Have a New Husband by Friday (8 page)

He needs your companionship. You, and only you, are at the top of his “want to spend time with” list. It may seem like his buddies are on top, or that work priorities override you, but that simply isn’t true. But it is true that if you show that you’re too busy to include him in your life, he’ll find other things to replace his time. Underneath it all, though, his little-boy heart is crying,
But what about me? Where do I fit on your to-do list? Don’t I matter?

How you as a wife answer those unspoken longings has everything to do with the kind of husband your man will be by Friday.

The ABCs Every Man Needs

A
cceptance

B
elonging

C
ompanionship

Predictable Is His Middle Name

We men are pretty predictable creatures. That can have its pluses and its minuses. On the plus side, we can be good, consistent providers. We don’t wander off (you usually have a good idea of where we are). On the minus side, we can be boring because we’re afraid of taking any risks or making any changes.

There’s an old joke about a guy who worked on high-rise buildings in New York. For four days his co-workers watched him open his lunchbox, and the same thing would happen every day. He’d say, “Ham and cheese—again,” and slam his lunchbox shut with disgust. When the fifth day rolled around, again the guy opened his lunchbox, peered in, and said with disgust, “Oh no. Ham and cheese again. I’m so sick and tired of ham and cheese.”

The worker sitting next to him leaned over and said, “Hey, it’s none of my business, but why don’t you tell your wife you’re sick and tired of ham and cheese and you want something else?”

The guy looked shocked. “Hey, buddy!” he retorted. “I make my own sandwich!”

Your husband is a little like a bobcat. He’ll walk the same path over and over and over again. He has a route he’s used to, and he’ll follow it.

If someone said, “Hey, Kevin, if we went to Red Lobster, what would you have?” I’d tell him straight up, “The coconut shrimp.” I order the same thing all the time. (And yes, there are a few Renaissance men who will try new things, but I don’t happen to be one of them very often.) I don’t even need the menu, I’m so predictable.

Then there’s Sande, who looks at what’s on the tables all around us and says, “What’s that man having over there? Mmm, that looks good. Maybe I’ll try that.”

When we men are sick, we’re also predictable. We whine, we act like we’re at death’s door—when all we have is a cold. We just need a little babying sometimes.

Your husband is a little like a bobcat. He’ll walk the same path over and over and over again. He has a route he’s used to, and he’ll follow it.

Now you women? You can have a sore throat, a cold, the flu, and a 102-degree temp, and still be running the kids to school and then be off to work. Nothing that a little DayQuil can’t cure, is there?

The key to understanding what your man really needs is easy because he’s so predictable. It’s what he grouses about. “I don’t get any respect around here. . . . No one listens to me.” Do you know what he’s really saying with such complaining comments? “Hey! Don’t I matter around here? Aren’t I good for something?”

Because you are so good at multitasking and seem to do everything so perfectly, if your guy isn’t helping you around the house, it could be because he thinks you don’t need or want his help. Every husband wants to be trusted.

Have you ever had someone leaning over your shoulder, trying to read the same newspaper, magazine, or book you’re reading? Does that bother you? It annoys most people. It will annoy your husband too, if he wants to help or agrees to help with a project, when you’re always looking over his shoulder. “Uh, not that way. Try it this way. . . . If you just did X, that would work better.”

No self-respecting guy wants to be
told
what to do, like you’re his mama. You’re his wife, his partner, not the commandant of his projects. If you’re the helicopter wife hovering over him, he’s going to throw down whatever he’s helping you with and say, “Well, why don’t you just do it?” and stalk off, because he doesn’t like to be micromanaged. (Think about it: do you?)

Men will get the job done, but they might not necessarily do it the way you would. But is that wrong, or just different?

One Saturday morning, when our oldest daughter, Holly, was a baby, I told Sande to go ahead and take the day to do something fun with a girlfriend. “Honey, don’t worry about a thing,” I said, meaning every word of it. So off Sande went for a needed respite.

Within a few minutes, Holly messed her pants beyond belief. It was a #2 to beat all. In those days it was real cloth diapers. No Pampers. So what did I do? The plan made perfect sense to me. I took her out in the backyard, got the garden hose out, and hosed her off.

I got away with it for a few days . . . until Holly told her mama about the special bath she’d had in the backyard. But I got the job done, didn’t I?

Your guy will get the job done, but in man style. And if you look over his shoulder and tell him how to do it differently, he takes that as,
You don't trust me to get the job done, do you? I'm not that incompetent!
And then your help around the house disappears, because he doesn't want to risk your criticism again.

Your husband’s a simple guy, but don’t mistake that for simpleminded (although you may wonder at times). The simplicity of a man is that he sees things in lockstep, linear fashion. And he knows when he’s being had, when he’s being suckered, when he’s being taken advantage of. Believe me.

When men don’t feel respected and trusted, most will shut down. They’ll get quiet and make all kinds of assumptions, such as,
You don’t really love me. If you really loved
me, you wouldn’t correct me. You
wouldn’t hang me out to dry in front of your girlfriends like that.
Some men will explode and make fools of themselves. It has so much to do with background.

A Husband’s Deadly Sins

Using good towels to clean the car.

Walking with muddy shoes on your just-cleaned kitchen floor.

Making a mess.

Making a mess, then not picking up after himself.

Leaving newspapers lying around.

Bringing someone home for dinner without calling first.

Saying his mother-in-law looks hot in a bathing suit.

Commenting on your weight.

Telling you, “I like your hair”—when you got it cut nine weeks ago.

Give Him a Little Credit

Remember when I said that boys’ brains have much less sensory awareness than girls’ brains? Well, the same is true of men. One career woman in her early forties—I’ll call her Sue—came to see me because she was so frustrated with her husband’s amazing ability to live with debris. She came from a neatnik home, and it was driving her crazy.

One morning she noticed that there was an empty toilet paper roll lying on the floor in one section of the master bathroom (which was only six feet by six feet). She decided to conduct an experiment. She dated the toilet paper roll and placed it back exactly where she’d found it. She wanted to see how long it would take her husband, Craig, to pick it up. After all, picking up after him wasn’t her job. He wasn’t a child—or was he?

An entire week went by, and every morning Sue checked the bathroom and discovered that the toilet paper roll was still there, lying on the floor. A month went by, two months, three months, then four months—an entire season! Sue had found the toilet paper roll at the end of October, and it was now the end of February.

Finally she couldn’t take it anymore. When Craig came home from work, she walked him into the bathroom and told him, “I’ve been conducting a test. Do you have any idea what the test might be?”

Craig looked around. “You didn’t paint the walls, did you?”

“No.”

“The floor’s the same, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry, I—”

She lost her cool and snapped, “The toilet paper roll! Didn’t you notice it on the floor? Look, I dated it—October 30. It’s been lying here for four months!”

Craig shrugged. “I’m sorry. I guess I just didn’t see it.”

And when I asked him about it, he honestly hadn’t! That’s because when he went into the bathroom, he was focusing on getting one job done, and only one. He wasn’t noticing everything else in the periphery of his vision. But if Sue had said, “Hey, honey, would you mind picking up the toilet paper rolls from the floor when you change them? I’d really appreciate it,” then picking up that roll would have been on his radar. And it would have saved four months of stress on Sue’s part.

Wendy, a stay-at-home mom with an at-home business, conducted a test of her own. It was driving her crazy that her husband, Allen, acted like she was the only one who could buy toothpaste. One time she watched Allen squeeze and squeeze a virtually empty tube, wondering when he’d get the clue and drive down to Walgreens to pick some up on his own.

That never happened. Instead, Allen came downstairs one evening and said, “Wendy? I can’t get any more toothpaste out of the tube, and the boys need to brush their teeth. Do we have a new tube?”

“I don’t know,” Wendy said. “Have you bought any lately?”

Allen was about as perplexed as a husband could be. “No.” He laughed, as if buying toothpaste was the most bizarre thing he could imagine doing.

“Well, then, I guess we’re out,” Wendy replied.

Now, Allen might be simple, but he wasn’t simpleminded. He could tell by her tone that something was up, so he said, “How about if I go buy some?”

“That’s a great idea,” Wendy said, thinking,
Well, well, it’s about time. He’s finally getting it!

At least, she thought it was a great idea until he came home with, in her words, “Galactic Blue Bubblemint Star Wars Toothpaste!”

If you wait for your guy to notice you need something, you’ll be waiting a long time.

I have to confess that, as a man, I sat stumped in my therapist’s chair. I wasn’t sure what the problem was. After all, she’d wanted Allen to buy the toothpaste, didn’t she?

“Have you ever had to clean that stuff up?” Wendy half yelled at me in reply, as if I was simpleminded. “That blue gunk sticks to everything!”

When Wendy bought toothpaste, she thought,
What toothpaste will make the least mess?
When Allen bought toothpaste, he thought,
What toothpaste will make the kids the happiest?

It was a simple misunderstanding—the kind that happens in every marriage. It’s part of the great gap that exists between what a woman values and what a man values. But if you’re going to understand this creature you’ve married, you’re going to need to give him a little credit. Wendy could have saved herself a lot of aggravation if she would have just told Allen, “On your way home tonight, would you pick up some Crest toothpaste at Walgreens? We’re out, and I can’t get that errand done today. I’d really appreciate it.” What do you think that guy would arrive home with? Crest toothpaste. He has his assignment, it’s specific (so he knows exactly what to get), and she’s telling him he’s needed and appreciated.

Now, isn’t that a better way to go? Like with Craig and the toilet paper roll, if you wait for your guy to notice you need something, you’ll be waiting a long time. Why not simply ask?

If you make a little effort, it’ll pay back tenfold. I guarantee it, because I see it happen all the time.

When you catch him doing something right, reinforce that. Tell him how much you appreciate it. Brag about him in front of your friends. “Do you know what my sweet Roger did? I’ve been working overtime on this big project and got home late, and he’d made us a lasagna. I didn’t even know he knew how to make lasagna. And he’d already cleaned up the kitchen too. I could have cried, I was so happy.” Even better, brag about him in front of your friends when he’s in the room. He’ll be puffing up inside, thinking,
I’m the man.

Ask Dr. Leman

Q:
I have a husband, two teenagers, and a really intense job where I have to travel. Every time I get home from a trip, I walk into the house and it’s a mess. It takes me half a day to clean it up. And no one’s there volunteering to help out, that’s for sure. Mark says, “I’m so glad you’re home!” and retreats behind his newspaper. Can he not see the pizza cartons and crud all over the kitchen counter?

Exasperated in Omaha

A:
Well, Exasperated in Omaha, I can see why you’re exasperated. No one likes coming home to a mess, and you’re not put on this earth to be a slave dog.

But have you ever thought about it this way? Does your husband really
see
that mess? Does it bother him like it bothers you? Most likely not. He doesn’t mean to exasperate you; he just has different priorities. Why not tell Mark, “It’s hard for me to come home and find the house a mess. Do you think you and the kids could clean up next time before I come home?” Chances are that a lightbulb will pop on in your husband’s head, and he’ll think,
What a great idea. Why didn’t I think of that?
Try it out and see what happens.

A month later . . .

Dr. Leman,

I can’t believe it. I just got home from a trip, and the entire house was sparkling clean—even the kitchen. No pizza boxes in sight. It even looked like someone dusted. Blow me over. No one dusts anymore. It had to be Mark, because the kids are away on a school trip and aren’t returning until tonight. Wow. Your advice really works!

Dear E-i-O,

Glad you think so. Let me give you some more. Now that you have Marky boy right where you want him, reinforce that behavior. He really does want to please you. So when he gets home tonight, why not give him a pleasant surprise? Tell him, “You know, I really appreciated you cleaning up the house. It looks awesome.” Then take him back to the bedroom, bolt the door in case the kids get home early, and have a wonderful sexual interlude with him. That’s the way to slip a commercial to him that says, “I
love
it when you do things like this for me. It makes me feel like making love to you. I’m so glad I married a man like you.” That boy will be eating out of your hand, and you’ll have the cleanest house around!