfast in peace. My father heads off to work and my mother leaves for the country club. Since I’m not
"dressed appropriately enough" for the club I stay here.

I w
ander through the eleven million rooms that this house doesn’t need, laughing at the fact that absolutely nothing has changed since I left at eighteen. Sitting down in the wingback chair by the patio door, I grab my phone and respond to the messages I have. My finger hovers over Jason’s name, wondering what he would say if I called or if he would even pick up.

Fear of what would happen makes me toss my phone over to the other chair. I turn my head to look out the window but the last family portrait beside me catches my eye instead. I grab it, running my fingers over the outline of what appears to be a happy family. It was taken
a few weeks before I found out I was sick, the only reason I didn’t look like it was because my mother had someone make me up like a hooker in a whore house.

I grab my keys and head to my car. I can’t sit alone in this big house anymore and I haven’t seen Vincent in a few weeks so I drive out to the hospital.

Jason

“I said I don’t wanna talk about it!” I slam the door in Carter’s face, regretting it the second the latch clicks. I haven’t seen Vanessa in the few days since the last show and it’s starting to get to me.

“Sooner or later, motherfucker, this shit is going to bite you in the ass. Then what? Do you want to die alone and lonely?” His voice carries through the door like it was open.

Grabbing the handle of the door again, I rip it back and get in his face. “What the fuck do you know about any of this? I left her, it was just a game. That’s it. End. Of. Story.”

“I’ve known you for over eighteen years, do you honestly think I can’t tell when you’re lying? Now tell me why you broke up with her.”

I clench my fists by my sides. The corner of his mouth tips up, he knows he’s getting to me and it’s driving me insane. It doesn’t matter if he’s eight or eighteen, he’s my annoying
-as-shit little brother and I guess that will never change. Caving, I step back and slide down the wall across from him in the hallway.

“Why the hell did I tell you
you could stay here?”

A smile flashes across his face. “You love my sexy ass
, that’s why.”

“I don’t have a tendency to look at guys asses…”

“I do,” he laughs. “Quit stallin’, start talkin’.”

I take a deep breath. I haven’t even fully worked all this out in my own head and now he expects me to explain it to him.

“She deserves better. She deserves someone who isn’t fucked up like me. Someone who she can bring home to meet her parents. I’m not that guy. I’m the guy who kills his best friend and tells the girl he’s dating that he’s only fucking her for stupid reasons. I’m the guy that breaks up with her while I’m still buried inside her because she tells me she loves me.”

Carter drops down beside me. “Do you still think that shit was your fault? Christ
, Jason, you were a goddamn kid! It’s not like you planned to kill him when you got in the car. There isn’t a better guy out there than you. Obviously she doesn’t care what her parent’s think because she wanted to be with you.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I shrug, dropping my head into my hands. “It’s over. I’m surprised she didn’t call Abby and tell her to replace me. Actually
, I’m surprised Abby didn’t throw me in the fire the night I did all this shit. I was such a fucking asshole. I’m still an asshole, I made it worse at the show and the video shoot.”

“It can’t be that bad, Jason. I don’t think anything could be worse than the threesome on the bus and she still wanted you after that.” I know he’s trying to lighten the mood but just
hearing the shit I’ve done to her again hits me in the chest, reminding me that I’m the biggest asshole to walk the face of the Earth.

“I told her she was easy. That I only fucked her because she would let me do anything to her and only kept her around until I was bored of her.”

Crickets.

That’s what I get from him when I spill my guts. When I look up, he’s staring at me like I just grew another head. I told him it was bad
.

“You might be fucked this time around.”

“That was the point. I want her to do better than me and the only way I was going to make that happen was to make her realize all the reasons she should hate me. She never should have been with me in the first place. It’s better this way.” I check my watch and realize that if I don’t leave right now, I’m going to be late to the studio. I stand up and tell Carter that I’m not sure when I’ll be back but to call me if he needs anything.

“Hey
, J?” I turn around and look down on him. “Sooner or later you’re going to realize that you
are
worth it. It might not be Vanessa that makes you see it, but you will. She made you happy. Even
I
could see that.”

~*~*~*~

Sliding back on the table behind Trevor, the audio tech, I watch Vanessa through the glass as she belts out the song, working her ass off to hit a note. Every time she goes for it though, her voice cracks. I’ve heard her hit it before so I have no clue why she can’t do it today.

Reaching
and failing again, Vanessa chucks her headphones across the booth. Linking her fingers behind her head, she blows out a frustrated breath. I watch every move she makes like a hawk, missing the way she moved with me, the feeling of her skin on mine while she moans. I really need to stop thinking about her moaning in my ear before I have more of an issue than I already do.

“I can’t hit that goddamn note. We’re going to have to knock it down.”

The talk with Carter before I came here today did nothing. I still think she deserves better than I can ever be and I’ve made sure my best feature, my asshole personality, has been front and center since we started working.

“She’s lying. She’s hit that shit before,” I knock my hand off Trevor’s shoulder and point at Vanessa like he doesn’t know who I’m talking about. He just nods and tells her exactly that.

Vanessa’s hands hit her hips and she glares at us through the glass. “If I say I can’t do something, I can’t fucking do it,” she spews.

I jump off the table and slam my fist down on the intercom button.
“You’ve hit that goddamn note on stage, and off.” I wink at her, earning myself a double middle finger. “Do I need to excuse everyone and show you how you can hit it again? Because honestly, I’m pretty fucking tired so if you wouldn’t mind wrapping this shit up. If that’s what it’s going to take I’m willing to do it just to get this over with.”

Her eyes heat but she puts a cap on it real quick, puffing her chest out. “You know where the door is. Don’t let it hurt your ego on your way out. I only hit that note in the bedroom because I was faking it and practicing at the same time. It was the only way to keep myself awake while you were fiddling around down there.”

Faking it my ass. “Oh, babe,” I cover my heart with my hand, “you wound me deep. And I can’t leave. That wouldn’t be supportive and in this group we support each other. And by supportive I mean, if you need me to come in the booth and fuck you ‘til you fake that orgasm so you can hit the damn note, I will.”

“No, one STD test a
month is enough for me. I wouldn’t wanna have to go back and have that shit redone. You’ll have to find someone else to fake it while you glitter their clitter.”

I choke back my laughter, almost forgetting what I was talking about. “You just remember that I’m here for you when it’s convenient for me.” I wink at her again as
Devon pulls me away from the intercom, pushing me back to where I was sitting, saying something about leaving her alone before she leaves the booth, comes back here and breaks my dick.

I settle in, watching her again. Seems like it’s going to be the only way I’m going to get my fill of her. On the plus side I can piss her off at the same time, making sure she remembers to stay away from me.

A few takes later she finally hits the note she’s been searching for and is able to finish up the song. Vanessa sits in the room with all of us just long enough to listen through what we’ve recorded today and go over the list of what’s next before she stands up and leaves, her ass swaying all the way out the door, reminding me of what I don’t have anymore.