Hate Me Today (Save Me #3) (24 page)

Vanessa

I can’t breathe because if I breathe I’m going to cry harder, so I just keep my face pressed against Jason’s chest. How the hell I ended up with someone like him baffles me. His hands caress my back as he tries to calm me down. Once I finally have a handle on my emotions I pull back from him and wipe my eyes before Izzy or Sophia sees me.

“Sorry,” I whisper but he just shakes his head.

“Nothing to be sorry about, Vanessa. You’re here for me through all my shit, constantly picking up my life and putting it back together. Being there for you is something I want to do, I just need you to actually let me instead of pulling away and trying to deal with it alone.”

“I thought I was
OK with it all. I knew what I was getting into when I went through the treatments but I guess thinking I know what I’m going to be missing and actually seeing it are two totally different things. Guess it just hit me hard on top of everything else that’s been going on. I think I’m all right now.”

He grabs my hand, wrapping his other one around the back of my neck and kisses me before leading me back into the living room. Jason drops to the floor, pulling me down with him and starts coloring with Sophia. It’s possibly the cutest thing I’ve ever seen and I’m completely wrapped up in watching them until Izzy starts asking me a bunch of questions about the guitar next to the couch.

I reach over, drag the acoustic over and pull it out of the case. I hand it over to her, knowing damn well she knows more about the thing than most people twice her age. It’s in her blood and she has Jameson teaching her everything he knows.

A few hours later, Izzy’s still playing the guitar while I show her new chords to make up different songs and Jason is almost passed out on the floor with Sophia on his chest. Abby lets herself in since she can see us sitting on the floor through the door.

She laughs which is nice to hear. “You never stop do you, Izzy?”

Izzy ignores her and continues to play while I grab all their stuff and put it back in the bag Jameson dropped it off in. Abby pulls me into the other room while Jason struggles to get off the floor without waking up Sophia. I can’t help but laugh which earns me a cocky look that holds promise for later.

“So the CMA’s are coming up in a few weeks and they’re announcing the nominees in a few days. I want to make sure you’re prepared for that and got word that they want to do something for everyone that passed away the other day, which leads me to asking you this. Will you help me put something together? I know they want you to perform anyway so we can put together a tribute to them and-“

I cut her off because her rambling on about everything that’s gone on lately is going to make me cry again and I’m pretty sure that once a day is enough for me. “I’ll come by later
and we’ll start working things out. Everything will be all right. I’m fine if I get nominated, I’m fine if I don’t. I’m more worried about the funerals than I am the awards.”

“Yeah, about that…” she drags her hands through her hair before pressing her palms into her eyes and rubbing. “We talked to all the families today and we’re going to do a mass funeral for everyone that the label will pay for and if they want to do something more private then they can. They were all pretty much onboard with what we were offering. Only a handful will be doing private ones as well.”

Before I have a chance to say anything back to her, she rushes from the kitchen, grabs the girls and leaves.

Each one of us holds a little guilt inside over the crash. Whether it’s that we were supposed to be on the plane or you didn’t tell someone you loved them before they boarded but I think Abby may be taking it the hardest. They were her employees, her friends, practically her family and it was her label
's plane that killed them. Who wouldn’t take that hard?

Vanessa

I fidget with my dress, pulling at the blue silk bodice because I feel like my boobs are going to pop out at any second. Nervous doesn’t even begin to touch how I’m feeling right now. Jason snickers from beside me on the limo seat while we wait for it to be our turn to get out. He grabs my hand, pulling it to his lips and kisses the inside of my wrist before resting it in his lap.

“You gonna make it? You look like you’re going to pass out.”

I look over at him, admiring the way his tux falls perfectly on him, the way the edges of his tattoos peek over the
top of the crisp white shirt at the collar and cuffs. My fingers work their way down to touch the Alexander McQueen skull cufflinks that I bought him.

“It’s not right without Jack and
Devon here.” My voice is barely audible but I know he heard me by the way he squeezes my hand. I fight back the tears that are rushing to get out, knowing that I will inevitably end up crying later anyway, I don’t want to do it now. The last thing I need is to step out of the limo and get bombarded by press and have my makeup streaming down my face.

Jason pulls me in close, trying not to mess up my hair. I just want to forget all of this award show shit, go home and pull on my jeans and be comfortable. Ten tons of hairspray and a dress I’m afraid to breathe in isn’t my idea of a good night but it’s part of the job I guess. Tonight though, I just wish I could hide away and remember my friends and what they never got a chance to see.

“I know,” he whispers into my ear. Shivers race down my spine when his warm breath hits my skin.

“And I might be a little nervous,” I admit. “Not only am I going up against four of the most amazing women, but I have to sing in front of the best country singers in the country. People I dreamed of being when I grew up and I have to do that with a band that’s not the one that got me here.”

“I know working with Jameson and AJ feels like you’re betraying Devon and Jack, but do you really think they would want you to miss this opportunity? You’re performing at the CMA’s twice tonight.”

“No,” I mumble, realizing he’s right.

“Then you need to breathe and enjoy tonight. Sooner or later, we all need to get back to real life and that means working, moving on and enjoying life.”

“Ugh,” I grunt, “I know but it’s still not fair.”

Jason turns my face so I’m looking at him and presses a sweet kiss to the corner of my mouth. I guess he heard the warning the little pixie looking chick threw out about messing up my hair and makeup when she finished it. The word castrate was in there somewhere and I watched him shudder and adjust himself in the mirror when it did.

“Vanessa, what are you going to do when we start touring again? You know we have to replace them to do that.”

I stare wide eyed at him, probably looking like I’m going crazy but I hadn’t even thought that far ahead.

“I don’t even want to think about that yet,” I admit. “Can we talk about that later? Like, much later?”

“Yeah, we can.” He checks his reflection in the mirror quickly, making sure his hair is spiked the way it should be. “Let’s just enjoy tonight.”

I agree just as we pull to a complete stop and the door opens up to the total madness that is the red carpet. Jason slides out effortlessly, waving to everyone before reaching his hand down to help me out.

My feet hit the sidewalk and I stand slowly because the dress and blinged out heels I have on are probably worth more than I am. I don’t need to go and damage them. The blue silk pools around my feet as people start yelling my name. Jason’s arm slips around my bare back as some lady directs us where to go and who to face when so everyone gets the pictures they are here for.

I’m asked who I’m wearing and how we’re holding up more times than I can count. I want to lie, to tell everyone that I am just fine but I don’t. There’s no point lying when they’re going to see what a wreck I am at the end of the night anyway.

Instead of being ushered to our seats when we finally make it inside, we’re ushered back stage because tonight, we’re opening and closing the show. I’m shoved into a dressing room so I can switch from what I’m wearing into a tight white strapless bandeau dress that falls just below my ass but has a lace sheath covering the entire piece that hits the floor.

My name gets called just as I’m slipping a glittery hot pink heel onto my left foot. I rush out the door, right heel in hand, limping from the height difference between my bare foot and
four inch heel on my left one. Jason turns as I’m trying to jump and slide the other shoe on without falling. The corner of his lip twitches into the cocky smile that I’ve come to love and I completely forget what I’m supposed to be doing until someone grabs my elbow.

Walking up to me, Jason lifts me into his arms and follows behind the person trying to get me to the stage. We get almost to the edge of the stage before Jason says anything.

“As much as I love having you in my arms, I lifted you up so you could put your shoe on without killing yourself.”

“Shoe… right.” I laugh, feeling like an idiot. Pulling my foot up, I slip my foot into the heel. Jason sets me down just in time for someone to rush up to me stuff the microphone transmitter into the back of my dress.

I stand with Jameson on one side of me, AJ on the other and Jason plastered to my back. The heat from his body keeping me calm as we listen to the hosts banter back and forth until we are told to take our spot on stage.

Something inside of me breaks a little more when I hear AJ count us in instead of
Devon. I force it back though. An onstage breakdown is the last thing I need right now. Instead I try to focus on the words I’m supposed to be singing, not on the missing people or the fact that I’m being watched by the best of the best.

I’m finally able to get myself into the song but it takes me pretending that it’s Jack and
Devon behind me. I think Jason notices because he works his way over to me and during a section that I’m not singing for a few beats, he manages to kiss me without stopping what he’s doing. His tongue invades my mouth for a quick second, reminding me that he owns my body because the second he touches me at all, all my focus is on him. I completely forget that we’re on stage until the crowd in front of me goes wild when he pulls back and winks at me.

Well, if there was any question on where we stood again that just cleared it up for everyone and their mother.

I’m rushed off stage to change back into my other dress again and Jason corners me in the dressing room. His body aligns with mine and his hands wrap around the back of my neck while mine creep inside his jacket.

“See, you can do it. And if I have to distract you like that at every show, I will.” His lips ghost over mine as he speaks, driving me crazy because all I want to do is pull him in and show him how much he means to me with my lips but I can’t move.

“I don’t think that’s such a bad idea actually.”

Just when I think he’s about to actually kiss me again, someone pounds on the door, telling us we needed to get back to our seats before they call my category. Lacing his fingers through mine, he whispers in my ear as we walk.

I sit, crossing my legs toward Jason and he rests his hand on my thigh while we watch the show until the Female Vocalist of The Year category comes up. Abby walks on stage, surprising everyone because she didn’t tell us she was presenting tonight. From behind me, Wendi Davidson, another nominated girl reaches forward for my hand and links us together.

Abby steps down to the microphone with the help of a few people so she doesn’t fall, her hands automatically falling to the large baby bump she’s carrying. The emerald colored dress she decided on falls perfectly around it.

“Phew,” she laughs, “I didn’t think I was going to make those stairs alone. Honey, please remember you need to carry me like an Egyptian princess from now on since I’m eleventy months pregnant.”

Everyone in the theatre laughs as the screen behind Abby fills with Jameson’s smiling face as he nods and they cut to some footage I didn’t know they had of when Jason was carrying me earlier.

“See babe, just like that. I actually think this is the first time I’ve actually worn flats to any kind of show and I really think we need to plan these pregnancies better if another one happens. No more during award season. I need my heels because walking around out back, with all these super tall people with their five inch heels makes me feel like I’m a five year old in a room full of grown-ups.” She lifts the hem of her dress, kicking her foot out so she can see it around her stomach and pouts at the lack of heel. “All right, down to business, no more pouting I promise. I’m here to give the award for Female Vocalist of the Year and somehow I got lucky enough that three out of the five talented ladies that are nominated, are signed with Ironsound Records. Good luck to all of you, I promise you all still have a job in the morning no matter what.”

Everyone turns their attention to the screen as they run through the five different women. Snippets from all of our shows and videos play when they announce our names and I plaster on a smile when the red light on the camera in front of me blinks on.

Abby pulls at the foil seal on the envelope, her lips tightening like she’s trying not to cry before she announces, “Vanessa Knox, get your pretty little ass up here.”

Everything happens so fast. Wendi squeezes my hand and leans forward to kiss my cheek, congratulating me. Jason pulls me to my feet, wrapping his arms around me and his fingers slide under the edges of the fabric on my sides. He pulls back, mouths that he loves me before kissing me and letting me slide by. Just when he’s about to sit back down, I grab his hand, pulling him up on stage with me.

There is no way in hell I’m doing this without him.

I wrap my arms around Abby when I get to her but don’t let go of Jason’s hand. I’m afraid if I do, I’ll wake up from this insane dream and I’ll be back to before I met her. One of the sparkly dress girls hands me my award and I step up
to the mic, completely void of words.

That breakdown moment I knew was coming is going to happen in 3… 2… 1…

“I don’t even know where to begin because I honestly didn’t expect to beat any of the other four girls so I didn’t have anything prepared. I know I need to thank Abby and Jason and every other person that helped me get here but I don’t see this award as mine. It’s for every single person who was on the plane that day. It’s for every one of the families who lost someone that day. It’s for the music community and the Ironsound family that lost too many people in that crash. It’s for Devon and it’s for Jack because my life, our life and music will never be the same without them. And it’s for Alex and Abby Irons who didn’t see me as the sick girl in the hospital that might not make it, but as the woman they knew I could grow up to be and gave me a chance. Words aren’t enough to express how much every single person I just mentioned has changed my life for the better. Thank you.”

I step away, swiping at my eyes so the tears don’t mess up too much. I don’t need to look like a raccoon in all the photos being taken but I know as soon as Jason stops and pulls me into his arms, sniffling into my neck that I’m a goner.

Thank God for the touch up I’ll get before I go back on stage.