Have a New Husband by Friday (9 page)

It’s All about Consequences

Sometimes your guy needs to experience some consequences. Take helping out around the house, for instance. Most men don’t help out around the house. They don’t cook, clean, or grocery shop. They drop their clothes right where they take them off. All those things are a woman’s domain, such guys think. But they’re wrong. Being a family means that everyone helps out with whatever needs to get done.

Women Talk

I did what you said. I stood up for myself and let my husband experience the consequences. Here’s what happened. One day I decided to make his favorite—baby-back ribs—for dinner, but I didn’t have any barbecue sauce. We have only one car, so I called him at work and said, “Would you do me a big favor and stop at the store on your way home?”
?

He said, “No, I can’t. I’m too busy,” and hung up on me.

I was really hurt, to put it bluntly. Here I’d gone out of my way to make his favorite, and he couldn’t even help me out with a five-minute run to the grocery store. But instead of getting mad or getting even, like I usually do, I remembered what you said and let the consequences play out.

That night he was whining like a stuck pig at dinner. “Where’s the barbecue sauce? You can’t have baby-back ribs without barbecue sauce.”

I calmly said, “Earlier today, if you remember, I called you and asked you to stop at the store. I have no way of getting to the store without a car. But you said you were too busy. I needed you to pick up only one thing: barbecue sauce.”

I could tell by the look on his face that he got it. He ate the ribs without any more complaints (that’s a first too; he always complains nonstop about what I make for dinner).

That was a month ago. Since then I’ve called him only once to ask him to get something at the store, and he said, “Sure, no problem.” Then yesterday, he called on his way home from work and asked if I needed anything. Can you believe that? Well, I guess you can, since you told me that’s what would happen.

I didn’t think my husband could change. But the consequence thing really works. Next I’m going to try it on my kids!

Pamela, Mississippi

When your husband doesn’t help out, you don’t need to put him down. You don’t need to make a mountain out of a molehill. You just need to train him. People train puppies, so why can’t you train your husband? Men are trainable, and the best way for them to learn is through consequences.

For example, let’s say you’re sick of doing everything around the house. The house could be a pigsty, and he wouldn’t care. Sure, you can pick up after him to make a point and then wag your finger in his face when you see him. “Look what I had to clean up. It’s your mess, but no, I’m the one who had to do it. You never help. You always make a mess. . . .” You know what he hears after he sees you standing there with your hands on your hips? “Blah, blah, blah.” Your words don’t even enter the computer between his ears.

But what if you tried this simple scheme: What if you didn’t pick up the stuff he lets lay around? What if someone stops by to see him unexpectedly and sees the family room trashed, and he’s embarrassed? So? Will that kill him? No, but it will teach him a valuable lesson about consequences.

If he forgets to take the garbage out on Monday and it stays in the garage next to his prized Corvette, so? Don’t take it out yourself. Let it stay there and stink up his territory. I bet you anything he’ll remember it next Monday.

After all, men are trainable.

Cut Him Some Slack

Before you get frustrated with your male, remember that guys in general are clueless about relationships. Sometimes I’m dumb as mud (just ask my wife), and I have a doctorate degree. Instead of expecting your husband to read your mind, be specific about what you want him to do. Clue him in on what’s important to you. I guarantee you, if you say it in a nice way, he’ll be grateful. You’re a natural wordsmith, so I know you can do a good job at that.

But just remember, your words have to match your behavior. You can say all the nice words you want, but if he doesn’t feel respected by your actions, you might as well go out and try to talk to the tree in your backyard.

There’s an old saying: before you judge someone, it’s good to walk a mile in their shoes. We men might not be very relational, but we get a lot of psychological fulfillment from providing for our families, even if we feel the pressure of it every day. But it’s far more emotionally fulfilling to have the provision
recognized
. Inside every man is the little boy who wants to hear “Good job!” from you.

So the next time you see your husband, give him a tremendous gift that won’t cost you a dime: tell him, “Thanks so much for . . .” and list three or four things you typically take for granted.

If you want to have a new husband by Friday:

Talk to him with gentleness, kindness, and respect.

Show him in both words and actions that you accept him, that he belongs to your family, and that you believe he’s competent.

Honor him in your home. Ask him what he thinks.

Be efficient and independent, but not too much; he needs to be needed.

Tell him what’s going on in the family; he likes to know what’s going on, even if he can’t be there all the time. Every man hates finding out information about his family thirdhand.

Show an interest in what he likes to do.

Listen to him (when he does talk).

If you do those things, you’ll have a man who will be a one-woman man for life, will enjoy providing for you, and will provide for you well. He’ll be a happy dude. He’ll do anything to please you. And after all, isn’t that what you want in your new husband by Friday?

BONUS SECTION

What do you do with a man who is critical, disrespectful, or abusive?

There are men who use their wives, who take advantage of them. But you don’t have to put up with it.

This section is for those who’ve had enough, and for those who’ve been beaten down.

AIN ’T GOT NO RESPECT

T
his morning I did a radio show. A 23-year-old woman called in with a question. She was the mother of a 7-year-old and a 3-month-old. She wasn’t married; she was living with a guy. She was paying all the bills; he wasn’t doing anything but sitting around. “All he does is criticize me,” she said. She was cook, bottle washer, housemaid, and sex partner, and that man didn’t do a lick to contribute to the relationship. He was using her.

“Dump the chump,” I said vehemently. “You have your whole life ahead of you, and that guy doesn’t deserve to be part of it.”

But when you’re married, it’s not quite that easy to rid yourself of a rough relationship, is it?

You picked up this book for a reason. Deep in your heart you know you need a new husband because the one you have isn’t a husband. He’s a man you’re married to who controls you, doesn’t respect you, doesn’t listen to you, yells at you, and might even knock you around. He cheats, he lies, he’s dishonest to the core, he’s a womanizer, and he’s a whole lot of other things. None of them are things you want in a man.

I want to be clear up front. In these situations, there’s no magic dust you can sprinkle over the relationship and have that white picket fence pop up around your house. That’s not realistic; that’s not how life is. The reality is that many people marry exactly the wrong person. People who don't feel good about themselves and don't have a healthy picture of themselves will gravitate toward people who aren't good for them. It's no wonder that more than half of today's couples get divorced.

If you’re thinking about divorce as an option, here are some things to consider in your decision. What do your state’s divorce laws say about health benefits, retirement benefits, portions of his income that would be yours, child custody, etc.? If you have a job, would your income alone cover your living expenses (house, car, etc.)? How would you make any additional income to cover your expenses and put away a little nest egg for the future? (Would you go back to school, come up with creative options for day care?) Do you have a shared checking and savings account, with both you and your husband as cosigners, or is your husband’s name the only one on the account? Where would you live? Would you be able to afford staying in your house, if that’s an option? At what age and stage are your children (if any), and how would they respond to Mommy and Daddy living apart? How would you want to handle child custody, including holidays? Where would your children go to school?

Gathering the information about these questions and others is extremely important. In situations of abuse (physical, sexual, emotional, and verbal), marriage cannot and does not work long term. You should not, and cannot, put up with abuse of any kind in your home.

But divorce is not the easy, instant fix that many think it will be. There are long-term effects for everyone involved. Considering those effects will help you make a careful, informed choice for your own welfare and your children’s welfare.

The reality is that most people marry exactly the wrong person.

Ask Dr. Leman

Q:
My husband has been cheating on me for over eight years with an employee from work. I’ve known about it all along but put up with it because we have two kids, and I didn’t want them to be without a father. But he’s not around much; I’m the one who cooks dinner and helps them with their homework every night. Our daughter isn’t doing very well in school. She has a lot of behavioral issues and doesn’t respect anyone, the school principal told me.

Now Ted has filed for divorce. Should I fight it? Do you think we can reconcile? Is it worth it?

Patti, New Hampshire

A:
Why on earth would you want to reconcile with a man who has been that disrespectful of you and your marriage vows for eight years? Obviously he’s not keeping you and the kids in consideration; he’s leaving you holding the bag. And all this because he’s bringing home a paycheck?

You say you’re staying together because of the children. You’re not doing your children much of a favor, to tell you the truth. Especially if your kids know what’s going on and that you’re tolerating it. With a father as a negative role model, no wonder your daughter has behavioral issues and doesn’t respect authority. If I were her, I wouldn’t either.

Now is the time for you to stand up for yourself—for both your well-being and the kids’. There is no reconciliation here. He left you long ago; now he’s just seeking the paperwork. Let the man go, but fight for the finances to keep you and your children afloat.

Let me state this next point very firmly. If I err as a counselor, I err on the side of trying to make things work. Sometimes that means slogging through unpleasant stuff to get there. But you are
never
to be some guy’s punching bag—physically, sexually, emotionally, or verbally—even if that guy is your husband. If your husband is a philanderer, he abandoned his marriage vows a long time ago. If you are married to an abusive person, you need to stand up for yourself. You need to begin to protect yourself legally and financially. You need to take control of your life for your own safety, and for the emotional and physical safety of your children.

Take Back Your Life!

1. Stand up for yourself. You’re worth it.

2. What you think counts, and your ideas count.

3. Everyone doesn’t have to like what you say and think.

4. If you act like you are a person of value, people will respond to you that way.

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree

Whoever came up with the phrase “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” was sure a smart cookie. The reality is that when you married, more than two of you walked down that flower-strewn aisle. You got your mom and dad, his mom and dad, and any stepparents along the way too. You didn’t get a taco with just meat and cheese; you got lettuce, hot sauce, the refried beans that come back at you, tomatoes, sour cream—the whole enchilada.

Your guy’s taco came packed with all the value-added ingredients of the concepts he learned from his family. He caught the disrespectful way his father treated his mother, and guess who he’s passing it on to? You. If you looked back and saw your husband’s father treat his wife with disrespect and saw your son treat his mother with disrespect, how could you think you would fare any better? That you’d be treated with respect, kindness, affirmation, and courtesy?

“I know, I know,” you’re saying, “but we were in love, and I thought it would turn out okay.” In those euphoric touches of dating, both of you were likely on your best behavior. He might have looked like a purebred to you, but then you got married and found out you had, at best, a Heinz 57 mongrel.

Why am I telling you this now, when it’s too late? Because it might not be too late for your next relationship, if there is one, when you consider these important points.

Am I advocating you dump the chump? No, that’s not what I’m saying. If children are involved, you have even more to consider.

Does that mean you’re forever condemned to live in a marriage devoid of respect? Absolutely not. What I am saying is that you cannot allow the disrespect to continue within your marriage.

But to change the cycle, you’ll need to change the way you relate to your husband.

If you wait for your husband to change, nothing will happen. If you nag him, you’ll become even more miserable than he is (and nagging will make him respect you less, because nagging appears to be a weakness). So what can you do?

Remember that your husband is a creature of habit. To get a guy to notice something, you have to break through his normal routine. Since men are predisposed to fix things, sometimes he has to see for himself that something is broken before he’ll pay attention to it.

For example, let’s say your husband, Frank, comes home from work one afternoon and immediately barks, “Where’s my dry cleaning? Why didn’t you pick up my dry cleaning?”

You know you can’t win this argument, so refuse to get into it. If it really is your fault, apologize for your forgetfulness, then remind yourself that even if you did mess up, you deserve to be treated with respect. And tonight you’re going to do something about it.