Hate Me Today (Save Me #3) (23 page)

Jason

The amber liquid swirls around the glass as I pull it to my lips for probably the millionth time since the bartender handed it to me an hour ago. I want to drink it so bad. Every time the glass touches my lips
, I can taste the alcohol even though I don’t drink it. The taste is ingrained in my brain. My body craves the way it makes me feel.

Every time I go to drink it, everything I’ve ever done to or with Vanessa flashes through my mind and I set the glass back down on the bar. For once in my entire life I don’t want to lose someone and I know if I let myself fall back down that path, Vanessa will be gone.

Speaking of Vanessa, I watch her walk up behind me in the mirror behind the bar. She presses her body against my back, instantly relaxing me. Her hand slides down the length of my arm until her fingers are wrapped around the glass with mine.

She presses her face into my neck, breathing me in before she speaks.
“What are you doing here?”

“I needed a drink. With everything that’s gone on I just wanted to lose myself in something that would take the pain away,” my voice cracks but I don’t care if every person in this room hears it. “We were supposed to be on that plane. We were supposed to die with everyone else.”

Vanessa peels my fingers away from the glass and spins the stool around so she can settle between my thighs. Without even thinking about it I wrap my arms around her, pulling her as close to me as I can possibly get her.

“How many have you had since you disappeared on me?”

I bury my head into her shoulder and think about the fact that she doesn’t seem upset that I’m sitting in a bar when I promised her I wouldn’t drink anymore.

“None. I’ve been staring at the same one for the past hour. I couldn’t drink it though. One leads to two, two leads to rehab and I don’t want to go there.” I draw in a shaky breath. “I don’t know what to do
, Vanessa. It seems like every time I turn around I’m losing someone and I can’t handle it anymore.”

She pulls my head back so she can look me in the eyes. “You don’t need alcohol to get through this. We’re in this together. Lose yourself in me. Let me help make it better. I can’t do that if you run off to a bar every time though.”

I reach down, grab her thighs and pull up so she’s sitting on my lap. Her lips meet mine as she wraps herself around me and I stand, walking us out to my truck. I don’t put her down. I open the passenger side door and slide in with her still in my lap.

We sit there for the longest time not talking until all the thoughts in my head fall out of my mouth without warning.

“You know back before we worked everything out I hated you for more than just the reason I told you.”

She pulls back from me but doesn’t drop her hands from my shoulders, tears glistening in her eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“I hated you because you lived and Alex didn’t. I hated you because you were so carefree even after everything you had been through. I hated you because you didn’t give a damn what I did to you, you just kept going like I didn’t matter.” I reach up and wipe the tear that’s rolling down her cheek before continuing. “But then I realized that none of that was your fault and I didn’t really hate you
; I hated myself and just took it out on you. Now here we are and once again you’re taking care of everyone else even though you lost the same people.”

Vanessa smiles sadly at me. “What’s the point of living in the past? There’s nothing you can do to change it so why do you keep thinking about it? We’re past all that shit that happened between us. I’m carefree because who knows how long you have, if you’re stressed out all the time it’s not even worth it to live. Do you still hate me for all those reasons?” I shake my head quickly and she keeps talking, taking away every reason I came to this bar tonight just by talking. “I want to take care of you. I want to be there for you. I want to love you for whatever amount of time we have left so just tell me what you need.”

“I need a meeting.”

~*~*~*~

Vanessa squeezes my hand as I push the door open, pulling her in beside me, keeping her close. I choose the seats closest to the door because I feel like I’m going to be sick and I’m not sure I’m going make it through this. I can feel people staring at me but I haven’t taken my eyes off of mine and Vanessa’s hands.

I know I need to get up there and talk at some point as I listen to person after person go on about their problems and I know I’m not alone. Some people have been through worse, some people are catching on early and stopping before their problem gets too bad.

Someone asks if anyone else would like to speak and my hand shoots up before I even realize what I’m doing. I kiss Vanessa quickly before making my way to the front of the room. My fingers wrap around the podium, tightening to keep myself there.

“Hi, I’m Jason and I am very much an alcoholic but I’ve been sober for a little over a month and a half.” A round of “Hi, Jason” come from around the room but I can’t look up. I know if I do and see everyone staring at me I won’t be able to go through with this. “I know this is supposed to be alcoholics anonymous but I’m at an obvious disadvantage when it comes to that second A. If you’ve seen the news at all today
or listened to the radio at all for the past few years. You know who I am. That’s part of why I ended up here but I know I should tell everyone how I got here.”

I take a breath, swallow and start into my story. “I started drinking when I was about thirteen. Mom was a drunk,
Dad was an asshole who rubbed off on my older brother. The only good thing in my house was my younger brother. When I was fourteen, my best friend and I decided it would be a great idea to get drunk and take my father’s car for a ride. And it was, we had a blast. It was all fun and games until I hit that tree and he didn’t wake up" I hear a bunch of people gasp but I know if I stop, I won’t start again. “I was hauled off to juvie before I could blink. That was better than going home though, because I wouldn’t have survived the night if they let me go. When they finally let me out, the first thing I did was find someone to buy me a bottle and I never stopped. I was good at hiding it. When I got picked up to play with a band I figured someone would figure it out but I just learned to hide it even better. Then last year the band I was playing with took a step back and stopped touring but I didn’t want to stop. My life is on the road and I know if I stayed in one place for too long I would go crazy.”

I finally pick my head up but avoid look at anyone except Vanessa as I tell everyone about how they stuck me with her. About how much I hated her for all the wrong reasons and started drinking even more and how she straightened me out.

“She’s the only person other than my younger brother who picked up on my addiction and is the person who stands behind me with every move I make now even after everything I have done to her. Yesterday, we were both supposed to be on the plane that crashed and killed over twenty of our co-workers and friends. Needless to say, I needed a drink. I went to the bar and bought one too, but every time I went to drink it, she popped into my head and I set it back down. I’ve fucked my life up majorly already and I knew I didn’t wanna fuck us up more than I already had so I kept setting it back down. I know it sounds like I’m only getting sober for a woman but I’m not. I’m getting sober for me because I want to be the man she sees in me not the man I see when I look in the mirror.”

I walk away without saying another word and grab Vanessa’s so we can leave but before I reach the door some guy walks up to me and sticks his hand out for me to shake.

“I’m Mike. I just wanted to stop you before you left and give you this.” The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a card, handing it to me. “Seems like you’ve got a pretty good handle on things but if you ever need to talk to someone other than your amazing girl. Call me. I’m one of the sponsors here and will gladly talk to you about anything you need.”

“Thanks
, man. I will.” I reach out and shake his hand again before pulling Vanessa in close and heading back to the truck.

“You know something,” Vanessa whispers as she pushes me back against the truck, pressing herself against me. “I love you. It doesn’t matter what we’ve been through or what we’re going to go through, as long as I have you by my side I know I’ll be
all right.”

I smile down at her and open the truck door, helping her up in, realizing for the first time tonight that Tyrone is in the car next to us.

“Oh,” Vanessa whispers, pulling me against her, “speaking of being all right, the reason I didn’t chase you down sooner tonight was because I got a call from the doctor.”

“And?” I prepare myself for the worst and feel like a complete ass for walking away earlier just because I was having a bad moment.

“And they’re thinking everything going on with me is just because I’m run down. Told me to take some time off and they’ll test me again.” Her voice goes from happy to sad in an instant. “That’ll be easy since we have to cancel the rest of the tour anyway.”

I grab her face, kissing her the way I should every time. Pulling back
, I rest my forehead against hers. “Don’t think about that right now. Think about the fact that you’re OK. That we’re OK. Think about all the ways we can make each other forget about this shit for a little while and then tell me all the ways while I drive us home to where we belong. Think about the fact that I love you.”

Vanessa’s smile perks up and she whispers that she loves me too as she wiggles into my side and I drive us home, listening to all the things Vanessa wants to do when we get there.

Jason

“Hey, Georgette, what are you doing at my house?” I lean over, kissing Izzy on the top of her head before twirling her ponytail around my fingers. Her blonde hair spirals down her back, almost touching the top of her pants even though it’s pulled up.

She shrugs, not looking up from the book she’s looking at. “Da-Uncle Jameson,” she catches herself, her face falling even more than it already was, “dropped us off.  They had stuff to do for all the people that died the other day. Auntie Tuesday had to go with them so Vanessa said she would watch us.”

I slide down the wall next to Izzy on the floor and pull her onto my lap, book and all. “Where’s Vanessa?”

“Sophia spilled her juice so Vanessa went to change her.”

The sadness in her voice doesn’t sit well with me. I pull her closer against me. “Since when do you call her by her real name?”

She turns and looks at me like I have two heads. “I’m almost eleven
, Uncle Jason. Sophia’s almost four. Nicknames are for babies.”

Shit, almost eleven and four. When the hell did that happen?

“Yeah, well I’m almost twenty nine but I still call you Georgette all the time and I call Tuesday Waffle. Does that make me a baby?”

Izzy shakes her head, resting back against me and turns the page in her book. “You’re a boy, Uncle Jason. Everyone knows boys don’t grow up.”

“She’s right,” Vanessa laughs as she walks into the room with Sophia perched on her hip, head nuzzled against Vanessa’s chest. “Boys never grow up, they just get bigger. Always remember that, Izzy. Did I hear you say something about almost being twenty-nine? God you’re old.”

I laugh for the first time in days as Vanessa slides down the wall next and curls into me, lacing her fingers with mine.

“What are you reading, babe?” Vanessa asks Izzy.

“How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”

“Izzy, its March,” I deadpan.

She just shrugs and turns the page again. “Doesn’t mean the story doesn’t mean anything right now. It’s not just a book about Christmas, Uncle Jason. It’s about a guy who learns to love even though he’s always hated everything because of stuff that happened when he was little. A girl showed him that he’s worth more than he believes he is, made him feel loved.” She sighs dramatically before closing the book. “It’s the best kind of love story.”

Vanessa nudges my shoulder, trying hard not to laugh. This fucking book is my life set to a damn Christmas theme.

Sophia jumps off Vanessa’s lap and rummages through the bag by the door
to grab a box of crayons and a coloring book. She begs Izzy to color with her until Izzy finally caves and climbs out of my lap.

“Come here
, Cindy Lou Who,” I whisper against Vanessa’s ear, pulling her closer to me.

“You caught that too?”

I turn to look at her but instead of looking at me like she usually does when she feels my eyes on her, she just keeps looking at the girls. She looks sadder than she has lately and I can’t help but want to make it better. I brush the hair that’s fallen into her face away.

“What’s the matter, babe?”

She shrugs it off. “It’s nothing you should worry about.”

I don’t like that answer at all. I grab her wobbling chin and make her look at me. “Don’t downplay what’s going on with you. You take care of me, I take care of you. That’s how this works.”

“It’s just, I don’t know. It’s stupid, it’s nothing really.”

I stand up and pull her with me, dragging her into the kitchen so I can still see the girls but get her to focus on me. “Vanessa, if it has you this clammed up
, I know it’s more than nothing. So spill before I lose my mind.”

“It’s nothing. Really. It’s just having them here makes me realize that I’ll never have that full time.”

I can tell by the way she’s breathing and batting her eyes that she’s trying hard not to cry. Trying to play off her feelings like they don’t actually matter. The thought of kids scares the hell out of me but most of the things I’ve done with Vanessa have scared the hell out of me until I realized she was going to be by my side the entire time.

I pull her in close to me and lean back against the island, urging her to keep talking.

“When I got sick they told me that with all the chemo and radiation I would go through that I most likely wouldn’t be able to have kids when I was done. It didn’t matter to me then. As much as I knew I wanted kids when I was older, I knew I might not even see the age I would be ready for them. But now I’m seeing everything I’m going to miss out on and it’s kinda killing me and here I am rambling to the guy I love and it’s not something you should be worrying about and I’m not even sure that you would ever want kids anyway. So like I said, it’s not a problem you need to worry about.” She drags in a breath and spins away from me, watching the girls color on the living room floor. “I’ll be fine in a minute, can you keep an eye on the girls?”

“No.”

“Uh, all right, never mind,” she mutters and steps back into the living room. I catch her arm, pulling her back to me just as she’s wiping the tears off her face.

“I said no because you’re going to stand here and listen to me. Do you understand me?” She mutters a quiet “
Yes” and I continue. “I love you and I’m scared every single day that you’re going to figure out that you deserve better but that’s not going to stop me from loving you. Everything you want from us scares the hell out of me but I want those things too. I’ll want kids with you, just you… in the future when we have everything situated and figured out. I get that they told you that you couldn’t have them but there are so many other options available. I know that it’s not the same but the kid will be loved just as much.”